~True acceptance doesn't require you to fit in or change who you are. It doesn't have to be sought, it's given to you~

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Yasmeen

I was having a beautiful dream when my alarm went off. I was happy in the dream, but when I woke up it was with a feeling that I was falling apart, that I was cracking up from the inside and slowly falling to pieces. My heart was jumping and grating like a cold engine that doesn't want to start.

Over the months, I and Ahmad have been irresistibly drifting in different directions, and there's no altering that. His love for me is colder by the hour, and mine for him more dead with every breath

My experience about marriage while growing up was that it is a beautiful thing, it is not heavy, it's not a burden, It is weightless and it's light as air. But Ahmad has managed to show me that my marriage is quite the opposite. And just thinking about it ruined my whole mood

I pushed the thoughts away, had a shower and headed out

The air was already drunk with humidity when I stepped out of the house, It felt like the day is not moving, not in the way that I wanted it to. I guess some days simply lay on you like stones.

I carried on with my day. My pain, I wear it so beautifully. Always smiling, always positive, always happy to help at the office and everywhere I go. It's like a garment perfectly tailored to fit the way I carry it, with a touch of grace and the quietness of that sad smile on my face. All so I would never know how heavy it really is, so nobody would find out what I have been going through since Ahmad came into my life.

I was in the middle of my day when Ahmad gave me a call, I took a deep breath before hitting the answer button because I was a bit scared to find out the reason behind the call. I just pray that luck is on my side today, I hope I can scale through whatever he might be planning against me

"Do you want to go see my cousin at the hospital, she just gave birth" he said as soon as I picked up

"Yes, I'm so happy for her. What is it, a girl or a boy?" I asked

"Boy, that's not why I called though. We are going to the hospital to check up on her right now, I have picked up my mother and the rest of the family, I can pick you up if you want. Unless if you're busy with work" he told me

"Oh, I would love to go with you. When exactly are you going to be here? I need to ask my boss for permission" I said

"In like thirty minutes. But hey, There is no big deal if you can't make it, you can go another time" he said

"No, I can make it, I'll be ready before you come" I told him

"Alright" he said, reluctantly before hanging up

I waited for Ahmad for an hour, I gave him a call when I got tired of waiting

"I'm still waiting for you to pick me up, or have you had a change of plans?" I asked

"I forgot to tell you I can't make it to your office. Just finish up your work, you sounded really busy when I called. I will take you some other time. Besides my car is full, there is no room for more" he said, before ending the call

I knew he wouldn't come, I have gotten used to his never ending lies.

I am always seeking for the tiniest truth in Ahmad's never ending lies, and time appears to be most wasted when someone seeks truth in lies. At some point, I even doubted the whole story of his cousin giving birth. But I later found out from a friend who happens to be related to Ahmad's cousin that it was true.

I realized Ahmad had plans with his family, He just needed something to tell his cousin if she asks after me. He told her that I couldn't make it because I said I was busy at work when she asked. I couldn't care less

The truly scary thing about Ahmad's lies is that they diminish him, Erode his strength, his self-esteem, his very foundation.

On reaching home after work, I saw Ahmad at the balcony, busy fantasizing, Staring at every woman that passes by. Then our neighbor suddenly came out of her house and all his attention went back to her

I wasn't surprised because I figured out that they have become accustomed to or maybe attracted to each other, they talk and chat on the phone. She once brought him food and in return he gave her some juice.

The mere sight of him looking at her made me want to vomit, I wanted to vomit my soul out.

He stood there looking at her for a moment, He looked at her with desire, Like he had been looking for her on every street, in every crowd, and with the same rapt attention one looks at a flower or the sky

In that instant, I didn't feel like a woman. I felt like an unwanted potato in a packet, left to half-freeze to close to the back of the fridge. I kinda felt like the first slice of bread in the bag no one wanted, because I don't even remember the last time Ahmad looked at me the way he is looking at our neighbor right now

My heart felt withered, a neglected fruit that would never again sweeten, with my love for Ahmad more dead.

From the way that people have always talked about your heart being broken, it sort of seemed to be a one-time thing. Mine seemed to break all the time.

For the hundredth time if not more, my heart sank into the pit of my stomach and broke once again into a million little pieces, and there is that familiar ache I have become used to

I was angry, but that anger felt like a weapon at my disposal, and it is something I would keep hidden within myself, maybe in place of the knot of pain and emptiness I had been carrying under my breastbone, a security blanket, an ace up my sleeve. I might never use it, but I would always feel its presence like a swelling secret stone, and that way when I finally let go of Ahmad, I would not feel nearly as empty, I will not look back

I wanted desperately to weep, My throat tightens and my head aches. Everything hurts inside. But I have no way of releasing it, I decided not to

I stood awkwardly for an endless moment, feeling like a total and obvious outsider, even though this is the house where I lived and Ahmad is my husband. It felt like I don't belong here anymore and I don't belong to him. It felt like I probably never would, for his eyes are always somewhere else

"Hello" I managed to say

"Hi" he said, not sparing me a glance

"What happened to your chest?" I asked, when I saw a nail scratch on his bare chest. He snapped out of the spell and quickly turned to look at me, then at his chest

"Itttt.......am...... it's the ...... theee...ammm...." he stammered and staggered

"The light bulb, yeah the light bulb" he finally said, as if unsure of himself

"Light bulb? How?" I asked, acting surprised. Even though I expected a reaction like that and a lie to accompany it. It's better than having to watch him look at another woman like that.

"Yeah, it's ahhhh........iiiit.....it, it fell and broke, and gave me this scratch" he finally said with relief

I looked at him suspiciously, and he lost his temper

"Why are you doing this? Why all the questions? Why can't you let me live in peace in my own house?" He shouted, making his way out of the house. I stood there, with my mouth agape, wondering what I have said that has made him so furious

⁠I realized that home is where I feel like my heart belong and right now it doesn't belong here. Ahmad just made me feel completely detached, like a metaphysically displaced person.

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