Here

"It destroys me that I have to pretend to be okay. It absolutely crushes me that I have to hide my heartbreaking truth; the fact that I wish I was anywhere but here" - Ccz

• Vincent •

"Just drive. I don't need any kind of scolding from you" Knox grumbled
He was tired, dishevelled was a better word
Emotionally drained as he slumped in the passenger seat

"I wasn't going to say anything" I said, starting the car
"Yes you were. You always have something to say" he bit back
"I'm sorry" I said

"What?" He asked confused
"I'm sorry. That's what I have to say, I'm sorry about Lorenzo, I can't imagine the pain you feel" I said simply, not coldly but... unable to convey the care I actually felt

Knox was a hard man to get along with
Yet here I was, driving him home
"Take me to the town, I'll walk from there" he said simply after a while
"No, the house is furth-"

"I'm not going home. Not now" he said
"Knox they need yo-"
"If you tell me what my family need, I'll cut your fucking throat" he threatened

"You told Baby what she needed, and look at her... stuck with a fucking moron like you" he said
I let it slide
He was hurting
They all were. And Baby wouldn't appreciate me beating the shit out of her brother

She saw me as better than that
And I would be whatever she wanted me to be.

"Knox-"
"We don't have to talk, just drive and then fuck off" he said
I sighed, stopping the car
"What are you doing?" He asked
"Despite what you think. I love her, I really do. And I loved Lorenzo" I said, looking at him

"You are hurting, I understand that, but killing people isn't going to bring him back. And it won't make it hurt any less" I said

He scoffed
"Answer to everything" he mumbled
"No. I just know the anger in you isn't what you think it is. When everything's calmed down and you look at what you missed, you'll be worse, they need you, you need them, despite how much I know you'll protest" I sighed, starting the car again.

"I'll drop you in town, I don't care what you do. But think about them. Natalia slept on the sofa and Lia hasn't stopped crying. Baby is trying to hold it together and she can't. You need each other. You need to be here for them" I said

He said nothing. So I continued to drive
Until we eventually made it to town
And he slowly and silently got out, walking away from me.

• Baby •

"Hey" Rocco smiled softly, as I made my way over to the table
I had slept for hours
Hours and hours that one in the afternoon didn't seem like anything to me when I had woken up
And finally dragging myself up half an hour later only left me feeling achy

An achy dull pain in my chest from all the tears
"I made some lunch, you should eat" he said, sitting my down.

"Where is everyone?" I asked, only seeing Lia opposite me
"Your ma went for a bath, I think the sofa has done her no favours. Vincent left this morning and Knox hasn't been back since he left yesterday" he explained, pouring the tea

"Where did Vincent go?" I asked
"I... don't know if you'll want the answer to that" he said slowly
"Why?" I asked quietly
I felt like I was on autopilot
That my body was moving and doing before my mind actually caught up with me

"He uh... the men said he went to bail Knox out" he said
"What for?" I asked
He looked at Lia, then to me
Which only told me through his hesitance that it was something really bad
He moved his finger across his throat, telling me silently how my brother killed someone last night.

I closed my eyes, taking a breath
"And they haven't been back?" I asked
He shook his head
"No, neither of them" he said

"I... I woke up a few times, in the night, Vincent... he wasn't there" I said
"No. He slept in my room, he didn't think it was right to... well, he wanted to give you some space" he said

I appreciated that. I really did
Yet of all the nights I've rolled over and felt him beside me... last night was the night I needed it most
Needed his arms around me so I could cry into him
I felt so... alone

So heartbroken

•

"You'll catch a cold" I said simply, putting a shawl around mama, sitting beside her and huddling into her
She stared ahead, the breeze blowing her cheeks dry from the tears running

"He loved it out here" she said
"I know" I mumbled
"He..." she sighed, looking down

"What am I supposed to do now? Without him?" She asked
"Aren't you supposed to be telling us everything will be fine?" I chuckled sadly
"It will be darling, you and Knox, you're strong, Lia... she'll... she'll understand her grief one day but... I'm alone now, alone for the rest of it. He always joked he'd go before me. An old soul he said. But I..." she choked on her tears

"I just don't know what to do without him with me" she cried softly
I pulled her into me
"It's okay, you have us. We... we'll get through it, together" I assured her.

•

I decided to cook
Rocco was right
We had to eat
Mama had nothing all day, a family meal was the right thing to do

The right thing for us all. I just wish Knox would come home
"What are you making?" Vincent's voice rang through the kitchen

I turned to find him, not in his usual suit
Not with his usual demeanour
He was soft and warm and... sad
"You're back" I said simply
He nodded
"Yeah" he said quietly

I put the knife down, moving across the floor to hug him
And he immediately wrapped his arms around me
"Hey... it's alright" he said, holding me close
"It's not. Nothing is alright and I..." I looked up at him
"I just don't know what to do. What to say" I said honestly

"I know, but I'm here, you keep putting on a face but... you're hurting Baby, you need to grieve too" he said
I nodded, feeling the tears wanting to sting my eyes
"I know" I sighed

"Is Knox back too?" I asked
He shook his head
"No, he made me drop him in town" he said

I sighed again, I didn't know what to do with him
"Thank you, for going to get him, you didn't have to, I know he doesn't like you-"
"It's alright, I didn't mind" he said, kissing the top of my head

"Finish dinner, I'm sure he'll come home eventually" he assured.
I nodded, although I didn't believe it
Knox was reckless and often stupid when it came to his emotions
If he was unbalanced then he was dangerous

•

"It... it's lovely Baby" Lia said politely, eating the pasta quietly
I offered her a sad smile
"Yeah, it's great" Rocco said
"Thank you" I said simply, before Vincent's hand found mine under the table, and I looked to him
To see nothing but support in his eyes.

"Hello?"
My head shot to the door
Finding Knox drunkenly staggering into the dining room
"Knox?" Mama said, getting up
"Hey ma" he said

"Are you drunk?" She asked
"Solo un po" he chuckled
'Just a little'

"Knox" she sighed
"Quando imparerai?" She said tiredly
'When will you learn?'

"Oh andiamo mamma, non capita tutti i giorni che tuo padre muoia, datemi un po' di tregua" he rambled out
'Oh come on mum, it's not every day your dad dies, cut me some slack'

Lia got up, quickly leaving the room
For fuck sake Knox.
"Go to bed Knox" I said
"No. No... I came back for dinner. I'm here" he slurred

"Go to bed eh? We'll have dinner together tomorrow" I said gently
"No, sono qui per cena, come ha detto Vincent, sono qui" he said slowly
'No, I'm here for dinner, like Vincent said, I'm here'

"Dinner seems to be over, why don't you go and get some sleep?" I tried again
"No, no, voglio continuare a bere, dov'è il whisky di papà?" He mumbled, before mama slapped him across the face
'No, no, I want to keep drinking, where's dad's whiskey?'

Vincent and Rocco looked shocked by the slap
Unable to understand what he had said or why she was upset with him
"Go to bed. Now" she said loudly
He looked at her, the best he could in his state.

"Fine" he said, unsure of what he had said wrong, before he staggered off down the hallway
"I... I'm going to bed" she said
"No mama-"

"I'm fine. Just tired. Goodnight" she said
"Goodnight" Rocco mumbled confused, before he looked at me
"What did he say?" He asked
"Stupid things Rocco" I answered simply
"Very stupid things" I mumbled, standing up
"I think I'm going to go too" I said

But Vincent's hand stopped me
"Sleep well, I'll see you in the morning, I'll try and actually be here" he smiled sadly
"Actually can you... will you stay with me? Please?" I asked

He nodded, allowing me to lead him away as Rocco mumbled another confused goodnight

I shut the door, taking a breath
"You don't have to pretend Baby" he said
"I'm not" I lied, unsure what he meant
"You're trying to keep everyone together" he said
"Yes. He told me to. Dad said I should... that everyone else would fall apart. And look at them Vincent, that's exactly what they've done" I said

"I know, but it doesn't mean you can't let it out. You can lean on me Baby, I'm here" he assured, pulling me gently into his hold
And every tear that had threatened me over the day came spilling out
Before I could even realise it.

"I'm sorry" I said
"Don't be sorry, at all" he comforted
"I'm here. Even if you don't want me to be, I'll be here, okay?" He asked
I nodded into his chest, wiping my tears away as he held me.

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