In the striking silence of the fandom, as we wondered how this could've just taken place, the numbers rolled in and we learned that the script had sold over two million copies in two days. Almost a million in the first week in the UK alone. It was the most pre-ordered book of 2016. It had six consecutive weeks at No. 1 - the longest run of any book that year. Commercially, it wasn't just a success. Cursed Child was completely crushing it. Hindsight proved out their concept because the play won theatrical awards and the response from critics continued to be amazing.

But how?

I can understand if the production was entertaining, but the plot... THE PLOT! It just didn't seem to make any sense, and it created a lasting fog of awkwardness. The majority of fans disagreed with the creator for the first time, and the outliers from the fandom were coming across more like sycophant Twitter bots, with hopeless, undeterred devotion.

It made me wonder if they would sing JKR's praises no matter what she wrote. Seriously. She could come out with a new interpretation of the entire book series in a few years, saying that she always intended for the story to take place entirely in Harry's young, abused mind. That he never left the cupboard under the stairs. That magic doesn't exist. And, wouldn't you know, she could claim there was always evidence of her new theory:

"Tell me one last thing," said Harry, "Is this real? Or has this been happening inside my head?"

Dumbledore beamed at him, and his voice sounded loud and strong in Harry's ears even though the bright mist was descending again, obscuring his figure. "Of course it is happening inside your head, Harry, but why on earth should that mean it is not real?"

Oh, that's it! How did we all miss it!

Magic isn't real. Give us more proof!

Sure! What about the three gifts the Dursleys gave Harry? A fifty-pence coin, a toothpick, and a single tissue. Oooh, see. It's the symbols of the Deathly Hallows! It DID all happen in Harry's head. How could we have ever thought differently? We're not upset at all and it's totally canon now. Hail Queen Jo!

So much of what I've laid out is the combination of a mistreatment of the fans (you racists), a strong grip on her world (I wouldn't go that far, Will), a laziness toward proper research (cultural appropriation), appalling PR, and flagrant disregard for her own canon. And all in the pursuit of a new idea... something we can package and market and sell as fast as humanly possible, because money is the only true currency. You can't buy a yacht with praise from fans about some old product.

Here's a quote from Jurassic Park that relates well to the Cursed Child script.

You stood on the shoulders of geniuses to accomplish something as fast as you could. And before you even knew what you had, you patented it and packaged it and slapped it on a plastic lunchbox, and now you're selling it...

They rushed.

And then didn't own up to their mistakes.

Again.

Only this time it defined the future of our favorite characters. So many news articles were telling me that I needed to be excited about this and that the Harry Potter world had never felt more magical. Sorry to disagree, but it had never felt more opportunistic. And then that theory was all but confirmed.

On Tuesday the 6th of September, Pottermore was releasing three (YES - THREE) new books with "original, never-seen-before" writing by author J.K. Rowling! What? You're gonna Beyoncé drop this on us? Dang, okay. After reading an entire book about Harry that was nowhere near your writing style, this was precisely what we wanted.

Our cries were heard. Let's do this!

Under the banner of Pottermore Presents, each of the three books looked impressive and only cost a few bucks! Hey, that's way better than handing over $30 for that gah-bidge y'all just forced on us. This is really great. Potterheads bought them eagerly!

And then, with one great groan, we said, "Er..." But it wasn't that adorable pause that Harry did so well. No, it was like the noise of a tire screeching.

With the word count of a single, long chapter, the majority of the content from each e-book was eerily familiar. In fact, we discovered that it was pulled directly from Pottermore. "What?" you ask... Yes, you read that right. We were being sold material that we'd already been given for free. We were promised new writing from JKR and got a couple hundred words here and there. I felt the word SUCKER being stamped to my forehead with a THUNK! Money grab. And it wasn't even one book. We got you to buy three of them!! Gotcha, chump! Ugh. At least Tales of Beedle the Bard and Quidditch Through the Ages were for charity... And they were physical books!

Making fans pay for something that was free up until that point? Really, Jo?

Tisk tisk. Add that sin to the list.

The criticism of the Hogwarts e-book collection brought a swift response from the author and the site, itself.

Anne Rafferty, director of Pottermore further explained: "We read through everything in our archives, took pieces written by Rowling and the Pottermore editorial team, and sewed it all together."

As with the marketing that led up to the release of Cursed Child, where many uninformed fans were misled into buying the play script, thinking it was a new Harry Potter novel, ambiguity caused us to believe we were getting something new. Again, we were caught intentionally off-guard because the name J.K. Rowling was on the cover when the content was mostly written by other people. This time it was the staff of Pottermore. The site claimed that it was produced because some fans didn't have the ability to access the content from the website or some lame excuse. I mean...we should have felt lucky, right?! We got a "curated, themed anthology of previously-published writing from the archives" after all! Whoa...archives...

Nah, we weren't having it. Their attempt at recreating enthusiasm was falling flat.

#JKRowlingIsOverParty was trending on Twitter.

Opportunistic capitalism. How disappointing. Nostalgia is a lucrative emotion, I'm told. And what may be valuable to us is far more valuable to them. 2016-Mike knew exactly what 2017-Mike would find out. JKR just inched herself back to the top of the highest paid author list.

With illustrated editions, Cursed Child, a new Robert Galbraith book, and now a published version of previously free internet material (BTW they have yet to provide sales figures for the Pottermore reprint slash Hogwarts e-book scam), Miss Rowling was raking in the most money she had ever earned in a single year. And don't forget that a hardcover version of the screenplay for Fantastic Beasts was already on pre-order!

This whole icky commercialization caused me to recall a moment from a few years back when they made an entire book out of the *short* commencement speech she had given at Harvard. Again, getting fans to pay for something they could already read online for free.

But, really? An entire book? Why, of course! The cash cow cannot milk itself. And it's just sitting out there in the pasture. Grab a bucket! Uh...but it's only a few thousand words. Add pictures and stuff. These idiots will buy anything we put in front of them. Don't forget to put her name on it. We'll have more gold than Harry's vault at Gringotts!

Personally, I think this is the real reason her Robert Galbraith pseudonym was leaked a few years back. Publishers knew that they had a gold mine on their hands. Why would they honor her secrecy if it only promised a measly run? Hey, Potter fans are aching to throw their money in her direction. Stop keeping the secrets already!

Sometimes I wonder if there is a publisher out there asking if they can make a book out of her tweets. Don't be surprised when it's announced. The degree to which Warner Bros. courted JKR to encourage a new film series...that, wouldn't you know, went from one film, to three, to five... The hunger to tap into our fandom is voracious. We're getting a book of tweets someday. Hokey phrase, but mark my words. All you need are kick-a$$ covers by Miraphora Mina and Eduardo Lima, the go-to graphic designers of the franchise, to get all of us to cough up the cash.

And, frankly, I'm fine with this - with ALL of this - as long as the new material (not reprints of old or free material) respects what came before it. But I also would be satisfied with one new book or movie every seven years, if JKR needed to take that long to get it right. But that won't be happening. Why? Because she confirmed during the summer that the two-part play would be the final installment of Harry's story.

So... y'know...hope you're satisfied.

For Voldemort and Valor.

Here's a screengrab from the film Airplane that uses a background prop to take a swipe at the Rocky franchise for continuing to milk the cash cow until the hero can hardly stand. It's funny because it's totally not. I don't want to see this happen to Harry...

Haste and the potential for abundant wealth are forces that directly conflict with quality and consistency. And you need look no further than the content of HARRY POTTER AND THE CURSED CHILD for an example of inconsistency borne by impetuous greed. But after simmering on this mess for a year, something still doesn't jive. Because JKR has proven, time and again, that she cares deeply for the fans and is anything but greedy. . .