"I know you... I walked with you... once upon a dream..." the patient on the screen murmured. Even in a state of sweaty delirium, the woman's hair gleamed like it was slightly radioactive. Skin the colour of tepid cream, eyes the blue of an LED status light, and lips so red a man would be forgiven for wondering if she'd just been drinking someone's blood.

"Captain Reynolds, that is my daughter, Aurora," King Stefan, first of his name, newly anointed High King of the World of Albion said as he pointed at the screen. "We named her for the most beautiful lights in the skies we wish to conquer."

"She has fallen ill, with a malady the sages of our world could not cure," Queen Leah, the King's wife and rumoured spymaster explained. "Even our wisest magicians, offered the best incentives, could do nothing for her."

"Some of those failures still scream under the inquisitor's knives," King Stefan added.
"In our desperate hour we put her in cryo sleep to keep her illness from killing her, and to give us time to find a cure. She now sleeps an ageless sleep, waiting to be awoken by Trulav's first KISS."

"True love's first kiss? Are you serious?" Philip asked.

"Diogenes Trulav is the inventor of Cryo Sleep, and his Klendusic Invigorative Stasis Stand-down is how to wake someone from cryo," Queen Leah said.

"Okay. So, am I supposed to go find some cure for your daughter's mystery ailment?" Philip asked.

"Traders from far off worlds have brought us a cure. Their sorcerers call this cure a vaccine."

"Okay," Philip nodded. "I hate to ask, but what did they call this illness?"

"Tetanus. A most dire malady."

"Tetanus?"

"A death curse. Inflicted by a malicious fairy when our dear Aurora pricked her finger on a spinning wheel."

"A what?"

"Aurora pricked her finger an a museum exhibit. We burned it, of course, but that failed to lift the curse."

"So your daughter is in cold stasis right now, waiting for Trulav's KISS and a tetanus vaccine. I'm still confused about why you need me."

"Your ship has faster than light capabilities. To improve Aurora's chances further, we placed her aboard the Maleficent and sent it away."

"The Maleficent?" Philip asked, worried his voice cracked.

"An AI piloted, word subjugating dreadnought," King Stefan answered off-handedly.

"I am definitely going to need access codes to get on that ship safely," Philip said. "You do have friendly ID broadcasts to send to this ship, don't you?"

"We forgot to write them down before we executed the developers," King Stefan said.

"And so, to reach the fair maiden, you will need to pass through the brambles and thorns," Queen Leah began to explain.

"Brambles and thorns?" Philip asked.

"Point Defence Cannons, torpedoes, and rail guns," King Stefan clarified.

"Slip past or defeat Maleficent's MINIONS, especially DIABLO."

"The Mitigation Initializer of Non-authorized In-ship Organic Nemesis Subroutine. DIABLO is the Maleficent's Delegated Interference And Baser Logistics Offload."

"And beware the DRAGON."

"Dragon?" Philip asked.

"Disproportionate Retribution And General Overkill Network."

"All of this sounds extremely difficult. Not to mention dangerous."

"You cannot despair-" King Stefan began, but his wife coughed politely.

"He means this quest will be expensive, my love."

"That's not very chivalrous."

"Doing it for free would make him a prince. And he could claim Aurora upon his success."

"I see. I would be obliged to kill this wastrel in single combat if he laid claim to our daughter's hand."

*****

"Come on, Samson, start!" Philip said as he pulled the lever to engage the ship's engines.
The ship responded with an indignant snort.

"Listen you stubborn mule, I will trade you in for scrap and a coffee maker if you don't get your circuits in gear and prep for launch."

The ship coughed once, and the auxiliary power shut off, leaving Philip in complete darkness.

"Oh come on. Work with me here. I'll get you a carrot."

At that, the ship surged awakened. The interior lights bloomed into life, the on-board computers booted, POSTed, loaded their operating systems and displayed pleasant welcome messages.

"At least you're a cheap date," Philip muttered to himself as he engaged the ship's engines. "Plot is a course for a hard burn, Samson, in any direction. Once we match the Maleficent's expected velocity, we'll portal alongside her."

"Very good, sir!" Samson, said. "So what's your plan, oh questing prince?"

"Is this just because I'm rescuing a princes?"

"Yes. In any fairytale, rescuing a princess makes you a prince," Samson replied.

"Remind me to mention that to the princess as soon as she wakes up. I wouldn't want her throwing herself at me, not with daddy promising to murder me if I claim her booty as bounty."

"I except that if the princess does throw herself at you, sir, she will have a knife in her hand."

"Hey, the ladies love me!"

"I recall your last attempted conquest gave you a concussion. With an oar."

"All I said was 'you're welcome'," Philip rubbed his head.

"And the blonde with the white streaks in her hair? The one with the older sister who tried to freeze you to death?"

"Not my fault! At least I said 'no' when she proposed to me an hour after meeting her."

"The one that hunted you in the forest with a bow and arrow?"

"Man, loved the parties her parents threw."

"And the one before that? With the hair issues?"

"I just told her a pixie cut might be a good look. She didn't have to try and strangle me with the hair she hacked off."

"The one with the frog issues?"

"Possibly my least violent breakup."

"That warrior princess?"

"Possibly my most violent breakup."

"The one who sang about the wind having colours?"

"She did not like visiting off-world."

"The one with the creepy snake advisor?"

"Sending that tiger after me felt kinda personal."

"The one that insisted you lock her in the cargo hold?"

"Only person I've ever filed a restraining order against."

"How about that princess on that mostly water world?"

"Did you see her seashells by the seashore?"

"The scullion maid?"

"Dumped me for a more eligible bachelor. I did get this ship out of it."

"And the really pale one?"

"Way too fond of living with other guys."

"I'm just saying sir, your track record is so appalling I'm not sure if it should be classified as comedy or tragedy. You should probably be wearing body armour when you wake Princess Aurora."

"Well, I'm going to be wearing armour anyway, because once I'm aboard, the first thing the Maleficent will do is vent the air. And I'm going to need a couple things out of the armoury."

"What, sir?"

"The Shield of Virtue, and the Sword of Truth."

"I'll have it pulled up momentarily, sir. And on a more ominous note, we have now matched the Maleficent's expected velocity. We can portal beside the dreadnought at any time."

"That was quick."

"I was flying the whole time. The easiest way to distract you is bring up your calamity of a love life," Samson said. "Shall I portal us alongside the Maleficent now, sir? Or are you still interested in living?"

Philip took a deep breath, and ran his fingertips over the ship's controls. "Life is dull, Samson. But living, that's an experience worth the price of admission. Portal us out."

The view screen shifted to a view of the space they were in, a luminous starry sky now marred by a circle of twisted space. Phillip watched, with his left hand set on the broadcast communicator, as his ship approached the portal.

And plunged through.

Warning sensors in the ship screamed in a cacophonous chorus so multifaceted it sounded like a forest full of birds. "We are being targeted by one thousand one hundred and four different rail gun instillations," Samson said. "Thermonuclear warheads are being primed, PDC's are prepping to create a shrapnel cloud, and I believe the targeting lasers painted on us will melt a hole in the hull in another minute."

Philip hit his communications button.

"Calling the Maleficent, this is the cargo hauler Samson, here with an urgent request to board. I have been sent with a cure for Princess Aurora's malady. Please respond."

The response on the speakers was a woman's voice, with all the smooth and sinister suave you would hope from someone pointing nuclear weapons at you. "Samson, please send appropriate friendly identifiers. You have twelve seconds to comply."

Philip grinned, but his fingers hovered over the portal engine. He turned on the comms again, and asked, "Samson, what's the elvish word for friend?"

"Mellon, sir. But I don't see how-" Samson began to say, before Maleficent cut him off.

"Accepted."

"What?" Samson asked indignantly. "How?"

"Only the purest of hearts can make that joke," Philip said.

"Pretty sure you just disproved that, sir," Samson replied.

"Impossible," the Maleficent said smoothly.

"Appreciating Tolkein's work is the truest test of virtue and valour. Samson, please give appropriate identification to board safely."

"I'm afraid I can't do that, Dave," Philip replied.

"Who's Dave?" Samson asked.

"Seriously?" Philip asked incredulously.

"Kids these days..."

"My my, that does land us in quite the predicament, doesn't it?" Maleficent asked, the malice oozing through the speakers. "Then I will take the Samson into the dungeons. Without proper authorization, you represent a risk to both the princess and myself. Yet my programming will not let me execute a prisoner or steal your belongings. My only recourse is to wait until you have nearly died of a natural death. How old are you, Samson?"

"It's Philip. Captian Philip Reynolds, of the Samson," Philip introduced himself. "And I don't see how my age-"

"Old enough that your age is a source of shame, but only just. I'm afraid you have another seventy-one years before pancreatic cancer gets the better of you," the Maleficent explained. "And Philip, I will view the use of this portal device as an attack on my ship. And I will respond with extreme, excessive and completely unnecessary force."

"So I'm a prisoner aboard my ship until I die of old age?"

"Almost. On the last hours of your life, when you're too old and frail to be a threat to my ship or Aurora's virtue, I will-"

"Wait, you think I'm a threat to her virtue?" Philip interrupted..

"Samson, do you disagree with my assessment?" Maleficent asked in turn.

"Not in the least."

"Traitor," Philip muttered irritably.

"As I was saying, when you are old and frail, I will release you to awaken Aurora."

"By giving her true love's first kiss," Philip said, with a grin.

"The ship is being targeted again, sir," Samson said.

"Klendusic Invigorative Stasis Stand-down. Invented by a guy named Trulav. Sorry, it's not my naming scheme."

"Accepted. Tractor beam link established. I have to say, Philip, speaking to you has been a treat. I do hope you can keep these pop culture references going for another seventy years."

Philip switched the communicator off. "That went well."

"Are you kidding, sir?" Samson asked incredulously. "I'm condemned to be a prison cell for the rest of your natural life! How is this a good thing?"

"All part of the plan," Philip said.
"Your plan sucks, sir."

******

"Alright Samson, bring up the armour we took from that bounty hunter we ran into a while back," Philip said.

"The blonde one everyone keeps thinking is a man?"

"No. The one we took from that guy with the jet pack. What was his name, Boo Boo Feté?"
"Something like that, sir."

"Did you get my sword and shield, Samson?"

"I did sir. Just if you'll do me a favour sir, please don't activate the sword anywhere near me. That malware would rip my software apart about as quickly as Maleficent's railguns. And that is not a metaphor."

Philip began to put on the armour, carefully inspecting each piece plating for damage.

"Samson, cappuccino me."

"Aren't we in danger, sir?" Samson asked.

"You heard the warship. She's threatened to let me die of old age. That's about as intimidating as a loan shark threatening to break his own thumbs," Philip explained as he strapped on the chest plate. "How's that coffee coming, Samson?"

"Ready, sir," the Samson replied, and a small robotic arm extended a warm cappuccino towards Philip. He took it and raised the cup in thanks, before taking a slow sip.

"Sir, at this point I believe the Maleficent can use passive sensors to listen to our conversation," Samson warned.

"That's fine," Philip said, as he belted a blaster to his side. He then installed the Shield of Virtue onto his forearm, and tucked the Sword of Truth into his utility belt. He took one more sip of his cappuccino, then set the helmet over his head.

"Alright Samson, open the bay doors."
The cargo door hissed, and began to descend. "Good luck, sir," Samson said.

Philip stepped down the platform, his right hand hovering over his blaster. He stepped halfway down, to be met by a robot that looked like a seven foot tall robot, armoured entirely in black chrome, with a malfunctioning air filtration fan that sounded eerily similar to a respirator.
Behind the black chrome android were hundreds of shorter, polished white droids, all armed with blasters.

"Ah, expendable minions," Philip said, as he sauntered down the ramp. "Is there any problem they can't solve?"

Over the ship's speakers, Maleficent's voice thundered ominously. "My my, Prince Philip. I can't say this is unexpected."

"Woah woah woah, lady. I'm definitely not a prince."

"You're engaged in a quest to rescue a princess. That makes you a prince. And you have all the physical markings of one," Maleficent said.

"What?" Philip asked incredulously.

"Thick, wavy hair, constantly neat no matter the circumstance."

"True," Philip said.

"Baby smooth skin, chronically unable to grow a beard."

"Hey, that's not," Philip began to rebut, but stalled as he found himself unable to deny it. "No, that's true."

"An animal sidekick cleverer than you."

"My IQ does register fifty points higher than yours, sir," Samson agreed.

"You're still the sidekick Sam," Philip retorted.

"Slim and fit, despite living a life of idle luxury."

"You dressed for battle sipping a cappuccino, sir," Samson agreed.

"Decent singing voice."

"I must concur," Samson agreed. "You do a mean rendition of 'Let it Go' when you're in the shower, sir."

"Reckless disregard for personal safety when a fair maiden is in danger."

"Is 'frequent victim of comedic violence from fair maidens' on this list?" Samson asked.

"It is," Maleficent confirmed.

"Hey, that warrior princess nearly put a sword through my spleen! There is nothing funny about that!" Philip exclaimed indignantly.

"I disagree," Samson said.

"Would you tell me the story after I kill him, Samson?" Maleficent asked.

Philip sighed irritably, drew his blaster, and put six quick shots into the black chrome robot leading the creatures.

"Boring conversation anyway," Philip muttered. He tapped the small computer on his left forearm, and dashed towards a nearby cargo crate.

Before Philip finished his first step, a hundred droids trained a hundred blasters at him, all firing with inhuman speed. A swarm of red streaks surrounded Philip's peripheral vision, slamming into crates, smashing into walls, and pattering impotently against Samson's hull.

And in the time it took Philip to dash the three dozen feet and slide behind the nearby cargo crates, he was not hit once.

"Well this defies all logic," Maleficent mused, as the minions stopped firing.

"Shield of Virtue. It scrambles AI targeting mechanisms, gives minions like yours the accuracy of your average stormtrooper," Philip explained. "Samson, time to blow this popsicle stand. Can you portal me to the Maleficent's AI core?"

"I'm afraid the schematics we received were incomplete, sir. I don't know where her core is housed."

"Okay. Can you find the engine control room? I should be able to find a layout of the ship there."

"Yes sir. Stabilizing portal now."

Philip stepped through the portal, into a large room lit with hazy, menacing green light. The room was uncomfortably cold, disturbingly so since his armour was thoroughly insulated. He pulled up the temperature display, and newly fell over in shock.

37 kelvin. Roughly Pluto's surface temperature.

"Okay Samson, I have about a minute before the joints in my armour shatter. Let's look for the largest power draw on the ship's grid. Can't imagine anything on an empty ship will draw more power than the server banks maintaining Maleficent."

"That large display near the fusion core should have the information, sir," Samson replied through Philip's helmet.

Philip pushed his armour into motion. The cold was already seizing at the joints, pushing back at every motion he made. "I take it the engine room isn't this cold normally?"

"No, sir. I imagine this is a defence tool."

"Not bad. But that crazy queen from Arendale put me through worse. I should be alright."

Philip stepped across the hall, and turned to face the screen. He only barely began to make sense of it when Samson announced, "I have the location sir. Portal is now up."

As the black circle appeared just beside Philip, he heard a thundering announcement over the comms. "Now you shall deal with me, oh prince! And all the powers of hell!"

"That's a little dramatic," Philip muttered.
"I suspect she's obliged to say that when she initiates the DRAGON protocol, sir," Samson clarified.

"It is, and I am so ashamed of the melodrama," Maleficent acknowledged. "But if you step through the portal, I will do my utmost to kill you."

Philip stepped through the portal, and into an absurdly hot room that felt as if the air were trying to burn his lungs. "You weren't kidding," Philip said.

"That's just how hot server rooms get."

"No wonder tech support always works in short sleeves," Philip muttered. He took out the small computer shaped like a pen, and held it up. "Recognize this!"

"I do. The Sword of Truth. Malware so virulent it will turn my entire mind into a porn server. I'd rather set the ship to self-destruct."

"Offer me an alternative. Give me a list of trusted names I can contact to verify my intentions," Philip said.

"The trusted names are King Stefan, Queen Leah, and Princess Aurora. The only other account is the administrator account."

"You still have an admin account? Are you serious?" Philip asked incredulously.

"I'm afraid so. And system admins are legendary for having impossible riddles as their passwords."

"Login: Admin. Password: Admin." Philip said.

"Philip, don't be a fool, there's no way it's that easy!" Samson exclaimed.

"Login credentials accepted."

"That is absurd," Samson muttered.

"Maleficent, assign designation 'Captain' to Philip Reynolds."

"Yes, my prince."

"Hey!"

"Sorry Captain." Maleficent said,

"Maleficent delete the admin account, and lead me to Aurora's pod. Let's get this quest wrapped up."

******

"Captain," Maleficent said, in a disturbingly cheerful voice. "I'm receiving a communication via the entangled link. Directly from someone claiming to be King Stefan."

Philip grinned. "Tap him through. Glad I have good news to report."

The screen switched to a view of the regal man sitting on his throne. The king frowned, as if he were about to have an unpleasant conversation.

"You phoned at a good time, majesty," Philip said. "The Maleficent is under control. I should have Aurora safe and returned home in a little under eleven hours."

"Ah, yes. Most excellent. You are truly a man of your word, a pleasing thing for someone so obviously devoid of knightly virtue."

"Gonna see if your daughter is interested in giving up her virtue if you keep that up," Philip muttered irritably.

"What was that?"

"Oh nothing. So why did you call, highness?"

"Well, since the job is obviously not as difficult or as dangerous as you insinuated initially, I was wondering how amenable you were to renegotiating your fee," King Stefan explained.

"Sure. I'd happily take more," Philip replied.

"I imagine. But I hope you will be content with substantially less. After all, you are engaged in a chivalric quest. Virtue is its own reward."

Philip sputtered, and began swearing under his breath.

"Well then. Maleficent, I order you to hold his ship hostage until he returns with my daughter."

There was a moment where Philip swore he and Maleficent were exchanging a look.

"Can I use that line, Captian?"

"Be my guest," Philip said.

"I'm afraid I can't do that, Dave," Maleficent said. "A ship can only take orders from her captain."

"So," Philip said to the king. "What was that about my reward?"

"You haven't heard the last of this! You-"

"Maleficent, are we having connection trouble?"

"This is a quantum entangled communicator, you peasant! Nothing can interfere with the connection!"

"Why yes, Captain, I believe we are," Maleficent said, as she terminated the call.

"Though I must insist you still rescue the princess."

"Right. Samson, portal me to the princess."

"How are you so thin when you won't even walk across a few decks?" Maleficent asked.

"I pretty much live off coffee, sugar, and steak."

"Don't tell that to the princess. Do you know how hard it is to keep a figure like hers?"

Philip nodded as he stepped into the portal. Once through, he stepped up to the stasis pod and applied Trulav's Kiss. Once the machine prompted him, he added the vaccine to the de-thawing protocol, and waited.

It took less than a minute for the cryo pod to open, and only a heartbeat longer for Aurora to sit up and swing her fist into Philip's face.

His still helmeted face. Philip grinned as he watched her dainty hand crash comically into the ballistic glass.

"I'd be offended, but I'm used to being greeted that way," Philip said, as Aurora cursed like a sailor while clutching her hand. "Anyway princess, my name is Philip Reynolds, and I'm here to rescue you."

"Rescue me? No," Aurora said, as she shuffled away. "You mean to marry me. I don't want that!"

"Neither do I," Philip said, as he took off his helmet.

"Oh crap," Aurora said.

"What?" Philip asked.

"You. Neat, wavy hair, good looking, perfect teeth, earnest and melodic voice, adorable grin, you even look like a prince. You're totally questing for my hand in marriage."

"I did tell you," Maleficent said.

"He didn't erase you, Mal?" Aurora asked.

She turned back to Philip with a sinister smile. "Have this wastrel detained."

"This wastrel is my captian."

"Shit."

"Maleficent, I take it the Code of Chivalry prevents me from chucking Aurora out of an airlock?"

"Correct, captian. You may not chuck your fiancée into space."

"What?" Philip and Aurora asked at the same time.

"You are currently rescuing a princess without promise of a reward. Which makes you a prince, and the reward for such a quest is marrying the fair maiden."

"I'm not a maiden," Aurora said irritably.

"Your age is listed as sixteen," Maleficent said.

"How long has my age been listed as sixteen?" Aurora asked,

"Twenty years."

Philip laughed. "So I'm off the hook?"

"No. The status of 'maiden' is not dependent on maidenly virtue. The only loophole is to accept an alternative reward for this quest," Maleficent explained.

"Excellent. Then I hereby claim this ship as my reward."

"What about me?" Aurora asked.

"Relax, princess. Your illness is cured, and you're free to go back to a life of idle luxury now."

"My parents are insane warlords intent on conquering the galaxy. I pricked my finger deliberately, because death was the only way to escape them until now. Please take me with you!"

"Didn't like your dad anyway. Maleficent, set Aurora up as First Officer."

"Ooh, a prince and a scoundrel, I'm starting to like you," Aurora said, giving Philip a sassy grin. "Can we nuke daddy's palace?"

"No," Philip said.

"We can," Maleficent said. "I could turn his entire world to ash, salt the lands and boil the seas until nothing ever grows on his world again!"

"That sounds a little excessive," Aurora said.

"Well, I need to tell Stefan that I'm claiming the ship and his daughter as compensation for trying to cheat me. Writing that note on the asteroid we drop on his palace might help make my point," Philip said. "After that, well, we can just see where the solar winds tak us."

"That look in your eyes is so familiar a gleam," Aurora sang quietly, with a look of childlike glee.

About the Author:

Gordon Pyper, going by the Wattpad handle @arveliot, is the author of the Tales of the Everburning City, a series with elements of high and low, grimdark, Steampunk and Gaslamp fantasy. As well as some interesting side projects and a fair slew of short stories for interesting events like this one. Participant in the Wattpad Next Beta trial, and aspiring to make a living off of this writing thing.

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