Song~ Mess is Mine by Vance Joy

***

  I sit outside with Lydia and Ainsley under the shade provided by the massive oak tree in our backyard. The cool breeze nips at the exposed skin on my legs. Ainsley is attempting to climb the ladder into our tree house while Lydia is tugging at her foot. I watch uneasily as the rope ladder sways against the tree.

  "We haven't been up here in ages," Ainsley yells down to us. She disappears into the tree house and Lydia follows quickly. Soft giggles echo down as I lounge against the trunk of the tree with my favorite book resting on my lap while I stare up at the shack nestled among the branches. It's wood is splintering and there are several holes in the floor. I'm beginning to question if it's a good idea that they're in there. I hear an abrupt squeal before they both come rushing down the ladder.

  "Spider!" Lydia yells. She tumbles to the ground with Ainsley on her heels. I raise my eyebrows.

  "It's just a spider. It won't hurt you." They both plop onto the grass beside me.

  Ainsley looks at me and scoffs. "There wasn't just one. There were a lot. They're nasty." She shudders.

  I shrug. "They aren't that bad. There's worse things out there in the world."

  "How do they not scare you? They're so creepy and crawly. Why do they even need 8 legs anyways?" Lydia mutters scrunching her nose up in disgust. "Now I remember why we haven't been up there in forever. It should be torn down."

  "I think we should keep it for sentimental purposes," I reply placing my book on the grass beside me. "Do you guys want to play a game or something?" I stand up and stretch my cramped muscles.

  Ainsley scoffs. "A game? How old are we? Five?"

  Lydia stands up with me. Defensively, she says, "Come on, Ains. We should bond. We hardly ever do anything as sisters. Lighten up and have some fun. You're only young for so long."

  That got both me and Ainsley to stop and stare. Lydia may be the youngest, but she sure knows how to put everyone in their place.

  Ainsley sighs. She extends both of her hands. Lydia and I each take one to help her up. "Alright. What game do you want to play?"

  "Something easy. I feel a little dizzy, but I want to spend time with you guys. Let's play hide and seek." I suggest. I haven't played this game in ages. 

  "Is Mason coming by today at all?" Ainsley asks hopefully.

  I purse my lips. Since last night I had gotten several messages from him. I gave short answers hoping he would take the hint that I'm not interested. Finally, after three messages I decided to turn off my phone and leave it inside.

  "No, he has plans today," I lie. "I'll be it first."

  Ainsley and Lydia smile. Ainsley whispers in Lydia's ear and gets a nod in response. They both scurry off. I turn around and press my face against the tree trunk. I count down from 10 loudly before turning around and scanning the yard. I quickly search behind the tree. Frowning, I pace around the length backyard. There aren't many places here to hide. Our backyard is fenced with various plants and shrubs lining the majority of the fence. A bright yellow shed occupies the space in the far right hand corner with a quaint vegetable patch to its left. Our oak tree stands proudly in the middle of the yard. I march over to the shed and shield my eyes against the glass. No one is in there.

  With a sigh, I turn back around. The gate that separates our front yard from our back  is wide open. I laugh evilly before stalking to the front yard.

  "Come out come out wherever you are," I call tauntingly. "I know you're both in the front."

  I walk down the middle of the driveway between my parents vehicles. I hear the shuffle of footsteps behind my mom's van. I pause and crouch down slightly. Summoning the grace I learned from ballet when I was a child, I pounce.

  "Aha! I got you!" I cheer while grabbing their arm.

  Uh oh. This was most definitely not the arm of a teenage girl. My face is eye level with Mason's chest. My eyes slowly travel upwards to see his face. His brown hair is swept over his eyes. Damn him for being so cute. Damn his genes for making him so cute.

  "Hey," he says grinning broadly. "You weren't answering any of my texts, so I didn't know when you wanted me to come over. I'm glad I caught you or should I say you caught me."

  "I'm sorry I was playing with my sisters." I shuffle my feet awkwardly.

  "That's okay. I can wait for you to finish your game. Or I can come back later. I packed sandwiches and some lemonade and other things. I thought we could have a picnic. We could-"

  I raise my hand to cut him off. I take a step backwards to gain some distance between us. "Mason, I'm sorry, but I don't think we should do this anymore."

  His expression changes in an instant. "What do you mean?"

  "Mason, I'm starting to think you getting involved with me is a bad idea. You barely know me and you're being really kind and charitable by giving up your time to hang out with me, but I don't want you to get attached. I'm dying, Mason. I have a month to live- maybe even less- and I don't want you to get hurt. It's best if you stay away," I reply. My heart pangs with sadness and guilt, but these words need to be spoken. 

  "Have you even considered maybe you're worth the pain?"

  I don't answer. I just stare at him bewildered. He takes my silence as an invitation to continue. 

  "You have this idea in your head that if you push people out of your life it will stop them from getting hurt. Have you stopped to consider that by pushing them away you are hurting them worse than if you were to let them in?  I'm not some child. I can make my own decisions and this decision to spend time with you is one of the best ones I could make." His eyes are wide and his nostrils are flaring.

  "I'm trying to protect you! You deserve better than this. I have so much crap I have to deal with and I don't want to get you involved and suffer with me. In one month I will be 6 feet underground  in a coffin. If I can change how many lives I affect than I am going to do my best to keep it minimal." I argue stubbornly. My fists clench beside me.

  He runs a hair angrily through his hair. His piercing blue eyes stare into mine. "You're not a saint, Vivian. Stop trying to be a martyr and act like you're saving me from pain because you aren't. You're trying to save yourself from the guilt. We're all technically dying in some way. It's called life and aging. I could die tomorrow for all I know. I could be hit by a bus or squashed by a tree. But I do know I chose to be with you because I like you. You are worth the pain no matter what you think. I wouldn't be here if I didn't want to be, so get off your high horse."

I bite my lip. "I don't want to hurt anyone," I murmur fighting back a sob. I close my eyes and hear something hit the ground. It's most likely the things he brought for the picnic. I feel one of his hands cup the back of my head and the other wrap around my waist. He pulls me against his chest and runs a soothing hand through my hair.

  "Viv, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to upset you." He pulls back and levels his eyes to mine. The angry expression he had before has transformed into something more soft. "So what if you have baggage? So do I along with everyone else in this world. Don't push me away when all I want to do is help." His voice comes out pleadingly and he sounds hurt. I sniffle, but thankfully no tears have come.

  I allow his words to sink in. By pushing people away I'm going to do more harm than good.

  I wave a dismissive hand. "Fine fine. But you brought this upon yourself. I'll tell you over lunch."

  He nods and runs a hand through his hair. I bite the corner of my lip and lead him to our backyard. Standing beside the tree is Ainsley and Lydia.

  Ah crap I forgot about them. I frown.

  "We win!" Ainsley cheers sticking her tongue out at me. Her attention is drawn to something behind me. My eyes follow her gaze and land on Mason.

  "And I just found my prize!" She yells excitedly before sprinting in his direction.

  "Try not to trip over your low IQ while you're running," I call after her. I watch as she spreads her arms and prepares to embrace Mason. The sheer look of terror on his face has both me and Lydia doubling over with laughter.

  Ainsley wraps her arms around his waist and follows him as he walks over to us. He drops the basket onto the ground.

  "Can you guys do me a huge favor and go inside? Thanks," I say smiling.

  Lydia pries Ainsley off of Mason and drags her inside.

  "Cool tree house," he says casually while pulling out a blanket from his basket. He lifts it in the air before allowing it to cascade over the ground.

  I sigh and sit down. "Yeah it's pretty cool even if it is a safety hazard. What do you want me to open up about?"

  "I didn't say you had to share your life story with me I just don't want you to push me out of your life which I'm assuming you have done to someone before."

  I scoff angrily. "I have not."

  "Oh really? When I was talking to your parents, mostly your mom,  the other day they went on and on about how they were glad you had a friend. They said I was your first friend since Katerina."

  My heart pangs with guilt. "That sounds like something they would say." I divert my attention to the food he is piling on a plate. "I won't be able to eat all of that."

  "You're going to try. And if you don't cooperate I will result to making airplane noises and feeding you myself," he says seriously. "Who's Katerina?"

  "I thought you didn't want my life story," I say mockingly. He shoots me a pointed look. I sigh. "She was my friend. My best friend"

  "And...?" He trails off waiting for me to elaborate.

  "And when I found out I couldn't fight this disease, I just shut down. I pushed a lot of people out of my life like I tried to do to you too . Of course, she was persistent enough to not leave me alone. For the first few months of having me shut down, she stayed by my side and made get-well-soon cards and had movie marathons with me and promised no matter how hard things got she wouldn't leave me. Despite how rude and distant I was to her she stuck with me. Finally, the news came I needed a heart transplant, but no one had a heart to give me and the odds of my body rejecting it were high. At that point, although it was unspoken, I knew I had no hope. All of my other treatments were failing and then with the news of a transplant, I just snapped. I pushed everyone out of my life. Katerina gave up after I ignored all of her calls and all of her messages. You are the first person I've opened up to in over a year."

    A silence falls over us. "So what's stopping you from texting her now?" He asks quietly.

  "I don't know," I reply truthfully. "I guess I'm stopping myself."

  "Exactly! If you can open up to me then I think you can open up to her. If she's as persistent to be your friend as you say she is then I don't think she'll hesitate to accept you," he answers.

  I smile sheepishly. "When did you get so wise?"

  "Ah I never reveal my secrets." He grins. His phone vibrates in his pocket. He frowns and types a quick reply. "I have to go now. Sorry that was so quick. I have family matters to deal with." His blue eyes look cold and distant. Nows not the time to question him.

  We both stand up. Sadness fills me. "It's okay. I'm sorry I tried to push you out of my life. It's just I thought it would be easier to not form attachments."

  He smiles softly and tucks a piece of hair behind my ear. My skin tingles at his touch. "I know. Can I leave the basket here? I can pick it up tomorrow I'm just in a rush right now. It's important."

  I nod and smile.

  "Thank you, Vivian. Hopefully I'll see you tomorrow."

  He runs down the side path and disappears from sight. I kneel down and fold the blanket and tuck it securely within the confines of the basket. I trudge inside with the basket in tow. Plopping down on the couch, I whip out my phone and scroll through my contacts. Tapping the screen, I put the phone against my ear and listen to the phone ring.

  Please don't pick up. Please don't pick up. This is so awkward.

  "Hello?" A familiar high pitched voice asks on the other end of the line.

  "Hey Kat it's Vivian calling."

  A loud squeal rings through my ear. "I have missed you so so much! It's so good to hear from you. How have you been?"

  "Not my best, but I'm getting there. Do you want to hang out sometime to catch up? I know it's been a while." Mason was right, she did accept me with open arms. I'm so lucky to have her.

  "Sure I'm free tomorrow. Do you want to meet at the Starbucks down the street from my house? Is that okay? I'm going out next week on a camping trip with my parents for some bonding time, but I will always make time for my bestfriend!" She chirps happily.

  My heart pangs with guilt.

  "Yeah that's great! I have a lot to tell you," I say sadly. A moment of silence passes between us.

  "Well you can tell me tomorrow," she replies happily. "I have some things to tell you myself. It's been great to hear from you, Viv."

  "You too, Kat," I reply before ending the call.

  I open my messages and text Mason.

  Me~ Change of plans. I'm going out with Katerina tomorrow. Do you want to hang out the day after tomorrow?

  Within minutes I get a reply.

  Mason~ Sure np! I hope it goes okay :)

  Me~ Me too! See ya

I get off the couch and enter the kitchen. Lydia and Ainsley have their chairs side by side and are staring at their phone screens. They look up at me expectantly.

  "So who's ready for round 2?"