Chapter 19: Leaked Thoughts

After almost a week of staying in Azalea Village, we finally decided to return to my favorite yet complicated part of me. The days I had spent in that place helped me ease my thoughts and untangled some confusing parts in my head. But it left me with a new wave of thoughts. It's no longer about my career, and I don't think that's good.

Nothing, and I mean absolutely nothing, should be fucking with my head aside from my career and career alone. It's the only thing that matters to me, after all.

Kristan and I rode my motorcycle again, but I had contacted my manager to meet us halfway. I don't know if it's just because I was not in the mood to drive for hours, or I just didn't feel to drive for someone. Maybe both.

We arranged a rendezvous to a particular vampire-owned restaurant, where we had a hasty lunch. My manager kept his mouth shut about his genuine but apparent intention.

"How's your trip?" Hando asked before shoving a spoon with beef on his mouth. "Mukhang nag-enjoy naman kayo. That's a good thing."

"Where's Lilly?" Kristan asked.

He has been really silent since we departed from that village, but the first thing that came out of his lips was about his abandoned cat.

I silently consumed my food with my teeth heavily pressed on the meat. Napansin ko ang pagtapik ng mga daliri ni Hando sa lamesa na parang naiinip na siya.

"She's in my car." Hando wiped his lips with a table napkin before taking a sip on his wine. "I left the windows slightly opened. He won't suffocate and escape at the same time."

Kristan let out a sigh of relief. "That's good to hear. Thank you for taking care of her. I really appreciate it."

"No worries. Just returning the favor since I know you really did a good job taking care of my favorite woman— vampire, rather."

"You must have enjoyed your vacation with your men, too," I said, something I should haven't since the impression he had on me before I left almost a week ago was already bad enough.

"So... can you drive for us, Mr. Admiral?" tanong ni Hando.

"Sure. I will."

Pagkatapos naming kumain ay umalis na rin kami. Si Kristan ang nagmaneho para sa amin. May sinusundan naman siyang map sa phone ni Hanzo na kasama ko sa backseat.

I placed my back and gently stroked my hair using my fingers. I will rest after we get in the penthouse and have a hair treatment later. My hair felt so sticky and shaggy.

Naramdaman kong gumalaw si Hando sa gilid ko. Yumuko siya para kunin ang isang kulay itim na briefcase. He rummaged through the papers, searching for something.

"You are not looking for a resignation letter, are you?" I sarcastically asked while still brushing my hair.

Nung sa wakas ay nakuha na rin niya ang sadyang papel ay nilabas niya ito saka binaba sa aming mga paa ang briefcase. I tried to get a glimpse of the paper, but he suddenly folded it. But I don't think that's a resignation letter.

"What's that?" I couldn't help but be curious.

"Here." He handed me the paper.

It's a contract about a particular project designed, of course, for me. Simple lang naman ang mga rules ko sa pagtanggap ng mga proyekto at ang pinakaimportante lang naman doon ay hindi ako maaaring magsuot ng damit kung ang kulay ay hindi pula. But that's not what made my forehead crease.

"It's a joint project for you and Kathlysse."

I nibbled my bottom lip as I stared at my manager, who looked stern while looking back at me. I knew he wouldn't allow my issue with Kathlysse to pass just like that.

Out of all the vampires and people, he knew how much I hated sharing the stage. No matter who it is, I just don't like it when I am standing under the spotlight but with divided attention.

"March is national women's month if you don't know—"

"National women's month?" I almost burst into laughter. "What do you mean by that? Do you mean that we only celebrate women's potential and importance during this month? And what happens after the month ends?"

"No. No. It's about women's empowerment. That's something I don't think you are capable of. Empowering not just yourself but also other women. By celebrating not just you, but for them, too."

I took a deep breath. As much as I want to bear his insult seriously, I can't deny that he's right. I mean, why would I celebrate for someone else? Why will I feel empowered by someone else?

"It's funny how we talk about women, and yet a man is talking shit about a woman," I smirked as I handed him back the paper. "But, sure. Count me in."

My manager presented me with a summary of what's the project about. Sharing the spotlight had me grip my fists tightly, but acknowledging an interview was something else.

"You shouldn't be just a face, Nathalia. You shouldn't be just someone they look up to because they want to look like you and act like you. Your words can inspire thousands of aspiring models. Let them hear even just once in a while from you."

"Sure." I chuckled. "What else had you planned for me?"

He bobbed his head. "That's all for now."

"That means there's more."

"But this is the most substantial one." Binalik na niya sa briefcase ang kontrata. Saka naman siya may kinuhang maliit na box sa gilid. "Here."

I sighed as I received the small box. I unlocked it. Sa lahat ng nangyari at sinabi niya ngayon, ito lang ang nagustuhan ko. My necklace.

"I also have one for Kristan," he said.

Speaking of Kristan, I just know he's eavesdropping again. I mean, it's inevitable for us. Damn. I terribly wanted for him to wear that necklace now so that I would know if he's been spying on us in the rearview mirror.

"I am giving one to Kristan because I am now permitting him to be your bodyguard."

I chucked. "You don't seem in a good mood today, Mr. Roman Hando. Did your men fail to satisfy you?"

"You shut up, Nathalia. Take some rest, and let's talk tonight."

I groaned. "I am planning to have a hair treatment!"

Now that I have returned to being THE Nathalia Cardinal, everything that I felt was normal back in Azalea Village made me feel uncomfortable— the glued dirty under my skin, the unwanted hair growing under me, my sticky hair, and my thoughts.

"You can do that tomorrow," he said.

I pursed my lips and didn't just react.

We were silent until we arrived at my place. Naunang lumabas si Kristan na hawak si Lilly. Pinaalalahanan pa ako ni Hando na huwag munang lalabas.

I first got into the elevator. Sumunod si Kristan na nasa pusa na ang atensyon. Nakahalukipkip ako habang pinapanuod ang pagtaas ng mga numero sa elevator.

"Are you mad that I kissed you after shoving the stone in my mouth?"

"Fuck!" I almost forgot that I am a freaking vampire, that there's no hell I will die due to a heart attack. But his sudden voice made me jump.

He looked at me weirdly.

"Are you okay, Nathalia?" he asked.

The elevator clicked open. Tinatawag ako ni Kristan hanggang sa makapasok kami. Agad akong naghubad ng mga sandals at pumasok ng kwarto ko.

I instantly took all my soiled clothes off and ran to the shower room. Habang hinihintay kong kumalahati ang tubig sa tub ay nagbabad muna ako sa shower.

Am I okay? What kind of question was that? Of course, I am.

I should be!

I soaked my body on the tub, and it felt so damn good that I unintentionally released a loud moan. A good bath is better than good sex. I don't see the correlation, but it is what it is.

Panandalian kong pinahinga ang utak ko para damhin ang nagyeyelong tubig. Pakiramdam ko ay naalis ang kalahati ng dumi sa katawan ko. But that's not good enough.

I think I lasted for like three hours before I got dressed. Being away from my red dresses was torture. Let alone wear a dress of someone else. Damn. I didn't mean to talk shit about their generosity. It's just I dearly missed my dresses.

I decided to wear a dress even at home, but that didn't satisfy me. I found myself wearing my necklace and putting a full make on my face. I did everything I missed.

After dressing up, I stood in front of the full body mirror. I couldn't help but smile while staring at myself. This is the real me. This is my life. I don't want to lose this. I don't want to miss it.

Feeling my dress, I went out of my room. Paikot-ikot pa akong pumunta sa kusina kung saan naabutan kong nakapatong sa lamesa si Lilly na umiinom ng gatas.

"Do you want some wine?"

No. The cat didn't talk. It was Kristan who's half naked while while his masculine back was facing me. He was wearing a grey sweatpants. May tumutulo pang tubig sa kanyang basang buhok.

"I am sure Lilly would appreciate some too," I said.

He chuckled.

He damn chuckled.

I know there's nothing wrong with that.

Except that I found it sexy.

"Oh, my feels!" I burst out.

Mabilis na napalingon sa akin si Kristan. Bahagya pang tumapon ang wine sa kanyang kamay kaya nilapit niya 'yon sa kanyang bibig para dilaan.

"Seriously, Nath? Are you really okay?"

I gulped as I observed him lick his finger.

Maybe I am not okay at all.

He walked toward me with two glasses of wine on both hands. Binigay niya sa akin ang isa bago tumalikod at umupo sa tabi ng kanyang pusa.

I watched him caress her silky fur the way he stroked my face— gentle and full of admiration. He's admiring the cuteness of his cat, and that's fine.

Instead of sitting on the chair, I leaned my against the sink. Diniretso kong inom ang alak bago pinatong ang baso sa countertop. Pinanuod kong paglaruan ni Kristan ang kanyang alagang pusa.

"Did you miss me?" he asked. "I wish I brought you with us. That place looks perfect for you!"

I tried to scrutinize why I had become so obsessed with him lately. I find him unusually attractive. Everything he does is sexy to me.

Fuck. Am I intoxicated?

No. That's impossible.

How would a slave get his master intoxicated? Strange. That's not how it works. But I don't see any more profound reason why I act like this. After he had kissed me, everything went downhill.

He chuckled again. "Maybe you just need to take some rest, milady."

My jaw dropped.

I struck his chair and harshly gripped his arms. Saka ko siya tinulak sa wall gamit ang isa kong paa na nakadiin sa kanyang tiyan.

"What the fuck is happening?" I asked.

He looked just as puzzled as I was.

I tilted my head. "You can really read my thoughts, can't you?"

At first, I didn't think it was possible. But right now, I couldn't help but consider it. Hindi maaaring mabasa niya ang nasa isipan ko.

"I-I didn't mean it. I just can't help—"

"Whether you mean it or not, there's no fucking way you could get into my head!" I pressed my foot against his chest even more. "Tell me. How are you doing it?"

"I don't know!"

My breath became harsher because he wasn't lying. Hindi niya alam kung paano niya nababasa ang nasa isipan ko gaya ng kawalan ko ng malay na kaya niya.

"Take it easy. Let's talk in peace. Not like this."

I didn't hear his voice say those words because I focused too much on his lips. I watched them shape the words into my head, and I've never comprehended words so quickly as they did.

My lips quivered. Inalis ko na ang paa ko sa didbib niya saka nilapitan ang baso kong walang laman. Muli akong nagsalin ng alak doon at nilagok.

"Trust me, Nathalia. I really have no idea how I can read your thoughts. It's not consistently like this, though. There are times that your hear is too quiet to read. It's... I don't know. Is that a bad thing?"

I chuckled mockingly. "Reading someone's thoughts is never okay."

"I will try not to do it."

I turned to him. He was staring at me apologetically. Alam kong wala siyang kinalaman dito. Kung meron man ay alam kong ako 'yon. I know how things work better than he does. I know how bad my situation is. I know how shameful it is to a native vampire for a slave to read her thoughts.

What I don't understand is what went wrong. Indeed, there's something wrong with me. I have to find it out soon before my thoughts freely spread into someone else's head.

"Go to our room now and sleep," udyok ni Kristan sa alagang pusa na sumunod naman agad.

Nong kami na lang dalawa sa kusina ay tinangka niyang lumapit. Ngunit nung mapagtanto na hindi magandang lapitan ako ay pinanatili niya ang malawak na espasyo sa pagitan namin.

"Maybe you are tired—"

"I don't get tired," I cut him off. Sinalin ko ang huling laman ng alak sa baso at inunti-unti 'yon sa bibig ko. "I just want to be alone."

"Sure." He swallowed. "Nasa kwarto lang ako."

He left me alone in the kitchen.

I was too preoccupied that I didn't realize I was gripping the edge of the wine glass tightly on my teeth. My emotion was overwhelming that the pressure made the glass crack. It shaped a thunder-like line.

There's no fucking way this is happening to me.

The glass shattered on my hand. I suffered cuts on my skin. I bled, but I didn't feel anything. That's the aftermath after overcoming a much worse— hole in my chest brought by the pain in my past.

Biglang pumasok sa utak ko si Lady Merryl. I'm certain she can help me regarding my situation. Hindi ko lang alam kung paano siya maco-contact.

I hope this is not as bad as it is currently in my head.

I cleaned up my mess before Kristan could even smell my blood. I'm sure he's going to interrogate me again if I am okay. I am certainly not. Not until I find out the reason behind this bizarre situation I am currently in.

I got into my room and changed my clothes. My red dress had a stain of my blood— the sole evidence that I bled because my cuts were healed already.

Hindi ko tuloy maiwasan na hindi tanungin ang sarili. Sino na ba ang nakapasok sa isipan ko? Nagawa rin bang mabasa nina Lady Tania ang mga gumugulo sa utak ko? No. I'm sure they have no idea too.

It's just Kristan.

Ganoon pa man ay ayokong mapanatag. Kristan is not less of a trouble. Knowing someone out there can read me— that's trouble.

Gabi na rin nung lumabas ako. Hindi na ako nagpaalam kay Kristan. Not like I need his permission. But maybe I should have told him first. He knows there's something wrong with me, and my sudden disappearance would attach more weight to him.

Nasa parking lot na ako nung may dumating na isang sasakyan. This parking lot is only for me. The car doesn't look familiar to me.

"I think I heard you somewhere in my head."

Napangiti ako nung lumabas doon si Lady Merryl. Mabilis akong tumakbo sa kanya at yumakap.

"Oh, honey. You look so bothered."

"I am," I sniffed. "I think I am in trouble."

Hinarap niya ako saka hinaplos ang aking pisngi. Sa ilang siglo kong pamumuhay sa mundong ito, ni ilang beses ko pa lang nakasama ang tunay kong ina. Though we are not in good terms as our ancient histories were quiet chaotic, I still miss her sometimes. She loves red as much as I do.

Lady Merryl was like a mother to me. She was there when I started figuring out what I wanted. She was there from the very start of my career.

I took her to the roof top. As much as I want to bring her inside for us to get a more proper place, I don't want Kristan to overhear our conversations. Mas lalong ngayon na siya ang laman ng pag-uusapan namin.

"These tiny lights were once small trees," she muttered while staring at the city lights. "As much as I love how it looks now, I still miss how it used to look back then."

"Oh to be a vampire and to witness how the world changes," I laughed softly.

"Even vampires..."

"I don't think time can touch vampires."

"Only your feelings..."

I turned to her. She slowly confronted me, too.

"What is it, Nathalia?"

I clamp my bottom lip. Hindi ko alam kung paano sasabihin ang nakakahiyang bagay na ito. Pero hindi naman na bago sa akin si Lady Merryl. She had witnessed a considerably worse part of me.

"How can a slave get into his master's head?" I asked.

Lady Merryl crossed her arms on her chest. She didn't state anything, as if she wanted me to include more details in my question.

I gulped the lump in my throat. "I think Kristan can read my thoughts."

"That's one of the signs of a weak vampire."

Natutop ako sa kinatatayuan. That's what I was concluding and the reason for this conversation. But hearing it from someone else's lips sounded like a harsh insult.

"B-but... I am a Cardinal."

"You have the bloodline of a Cardinal. That's right. You came from a powerful clan. But honey..." She narrowed the distance between us and cupped my face on her palms. "You are not a god."

"We don't have a god," I cleared the part. "We only have the seniors of Nightfall Clan and The Five Cloaks. They are the only superior ones to us."

She laughed. "So much power, but they still have weaknesses. If there's power, there's impotence. We are not strong all the time."

That shut my lips. Her words were familiar to me.

"May iba na bang nakapasok sa utak mo?" tanong niya.

I jerked my head. "I'm not quite sure. So far, si Kristan pa lang."

"I see..." She gave me a wistful smile. "Remember, Nathalia. You brought him to life. Your blood runs in him. You two have a deep connection."

"I-I don't understand—"

"This..." She held my necklace. "The constant use of this necklace is draining you. Remember that we are naturally invisible in this world. You are only visible in the eye of the people using the magic stored in this necklace."

I think I already know where this conversation is heading to. Sa lahat ng maaaring dahilan ay hindi ko inaasahan na ito pa. Gano'n pa man ay alam kong malaking posibilidad na tama siya.

"My connection with Kristan and my necklace are the reasons why he can read my thoughts. Is that it, Lady Merryl?"

"It could be," she nodded.

I sighed. "If I continue wearing this—"

"Honey..." She held my hands and squeezed them. "You still have time to enjoy what you have now. You are not weak. Your thoughts are just easy to read. That's just it."

I shook my head. "No. I don't think my thoughts being easy to read by him is less of a worry."

She chuckled. "Bakit ka naman natatakot na mabasa niya ang mga nasa isipan mo?"

"Because these are my thoughts!"

I didn't mean to scream those, but I was already frustrated enough. Akala ko nga ay maiinsulto si Lady Merryl, pero sa halip ay natawa pa siya.

"Of course, they are yours. But he can't snatch them. It's all in your head."

"He can utilize them against me."

"Why would he use them against you?"

"Because..." I grasped for words. "I just don't want him to know what's running in my head. I think about a lot of things sometimes."

"I get your point, honey. But I don't think he can extensively read you, can he?"

I shook my head. "He admitted it. Only sometimes."

"I think I have the solution to your problem!"

Sa haba na ng napag-usapan namin, doon lang ako naengganyo. Kahit na hindi ko pa naririnig ang ibig niyang sabihin ay nakangiti na ako.

"Hindi ba nag-aalala ka na baka gamitin niya ang mga nalalaman niya laban sa 'yo?"

I nodded excitedly.

"Then..." She paused to increase the anticipation. "Treat him nicely so you two can be friends. In that case, you can even disclose a secret with him!"

My smile turned worn out. All the thrills I had felt when she built the anticipation as she claimed to have the solution to my problem faded away.

I don't think she understood my reaction. Nakangiti pa rin siya sa akin.

"Isn't it better that way?"

"Lady Merryl naman, eh."

"What? That's the natural way, Nathalia. If you don't want someone to become your enemy, turn him into your friend!"

I pouted my lips. I guess the only thing I achieved from her tonight was the reason for my worries, not the solution. There's no hell I would become friends with Kristan. Because first of all, I am not friendly.

I even invited Lady Merryl to come over to my house to have dinner, but she refused as she had more errands. She's really a busy woman.

Bumalik na ako sa loob. I found Kristan lying on the couch and watching something on the TV. Umupo ako sa dulo ng kanyang mga binti kaya agad siyang umupo. Alam niyang ayokong limitado ang space ko.

"Where have you been?" he asked.

Napansin kong nasagi niya ang throw pillow kaya agad akong yumuko para kunin 'yon. No'ng binalik ko 'yon sa sofa ay napansin kong gulat ang reaction niya.

"I-I really don't think you are okay," he said.

Nanatili akong walang imik at nakatitig sa screen ng TV. Wala akong maintindihan sa pinapanuod niya. Mayamaya pa ay tumayo siya at nagpaalam na magluluto na ng dinner.

I remained seated, until I scented something horrible. Napansin kong tumakbo si Lilly na galing mula sa likod ng sofa. Pumunta ito sa kusina para sundan ang amo. Gano'n pa man ay naiwan ang masangsang na amoy.

I took a glance behind the sofa. I almost puked when I saw the reason why. Dumumi pala si Lilly kaya nangamoy. Sa halip na tawagin si Kristan ay kumuha na lang ako ng dustpan.

Hindi maipinta ang mukha ko habang dinadakot ang dumi ni Lilly. Ilang beses na rin akong muntik na masuka dahil sa amoy.

"What do you want for dinner?"

We both froze and were shocked.

It took him seconds to recover.

"N-Nathalia..." That's the only thing he said.

I threw the dustpan on him and marched into my room. I shut the door and buried my face against the pillow.

I let a scream out.

Fucking hell!