Cole layed in his bed, couldn't get any sleep (again).

He was worried.

Worried about what he had found out a couple of days ago.

They were in Shintaro, saving the ivory city from the evil Skull Sorcerer.

He was with Vania and it was obvious she had something for him.

But as much as he tried - and he has to admit, Vania is really cute and a beautiful girl - but he couldn't feel the same.

Could never.

It was the same a couple of years ago, with the whole love triangle between him, Nya and Jay.

Nya kinda had a crush on him, but he just slipped into this and then just pretended to feel something for her.

It was about territory, pride, a contest between him and Jay.

Also, the fact she noticed him, gave him attention...

He knew it was wrong.

And when he noticed that he, no matter what he does, could never imagine a full love relationship with Nya, he gave up.

It was unfair for all of them.

He purposely kicked Nya away from him, rejected her and made it look like it was just because he noticed that his friendship to Jay was more important for him.

In fact he noticed something else.

And Vania was the last straw.

He could never love a girl like people would expect it from him.

He was gay.

And even though he knows that there is nothing to be ashamed of and that his friends are very very open minded  - he was deeply scared.

Growing up as the son of a perfectionistic, homophobic, strict singer who had nothing in his mind than making Cole the next superstar he learned how to hide his true feelings and intentions.

But he never wanted to do the same to his friends.

If you cannot be open around them, what's the point anyway, he once thought.

But when he had quietly made this pact with himself, he did not yet know that any of his secrets would grow to such proportions.

And he feared he could lose them.

He turned around and felt like throwing up.

In the bunk beds around him, he heard his friends gently breathing in their sleep, maybe having the best dreams ever and not the faintest thought that their friend was so desperate in his current situation.

Caged.

Yep, that was the right word.

Caged in his own body, his own mind.

Trapped.

In the closet.

He felt left alone.

Lonely.

Every battle he ever had he fought with his friends but this is something he had to do alone.

He likes guys but is it that bad?

He doesn't know.

He kind of had the feeling he doesn't know anything!

Lost control.

Finally he got up and tip-toed out of the room.

At the end of the short hallway was Nya's room and...

Master Wu.

Maybe he could talk to him?

Cole was on his way to the old mans room, when a thought flashed his mind.

A memory.

A couple of days ago, when he woke up Wu and the rest of the Ninja Team to tell them something that truly devastated him.

The creature with his mom's necklace.

And they didn't believe him.

Sent him back to bed, thinking he was just dreaming or wanted attention.

What if they do the same now?

What if Wu just throws him out of his room?

He felt trapped again.

They were on a floating ship - he couldn't even flee anywhere.

Into the woods or on a mountain, wherever he always ran when he had to think or just to take a deep breath and calm down.

But still he could walk outside.

And he did.

Filling his lungs with cool air.

He need to tell them, this is a fact.

But how? When?

He exhaled.

Maybe some day he will tell them, but not yet -....

He just figured it out.

Maybe he should let the situation cool down.

It's not like he had a love interest so they wouldn't find out on their own anyway if he just held his feet still.

"Cole?", Cole froze and slowly turned around.

There, in the pale moonlight stood Nya, barefoot and with a light jacket over her shoulders.

"Nya what are you doing here? You're going to get yourself a cold", he exclaimed, without moving a finger.

He had the weird feeling if he would just allow his body to thaw he would fall into Nya's arms and tell her all his fears and doubts.

Also, if he got any closer, he would be afraid that Nya would see how exhausted he was and how he was shaking. Not from the cold.

"I was going to ask you the same thing", Nya said with a a loving but worried expression.

Cole just shook his head like it was a yes-or no question.

"I was just thinking about... stuff", he mumbled.

Nya came closer, Cole backed up.

"Cole... what's wrong?"

He couldn't fight the feeling...

He felt disgusting, like a liar.

A monster.

Nya really got hurt when he rejected her, he made it look like it was her fault, like she wasn't good enough.

Like she was the problem.

You are just not my prefered sexual orientation!, a voice screamed in his head, knowing that he would never say this out loud.

He was to scared then, he was to scared now.

He will probably always be to scared.

"I am feeling sick, thats why you should keep a distance to me", he said.

Liar.

He tried a smile.

Fortunatley Nya smiled back.

"I don't care if I get sick, but you should come inside with me then"

Cole slightly nodded, walked towards her and followed her - in a certain distance inside.

Fagot - a voice in his head yelled.

He shivered, began to panic.

"I uh, need to use the bathroom", with this words he rushed away, ran down the hallway and finally locked himself in the bathroom, where he sank to the floor.

He didn't care what Nya would think now, if anyone asks, he had to throw up.

And it wasn't like he was not on the verge of it, but he held it back.

No one will ever love you!, the voice screamed again.

Cole shook his head.

They will ban you, kick you out of the team.

That is not true.

His friends will understand.

They will...

They must...

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