~Only in the agony of parting do we look into the depths of love~

*****************************

Yasmeen

When I look back at moments of the past months, I only see agony and despair. But when I look up to the open sky, I see hope and strength with no compare.

The only thing that is holding me back is that stupid piece of paper. The divorce paper Ahmad has refused to give me

Heartbreak is a loss. Divorce is just a piece of paper, And I desperately need that piece of paper. But what comes, when it comes, will be what it is.

Without the divorce, I feel like an ocean, confined in a coffee mug. And I have the galaxies, confined in my pretty eyes.

When I was with Ahmad, I had never been filled with love like a calm brimming vessel. I had rather suffered it, as a tree might suffer a cold wind, and the image of a coldness and pain somehow mingle with my memories of marital love.

I was buried in my thoughts when I heard my phone ringing, I quickly answered it even though it was an unknown caller.

"Hello" I said

"Please, I beg of you don't hang up. Please for the love of God, give me just five minutes of your time. I really need to talk to you" the caller pleaded

I froze when I heard Ahmad's voice. But this time, his voice wasn't angry, it's hollow which is worse. Whatever it was he is worried about, is eating away at him from the inside.

"No, not again" I said

"Please, don't hang up" He howled in agony, in a pain that would never cease as long as he lived. His tortured voice echoed through the phone

Ashamed is just grateful waiting to happen. You only taste your dignity right before you puke it up.

Shame corrodes the very part of him that believes he is capable, that he has done the right thing letting me go

He wrestled through many sleepless nights after I left, I can only describe this period of his life as a period of mental agony.

He entered this period of agony, when his heart was hungry and the only one who could feed it never will. For she is gone for good

It was unlike anything he had ever experienced. The pain of loosing me seemed to stab at him from the inside out, His organs felt like they were shutting down. Everything hurt and there was nothing he could do, but suck it up and desperately look for a way to lure me back to him

I almost don't feel sorry for him, for he is the sum of his misfortunes, a hollowed-out egg shell.

Now that I know my worth, his fragile masculinity is too vulnerable for my fabulousness, Determined spirit and strong will

"I can't right now, I'm busy" I said

"Then I'll call back later, please pick up. All I need is just five minutes please" he begged, With a suffocating pain hidden in his voice.

"Okey" I said, before ending the call. But I didn't pick up when he called back several times

He made a bridge which divides him with me by his own assumptions, chaotic thoughts and his family's emotional blackmail. As distance always doesn't ensure solutions, contrary to their belief

Apart from his inauthenticity and poor judgement, One of the most obvious things about him is his lack of foresight. I knew he never saw me actually leaving him after sending me away, he never thought about the consequences of his action, it's severity or where it may lead to. He thought there is no limit to what my heart can possibly take

Ahmad had always had a problem accepting himself. From as far back as I could remember, he had the sense that he wasn't enough. His family who all had their own insecurities, had encouraged that idea.

There's a drive in his soul like that of a lost soul, one that is searching for acceptance, companionship, belonging, whatever he wants to call it from other people

He has always tried to make a home for himself, but he has not felt at home in himself. He wanted to be the hero of his own life and that of his mother's. But every time he checked the register of displaced persons, He was still on it. He didn't know how to belong.

He is but an outcast from the only world in which he had ever belonged, His mother's world. The only thing he could offer in exchange for his so called family's love and tolerance is his money

But habiba his younger sister, even as the least favorite of them all who has once attempted to take her own life because she felt worthless and unloved by her mother, was clever enough to fight for what she wanted

She managed to create a place for herself in her mother's heart using her talent, Thats her evil plots. Her hatred towards me is what is binding them together

What baffles me is how Ahmad never fails to do his family's bidding despite the fact that they are just using him to satisfy their own selfish interests and they never are genuinely happy for him for his personal achievements, they envied him. The only thing they see is what they could get out of him

Plus they wanted all the things that I had, including Ahmad back in their lives taking care of their daily expenses, and the only way they thought it possible is with me out of the picture

His mother ummy strongly believes that I am an obstacle, preventing her from enjoying her son's wealth. That I am the one standing between her and the luxurious life that she craves

His happiness didn't matter, all she ever wanted was to be well taken care of with his money.

She was so demanding that the sound of her voice over the phone can cause instant nausea in her sons and daughters

She is a shell of what she once was, she is broken and so are her offsprings.

She is A vogue hero for her misguided children

Ummy has spent years brainwashing her weak minded children to believing that she is the only one that could make them whole and successful. She made them believe that the only way to live is to be forever indebted to her for being their mother

She is really good at pretending. She became so good that after a while the lines blurred between her truth and fiction. And sometimes, when she did a really good job of pretending, she even fooled herself

She began conveying Ahmad's private life through a filtered lens to her friends and relatives, in person or via phone. She was the 'dutiful mother' and painted Ahmad's portrait as a hardship because of me. And also, to cover up their in capabilities and cruelty

She wanted what she wanted and she got it either ways and now Ahmad is left half broken and in pursuit of what he once had, chasing the life he used to live. He was in it alone, left to suffer alone for their mistakes

He made me realize that a person is only wise if he listens to millions of advice and doesn't implement any of it.

I pushed the thought away and carried on with my day, for one thing is certain. Time stops for no one, no matter how unsure we are of the future.

All I know is that my mind is already made up, Nothing is going to change it. I pray day and night for Ahmad to give me the divorce

My brother decided to contact Ahmad's waliy and discuss our situation since nothing fruitful came out of our previous meeting and Ahmad is not cooperating

*******************************
Thanks For Reading 🙏✌🏼👍🏼
Love You All ❤️😘
Don't Forget To Vote, Share & Comment 🌹