School Security

Here's a question that's been bugging me from the start: How in the name of Percival Weasley did Delphi get onto Hogwarts grounds so easily? She was never a student, or a teacher, or a staff member. She wasn't invited. She wasn't a visiting relative. So, how? How was she able to gain access (as we learned in the very first book of the series) to one of the safest places in the wizarding world? This passage from the play makes me laugh out loud every time I read it.

SCORPIUS walks unhappily down a staircase. DELPHI scurries in from the other side.

DELPHI: So - technically - I shouldn't be here.

SCORPIUS: Delphi?

DELPHI: In fact, technically I'm endangering our entire operation...which is not...well, I'm not a natural risk-taker as you know. I've never been to Hogwarts. Pretty lax security here, isn't there?

Lax security? Really? What about disguising the castle from Muggles, an inability to Apparate or Disapparate on school grounds, environmental safeguards like the mountain, the forbidden forest, the lake, and the Whomping Willow. The books seemed to specify quite clearly that school security was "tightened a hundredfold" after the return of Voldemort. Like anti-intruder jinxes on the walls and bewitched front gates. The idea that anyone could just stroll into the castle is ludicrous, and something that would come from poorly conceived, thoroughly unresearched fanfiction.

October 31, 1981

There is a lot of speculating from Albus and Scorpius when they're accidentally pulled back to the distant past with Delphi. They assume, by the date, that Delphi has traveled back in time to kill Harry Potter. So, they head to Godric's Hollow and look for a way to alert their parents in the future. The level of absurdity surrounding this is too much to handle in one post, so let's just touch on a single point. When their families show up suddenly in the past after decoding the note from the baby blanket, Albus explains what's going to happen.

ALBUS: She's here - she's trying to kill you, we think. Before Voldemort curses himself she's going to kill you and so break the prophecy.

How can Albus be so confident in this? Where did he obtain this information? He has nothing to go on because Delphi ditched them immediately. Of course, the smartest one of the bunch doesn't refute it in the slightest. In fact, both Harry and Hermione agree that this is the case... again with zero evidence beyond the date of their arrival.

HERMIONE: Time is of the essence. We need to get people into position.

Hurry. Get people into position! Because we totally know what time Delphi is coming! For some reason!

They eventually figure out that Delphi coming to kill Harry doesn't make sense. But all that does is waste our time with pointless tension and speculation, yet again, proving that the writers incorrectly believe that a play with characters who constantly act on assumptions is enjoyable to watch.

It's not.

Now, the gang understands that Delphi had chosen that date to stop Voldemort from trying to kill baby Harry, thus keeping the curse from rebounding onto her evil daddy. Forget the fact that this is a total paradox, because this action would eliminate Delphi's very existence... since she's a child of the reborn version of Voldemort (different body - Goblet of Fire)... which means that if she was never born, she can't go back to do this action in the first place!! But who needs logic in this play? If you just throw a bunch of words onto a page, call it canon, and say it all makes perfect sense, it just... does! IT'S MAGIC!!

Polyjuice Potion

As always, disguising one character as another character through Polyjuice Potion is the preferred plot device of J.K. Rowling. It's already been mentioned earlier that the Albus, Scorpius, and Delphi become the adult versions of Harry, Ron, and Hermione. How they got the hairs (or other bits) of the trio goes unexplained. Maybe swiping a hair from some guy who works at a joke shop on Diagon Alley would be simple, but how did she sneak up on both the Minister of Magic and the Head of the Department of Magical Law Enforcement? And while we're on the topic of Delphi sneaking around...

Professor McGonagall mentioned that a few ingredients had gone missing from the storeroom - ingredients that we know to be the source of Polyjuice Potion. We learn in later scenes that this was the work of our antagonist, Delphini Diggory / Lestrange. But... why? Why was it done this way? She wasn't a student at Hogwarts. McGonagall states that none of the ingredients were on the Restricted Register, which would mean that they're readily available to all witches and wizards, so what is Delphi's reasoning for sneaking into a highly guarded wizarding school to steal supplies that would certainly not go unnoticed by the staff... rather than... oh, I dunno... visiting a shop on Diagon Alley like everyone else in the wizarding world?

But, by far, the most frustrating of all the Polyjuice Potion nonsense comes in the final act, when the whole gang brainstorms a plan to defeat Delphi by using Polyjuice to disguise one of them as Voldemort. First, they talk about how Bathilda Bagshot, who lives nearby, might have the right ingredients. But, oh, if only they had some bit of Voldemort...

Are we...? Did we...? So, we're just going to completely gloss over the fact that IT TAKES A MONTH TO BREW!!!

"How long will it take to make, anyway?" said Harry as Hermione, looking happier, opened the book again.

"Well, since the fluxweed has got to be picked at the full moon and the lacewings have got to be stewed for twenty-one days... I'd say it'd be ready in about a month, if we can get all the ingredients."

"A month?" said Ron. "Malfoy could have attacked half the Muggle-borns in the school by then!"

Remember the long-awaited sequel to the first book? Did you not even read Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets?? HERMIONE USING THE GIRLS BATHROOM TO CONCOCT THIS VERY DIFFICULT POTION??? What am I READING? Can this garbage GET ANY WORSE?

Trolley Witch

Of course. Worse...

There's SO MUCH I could say right now about the Trolley Lady. But since we're closing out the Unexplained and Abnormal section, let's discuss her very significant role in the revised Harry Potter canon. Unbeknownst to us, the witch in charge of passing out the sweets was the guardian of the Hogwarts Express! And not just that, she's got a perfect record.

TROLLEY WITCH: These hands have made over six million Pumpkin Pasties. I've got quite good at them. But what people haven't noticed about my Pumpkin Pasties is how easily they transform into something else...

She picks up a Pumpkin Pasty. She throws it like a grenade. It explodes.

And you won't believe what I can do with my Chocolate Frogs. Never - never - have I let anyone off this train before they reached their destination. Some have tried - Sirius Black and his cronies, Fred and George Weasley. ALL HAVE FAILED. BECAUSE THIS TRAIN - IT DOESN'T LIKE PEOPLE GETTING OFF IT...

Wow. The boss at the end of the video game has gone undefeated all these years! And yet, a few lines later, Albus and Scorpius jump off the train. Ah-mazing! Before now, no one has ever gotten past her to escape the Hogwarts Express. This is the first time. Because no one EVER thought of jumping off the train! These guys are masterminds. Way smarter than Sirius Black. He tried and failed.

So... Sirius didn't try... jumping? Is... is that what you're saying? Eh... Did you even read the books? If there was ever someone who could easily evade a one hundred and ninety-year-old trolley lady, it would've been the student who went on to be the first person in magical history to escape a highly guarded wizarding prison full of Dementors.

Once again, we forsake logic for cheap gimmicks. Where has our beloved Harry Potter canon gone? Why was it turned into this?