~The thing about love is that it catches you unawares, it turns up in the most unexpected places, even when you aren't looking for it~

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Aaliyah:

Breakfast! My favorite meal of the day.

Breaksfast is the place I splurge with calories, then I spend the rest of the day getting them off. It sets the mood and pace of the whole day for me whether I eat it alone or with Ammar.

As we sat in silence having breakfast, I saw a video of two adorable babies as I scrolled through my phone, I watched it with so much joy and admiration.

"What are you watching? Babies?" Ammar asked

"Yes, they are so adorable" I replied without taking my eyes off my phone.

"I bet you love babies, and you would want to have babies of your own huh? He asked

"Yes, at least they'll keep the house more lively. I'll be less lonely" I said, without thinking about the consequences of my speech

"So you want to have babies with me just so you can tie me down right? you want to do whatever it takes to keep in this marriage. Marriage is not by force, You're just unbelievable" Ammar said

"No, I didn't mean it like that. This is not a movie, I wouldn't want to tie you down against your will, but it'd be nice to have a family of my own" I said as I wondered why he is trying to make a big deal out of me wanting to have babies.

"I will never have children with you, I don't want my children to be anything like you. You're a terrible person with a terrible personality. I would not forgive myself if i brought little monsters into this world, you're enough to deal with" Ammar said with pure disgust

I've gotten used to Ammar's constant insults and accusations that I wasn't surprised with what he just said, though it hurt a lot.

I looked down at my feet, with my eyes so young, and so full of pain. Two lonely drops of winter rain, And no tear could these eyes sustain, For too much had they seen in Ammar's house.

I quickly wiped out my tears when I heard someone come into the house. I looked up to see Kim, Ammar's friend making her way to the dinning area.

"It's that time of the year again" Kim the petit Asian chimed as she walked through the door frame

And what time is that? Christmas? Ammar asked

"Of course not, My birthday daar" She replied with a hint of excitement in her voice

"You're both invited, here are your IV's" Kim said, as she handed the invitation cards over to me.

"One IV is enough, Aaliyah is not coming with me"  Ammar said

On hearing that, I quickly returned one of the IV's to Kim. But Kim rejected it, she gave it back to me.

"Ah ah, No No! don't bother showing up if Aaliyah is not coming with you" Kim told Ammar

Ammar has no choice, so he agreed to her demands

A part of me wanted to go to Kim's birthday party, the other part didn't. Because I have gotten used to being invisible, I can't even remember the last time I went out just for the sake of it.

I had stopped attending anything or leaving the house in general. I just couldn't stand seeing all the happy and healthy couple without wanting to bawl.

The one thing that keeps me going is the mix tape my Ex boyfriend gave me on our one year dating anniversary, I listened to it all the time.

Kim joined us for breakfast, and surprisingly I enjoyed her company. I discovered that we have the same interests, only that I have more of an appreciation for the outdoors

Kim suddenly started talking about her sexual encounters openly, that's when I was officially no longer a part of the conversation because I have zero experience when it comes to this particular topic. Though I have always wondered how it feels like, Ammar on the other hand was finding it amusing.

I don't know why, but this topic triggered me. Knowing that I might not be able to have this experience ever in my life almost brought tears to my eyes. I felt sorry for myself, much more than I intended to. I suddenly felt sad and uncomfortable, so I decided to excuse myself and go to my room. I'll be better off by myself.

As if sensing my intentions, Kim abruptly changed the topic. She immediately sparked up a new conversation when she started talking about her birthday plans. We were both so excited as we talked about it, I gave her some tips that would be really helpful because I am very good at event planning. Kim was grateful for the tips.

Ammar got bored along the way, so he excused himself. He told Kim he's going to take a shower and will be right back.

When he left, Kim fell silent for a moment. I was beginning to wonder what's on her mind when she spoke again. She hit me with the scariest question

"Aaliyah, are you a virgin? I saw the expression on your face when I started talking about intimacy" Kim said

"No, of course not. I'm married, why would I be a virgin? I replied

"I know you're married, that's why I even asked. You haven't answered my question, it's either yes or no" She said

"It's just that from where I came from, Talking about these things openly is considered immoral" I told her, trying to hide under the morality shade.

"I didn't mean it as an insult, I just thought you needed a friend to talk to about all these things. I'm here for you Aaliyah, trust me" Kim said with genuine concern

"I appreciate the concern, thanks" I said, avoiding any eye contact. Then the awkward silence followed.

"Yeah" I said again, breaking the silence

"Yeah? Yeah to What?" Kim asked, with expectation

"To the question you asked me earlier, I am a virgin" I replied, feeling so ashemed of myself and Shame is a soul eating emotion.

I want to drag knives over my skin right now, just to feel something other than shame, but I'm not even brave enough for that

Then I thought, Shame is always easier to handle if you have someone to share it with and If we can share our story with someone who responds with empathy and understanding, shame can't survive.

"OMG, she screamed. It's getting to two months and you and Ammar have never ........"

"No, we haven't " I interrupted her

I didn't miss the ounce of pity she wore in her eyes. I hated it, with every fiber of my being. The pity fed on my words, growing until her eyes were brimming with it. And i wished I hadn't shared or had answered with something generic instead of honestly giving a piece of myself

"Well, it's nothing to be ashamed of. And take it from me, it's not worth doing with the wrong person especially if it's your first time. She said in an attempt to make me feel better.

There's everything to be ashamed of, have you ever heard of a married virgin? How pathetic is that? I asked her

She fell silent for a while before gathering the courage to finally reply.

"Of course not" she said as she watched me attentively, offering me a solemn nod as she pursed her lips

"I suggest that you take your time dear, it's worth the wait" She told me with a small smile

Instead of telling her where to shove her unneeded suggestions, I simply downed the rest of my tea and gave her a smile that didn't reach my eyes

"Can we talk about something else?" I asked

"Yes please" she said and we both laughed to the awkwardness of it all.

After talking for a while, I realized that Kim is a very kind hearted humble soul unlike Ammar, I wonder how they are even friends.

When she started telling me her story, I came to understand that she has gone through a lot in her life. She has known pain, loss, sorrow and grief. She has also known love and happiness at some point.

She is a good person with a sharp mouth,
She has spent her life hiding behind the blades she grew on the tip of her tongue. Some people called her a bitch, while others took many steps away from her madness. But rare and few are those who could always find a way to see how genuine her heart is and how pure her soul is.

Kim lost her biological parents in a car  accident when she was a child, she lost her foster mother to cancer and her foster father is barely alive. He had a stroke and he is paralyzed, she took him to an institution where he would be better cared for while she struggled day and night to keep up with the bills.

I have only known Kim for a few hours, but I felt like I have known her my whole life.

After talking, we both felt relieved because When you give yourself permission to communicate what bothers you and what matters to you in every situation, you will have peace despite rejection or disapproval.

Putting a voice to your soul helps you to let go of the negative energy of fear and regret.

I and Kim exited the room arm in arm, the heart-to-heart we've shared unspoken of as we both set to business, Resuming to our normal lives.

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