Song~ In my Mind by Maty Noyes

***

  I quietly step into my house and gently shut the door behind me. I can only imagine the delightful conversation that awaits me when my parents inevitably ask me where I was all night. I bite my lip and tiptoe into the living room. I'm greeted by the sight of Lydia and Ainsley sitting on the couch with my parents standing in front of them. My mom has her hands on her hips while my dad is standing off to the side more.

  "How nice of you to join us," my mother snaps with an icy glare. "Where have you been all night?"

  I shrug a shoulder. "Out doing stuff."

  Her eyes widen. "And when did you tell either me or your father you were going out?"

  I narrow my eyes at her. "Around the same time you told Ainsley and Lydia about your plans for our futures."

  I'm digging my own grave, but I can't stop the words from leaving my mouth. My mom looks like she's about to charge at me, but she doesn't. Her fists clench.

  "Lucky for you, that's the conversation we're having right now. Sit," she commands in an authoritative tone. The edge in her voice indicates there's no room for defiance. I can tell that I'm never going to win this argument, so I obey.

  "Good, first thing's first. You and Ainsley need to talk. I know she's been avoiding you these past few days and you need to get over it. Start talking." Mom crosses her arms over her chest and raises and eyebrow challenging either of us to defy her.

  Ainsley lets out an aggravated sigh. "Fine, Viv, I'm sorry I got so mad at you. I know you were just trying to watch out for me and I shouldn't have been so harsh on you." I can tell she isn't sincere, but I'll take what I can get at this point with her. Her voice loses its edge and becomes softer. "I'm also sorry about my comment I made about you and your impending death. I didn't mean it; it was just something I said in the heat of the moment. I really do hope you can forgive me."

  I smile gently down at my younger sister. "Of course, I'm sorry too."

  With a satisfied look, my mom continues. "Good, now that that's out of the way, we need to talk about some things since all of you know now." She looks over at my dad then at me with soft eyes.

  "Nothing is set in stone, we aren't definitely getting a divorce, but it's still a possibility. We went to a couple marriage counseling sessions this past week. We all agreed that it's best we separate. By the end of next month either your father or I will be in search of an apartment. We think it's best if you girls decide where you want to go," she explains. Her eyes focus on mine with a sad and pained expression. I look away, unable to hold her gaze.

  Ainsley opens her mouth, but my mom raises a hand to silence her. "We decided it's best to move next month so it gives you girls time to get accustomed to the thought and choose who you want to live with." My mom gets down on her knees and looks at all three of us. "We know this isn't what any of you want. You may be angry at us, but we really do think it's best for you girls. We can't keep living like this. I hope you can at least understand that and one day move past it."

  Ainsley doesn't say anything. Even her expression is unreadable. Instead, she stands up and pushes past my mother without a word. I have never seen Ainsley not say something. She always has some fire to shoot out, but it looks like she's been rendered speechless. My mom's gaze shifts to Lydia, who has always been the reasonable one out. She's the complete opposite of Ainsley.

  "I really do hope you're right about it being for the best," she mutters, not quite reaching my mom's gaze.

  "We're still trying," my mom replies. "Maybe we'll even get back together one day, who knows."

  Lydia presses her lips into a tight line and gets off the couch. She hugs each parent before going upstairs, my guess is to talk to Ainsley. If she'll talk to anyone, it will be Lydia.

  And then there was three.

  "I would say my opinion but it doesn't matter because I'll be permanently lodging in the ground by the time this all goes down," I say.

  "Don't talk like that," my mom says with tears welling in her eyes.

  I let out a humorless laugh. "Why? It's true."

  "No parent wants to hear their child talk about their death so leisurely. It's also no parents dream to outlive their child. It should be the other way around."

  "You know what no kid wants to hear? That their parents are separating. I guess that's just life. You play with the cards you're dealt," I say coldly. I stand up and make my way to the front door. "I agree with Lydia. I hope you can make it work. Not for my sake, but for theirs."

  "I'm sorry," she calls out. Her voice cracks and I can tell she's about to break down.

  "I'm not the one you should be apologizing to," I respond honestly before leaving.

  ***

  I pound on Mason's door. After a few minutes of not getting a response, I open the door and let myself in.

  "Hello? Mason? Are you here?" I call out, wandering around the main level. There are no signs of life down here. Although, the mess in the living room has been cleaned. I wasn't gone for too long, maybe an hour tops before coming back.

Where could he be?

  I move up the stairs. "I hope you don't mind but the door was unlocked so I let myself in."

I hear a hushed voice coming from Mason's bedroom. In a quieter voice, I call out his name one more.

  I push open the bedroom door and find him perched at the foot of his bed beside Brooklyn. His whole body is slumped over with his hands cupped over his face. From his body language, I can tell he's exasperated.

  "What's wrong?" I ask concerned. My brows furrow with worry and a frown forms on my lips.

  "Nothing," he answer dismissively.

  "Are you okay?" I ask, moving closer. I stand beside him and place my hand on his shoulder.

  "I'm fine, Vivian. Let it go," he snaps angrily at me. I jerk my hand away from him.

  "Okay, there's no need to be so rude. I just want to help," I say defensively.

  "I know you do. Have you ever considered I don't want your help? That this is none of your concern?"

  "Mason—" Brook says in a warning tone. My eyes widen at the harshness in his voice.

  "Don't," he snaps at her, shutting her up. He looks at me, anger masking his features. "All you want to do is help; news flash, Vivian, you're the charity case here. So before you go sticking your head in other people's business why don't you take care of your own."

  My heart falls at his words. I blink a few times before anger floods over me. How dare he talk to me like that! "I'm sorry I genuinely cared about you, Mason, I really am. I'm sorry I'm not more like your ex-girlfriend and played with your feelings instead of helping. If I do recall correctly though, you were the one who offered to help me in the first place and stuck your nose in my business. So excuse me for trying to return the favor." 

  "I'm a volunteer; it's my job to take care of the needs of the ill. I was being charitable, donating my time to a good cause. Turns out that cause has been a more of burden," he snaps back at me.

  "Fuck you," I seethe, clenching my fists. I grit my teeth together. "You knew exactly what you were getting into. And if I was such a burden, you could have left at any time. Nothing was stopping you."

  "You're telling me that if I left, you would have willingly let me? I call bullshit. You would have begged me to stay so you could fulfill the list of things you would never do on your own. Let's face it, Vivian. You need me; without me you would be nowhere." 

  "Why? Will hearing me say that boost your ego?" I snap. "Well forget it, because I'm never going to say it. Where would you be Mason, huh? Grovelling around about your ex, going from charity case to charity case to help with their needs? Let's face it Mason, you never do anything for yourself and let others dictate what happens in your life so who's pathetic now?"

  He stands up and marches in front of me. If he thinks I'm backing down, he's dead wrong. I would sooner die then let him bother me. His tall figure looms over me. "I would be doing what I always to; give back to the less fortunate such as yourself."

  That's it. He's pushed me too far. Without any second thoughts, my hand soars through the air and collides with the side of his face. At this point, all I can see is red.

  "You know what they say, the road to hell is paved with good intentions," I grit out through clenched teeth before storming down the hall. Mason stands still with his hand cradling the cheek I slapped. With one final glance over my shoulder, I can see regret on his face.

Too fucking late.

  I stomp down the stairs. Tears spring at my eyes. I hate that I cry when I'm pissed. He probably thinks he hurt me.

  He did though.

  "Wait!" I hear Brooklyn call followed by the sound of feet pounding down a flight of stairs.

  "What?" I say bluntly, turning to face her.

  "I know this won't in any way make up for his behavior. I'm appalled at the way he talked to you and I'm so incredibly sorry for that. But, I just want you to know that that person back there wasn't him. He has an excuse for being angry, but not for directing it at you. I really do hope you can at least understand why he was angry eventually. Forgiving is a whole other story that only you and time can tell. I know you don't want to hear any of this, but I care for both of you and I don't like seeing you hurt," she explains. She pulls me into a tight hug. I don't say anything. I'm still fuming from are heated argument, but I can see where she's coming from.

  She releases me and I take the opportunity to escape the house.

  Once in the security of my bedroom, I release all my emotions. I cry because of the sting his words left. I scream because of the anger coursing through my body.

  "No regrets?" I whisper to myself, remembering the words Mason once told me. "The only regret I have is going over to see Mason and letting myself get hurt."