As with every other chapter of this particular book, essentially my online journal, if you do not wish to learn my personal drama, I suggest you leave this chapter immediately.

Things are about to get very personal.

I honestly don't even know where to begin. All I can really say is that some days, I wish I'd never met him. Some days, I'm happier than ever to be wrapped in his arms.

When things are good, they're great. I feel safe with him like I've never felt with anyone else.

But when things are bad . . .

When things are bad, I can't even begin to describe the pain that starts. Every time something goes wrong, it's somehow my fault. Always. Well . . . Sometimes I can get him to apologize. Sometimes he admits he's wrong.

The difference is that when he's wrong, I forgive him quickly and we move on.

When I'm wrong, he wants to break up.

When you love someone, you forgive.

He does not say he loves me. The small actions he takes tell me he does, and yet . . . He's so ready to give up. One foot out the door at all times.

I want so badly to leave some days. But starting over . . . It's a scary thought. I have devoted a year and a half of my life to this man. I've known him for nearly two years. He promises to take me out to dinner or a movie . . . And then admits that he has no interest in going out.

But if I call him a liar, then he loses his mind.

The noose is around my neck. I feel that I have no escape.

When I met him, I was confident. I was sure of myself. I wrote and read every day, even if I had to work.

Now, I second guess every action, every outfit, ever thought. I read and write less often. I worry over him.

I feel I can't trust him anymore.

Not after finding dating app notifications on his phone not once, or twice, but three times now. The first time was shortly after we got together, so I brushed it off. The second time, I was upset. He noticed. When I admitted what was wrong, he made it my fault.

My fault. Because I shouldn't have been on his phone. I was checking the time after showering. My phone was in a pile of clothes. His was out in the open. Why would he have anything on his phone to hide, anyway?

The third time was just days ago. It was devastating. Messages from some girl on Tinder. I couldn't help myself. I had to look. How am I supposed to trust him when he's so . . . bipolar about his affections?

He was messaging her. She was messaging back. Things about cuddles or whatever.

He was messaging her while I was on my way over.

But when I mention I saw it, again, it's my fault. I shouldn't have been on his phone. And I shouldn't have. He called it a 'betrayal of trust' and that it was really just a test after the first (second) time I saw something on his phone.

But how was it not a betrayal of trust that he had those things on his phone in the first place?

I feel broken. I feel devastated. I feel stuck. I feel lost.

I was confident when I met him. But now, I have to bend over backwards to keep him happy, expecting nothing in return, naturally. I am entitled to nothing. I never have been.

Everything hurts. I wish I had the strength to leave, to be able to start over.

I feel weak. I've lost myself. It feels like he doesn't want me anymore. I know I shouldn't want him. Yet he's the first man to break through my walls and make me feel safe, even if that feeling wavers so often that it breaks me.

My confidence has shattered.

I have never wanted to kill myself more than I do right now. I am numb. The world is not right. Everything feels wrong.

I do not say this for attention. I nearly crashed my car on my way to write this.

This is what a toxic relationship is like.

For the sake of everyone who follows me, who talks to me, who knows me in any way, I beg of you: do not lose yourself for someone, no matter how they make you feel. Do not make your significant other your priority.

Make yourself the priority. Do not end up in a world that is grey and venom pumping through your veins, too paralyzed to leave the snake that bit you.

I love you all. If you read all of this, then I apologize if you ever became uncomfortable. I am stuck. I am not myself. I have not taken my medicine for a while and just started it again yesterday. I am not in a good place.

Just do me one favor and learn from my mistakes.