~We are healed of a suffering only by experiencing it to the full. No pain that we suffer, no trial that we experience is wasted~

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Yasmeen

There are two tragedies in life. One is to lose your heart's desire, The other is to gain it.

I realized that, The worse feeling in the world is knowing that you've gotten what you wanted and realizing that it is toxic, It's not good for you, and you are not happy

The feelings that hurt most, the emotions that sting most, are those that are real. The longing for impossible things, precisely because you thought they were possible. Nostalgia for what was, the desire for what could have been, regret over making the wrong choices, dissatisfaction with the life you are living. All these half-tones of the soul's consciousness create in us a painful landscape, an eternal sunset of what we are

But living with regrets is like driving a car that only moves in reverse. To regret one's own experiences is to arrest one's own development.

So I decided not to waste my time in regretting something I cannot change. For If I'm going to have hope, I'm going to have to learn to endure disappointment.

After breakfast, I did my chores, took a shower, made lunch, and got ready to spend the rest of the day at Ummy's just as Ahmad has instructed me. I was about to step out of the house when he stopped me

"Where are you going to" he asked

"To Ummy's house" I answered

"Is that why you are wearing a big veil and covering everywhere? It's not nice. See how you're wearing the veil like you're going to war, loosen up" he said, with creased eyebrows

"Ummy is western oriented, she wouldn't mind even if you go to her house without covering your hair" he told me

"Are you sure? because most in-laws mind" I said

"Yes, Ummy is different. My sisters and herself cover their hair only when they feel like it. Change that veil to a smaller one" He said

I did as I was told and headed to Ummy's with Ahmad trailing behind me, but when I entered the house, I couldn't find her at her usual sitting place. So I went to her room

I walked into the room just in time to see her choking from the flames she is suffocating himself with

So much for western oriented I thought. For as far as I know, There are no native doctors In the western culture. But here we are, with Ummy burning some dried weeds in an incense burner and suffocating himself with it.

She got the mixture of weeds from a native doctor/ritualist from somewhere very far. It is of great value to her because she believes it's protection against witchcraft, evil eye, misfortune and bad luck. She also believes that it brings good luck and good fortune. What a belief

After finishing her session, she passed the incense burner to habiba and the mixture of weeds wrapped in a small ragged nylon so that she could also perform the ritual and pass it to the next person.

She took a few minutes to calm herself down, and then she began.

"My friends daughter "safina" left her husband's house yesterday, she has finally put an end to her suffering. Her husband hits her, but she couldn't find the courage to leave until now" Ummy said

"Our cousin is also divorced, because her husband felt she was not being obedient enough to his children and sisters. Though she has also endured a lot, her husband takes his sisters and mother to lunch but he never takes her. I think he was not being fair to her" Habiba told us

"Unfortunately, some women are like witches. They are so obsessed with marriage that even if their husband is cutting off their flesh, they will never leave, they will never seek for a divorce" Habiba said, And her acid tone gave her anger away.

Ahmad just sat back and stared at her, almost interested in what was happening, trying to find the ability to believe in what they were saying, so he could believe the lie within him

"That's why I am proud of my lineage. We come from a family that don't take nonesence, they just seek for divorce, they leave their matrimonial houses if they feel the need to" Ahmad said proudly

"I think some women really need to realize that marriage is not by force, leave if you're not happy" habiba said bitterly, looking straight into my eyes as if she's mad at me for not leaving Ahmad.

At this point, Ummy had to kick habiba's leg discretely because she was loosing it, her anger was getting out of hand. She looked as if I'm blocking her chance of progress in life

Later that night, Ahmad sent me a short video captioned "I Got Flowers"

The video is about a woman who is facing domestic violence. She is being emotionally, physically, psychologically and mentally abused by her husband

He beats her black and blue, then later on apologizes and gives her flowers, She always forgives him and move on. She nurses some bruises, or a dislocation, or a broken arm each time he hits her. Until one day, when he beat her to death. That day, she didn't get flowers because she was dead

At the end of the video, it was stated boldly "SAY NO TO DOMESTIC VIOLENCE, LEAVE BEFORE I'TS TOO LATE"

I could hardly swallow when I finished watching the video, I was scared out of my wits. Beneath the caged flutter of hope, fear blooms in the pits of my stomach and it burns its fever across the spoke of my body

Is it yet my turn to get flowers? I wondered.

I was in denial, Denial can be the most useful, temporary shield. Unfortunately, such flimsy armor will not last a lifetime. I deleted the video

Habiba's words and his actions, combined with that video said a lot. I was sure he was planning to do something horrible to me.

Is he planning to end me? I asked myself

The panic kept growing, exploding in my chest. And fear cuts deeper than swords. I was troubled, I kept watching my back

When Ahmad came home, I could feel him glaring at me with a psychotic look in his eyes, taking pleasure in my suffering, using it to fuel his next move.

After gathering enough courage, I decided to ask him why he sent me the video

"I wanted you to watch it, It is against domestic violence. It is for stupid women that don't seek help when necessary, it is also meant to inspire weak women to stand up for themselves and say no to domestic violence and abuse, to encourage them leave an abusive marriage before it's too late" He responded quickly, as if waiting for me to ask

All too often, people believe it is a sign of commitment, an expression of love, to endure unkindness or cruelty, to forgive and forget. In actuality, when we love rightly we know that the healthy, loving response to cruelty and abuse is putting ourselves out of harm's way. So, I decided to seek help

I asked him to let me go home and see my parents. It's been a while since the last time I saw them, and he agreed.

I slept with one eye open, wondering If Ahmad is discreetly planning my murder. I thought of a thousand ways he could kill me and make it look like an accident or a suicide.

I even took the two knives I was warned never to touch before going to bed, just to make sure they are not being used to take the miserable life out of me. For I was not ready to meet my maker

He has been keeping them in his bedside drawer ever since we got married. He told me that the two knives have been wed, one is a woman and the other a man. And that they are not to be separated, and they should always remain in his bed side drawer. But I separated them today

Sometimes It is not death that scare us most, it's suffering. And the fear of suffering is worse than the suffering itself.

I woke up as early as 5am, got ready and headed home.

I told my father about half of the problems I have been facing ever since I left home. He was not happy at all, he felt the betrayal and the breach of trust.

He summoned Ahmad and his waliy, they heard both sides of the story and judged us accordingly. Not forgetting to state the obvious to Ahmad

"Whenever you feel you're tired, you don't have to abuse her in whichever way. You're free to just let her go, you have a choice, say Talaq to her. " My father said, and with that, we were dismissed

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