Illusion
(n.) an instance of a wrong or misinterpreted perception of a sensory experience

Sleep did not find her tonight.

Memories were packed in her mind and sleep became impossible. Glancing into the nothingness, it was as if she was floating in the ocean of memories. Waves crashed through her and new realizations rushed into her head, waking her up from the inside.

Her grief felt like a ball in a box, with a pain bottom on one side. When the shocking news first made its appearance and stabbed bluntly into her heart, the box appeared. The ball rattled around on its own and hit the button over and over again. She tried to stop it from hurting, but it was impossible. She lost control of it as she could only feel the pain that crushed her life, that made her bleed and lose her former self.

She thought time could wash away the pain, and she was right. The ball became smaller and smaller, however, it never disappeared completely. When it hurt the pain button, pain washed over her again. The familiar pain that reminded her of everything that she had been through.

What Doeheart had said this day pulled the trigger. The ball grew again and she could feel the ache once again. Except for this time, she felt numb. She embraced the feeling that was and would always be part of her.

She could feel herself struggling. Her former self who knew what happiness truly tasted like. Yes, she was indeed happy around Sparrowpaw. She could feel the happiness that brightened up her day, but what came with happiness was the fear of losing it.

Happiness never stayed long. It passed before she could grip it tightly with her paw. It passed before she could even taste what it truly felt like. The carefree life that was so hard for her to have. It truly felt like a promised gift that was never given to her.

Happiness felt like a rainbow before the thunderstorm. It felt like drinking honey before swallowing poison that would burn her throat. She would never know what would come up next after fate gave her a little treat of happiness, giving her the tiniest bit of hope then stomping extra hard on her heart.

She had no idea how she would possibly survive if her heart wasn't already broken into pieces.

She knew that she was running away from the memories that were troubling her. She used to hide them in a box and pretend not to know about their existences. However, she was tired of running away from everything.

She wanted to be the hero of a story. She knew she was far from being one and her chance was already ruined, but heroes never ran away from their problems. And she should not as well. She wanted to fight against everything that went against her way, instead of hiding once again.

She knew that she was never given the happiness that she was promised to be given from her namesake. Happiness never belonged to her and good things never happened to heroes, just like her.

But was she the hero? Or was she the villain?

She did not have the answer.

Walking out of the warriors den that she had moved into since Sparrowpaw became an apprentice, she sat in the clearing and glanced up at the faint sight of the stars. The stars were winking at her mischievously, as if they had all the answers to her questions.

However, they were not willing to share, leaving her clueless. Digging her claws into the dirt under the silent night sky, she was fighting the urge not to strike at the stars in frustration.

"Citrinemoon?"

She turned as she heard her name being called by Lapwingstar, who peeked out of his own den with a worried expression. Seeing her silhouette in the dark, he sighed gently and paddled towards where she was sitting.

Settling down next to her, he kept his distance from her yet showing that he was here for her at the same time. Not breaking the peaceful silence that surrounded them, he took a deep breath and stayed.

Citrinemoon felt safe with the presence of Lapwingstar. She could feel the panic leaving her and her heart beating calmly against her chest. Casting a glance towards Lapwingstar, she was ready to be peppered with questions, but they never came.

She looked into Lapwingstar with a puzzled expression and he let out a small chuckle. After a while, he mewed with a small and genuine smile, "Well... If you want to talk about anything."

The fawn she-cat shook her head gently, but words already spilled out of her mouth, "Am I a good cat?"

She could see that the tom was slightly taken aback by the question as he did not expect any responses. Then, he sank into a deep thought as he stared into the space in front of him aimlessly.

The deputy answered the question herself, "... I feel like I am a horrible cat... Most days, I am so confused. I don't even know who I am or what I am trying to achieve... I only want the best for the clans but I think I manage to make everything worse before aiming for the better."

She could feel a fluffy tail being wrapped around her shoulders as she tried to take in the warmth provided by Lapwingstar. Meeting his glance, she saw him giving her a grin, "Well, I can see that you are trying so hard. Also, I have not regretted anything in my life except once and I can assure you that I have picked the best deputy. I am proud."

As if she was fed a spoonful of sweet honey, she could feel a warm burst of energy channeling through her body, a wide smile lighting up her face in the dark. The pleasure that she had felt from this sentence was almost indescribable... It was too wonderful to be put into words.

"Thank you." She buried her head into his tail and whispered. She loved how the soft texture felt against her skin as curiosity got the best of her, "By the way... what is that one regret in your life...?"

It took so long for Lapwingstar to respond that Citrinemoon straightened herself and stared at the leader in confusion. His glance was clearly unfocused and he appeared to be buried deep in his deep thoughts.

"Lapwingstar?" She called, breaking the silence that was slowly getting on her edge.

The tom gave himself a small shake as his grin returned, although it appeared to be a bit forced as he focused on her with an emotion in his eyes that the she-cat failed to describe.

She twitched her tail nervously as she stuttered, clearly feeling a bit uncomfortable by his gaze, "I am going for a walk. Will be back soon."

The sentence was swallowed by the silence as she slipped into the darkness. The sight of the familiar forest under the night sky was a scenery that she seldom saw. As if everything was covered with a thick layer of mist, the forest path in front of her was unclear like how her future remained unknown.

Feeling the earth kissing her paws gently, panic left her and peace surrounded her. Her heartbeats added the background music as she continued her journey through the night. Stepping on the faint light that slid from the leaves and landed on the ground soundlessly, the sound of breathing added another layer to the sound track.

She walked aimlessly in the forest and lost track of time. Yet for once, she felt like she belonged. It was the place that she was meant to be. A place where she could enjoy the silence that she always desired and a place where she could leave all her burden behind.

Her paradise.

She did not stop until her paws gave out and she desperately needed a rest. After finding a great spot under a stable oak tree, sleepiness found her and she immediately drifted off into a dreamless sleep.

-

It was like the old times.

Pecanlight was by her side. He was looking into her eyes with the familiar spark of emotion that was only reserved for her. The feeling of his tail around her managed to hold her together. Only him could possibly make her feel special, like a vulnerable but beautiful piece of china.

There were so many things that she wanted to tell. She wanted to tell him how much he meant to her. She wanted to tell him how much she loved him and wanted to stay by him forever. Without him, she felt incomplete, like a beautiful puzzle missing a piece.

Nothing was said. The emotions that were shown in her eyes told them all.

"It is going to be okay," All of a sudden, he reassured quietly, "Whatever you are trying to do, I know that one day, you can finally achieve what you have been fighting for."

"Can I?" She whispered, not wanting to know the answer. She kept trying to escape from the truth, but deep down, she always knew that she had been a failure. She was not sure about her worthiness anymore.

"You said the words in the wrong order, Citrine," A smile played on his lips as he smoothed her fur gently with the brush of the tail, "It was supposed to be 'I can'. Say it with me."

The gentle gesture made her heart throb in her chest. She stared into her mate's eyes longingly, wanting to memorize every single detail that happened during this time.

"I can," she whispered softly, still unsure. The dark brown pelted tom's eyes scanned through her features, making her skin burn and her heart beating against her chest loudly. The smile on his face disappeared as his eyes narrowed slightly at her words. She tilted her head slightly, wondering what she had possibly done wrong to make the charming smile of his vanish all of a sudden.

She could see the concern in the depths of his shimmering hazel eyes as he sighed quietly, seeming to be buried in his thoughts. After a while, his smile returned and a clear idea seemed to appear in his head.

"If you don't believe in yourself, I am going to make you." He grinned mischievously, clearly satisfied with his own idea. That little brat.

He moved away and it made Citrinemoon's heart drop because of how his tail was no longer wrapped around her. He winked as he challenged, "Race me to the hill. Let's see who is faster."

Citrinemoon had no doubt that Pecanlight, as the fastest runner in ShadowClan, would be slower than her. However, seeing how excited the tom was about the idea, she nodded eagerly and the competitive side within her decided to take over.

Not waiting for the yell to indicate that the race had started, she immediately ran towards the hill in the fastest speed possible. She could hear the laugh of Pecanlight as he called her a little cheater and the sound of pawsteps in the area.

She expected Pecanlight to overtake her in the middle of the run, but that never happened. Turning around, she could see the dark brown furred tom jogging at a slower speed than usual, but she wanted to win too much to care.

With a shortage of breath, she reached the hill top and felt, for once, proud of herself. She was now officially the fastest runner in ShadowClan. She had challenged the limit and she had done it.

Pecanlight reached the hill after a moment as he beamed. Out of breath, he purred, "See? You did it!"

The she-cat returned the grin. She watched silently as the tom leaped from a rock to another, clearly being delighted for her success. However, when he tried to leap from the final rock to the ground, he accidentally tripped and ended up landing on Citrinemoon.

The fawn she-cat let out a small gasp as she lay on the ground with Pecanlight on her. She immediately felt the burst of electricity that went through her body, making her feel as if she was on fire.

"Oops," Pecanlight mewed softly as they both laughed afterwards uncontrollably. When the dark brown tom was about to pull away, she couldn't help but wrap her tail around him, pausing his movement.

A small smile danced on his lips as he lay down on top of the deputy, adjusting his gesture and carefully not to make her uncomfortable with his weight. Feeling Pecanlight's soft fur against hers as he eventually settled down, she felt her heart melting by the sweetness that surrounded them. She enjoyed this moment. It felt right. It felt perfect.

She had no clue how much they had been there together, bathing in the silence around them. The sudden shake interrupted the precious moment that they were sharing together as Citrinemoon flinched in surprise. She watched silently as the sight of Pecanlight dissolved into million pieces and vanished out of her sight.

She was alone again.

She could feel everything around her shaking violently. As if she was thrown across the area and back, the vision in her head swam so badly that she could not figure out what was happening.

Fighting her way against the shake, she tried to open her eyes. She could feel something was urging her not to do so, urging her to obey, to be swallowed by the sleepiness that was buried inside her.

Everything seemed to be so near, yet so far.

She lost sight of where she was and why she was here, but her mind spoke near and loudly. She must leave before getting lost forever.

She felt like being sewed in a confined space. There was an invisible claw digging into her throat. She could clearly hear her heart beating weakly in the space, hearing her own life ticking by. She could feel the dull ache that settled on her chest, the familiar numbness that belonged to her.

Breathing became hard as the grip on her throat tightened. Everything was drowned in silence once again. She could hear her breath become shallower and shallower, until it could barely be heard. Still, she knew the existence of it as she lay flat on the space, feeling nothing else but emptiness which pooled inside her stomach.

Fighting off the urge to sink into the dark void of nothingness, she took deep breaths, feeling the air filling her lungs once again. She could feel her chest rising and falling, the sound of breathing calmed her down.

She remembered what Pecanlight had said. She could do anything and she proved that from her actions. From how she could possibly win a race against the best runner in ShadowClan. She was unstoppable.

The shake continued, yet this time, she was filled with renewed strength. Taking deep breaths, she concentrated on the thought of opening her eyes. Something told her that she needed to escape from the space. She needed to be awakened and the first thing she needed was opening her eyes.

She could hear Pecanlight's voice echoing in her ears, telling her how she could do anything and how he valued her more than everything in the world.

Pecanlight left her physically, yes, but he was still a part of her. He would always be with her.

Opening her eyes finally, she found out that the shaking had stopped. Everything remained peaceful as she lay on the ground, watching silently as the sunlight soaked through the leaves and dripped on her fawn pelt.

Things went wrong.

She narrowed her eyes, listening to the small voice in her head. She was confused.

It wasn't supposed to be like this.

She took a glance at the surroundings, taking in the beautiful view. She tilted her head slightly, wanting the voice to continue.

At camp. Camp.

She flinched at the words as things started to piece together in her head. Doeheart's confrontation. Lapwing's heart-to-heart. The late night walk. The peaceful sleep under the tree. The reunion with Pecanlight in her dreams.... The sha-

The shake.

Like a pebble, the two words left a ripple in her head. It suddenly clicked as Citrinemoon jumped up from her spot and ran towards the camp immediately.

She hoped she was overthinking. She hoped it was just a small prank. Even though she might not get along well with her clanmates, she never wanted to lose them, let alone the fact that she was the one to blame for the bad relationships.

The trees flew in front of her eyes so quickly that she could not see clearly. Cold air bit into her lungs as she gasped for more. Gut-wrenching, heart pumping, after several thrusts forward, her pawsteps became heavier but she never stopped.

She could do this.

She was actually a bit surprised by her speed as her paws flew over stones and leaves, however, her mind was racing faster than her speed. Million and billion possibilities rushed through her mind, messing up her head.

The deputy shoved them aside firmly. It was not the time to dwell on this. Definitely not.

The camp slowly slipped into the view. However, it was... different... from what she was used to seeing. It looked... unreal.

Her jaw dropped as she glanced at the ruined camp in dismay. The rocks that were piled up and acted as walls collapsed. They destroyed the camp and worsened the entire situation.

Stepping over the sticks and stones that were used to build the camp, she ignored the panic calls that echoed in her head. She had no idea how she could keep her usual coolness as this piece of news was a huge blow to her. She felt like she was driven crazy and at the edge of snapping.

All the happiness left her once again. She did not want to face what was awaiting her. She kept the small flame of hope inside her heart, knowing that Sparrowpaw and the others had escaped in time from the disaster.

The prophecy. The disaster that would destroy the clan completely. No offspring.

Was it hinting at this earthquake? Was this really the end for everything?

Navigating through the small pathways created by materials that were scattered on the ground, she sharpened her senses, looking for survivors in this seemingly deserted place. There would be someone out there. Sparrowpaw would be alive. He must be.

Then, she saw something... shimmering under the bright sun...

Paddling closer with caution, she saw the red that gave the ground a new colour. She closed her distance slowly and all of a sudden, stopped dead in her path.

It was Sparrowpaw. A huge trunk was on top of his lifeless body. Red puddles and streams were formed on his dirty fur and his eyes were closed, as if he drifted into a peaceful sleep.

Burying her head silently into his fur, she was at a loss of words. She wanted to grip on him tightly before the warmth inside him faded away. She wanted to grip on him tightly before the moments of them slipped away. She wanted to grip on him tightly before the harsh reality crashed down and she had to let go.

But she had not gripped tight enough for him not to be taken away by death. Blown away by the wind and faded in memories. Adding another to the list of cats who perished.

It might seem like another number for cats after her generation, but no one, no one would feel the deep sorrow that came pouring out of the reopened wounds of hers.

The small thing that held her within snapped. Death gave no mercy. It had chosen to stomp on her once more and she was not sure whether she could stand up and fight ever again.

She was tired.

The small drip of blood slided from the grass nearby silently into the soil...