"youre still not talking to me huh?" she asked sitting down next to me , "after everything thats happend and you cant even look me in the face"

The beautiful brown face , that i hadnt seen in a long time. A smile came to my face . Even though the timing was wrong , i hadnt spoken to her in 2 weeks. The crave of wanting her in my arms came upon me but , i couldnt hug her not after this.  but i wanted her so badly

"this isnt something to smile about, you left me and-"

"you know im really sick and tired of you saying that"

"ill say it for as long as i need too"

"if you knew why , you wouldnt be saying that"

" how bout you tell me"

"....i dont think youll ever love me or look at me the same"

"idc , just tell me....ill love you regardless"

"No you wont, but thats okay" i turned towards her, I grabbed her hands, and i looked her straight in the eyes. " over these past two weeks ive been doing a lot of thinking and ive come to the decision thats its only right  for us to-"

River squeezed my hands, and more tears began rushing down her face. "Please dont finish that sentence. Whatever it is, I know we can work through it"

I didnt want to finish that sentence. We probably could have worked through it, but at the time I truly believed the decision that I was making was right.

"River, i cheated on you. I cant live with myself knowing i hurt you and ruined everything we had over a careless act ive made"

She didnt say anything after. She even stopped crying. She sat there, looking numb.

"River..." I called her name. Yet, no response. That was something I could accept. I wiped the last tear falling from her eye, kissed her cheek then walked away.

I didnt really cheat. I understand thats what i said, but i lied. I broke up w her because i was going to be hospitalized [again] and i didnt want her to find out, as well as me not wanting to put that stress on her again. To keep a long story short:

We went to a party, and honestly we're not party people (or atleast not anymore). But for some reason we attended this one. SIDE NOTE: I am a recovering addict. So i knew going to this party ment that there would be lots of drugs and alcohol there. But i thought i could handle it. Before walking into the house, where the party was located River grabbed my hand and said: "Baby, we dont have to this. We can go home, cuddle, watch movies..." and i sat there and told her that i could handle it. I told her I would be fine. I lied.

At an estimates time of An hour and thirty minutes later i passed out and thats all i can remember from that night. But I do remember waking up in the Hospital. 2:37 A.M with lots wires attatched to me and River sleeping next to me by myside. She looked so drained and tired. Her eyes were puffy. Her face, red. I knew i was the reason she was like this and i dont want to put her through that again.
   
              Two weeks ago, i overdosed again but this time infront if my mother. I didnt talk to her because once again i was in the hospital. And in two days ill be being to a psychiatric ward. And the last thing i want is for to find out.

In a different perspective telling her the truth and not breaking her heart about me "cheating" would have been the better option. But to me, this was much easier.