DO MY EYES DECEIVE ME?

THE EPILOGUE?!

I MADE IT. WE MADE IT TOGETHER.

*weeps gently and throws confetti*

Edward and Bella are driving somewhere for a surprise. Maybe Edward will sparkle in the sunlight for her again. Edward's wearing black and the beauty of it against his pale skin is "absolutely surreal."

The surprise is that Edward is taking Bella to prom. Bella is mad, yes mad. It really doesn't make sense.

Oh, it's because she's embarrassed to dance. I still don't care.

They keep talking about someone named Tyler, and guys, I'm on page 486 and I have no idea who they're talking about. WHO IS TYLER?! Am I an idiot or something?!

Jacob approaches them on the dance floor and Edward snarls, literally snarls like a chihuahua. Jacob dances with Bella and I don't know how Eddie doesn't kill him on the spot. Jacob says his dad, Billy, paid him $20 to come here and tell Bella to break up with Edward. I still don't know why Billy is the only person concerned for Bella's life, but I'll take any shred of sensibility in this book.

Jacob is embarrassed, but ends by telling Bella that his dad ordered him to tell her, "We'll be watching." I'm real scared, Billy. Actually, scratch that, do watch her. You're the only one with sense.

Bella and Edward sit outside together. Edward points out that it's twilight—no matter how perfect a day is, it has to end. Before this point I had no idea why the book was called Twilight.

Then, get this y'all, Bella expresses disappointment in the fact that the surprise was prom. She thought the surprise was going to be EDWARD TURNING HER INTO A VAMPIRE.

TURNING. HER. INTO. A. VAMPIRE.

SHE IS DISAPPOINTED THAT THIS DID NOT HAPPEN.

This book is trying its darndest to go out with a BANG of stupidity and LOOK WHO SUCCEEDED.

Instead they kiss on the bench.

The final line is, "And he leaned down to press his cold lips once more to my throat." Yes, it ends with Eddie kissing Bella's throat. This book is enough to turn anyone asexual.

The end. It's over. This was a waste of my life.