WARNINGS: Eating disorders

BETA READING: To be done still

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Dinner it was, for everyone, but not for me. I sat at the same table with the same kind of plate and the same cutlery and the same delicacies, I just didn't want to have any of it.

'I'm good with a knife,' Cassius more sincerely shared this time around, 'Any kind of knife I can work with. Chef's, carving, meat cleaver, fucking tomato knives, pocket knives, hunter's, you know the drill. I imagine I could do about the same with a good sharp dagger. I've been cutting animals apart to get them packaged since I was like ten. The main thing I want to learn is how to attack.'

Slaughterhouses had the minimum age of twelve for their workers, but the rest sounded pretty on point. I too was good at the dissecting of animals. Cows, sheep, and goats I'd seen between corpses and packaged meat plenty of times at work. I'd seen a bison maybe once or twice too, though those were usually kept alive for milk where I lived, due to their rarity. Very few farms even had bison.

'That's good,' Justus said, though he didn't sound too impressed, 'Daggers are one of the most likely weapons to get your hands on in the arena. With some training you should know to handle them in fights. What do you know of plants?'

'I'm a butcher, not a farmer.'

'Then you should work on that.'

Cassius scoffed and muttered an 'Okay,' before turning to his plate again, apparently not too impressed with Justus' advice.

Justus gently put down his fork, rested his elbows on the table to lean his chin on his hands, and directed his attention to me. 'What skills do you have?'

'I can probably learn about anything,' I evaded, eyeing Cassius suspiciously, 'I worked in the slaughterhouse for about two years, too, so I also know how to dissect animals. I can knock them out and slaughter them. I don't really enjoy it that much though.'

'You get to kill them? Man, I have a boring hacking to packaging job,' Cassius said.

'Small company, they'd take anyone there. It's really not that interesting,' I said. I thought for a second of Cassius, whose dream apparently was to hack apart a living thing, being so deprived of mindless sadism, that he'd take cruelly killing vermin as an alternative - and then added with a small grin I couldn't contain to mock him, 'But I have no need to release any homicidal urges onto rats in my garage, so maybe you'd beg to differ.'

Cassius, who was just taking a sip of what I thought might be some kind of alcoholic beverage, had to cover his mouth to avoid spitting it out at the sporadic fit of laughter he had. 'How do you even know it's in my garage? You weren't even around when I was telling Justus that part!'

'You speak very loudly. Maybe you should work on that for in the arena.'

Cassius grinned and then tipped an imaginary hat. 'Whatever you say madam.'

'Agnes, stop letting him distract you and eat something,' Anastasia interrupted.

Her tone was awful.

A sinking feeling went through my stomach. Suddenly I felt like I was a child and everyone must hate me. I muttered an apology and lifted up my fork, putting a small piece of meat into my mouth to placate her. More I wouldn't eat. It was just for her contentment.

Cassius reached out to me and squeezed in my nose. Involuntarily I laughed in surprise.

Then he leaned back. 'She's right by the way, I can't make fire without a lighter or matches. Can you, Agnes?'

Yes. 'No, I don't think so.' Probably not with living fuel, admittedly.

'Well, bummer. No flesh torches for us.'

Anastasia sighed and said in a poorly concealed sneer, 'Cassius Cromwell, some people are trying to eat, so could you please reserve your conversations of gore and guts for another time?'

I looked at her. Her white wig was held up in a massive bun. She wore a loose pink dressing gown. Her face was more hollowed up close, with undeniable circles around her eyes that suddenly betrayed her age. The performer who was so upbeat on stage seemed to be nothing but a snobby shrew in private. In a way she reminded me of mothers of friends I didn't like, whom I had considered sending threats and strange objects through the mail after watching them around their children, though I'd never gone through with any of it. Suddenly I felt incredibly sour and couldn't control my mouth.

'You know, Anastasia, if you have so much trouble with us just talking, then maybe you should eat somewhere else,' I snapped, 'But you know what, I'll do you a favor! I'll leave instead!'

I stood up, allowing my chair to fall to the ground with a bang before I left in another sporadic direction. Not all of us had so much fucking time to waste talking about the weather. Some of us wanted to have the bits of sincere joy we could still have. Some of us wanted to discuss survival strategies. What the fuck was her problem?! I wanted to punch something, preferably somebody's face. Bonus points if said face was somehow genetically modified to look unnaturally white.

I walked for what seemed like only a few minutes before I was disturbed.

'Agnes, stop there. You've already walked past your cabin.'

I stilled in my tracks. That was Justus. I didn't think he'd follow.

I turned around to stare at the man. He was in his thirties, of average height, well-dressed and tan, and he smiled at me in a way that couldn't make me hate him. It was a very gentle, knowing smile.

'She's not a very nice woman, I know,' he continued, 'You don't have to come back. But I do want to make sure you eat dinner.'

He held up my plate, to which I felt something sinking.

'I don't really want it.' I paused, then smoothed out my dress. I breathed in deeply. 'Sorry, I haven't been honest with you, but I don't want Cassius to know this. I've tried really hard to look more impoverished than I am, and I don't want to ruin that now.'

Justus slightly tilted his head, waiting for more of an explanation.

'I eh...' I glanced away. 'I have been restricting my food intake to be thinner. I'm trained for this. I just don't want the other tributes to know.'

Justus lowered my plate, then gestured me to follow him. 'Come, we'll sit in my cabin. We can discuss your strategies in more privacy there.'

☠

The cabin was actually rather simple. I'd expected it to be bigger. It was just two bunk beds, the lower beds of which could also serve as regular seats; a small folding table, and that seemed to be all.

Justus set my plate down. 'If you eat half of it I'll let it go. I can't have my tributes fainting during the Parade tomorrow. You need to eat enough to function.'

I sighed, but supposed that that much I could do. I didn't really want to. I didn't want to gain any weight, even if most poor tributes probably ate a lot now. It just felt better not to. The hunger almost felt addictive.

I sat down, then divided the food neatly, thought for a moment, then asked, 'Share?'

Justus sat down opposite to me. He smiled gently, then turned the plate so that the slightly bigger half was facing me, and took out an extra fork from a drawer I hadn't even seen yet. 'You know, I used to know your father, Tomos Richis. He was a very fascinating man.'

I stared at him blankly.

Wait, what?

'So... You know who I am.'

He snickered. 'Of course I do. You're the spitting image of your mother. It's like you stepped straight out of TV.'

Alright, good - that was the reason I'd worn her dress. I wanted the Capitol to recognize me. I wanted that sweet affection of nostalgia. I wanted them to theorize and feel clever for realizing this real-life Easter egg they'd found. Even the token I'd planned on using was the same as my mother's. She'd given it to me years ago because I kept wearing it as a kid, so I might as well use it now. I'd just forgotten that my mentor also knew of her Games, even if it had happened before his own.

'Did she talk to you?' I asked before taking a bite.

'Only briefly. She's very worried about you.'

'Furious is the right word.' I stared out of the window for a bit. 'She never spoke of you much. Were you and my father friends?'

'For a while, yes. His writing is one of my favorites. He has a very poetic way of discussing morality and fear.'

I smiled slightly. I'd only read a few of my father's books, for my mother had warned me that some included some adult topics (aka, sex, for none of his novels were light) I might prefer to read when I was older, but that didn't mean I couldn't see what Justus meant. I'd always been proud of where I came from. Never had any of the rumors surrounding my author father been able to sour his image after he disappeared.

'Yeah, he does. He left me his journals before he disappeared. I have them with me. He says a lot of interesting things.'

We ate in silence after my agreement. Only when I was done, Justus initiated conversation again.

'Alright, tell me. You have a strategy, so you must now allow me to help perfect it.'

I gave a slight nod and straightened up.

'I'm good with a sword. Roman model is easiest for me. I know how to build huts in forests, and my knowledge on edible and poisonous plants I'd say is relatively good, though an extra lesson wouldn't hurt,' I told him, 'My strategy is simple. The other tributes should think me harmless or neutral. I want an ally or two to work with in the arena, though, so I can't be too much of an idiot or crybaby - I just need to fall under the radar of Career tributes. I want to be inconspicuous so that I can lure and trick tributes into danger without them suspecting me or trying to hunt me down in specific.'

Justus listened intently as I spoke. He gave me that same little smile he'd given me earlier. 'Alright, let me see.' He folded his hands. 'This is by no means a stupid strategy, but you unfortunately already don't strike me as harmless on tape so far. You would have to put in a lot of work to keep that up, and frankly, I don't think you can pull it off.'

Oh, fuck off.

'The best you can do is not to show off your skills during training and to focus only on things you struggle with, and to start thinking of a way to market yourself to the viewers in the meantime. If you intend to focus on killing other tributes, the Capitol needs to perceive you as some kind of main character of the show already, or else they might be too careless with you and kill you in a forest fire or other natural disaster. Market yourself appropriately, show them that you're career material, and they leave you alone.'

Oh. I felt my irritation seeping away. That actually made sense.

'I don't have a way to market myself,' I admitted, 'I usually tune in with other people's ideas of me if I want them to like me, and they don't really have any, so.'

Justus observed me. 'You're well-spoken,' he then began, 'You clearly have a great amount of courage just from the way you volunteered. What I would do, is to simply show off your intelligence in speech. Keep your monotone expression. Speak like you do to Cassius and Anastasia: be polite, be gracious - but have fun making little cheeky jabs that are only noticed by people who are listening for them. Use harmless expressions that hint at what you truly are. The Capitol people love a good show. They love gradually picking up on this kind of subtle humor that nobody on screen realizes. Have an inside joke with the public. Career tributes are often not so very observant beyond what happens during the training centrum and qualification ratings: they have so many tributes to track, your interviews aren't going to be picked apart by them for an extensive profile.'

I needed a moment to let that sink in. I knew what he meant - I just didn't expect this sort of plan to leave anybody's mouth in the physical world. Anytime people would try to come up with ideas around me, they would always be unreasonably stupid. I almost couldn't believe that anybody would not be.

'Thanks, I will try that,' I then agreed, 'Though I do think I can salvage my mistake from the Reapings. I was just trying to be taken seriously, is all. If I am a little more self-conscious at the Parades I can-'

Justus interrupted me with a dismissive handshake. 'Don't, your Reaping attitude is good.'

'But I can fix it. I can carry out my plans that way.'

Justus didn't look at me as his lips curled up again. 'We'll see after the Parades. Then we'll see if anything of the original plan is necessary to uphold.'

I went silent. I was going to do it anyway, no matter what he said. Still, there was a strange kind of liking I had for this man, even if it was due to his disagreeing with me. It was like for once, somebody actually saw me.

'How well did you know Shauna Kabarda?' Justus then suddenly asked.

I moved my eyes, that had previously been pointed to the floor, back to him. A treacherous grin somehow trickled around my lips.

'I spoke with her maybe two times.'

Justus didn't seem surprised in the slightest. In fact, he just seemed a little smug. He must have known. 'So why did you volunteer then?'

'I want to take as many people with me as possible when I die.'

The man stilled. He observed me from his quiet position. 'When you die?'

'I'm not really here to win,' I admitted, 'I just want to kill someone.'

He sighed very deeply, then looked me in the eyes.

'How old were you again?'

I fidgeted with my sleeves.

'Fourteen,' I then admitted a bit more quietly.

'You're fourteen, highly trained, and you've decided to just die.'

'I don't really care that much.'

He tilted his head. 'But I do,' he said, 'With two volunteers, one of them has to come back alive. I'd rather have you than Cassius.'

I wasn't sure what to answer. Out of all things I'd expected him to get angry about, or even just passionate, this wasn't one of them. Any mentor aside from my mother should be alright with losing a small fourteen-year-old who looked half dead anyway. I wasn't sure why Justus wasn't.

'I suppose it wouldn't hurt to win,' I eventually gave in.

Justus finally smiled again. 'Good, because I promised your mother that you would.'