Rancor
(n.) bitterness or resentfulness, especially when long standing

Reluctantly, Sparrowpaw glanced into his mother's eyes and was terrified to see the flames burning in the depth. Twitching his tail nervously, he tried to be prepared for the lecture that he was about to receive.

The space was dimly lit inside the medicine den. Usually, he would be training outside the camp, trying to learn a new skill or two from his mentor. However, he was currently stuck in the medicine cat den, not giving the permission to wander off.

Parsleyshade, the medicine cat, brought in some herbs and continued working on treating the cats. She offered to help with Citrinemoon's wounds, though her help was sharply refused by the stubborn deputy. No cat knew the true reason why Citrinemoon had such a strange habit and not a cat had the gut to ask, considering how explosive her temper was.

Still, she was his mother. Although some of her actions were questionable, Sparrowpaw wholeheartedly believed in his mother's decisions because there would always be a reason behind them, even though they didn't know.

Sparrowpaw watched silently as his mother left the den and returned with some herbs that could not be recognised by him. She hastily applied them and positioned herself near Sparrowpaw, as if she was his personal bodyguard.

"Did I get you in trouble, Sparrowpaw?" A small shadow could be seen near Sparrowpaw as the voice spoke. Hearing the she-kit's soft and squeaky voice, a small smile crawled on the apprentice's face.

"It is fine, Mistlekit. I am glad to help." The small tom turned his head and winked cheerfully, trying to reassure the she-kit. He could feel his mother's burning glance on his back as he swallowed nervously. He was still trying to get used to his mother's sternness which surfaced all the time. He loved his mother without a doubt, however, he still wished that she could be... easier to get along?

"I am sor-" The black she-kit's sentence was cut off mid-way by Citrinemoon's furious glance. She immediately backed away from the two cats and hid herself in the shadows at the corner of the medicine cat den.

Tension filled the area. Sparrowpaw avoided his mother's glance and suddenly found the earth below him very fascinating. Nothing could calm his racing heart as he kept his eyes on the ground, waiting for the deputy to speak.

"Sparrowpaw, I am disappointed with you. Your action in confronting the badger today yourself was very foolish indeed." She mewed silently, her eyes narrowed slightly.

The disappointment in her tone hit Sparrowpaw right in his heart. His mother was always the cat who he admired and hearing this sentence certainly did not make him feel well. At this moment, he would rather the deputy shouting at him in anger than saying this.

The sentence was swallowed by the silence around them. Sparrowpaw nodded slightly, looking away from his mother.

"Do not do that ever again," she sighed, her voice shaking slightly, "I nearly lost you."

Hearing that, the smaller tom looked up and spotted Citrinemoon glancing into the space in front of her, appearing unfocused.

When he discovered Mistlekit in the cave with the badger, his first instinct was to confront the badger, saving her. But he never considered how his mother would possibly feel, after losing both her family and her mate. Citrinemoon loved him too much that losing him would have killed her mentally.

How had he never thought about that?

"I am sorry, mother," he apologized with sincerity, "I was only trying to recuse Mistlekit from the badger."

At the mention of Mistlekit's name, an alarmed look replaced the sadness on her face. She scowled and gave the brown tom a stern look.

"What?" She asked as if he was saying complete nonsense.

He automatically repeated his sentence again. As if a trigger was pulled, she flinched at the sentence and anger was shown on her features.

She hissed immediately, "I thought I told you to stay away from Mistlekit and Doeheart! Why didn't you listen to what I said and continue doing that? You can potentially endanger yourself!"

Curiosity drove him to ask further questions on the matter. He did not understand why Citrinemoon was treating the two as enemies. He was definitely willing to learn about the truth but for now, it was hard to guess.

Throwing Sparrowpaw an unreadable look, Citrinemoon left the den without a word as if she had stumbled upon something extremely unpleasant.

~

"Are you sure that you are alright, Citrinemoon?" Lapwingstar was about to visit Citrinemoon when he saw her leaving the medicine cat den. He asked immediately when he ran into her, worriness laced his tone. The sudden departure of the deputy certainly gave him a heart attack as he stared uncertainly at her.

Citrinemoon nodded without a word, her eyes scanning Lapwingstar, checking his wounds. Cobwebs were applied on his wounds, giving him a weird appearance, but it was certain that he would return to his strong state after a few days.

Lapwingstar was relieved when he saw Citrinemoon's response. He was about to leave and give Citrinemoon some space. He had been reflecting on his behaviors and how hateful it was for him to constantly invade her personal space, while she clearly expressed discomfort.

His feelings had certainly taken control of his actions and he was acting insensitively. Because of her past trauma, it was natural for her to develop trust issues and all he should do was express concern then step away.

"Lapwingstar."

He was startled by Citrinemoon's voice, his name rolling off her tongue smoothly. He turned around, amazed to see how Citrinemoon was looking at him with gratefulness in her eyes.

She swallowed nervously and mewed in a soft voice, "I want to thank you for defending me from the badger and being with me all along."

The leader could not believe what he had just heard. His stomach made a quick flip as he avoided Citrinemoon's bright brown eyes. His tail twitching, he could not find the suitable word to describe his feeling currently.

He had never felt like this before. It was like a mix of embarrassment, awkwardness, delightfulness and something that he failed to point his paw at. The moment felt too magical to him to a state that he started to judge his sanity.

"You are welcome, Citrinemoon." His voice was so soft that he doubted the sentence could be heard.

Citrinemoon offered a small smile as the soft voice reached her ears. Then, she headed towards the freshkill pile for a mouse or two. She had spent her time trying to find the herb to cover up her wounds. Not that she didn't trust Parsleyshade's healing skill, it was just because how she enjoyed the pain. She liked feeling how her coat was cut by something sharp. The sight of blood soaking her fur satisfied her. The pain she felt was the cure to the cuts in her heart. It became one of the only things that kept her connected to reality.

Pain woke her from a deep slumber and made her feel alive.

She could hear pawsteps coming closer to her, but she was too starved to focus on that. Tearing the meat of the mouse, she once again enjoyed the taste of blood in her mouth. The smell reminded her of the taste of blood from her enemies. How she wished to have a chance to take revenge, digging her paws into their fur coats, making them try the taste of their own medicine. She wanted them to feel the pain of losing her friends and families. She had never ever desired something so much that she was preparing for the golden chance. There would be one day when they could finally pay what they had done.

Revenge sounded sweet, didn't it?

The sound of pawsteps paused suddenly and a shadow fell upon her. Leaving her mouse aside, claws unsheathed, she glanced up with narrowed eyes and an alarmed expression.

"We need to talk." Doeheart said firmly.

The deputy dug her own claws into the earth, trying to control herself from attacking the she-cat. Taking a deep breath, she narrowed her eyes and asked with a stern tone, "Since when do you have the privilege to talk to me?"

The identical fawn she-cat took a deep breath, clearly becoming a bit frustrated with the argument. She replied with a lighter tone, "Citrinemoon, I completely understand why you still hate me. It is alright that you are not willing to teach my kit, but I feel like we have to talk about something."

"What?" Citrinemoon asked with an impatient tone as she took another bite from the mouse, her voice muffled. Chewing, she stood up and faced Doeheart squarely, waiting for her reply.

"Our families and our relationship." Doeheart answered firmly, appearing confident. However, Citrinemoon could hear her voice shaking slightly and her tail was twitching slightly.

Hearing the sentence, the deputy rolled her eyes and mewed, "So? Well, I was born in my family and then we never liked each other anyway. I am not interested in having a heart-to-heart with you."

The deputy dipped her head and focused on biting the other mouse in front of her. Doeheart glanced at the clearing. The camp was deserted because the cats were either training battle skills, patrolling or collecting rocks for the wall. Making sure no one would overhear, she whispered, "You know there are more to that."

As if an arrow was shot towards the box that held all the darkest secrets that she never wished to uncover, a crack was formed on the box and the memories started to slowly refill in her mind.

All the memories that she refused to think about.

Not receiving any response from Citrinemoon, Doeheart continued, "I never hate you, and I know how my existence has ruined your life forever. I have taken all the love and attention Beechwing had offered from you. I cannot imagine how it feels to be in your situation. How it must hurt so much to grow on your own without the love of your parents."

Beechwing - a familiar name that Citrinemoon never wanted to hear again. He chose the prefix Citrine for her, wanting her to be a cheerful and bright she-cat for the rest of her life. Yet, he was never able to offer the love that she desired. Not a simple action showing how much he cared for his daughter, his offspring and the precious gift that he was supposed to treasure for the rest of his life.

Her father gave her life, but failed to give her love.

Looking up and glancing at Doeheart, she could see how much the she-cat's appearance resembled her own. Same fawn coloured coat and the only feature that was different was the pair of eyes.

Doeheart's eyes were lit up with a kind of lively bright green. They were refreshing to see, as if the cat seeing her was having an adventure in a lively jungle with different creatures. Happiness was filled in her eyes constantly, and it truly enhanced her overall appearance. She actually looked elegant with her tidily-groomed fur and shimmering big eyes.

Citrinemoon's eyes were filled with a kind of muddy brown. The colour of earth, or rather the colour of dry leaves which fell onto the ground during leaf-fall, waiting for their own deaths. They were forever emotionless, almost looked dead and without any light. She forever wore that scowl on her face and it certainly did not appeal to the others.

The deputy did not respond to what Doeheart had said. She just stared at the she-cat with her soulless brown eyes.

The she-cat continued what she had said, "I heard how Magnoliabird has been killed in a battle and you have been left alone since you were only a kit. You were brought up by all the cats in the clan and you watched them all, one by one, losing their lives in battles. Every time I am reminded of this, I feel like I should not have existed in the first place. I never realized how my existence could bring you so much pain. The memory of being a kit has healed all the pain that I have felt in my life, but you need to spend your entire life healing from the memories of your childhood."

The deputy broke his eye contact and stared at the ground. She could not say a word since her throat turned dry. She could feel the sourness and bitterness that lingered in her heart.

Her memory of her mother was very faint. It almost felt like a gentle breeze blowing but leaving painful burn marks in her heart. She could remember how Magnoliabird's tail was wrapped around her small body when the monsters came and visited her dream. She could remember the faint whispers of her mother comforting her and promising how she would always be there for her daughter, shielding her from everything that dared to come in her way.

Magnoliabird did keep her promise. She shielded ThunderClan's warriors away from the nursery, away from her, at the cost of her own life.

She still remembered how Magnoliabird lay on the ground, her blood soaking the moss that was piled up. She climbed on her back, her mother's long fur calming her racing heartbeat from all the intense fights that happened near her. Soon after, Jasminefall arrived at the scene and spotted her lying on Magnoliabird's back, wanting to grab as much warmth as possible. She felt safe when she stayed near to her mother and she wanted to be there when she woke up. She could see how Magnoliabird was exhausted after all the fighting, in order to protect her. Seeing the then medicine cat, she lifted her head slightly.

"Jasminefall, don't disturb my mother! She is sleeping." She whispered in a low voice, not wanting to wake Magnoliabird.

"Alright, little kit. Can I take a look at her though?" The medicine cat smiled brightly. Now that Citrinemoon thought about it, the smile looked forced, as well she was masking the harsh reality from her with it.

"Promise you won't wake her up? She is so exhausted after all the battles." She whispered again, her warm breath brushing against her mother's pelt which was losing its warmth.

"I will not, I promise." Jasminefall replied with a smile. Citrinekit jumped off her mother's back and watched silently as Jasminefall inspected Magnoliabird's body. The medicine cat's smile disappeared from her face for a brief moment as her tail twitched nervously.

However, when she turned towards Citrinekit, her smile was back as she mewed with joy, "No worries! Your mother is going to wake up soon. She is very tired indeed. You did a great job keeping her safe!"

Except she never woke up.

There was still a faint hope in her head, telling her to never stop believing. There would be one day that she would wake up and love her daughter more than she had already done. There would be one day that she would give her all the love that she could have given in the past few years.

But the logical part of her mind knew the truth. Magnoliabird was sleeping and she would never wake up. She lost her life and was currently in StarClan, enjoying her new life up there.

Her clanmates told Citrinemoon her mother was delighted with her new life. Hearing this piece of news, she was glad for Magnoliabird because her mother deserved every single bit of happiness that she could have never had. At the same time, she missed her mother every day and the memories continued haunting her.

Staring into the empty space, she said nothing. More like she did not know what to say.

Doeheart broke the silence by continuing, "T-the thing is- I not only have to ruin your life by taking away your father's love for you... I still need your mate to protect me and Mistlekit at the cost of his life... I still remember the sweet moments between you two and how he seems to be able to heal your pain. He took away your pain and gave you most of the best memories in your life... The love story of you two is what every she-cat desires... but I have to be the one who takes it all away. I could not even save myself from the badger..."

"Citrinemoon, if you are wondering, I never hate you. I understand why you feel bitter because we share the same father, yet you have never got the love that you deserve. I have got everything that you would have had. I still want to be nice to you even though I may not have the same kindness in return from you. I am willing to be friends and I love you for who you truly are because you are wonderful and you have been misunderstood in your life. I wish I could take your pain away. I know the birth of mine is a mistake. A mistake that has ruined your life. I hate myself for that."

Her throat had tightened and she had to take a deep breath before continuing the sentence, "Citrinemoon, can you please forgive me?"

In front of the deputy's eyes was her half-sister with identical fawn pelt and vivid green eyes that were shimmering with tears. The memories inside Citrinemoon's mind were completing the puzzle in her head. What Doeheart said seemed to reach something that was hidden underneath her cold figure. It awoke part of her that was untouched and buried inside her for endless years.

Citrinemoon nodded, for once and for all.