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Warning, this won't be a happy chapter, I cried while writing it.

---

(Five years ago)

I stare at the diagnostic in my hands, fingers shaking as I take in the words written on the paper.

Lung cancer stage 3.

Chance of survival?

23%.

I bring a hand to my mouth as tears start rolling down my cheeks, because of all the things to happen to me, it had to be a terminal illness?

"I know the numbers are scary, but this is a general number, we'll have to do more advanced scans, but if we can find out exactly where it started, we could do more to control the tumor, and while healing is not guaranteed, we expect for you to have around five more years in front of you if we act fast enough" the doctor explains, as if this is meant to comfort me.

Five years? How the hell am I supposed to tell Jin and Namjoon that I'm expected to die in five years?

I let the paper fall on the desk and start scratching my arm, scars catching under my nails because I always scratch the same spot, a nervous tick, all the drug doesn't help, I'm a ball of nerves, especially when my two boyfriends are not by my sides.

They always know how to calm me but this time... this is beyond anything they could deal with.

If they were to learn that I have lung cancer and that I am almost certain to die from it, what would they do? I can't expect anything good out of this, it would break them, they wouldn't recover from it, never.

"I would recommend scheduling to start the treatment as soon as possible, there's no time to waste since it's at an already advanced stage, every days count. Do you have anyone you would like to call over? We can take a moment to look at the procedures together, I can answer any questions you have with them".

I scratch with more intensity until the scar peels off, I barely register the pain as I shake my head, no, I can't possibly get them into this, they can't find out about this.

"No, I'm all alone".

The doctor purses his lips and nods his head. "Alright, in that case, we do offer a program that would allow you to stay at a center so you can get help in monitoring your health, you did say that you have drug and alcohol addictions, I thank you for your honesty on such a sensitive matter.

It's going to be very important that you put a stop to them, your survival depends on the decisions you make as well as your will to fight so any help you can get, I would recommend you to get it while it's available. Places are always limited but I've been notified recently that they have one free room, I can reach out to them if you're interested".

A center filled with dying people, that does sound good for my moral...

At least, the two loves of my life wouldn't have to see me whither in front of them, and I really do need all the help I can get, I want to stop this sick life that we've been living for so long, it's... fuck, it's literally killing me.

"It must be expensive, right?" I ask the doctor who sighs, it's a sound that lets me know that yes, it's indeed expensive, but my life is worth more than debts.

"I won't lie, miss Y/N, yes, it's not on the cheap side, but everything is covered, food, electricity, you could get health care on site and they do offer entertainments but most importantly, you wouldn't be alone. Many people would beg to have that chance, fighting cancer alone... not many survive it in such conditions".

"Do they offer... payment plans? Because I really don't own a lot of money right now and I won't be able to earn any during the treatments, right?" I ask hesitantly, fingers scratching so much I can feel my skin splitting open, it stings but it helps me focus on something else for a second, a very needed small second.

"They do, you're not the only one in such a situation. If you have life insurance, they can cover a part of it, the rest you can pay back once you leave the center, so what do you think? Do I call them for a meeting? They could answer your questions with a lot more of information, I'm sure you could move in today as well".

I breathe in deeply before nodding my head, it all feels so surreal but... it's real, isn't it? It's like a nightmare, except it's one I might never wake up from.

The doctor offers me a tight-lipped smile before grabbing the phone and I stare back at the paper stating my incoming doom as I try to think of a way to tell the guys that I'm going to have to leave them.

Will they let me go? What will they say? Will they be too wasted to even process my words? I find myself hoping that they would, yet at the same time I wish they'd have a clear mind so I can hug them properly one last time.

They're going to hate me for leaving them, aren't they? They won't understand why and it's going to be so sudden to them, but I... I can't bring them into this mess, I can't let them know about my health condition, about my cancer.

I can't let them see me die.

I'll have to cut every links leading me to them, in one way or another because if I do end up dead, I don't want them to learn of it by getting the debts thrown their way, I don't want to ruin their life twice.

If I'm completely alone, the debts are just going to disappear and they can continue on with their life wondering what happened to me after today while being with one another.

They will stay together, right? I hope they do, I don't want to break them apart by leaving, they loved each other before they loved me after all.

I will hate myself even in the after-life if that beautiful love comes to an end because of me.

This is the worst nightmare of my entire life.

---

I inhale deeply before opening the front door of our shitty apartment and right away, the smoke of cigarettes and burning drug wraps around me, something so familiar, yet today it makes me feel sick, my whole soul screaming at me to get out of here while I still can.

I remove my shoes and enter the living room where I find Namjoon and Jin sat on the couch, the eldest currently watching a movie on the TV while the younger man reads a book, a puff of cigarette taken just as he looks up to glance at me through the glasses resting on the bridge of his nose.

"Oh, hey kitten, you're back, how was your day?" he says with a smile and I feel myself waver for a brief second before I force myself to stay calm.

Be brave, you can do this, Y/N, you have to.

"It... it was alright. Listen, Joonie, Jinnie... I have something to tell you" I start, words that get their attention as Jin turns off the TV while Namjoon puts his book away, yet they both keep their fingers wrapped around substances that most likely gave me this life threatening illness.

"What is it, love? You look... weird, did something happen at work today?" Jin asks with worried eyes, they both share a concerned look when I make no move to come sit with them, right in the middle as I always do, it makes them understand just how serious this is right now.

They both stand up from the couch, ashtray on the coffee table filled until a line of smoke rises from it before they make their way to me, gentle hands pulling me to the dining table where we always have our important conversations since there's nothing to distract us in that room.

Feeling their hands on my skin makes me want to cry, because I know that this is going to be my last day getting to see them, my last day being allowed to gaze at them before I completely erase myself from their life, it's so hard to keep my brave facade on when I just want them to hug me and tell me that it's going to be alright, but I can't, I can't.

Namjoon notices the bandage on my arm and he frowns before sitting down next to me, Jin at the end of the table on my other side to keep me between them, their eyes on my form as I shift every three seconds, they can tell so easily that something's not right and it makes them uneasy.

"Love, hey, look at me baby" Jin calls for my attention with a hand on my thigh and when I turn my head to stare at him, I tear up instantly, chin wobbling as I become unable to keep it in anymore, it hurts so much to leave them, I don't want to go, I don't want to be alone.

"Oh, my poor baby, what happened to you?" he whispers as he stands up to hug me tightly, I can't keep myself from bursting into tears any longer at his question and Namjoon scoots closer to my back, his warmth keeping me safe as much as he can while they share a look of distress, they don't understand anything and it scares them.

"Kitten, baby, please talk to us, did something go wrong today?" Namjoon asks softly with a hand rubbing my back up and down to try and soothe my sobbing, but the thing is... I don't want to stop crying, I want to keep feeling them near for just a little longer, just for a little while longer.

They both keep still as they try to soothe me with gentle cooing, they hate seeing me cry and it breaks their heart, they stay as close as possible, kisses to my hair and temples, words whispering that they love me, that they're here for me, that it's going to be fine, something I wished to hear so dearly ever since I got my diagnostic, yet it only causes my crying to get stronger again because this is the fucking hardest thing I've ever done in my entire fucking life.

I take in a deep breath, one that doesn't help because I can feel the thick smoke filling my already damaged lungs and it makes my heart squeeze in panic, my possible five years of living already so short, what if being here right now makes those years even shorter?

I wipe my face with my sleeves and the two men push back just enough to give me some space to move, their warmth remaining close as they wait for me to open up about my day, their bodies shaking because they somehow expect the worst.

"I... I can't do this anymore, guys... this life, I can't continue living like this. I... I'm leaving, Jin, Namjoon. I need some time away from this, the drug, the cigarettes, the alcohol, I don't want to spend my whole life living in this kind of building with rats, I'm tired of us smelling like smoke every single day, I need to get out of all this" I murmur, feel the way they tense around me before they both drop down on their chair without a word, shocked.

I decide to continue when they both have yet to say anything, my nerves all over the place, I imagine all the ways this can go wrong and I'm simply not ready to see them get mad at me, heartbroken and crying, it's the last thing I want, but it's inevitable.

"I'm going to go live with a friend for a while and... I'll start making better life decisions, I'll think about my health for once and I'll stop all this shit, and us staying together... I know that I won't be able to go through with this plan if I stay.

I... love you two, so fucking much, you're all I have, all I want, and I know this is surely breaking your heart and I understand if you hate me because of my decision, fuck, I would hate me too but I really need to do this".

I hear Namjoon swear into his hands while Jin stares at the table with empty eyes before he covers them with one hand, trails of tears rolling underneath until they meet at his chin, I bite on my tongue and look down, hands into fists to keep me from scratching my painful skin again, they hate when I do that.

"Baby... we... we can do this together, okay? We- we don't like this either, if you want to stop, we'll stop, I promise we'll do everything in our power to stop but please, stay with us? Don't leave us, we can change together" Jin pleads and I close my eyes, fists clenching until my nails pierce my skin, I can feel my heart breaking so painfully at what I'm going to have to do.

I stand up and step away from them so all they can see is my back, because I don't want them to see the insufferable pain that covers my face, I don't want them to convince me to stay because in the end, I'm still going to die.

"Change together? That hasn't really worked so well until now, has it? Whenever we say we'll do something, we end up giving up at the first difficulty, if I stay here... I won't be able to make any progress and it's... you wouldn't understand, you can't understand" I end in a sob before rubbing my chest to calm myself, fire spreading through my whole body, it hurts so much.

"But this is different, kitten, if you're leaving us because of all this as you said, then we'll do anything we can to do better, we'll fight until the end, okay? Please, baby, my baby kitten, we can do this together" Namjoon tries, his voice so desperate, I can hear him standing right behind me, hands about to reach out to me but I walk to our room before he can touch me and it breaks his fucking heart.

I bite on my tongue to keep myself from wailing as I pack my bag with the bare necessities, I know I won't be wearing any normal clothes often because of the treatments, and I know that they're standing in the doorway, I can hear them sob as they watch me pack to leave them and it's so hard, so hard to leave them.

It's like splitting my soul in half, I'll never be whole ever again without them, I know that for a fact.

"Baby... please" Jin pleads once more as I walk between them to exit the room, the two of them on my heels as I rush to the entrance and through the thick smoke that makes me cough, it sounds terrible even to my ears, the way my body wheezes and shakes and it freaks the hell out of them, is this why I'm leaving?

Fuck, they really messed up, didn't they? They messed up so bad.

I wear my shoes as quickly as I can, bag over one shoulder, so light considering that I'm not coming back, and as I face the door, hand on the doorknob...

I hesitate.

I truly hesitate, because once I walk out of here, it's over, isn't it? It's truly over.

I take in a long and deep trembling breath, then turn around, take a good minute to really engrave them in my mind.

Their eyes, orbs that used to look at me with so much love, now showing off all of their pain as they cry.

Their cheeks, those pretty round cheeks that stretch so beautifully when they smile and laugh, now looking lifeless and sad, tensed and dull.

Their lips, those thick lips that feel so soft against my own, those lips that look the prettiest when they smile, now forever etched into sadness, corners curling down with no more hopes of ever going up as they wobble in pain.

What do I look like in their eyes right now, I wonder? Do I look as terrified as I feel? Do I look like someone who knows what she's doing or do I look like a lost kitty wandering a world too big for its small body?

Unable to stay a second longer, I only manage to mouth an I love you before I leave them behind, their world one of the living while mine becomes one of the dead.

I love you, they mouth back, but it's too late.

Okay yall, I seriously started crying when I finished that chapter, it's breaking my heart.