(five years ago)

I'm constantly in pain, yet I don't know which one is worse. My body, or my heart? Which one is beyond repair right now?

Surely my heart, it must be the source of all this excruciating pain I'm feeling every seconds I am awake, I can't even feel my toes at the moment, my whole body numb and tired, heavy yet completely empty, I feel like the shell of who I used to be.

I lay on my bed, eyes staring up at the white ceiling, my mind the only thing working and its favorite memory to replay again and again is the sight of Jin and Namjoon crying, as they beg for me to stay and my heart breaks over and over again every single time.

It's a nightmare that never ends, one that was caused by myself, yet it was the only thing I could do, that reality has not changed.

It's better that I remain in pain alone and die, than let them hurt with me only to die anyway. Their reaction when I left them, it would be nothing compared to the one they would have were they to find my body lifeless.

But knowing that doesn't make it any easier to endure the pain, because all I can think about is how our last day together, the last memory we could make together, is one of pain, pain I gave myself as well as them.

I am going to die with the knowledge that they'll hate me for leaving them like that, for never coming back. Would they ever forgive me? I want to hope for it, yet what would it serve? I am not seeing them again.

I've come to wonder what would even be the point of living these five years if I make it there. What's the point of suffering for five more years? It still would not make it possible for me to go back to them.

Maybe all of this is completely useless and I took someone else's chance away in this center, why am I trying? Why am I going through all of this if my only salvation is through death? I'm tired of being in pain, I'm tired of looking forward only to see pain there too, is that all that waits for me?

I'm aware of the hurt and sadness I caused, so why do I still long to hear them say my name with love and warmth? Why do I keep yearning for their arms around me when I don't deserve it anymore?

Why am I such a fucking mess? Maybe it's better if I end it all here.

"Hey, psst, are you awake? You are aren't you? I can hear you sigh, you just came out of chemo too? That shit hurts so much, I just had my first session and I already wish for it to be the last".

I close my eyes, maybe if I pretend to be sleeping-

"I saw your eyes open, don't act like you're still sleeping, I'm not that dumb. I'm just- having nothing to do while we wait here is boring, keep me company, please? What's your name?".

I let out a long sigh. "Shouldn't you give me your name first? It's not polite to ask for someone else's without giving your own".

"Oh, right, sorry, my brain's a little fried right now. My name is Jung Hoseok, I'm here because of liver cancer, early stage, it's not really life threatening yet but I'm on the list to find a donor, they have to give me a new liver so I can have a chance at recovering, although they did say that the normal expectancy often doesn't go higher than five years... oh well, five years are better than none at all".

"I admire your optimism, Jung Hoseok, the five years I'm expecting seem worse than the time I'm spending here right now" I mumble, then hear him shift with a grunt on his own bed until I hear the patter of his feet on the floor and the next thing I know, a body climbs in my bed to rest besides me.

I tense up and eye the man now smiling at me, a hearty smile, just what is he trying to do? "Go back to your bed, you're annoying" I groan, head turning away from him but he simply hums and pulls on my pillow to drop his head on it.

"You didn't give me your name. I gave you mine, so the only right thing to do is that you reply properly".

"What would be the point? We're both going to die in five years, I don't need new friends" I deny him, grumble when I can't seem to turn my body away from him, this sucks.

Hoseok stares at me and smiles lightly, his eyes understanding, it makes my heart weaken, why is he looking at me like that? "You're pitying me, stop that".

"You're giving up without even trying to see where hope can lead you. They say five years, but it happens that some people make it much farther than that, it all depends on how much you're willing to fight".

"Oh, so now you're trying to convince me to not give up on my life, you want to hear my name that much?".

"I do! If we're both going to be here with the same life expectancy, we might as well stick together!".

I can tell he's going to be annoying, I did not sign up for that.

"Okay, fine, Y/N, lung cancer stage 3, I left my ex boyfriends and made them believe that I'm now living with a friend so I can keep them from seeing me die and now living feels like a whole lot of nonsense, something I should've seen coming because they were my only reason of existing. Happy?" I snarl, my patience already low because of the pain, speaking about this isn't helping, damn it!

Silence welcomes my words and I don't know if it annoys me because this is when he decides to shut up or if it's because I decided to blurt out all of this only for him to give me no reaction at all.

I'm about to push him off the bed, if only my body would cooperate when I instead feel arms wrap around me, gentle and warm, it takes me aback, every thoughts I had fading into nothingness.

"W-what are you doing?" I ask, my voice much weaker and wavering than I would've wished for but he keeps hugging me without saying a word, a hand behind my head pushing my face to rest in the nook of his neck and I feel myself tear up, this comfort...

If he makes me get a taste of it here, I'm going to want more and the pain is going to be greater when we reach the end, yet as I try to work my tongue to ask him to let go of me, my body does everything to keep me from going through with it.

"You're so brave for protecting them like that, pretty bun, it must be so hard, so hard" he murmurs before starting to rock us back and forth slowly, my bottom lip wobbles and I feel the tears hit his skin before I register the blurry burn to my orbs, a sniffle as I try to keep calm, a fight I know I'm already losing when his arms tighten around me, a gentle shushing noise before he kisses the top of my head.

"I can't promise you that it's going to be all fine, Y/N, but I can promise you this, you and I, we'll stick together from now on, alright? I won't leave you alone, no matter how much you push me away, I'll keep following you around until you have no choice to accept me. I'll show you that although short, any years we can gain in this life will be worth it".

Such proud words considering that he has nothing to gain out of this, still, he makes me want to lean on him for what time I have left, maybe having him by my side wouldn't be so bad?

"You're going to be annoying no matter what I say, aren't you?" I mumble with a small huff, he chuckles with a nod of the head.

"Absolutely. I'll be the best annoying friend you'll ever have".

I allow out a small smile and shake my head. "That doesn't sound like a good thing but... sure, do what you want".

(present day)

"Kitten, is it really you? Y/N, please tell me it's you, please".

I slowly turn around to gaze at the man who used to be mine, the man who used to cherish me every single day, the man who would tell me I love you any chances he would have and as our eyes meet, I feel time slow down as I take in his appearance.

Namjoon now looks bigger, larger and so deliciously handsome, yet his tears currently fall like waterfalls as he takes me in, his pupils blown wide on my form as if he can't believe what he's seeing.

It takes me a moment to register my own tears as they fall down but I couldn't care less, not when I have one of the two men who mean the world to me, the only ones worthy of my love standing in front of me.

"Namjoon... Joonie" I whisper, unsure of how to behave, it's been so long after all, five long years, how much has changed since then? Is he here with Jin? Is Jin here too?

"I can't believe it... Jin! Babe, come here, now!" he suddenly exclaims before closing the distance between us until I end up bumping into his chest, his arms circling around me tight and desperate as he keeps me in place, as if afraid I might disappear anytime.

"Oh my baby kitten, you have no idea how much we've been searching for you, we've been searching everywhere for years and you were right here? I thought we wouldn't ever find you again".

I bite on my lips guiltily before hugging him back, my soul finally feeling at home and at peace, I've been missing this so dearly, his warmth, his strength, I missed him terribly.

"Joonie? What's wrong?" we both hear Jin ask, my heart skips a painful beat as I lift my head to see him enter the kitchen and just like Namjoon... goodness, what have they been doing during these past years?

Have his shoulders gotten wider? Did he get taller? Is that possible? His handsome face is even more perfect than it used to be, smooth lines easing the eyes in, he's glowing, they both are, did my absence do this to them?

He freezes mid-step when his eyes fall on me, brain lagging for a small second before he's running over and stealing me from Namjoon's arms with a delighted half sob, half laugh and then makes us spin in circle as he squeezes me so tightly that it hurts, but it's a good kind of hurt.

"Oh my baby! My love, my baby, oh Joonie, she's here!" he shouts, happy beyond what I could have ever dreamed of, how can he be so excited to see me when I left them without any warning? I was gone for five years, am I really allowed this right now?

He sets me down on my feet before cupping my cheeks, thumbs wiping my under-eyes free of tears before he really takes the time to look at me, his eyes shooting stars and hearts.

It feels like we've never been apart to begin with while also feeling like we've been apart for hundreds of years, it's weird but welcomed, I can't help but smile shyly at him, I can't believe they're here, in front of me.

A throat clearing and reality comes crashing back in, the sight of my coworkers staring at us with badly hidden curiosity enough to make me step back in embarrassment, fuck, I'm still at work, I can't act all lovey-dovey with my exes!

And it's not like I'm ashamed of having been part of a poly, but it's a little awkward right now. It's been years and they're still together, there's such a gap that took place between us and... I don't think here is the best place to talk.

Jin looks heartbroken to have me already out of his arms, but one look around him and he too blushes a little, his ears turning red just like always, it's comforting to see that some things have yet to change.

"I... uh... I need to complete my shift but... I finish at ten, we could talk then?" I ask hesitantly "if you want" I'm quick to add, I can't will myself to take this for granted even if Namjoon clearly stated that they had been looking for me, it still feels surreal.

The latter frowns and looks around the room until his eyes stop on the manager who tries to make himself as small as possible while working the post Hoseok left, he can feel the investigator's orbs on him and he hates that.

Investigator, it's a title that suits Namjoon so well, it was his dream job so to know that he achieved it, it makes me so proud of him, he looks the part, he's a sexy investigator, he feels so much out of reach now, they thrived while I only survived.

"You, Daniel, you can do her job while we take her away, right? Since you seem to know how to do this job to a perfection, I'm sure you can handle working her post until the end of the night".

My eyes widen, as do the manager's while Hoseok's crease in excitement, oh this is gold.

"Namjo-" he stops me with a finger raised and I shut my mouth with a light pout, yeah, some things just don't change no matter what.

"Yes, I- of course, I'll do it, yes" the man mumbles and my jaw drops to the ground, I can't believe the asshole is agreeing so easily, the power my ex holds is not to be taken lightly, but then again, with his job title, I would be freaked out too if I was on his bad side.

Hoseok winks at me and hurries back to his post to continue what was already being done, he's definitely not going to get in the way of me leaving work sooner, not when he can see that I'm wanted somewhere else, the two people I cried so often for clearly eager on taking me away.

"There you go, now you can come with us" Namjoon says proudly before offering me a hand, his large palm turned upwards for me but I hesitate, it feels... intimidating for some reason, it's almost scary.

"It's okay, baby, we won't push, if you feel like it's too soon, we'll respect that" Jin assures me with a gentle smile, but his eyes are sad, it makes my heart pinch painfully, that's not what I want, but that's probably what we need.

It was five years, we're not who we used to be anymore, that much is obvious, they seem like they have a much better life quality than I do now and I'm really happy for them, but it's making me feel embarrassed about my situation.

I'm deep in debts and I can't possibly let them know what they're for, I can't let them know what happened, they'll be devastated.

"Don't get me wrong, I want to... but I think we should talk first, we just met after five years, we all need a moment" I mumble while looking down, something Jin doesn't like because soon, he's hooking a finger under my chin to make me look up at him.

"Don't feel bad, don't look down. You're right, we're just excited to see you again but we'll slow down a little, don't worry, now come, let's get out of here, restaurant kitchens always smell terrible".

"Yeah, okay... let me just go get my things before I come with you, I'll be quick" I utter before rushing to the locker room behind the kitchen, should I let Yoongi know that I won't be there when he comes to pick Hoseok up later?

Nah, he'll handle it for me, I'm pretty sure Jin and Namjoon will want to drive me back home so I'm not too worried about that, they won't leave me on my own.

With that in mind, I grab my back and phone before closing the locker, then make my way back to where my exes are standing, but before I reach them, a hand closes around my wrist and I turn back just in time to have my best friend hug me.

"Make the most out of this moment, okay? You don't leave them without their phone number, you don't say goodbye without scheduling another meeting, I swear to God, Y/N, I will murder you if you come back home empty-handed".

I frown. "You're going to finish what you started five years ago, that it?".

He nods. "Absolutely, don't tempt me, bun, I can be even more annoying if I want, you just got used to my normal level, that's why you feel like I stopped".

Damn, he's right, isn't he? He never stopped being annoying.

He pulls back and pats my butt with a grin. "Now go, don't make them wait any longer, I can feel the lasers pointed at me and I don't want your boyfriends to attack me".

I wince at the term he used, that one feels too... "Too much?" he says with an apologetic smile, I nod before patting his arm. "Yeah, but it's okay, I mean... maybe it can go back to that? After we get used to each other again".

He hums and pulls me in for a hug again. "Take your time, you can enjoy being with them without feeling like you have to make anything happen. Your comfort is your top priority, okay?".

I make a noise to let him know I got it and when we part once more, he kisses my nose before gently pushing me away so I can join Namjoon and Jin, I can see thousands of questions on their faces, their eyes showing off a pain that they try to hide, they're trying to explain my distancing and they're coming up with wrong answers.

I wish I could be honest with them and tell them everything, about how Hoseok and I met, how much he means to me, they would understand much better if they had the context, but I can't, not without exposing the reality of my cancer, it's too risky.

"Shall we go?" Namjoon asks when I reach their side, this time without offering a hand, he keeps them in his pockets. I smile lightly and follow behind him next to Jin, it feels tense this time, awkward, it's making me feel uneasy.

We make our way through the building, I wave goodbye to some familiar faces as they stare at us without shame, their eyes judging, how the heck could I be acquainted with such men? If only they knew...

"Are you comfortable with taking our car? We could go to your favorite ramyeon place? They still make the cheese one that you like so much" Jin tries to brighten the mood but I pinch my lips into a thin line, as tempting as it is...

"I don't... really eat any junk food anymore, Jin, but thanks. I already ate dinner anyway, Yoongi made Hobi and I something before we had to leave for work, I'm not really hungry. We can go somewhere you want to go instead, I don't mind watching you two eat".

They both whither, because me and junk food, we were one, it used to cheer me up instantly all the time in the past, but they can see that now it only causes worry to flash across my face and it makes them concerned, they don't understand why that of all things changed.

After the treatments came to an end, my doctor told me that if I want to avoid as much as possible my cancer coming back, then I need to eat healthy food, I need to exercise more, I need to avoid stress, all things that sound easy but aren't.

The simple thought of cheating a little with junk food freaks me out, I'd rather not risk it.

"Okay, we can just head to a coffee shop then? You can get something to drink there" he offers instead and I nod with a soft hum. "That sounds good to me".

We reach the parking lot and I look around us, unable to imagine what kind of car they have now, the one we used to have was old and run down, but seeing how they dress themselves today, I doubt that they kept the same one.

"This is ours" Namjoon points at a SUV, a gorgeous blue, it's definitely a recent model and it makes me gulp, are they rich now?

It does feel like it, Namjoon did often talk about the salary of a criminal investigator in the past and the yearly amount wasn't anything to laugh at, I'm sure they live very comfortably now, I'm happy for them.

"It looks nice" I murmur, and when the lights flash as Jin unlocks the doors, I get in the back before they can offer otherwise, I don't think it would feel right if I sat at the front like before.

They both sigh heavily before entering the car as well, Jin in the driver's seat while Namjoon sits besides him, fingers tapping on the GPS in the middle console to find a nearby coffee shop that could be open until they select one, then we're on the road, all of that in silence, the thrill of finding each other earlier now gone as we instead become nervous, anxious even.

My heart is beating so fast I feel like I'm going to be sick, so I lower my window a little, just enough to stick my nose in the wind as I rest my head on the side, it helps distract my mind.

They don't miss the act, it makes them feel bad, this is so very awkward and they can't help but feel like they could do better to liven up the mood, yet they can't, they have so many questions they want to ask, mainly about that friend of mine and they don't know if they can ask without sounding jealous.

Friend, or boyfriend? They're not sure, it makes their soul tremble like a leaf, they're so afraid of the possibility that they found me too late, that all of this was for nothing, they fear that possibility like they fear death.

Can this night go well? The three of us dearly wish so.