• Warning•
This story part contains a vivid description of a panic attack, and also mentions hard topics like suicide etc. Please do not read it if you are not comfortable with such things.

I can't do this.

My hands were shaking wildly and sweat broke all over my forehead. We were standing before Clara's door and Eve was holding the key in her hand. She slipped her hand into mine and squeezed reassuringly. I turned my head to look at her as she smiled back at me.

" I'm right here for you. Always. " She whispered lightly and an involuntary smile appeared on my lips. She was my rock. If not for her I wouldn't even have thought about going in here.

Squeezing her hand one last time, I stepped aside and gestured for her to open the door. I couldn't do it myself. She looked at me for a few seconds as if waiting for me to stop her. When I didn't say anything, she stepped forward and without taking her hand away from mine, she opened the door with the key in her other hand.

My breath hitched as the door creaked open. Tears filled my eyes as the memories of that fateful day came crashing back to me. It was the same room, just no Clara in it. Everything in there was covered with dust and spiderwebs. Nothing had moved. It was all the same. But yet somehow it couldn't be more different.

My eyes landed on her canvas sitting in one corner of the room. A large black stroke was painted on it. That was the last thing she ever drew. Black. That's the color she chose. Tears were slowly dripping from my eyes as her memories, some good and some hard, were flickering back in my mind. I squeezed Eve's hand tightly as I felt myself starting to panic a little.

After scanning the entire room, I slowly made my way towards the bookshelf on the right wall, still holding onto Evelyn's hand. She was the only thing keeping me from breaking down completely at this moment.

I slowly ran my hand over all her books and her painting files.

" Ryan! I got in! I got in! I got into the best art college! I can finally be the best artist in this freaking world now! "

I pulled out one of the files and opened it. Evelyn gasped at the sight of Clara's work and even in my distraught state, my heart swelled with pride for my sister.

"Ryan! Can't you stand still for a minute! This is an important assignment and I need to complete it by tomorrow! Ryan! Put. That. Stupid. Phone. Down.
Or I swear to God! "

With trembling hands, I put the files down and ran my eyes over all the posters adorning the walls. They were worn down because of the dust in the room but they still reminded me of her.

"Ryan don't you dare take my poster down. And what the hell are you doing in my room! No, I love 1D and their poster stays up there!! Get out! "

Eve placed her hand on my shoulder and that's when I realized I was sobbing. My vision was blurred because of the tears, but I didn't stop. I couldn't stop now. All of her memories were rushing back to me. All the memories that I had tried to push down into the darkest corners of my heart.

My fingertips touched the edge of her table. A picture of her sitting here working diligently on her assignment while I stood behind her, rubbing her shoulders came to me and a small smile reached my lips.

"Ryan! You didn't have to get me a whole art table for my birthday! I can't take this! It must've cost you a fortune! ....
I love you so much, bro!! "

My eyes traveled over to the small shelf right above her table. Numerous trophies sat there looking more brown than golden. I traced her name on their nameplates with my fingers. Clara Avery Jenson. Why did you have to go Clara?

Clara!! Oh God no! Clara do you hear me! Clara listen to me! It's me Ryan, your handsome best friend! Open your eyes, Clara!

My attention flickered over to a small envelope lying on the table and my breath got caught in my throat. Her last letter.

My fingers skimmed the edges of the white paper envelope. More tears ran down my face as I thought about the state of mind she must have been in when she wrote it.

Did she write it that night? Or did she write it weeks in prior? Had she decided to do it long before she actually did it? Did she come into my room for one last time?

All these questions clogged up my brain as I choked on my sobs. My trembling hands reached out and barely held the letter in between my fingers.

At this point, I was unable to make any sense of my surroundings. All I was aware of was that letter in my hand and my frantic cries ringing through my ears. It felt as if my desperate pleas for Clara to wake up were ricocheting from the walls all over again.

Clara!! Clara no, you can't do this to me! Wake up C, look it's...it's Wednesday! Two days to your birthday! You'll be nineteen. Aren't you excited? Clara, do you hear me? The PCR is on its way, you'll be okay. Please, hold on!

Please don't go, Clara.

Clara, wake up!!

Clara no, you can't leave us!

Clara, wak....

" Mr. Matthews I'm sorry to inform you this, but we couldn't do anything. The patient was brought in dead. She overdosed on sleeping pills, sir. I'm extremely sorry for your loss. Does she have any family? Can you please contact them? "

Those words had haunted my existence for four long years. They still do. All the air had left my body when the doctor said that to me. She was gone. She had left me and I couldn't do anything about it.

When our families had rushed into the hospital the following morning and the doctors had delivered them the news, my heart had broken into a million small sharp pieces on hearing the bloodcurdling scream of Mrs. Jenson. She had broken down completely right there on the hospital floor and there was nothing I could do to help her.

" Ryan! It's alright baby. Breathe! You're okay I'm right here! Look at me! Breathe with me! "

Someone said in a slow whisper near my ear. What were they saying? I couldn't think in the middle of the haze of all the screams and cries ringing in my ear.

"Baby breathe with me! Focus! Breathe. It's gonna be okay! "

The voice was louder this time but not loud enough to reach me over the chaos surrounding me. A million pictures were running in front of my eyes. Clara smiling. Clara laughing. Clara crying. Clara shouting at me. Clara lying on the floor. Clara dying.

" Ry, look at me please! Breathe! It's gonna be okay, love. Please look at me! "

The voice was even louder this time. It was a woman's voice.

" Ryan, love please look at me. Fight it. Snap out of it. It's just a bad memory. "

She was sobbing. Why was she crying? I tried to turn my head in the direction I thought the voice was coming from. I couldn't see anything past the pictures clouding my vision. But I tried to reach around to find her. Who was she?

" Ryan, yes baby. Look at me. Do you hear me? It's gonna be okay. Just try to fight it, love. "

She was crying. I tried to reach her. But I couldn't. My vision turned darker. The white images started scattering away. I tried to open my eyes but I couldn't. Maybe they were already open?

" Yes, Ry. C'mon, you can do it. Snap out of it. "

I was panting. Really hard. I could feel it. My chest was heaving. My breaths were raged. There was someone near me. She was breathing. I could feel her fluttering heart beneath my fingertips. I focused on her breathing and attempted to match mine with hers.

"Yes, baby. You're doing great c'mon. You can do it. "

My vision blurred in slowly. Faint light reached inside my eyes as I struggled to catch my breath. My entire focus was on the movement of her chest.

" C'mon Ryan. You can do it love! Just try catching your breath. "

Eve. It was Eve's voice. My heart jumped at the realization. I threw my hand out to reach her and she held onto it, interlacing our fingers together. "Eve? " I struggled out. I could hear her soft sobs. I didn't like her crying. Don't cry baby.

My vision cleared more and just small black spots remained. I looked up to see that we were sitting on the floor and Evelyn was almost cradling me in her arms.

" Ryan? " She whispered slowly unsure of the situation. " Hey, " I whispered tiredly. " Oh Jesus! You scared the living daylight out of me! " She sobbed silently and I lifted my hand up to brush my fingers against her soft skin. " Thank you, " I whispered. She smiled at me and then engulfed me in a tight hug. I gave in to her touch and heaved a sigh of relief. Taking a deep breath, I inhaling her enticing scent. I slowly pulled away and sat up.

I blinked a few times to get back into my right state of mind. " What happened? " I asked. " You had a panic attack. You saw the letter and that just triggered you. You scared the crap out of me. I was seconds away from dialing 911. " She cried out. A small smile appeared on my lips at seeing her frenzied state. She cared for me, anybody could see that. My heart swelled at the feeling of being loved by this selfless soul.

Reaching out I pulled her on my lap and wrapped my arms around her. " I love you, " I whispered kissing the top of her head. " I love you. Don't ever do that to me again. " She whispered back. I smiled at her words.

Looking down I saw the letter that I was still clutching in my hand. " I need to read this. " I said in low voice. " Please don't if you're not ready yet. " I looked down at her. She had my shirt balled up in her fist and was holding onto it as if I would disappear any moment. " I'm okay. I need to this. It's now or never. " I kissed her head softly.

She lifted her head and looked at me through her blurred eyes. " Okay, but I'll be staying here. I can't have you going into a panic attack again. " I smiled and pushed a small strand of her hair behind her ear. " I never said anything about you leaving, my love. "

I opened the envelope with shaking hands and with a deep breath, I pulled out the said letter. My hands were trembling when I attempted to unfold the paper. Eve gently took it from my hands and opened it for me. She turned it towards me and I snapped my eyes up to hers. I was scared to read it. She squeezed my arm reassuringly.

Sighing deeply, I turned my eyes back to the small piece of paper and began reading it slowly.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Ryan,

If you're reading this now, know that I'm probably already in a better place. I just want to tell you that I'm sorry. I'm sorry it had to end like this. Please don't ever blame yourself for this. It wasn't your fault. It was mine. I should've trusted you. I knew you could save me. I knew you could stop all this. But I didn't want that. I wanted to do it myself. I thought I could handle it, but I can't anymore. I'm sorry for pushing you away. I'm sorry for lying to you. I'm sorry for what you'll have to see in the morning. You should know that if I had any other option, I would never leave you. But I don't. I can't do it anymore. You need to let me go. You were the brother I always wanted and you'll always be. I'll always love you. You just wouldn't be able to see me, but I'd always be there with you, in your heart. Please take care of my family. Don't let them break apart because of me. Tell everyone I loved them and give the twins my love. Don't ever, and I mean ever, tell them you were better at Bingo! You know who the boss was. And one day when you find the girl of your dreams and you're waiting for her on the alter, remember I won't break our promise. I'll be there as your best girl to support you. Don't you dare forget me, Ryan. But promise me you'll move on?

I love you brother.

Until we meet again
Yours
Clara x

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My silent tears fell onto the paper forming small wet spots. Evelyn was crying softly next to me.

It broke my heart to read that but it also felt like a large weight just lifted off of my heart. I felt like, for the first time in four years, I could finally breathe. A small sad smile worked its way onto my face.

" I'll never forget you, C. But I'll let you go. " I whispered.

*********

• Author's note •

That was long and emotional and heartbreaking and ughh! It made me cry while writing. Anyways I hope you guys liked it :')

Much love

M :)