CHAPTER THREE || STEPPING STONE

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Ash woke up groaning softly as she felt the arm firmly wrapped around her waist in a protective Manner. turning in his arms she saw jay sleeping peacefully, his normal stern expression having disappeared in his calm sleep. Admiring him for a moment she almost traced the freckles dotted across his face with her eyes.

the worry he felt the night before while Ash was undercover, the anxiety that consumed him every time the brunette was in danger almost seemed paralysing to him. Yet as soon as they ended up alone he was able to hold the girl in his arms, Assuring himself she was Safe, any anxiety he felt disappeared and peace consumed him.

Yet for Ash, She felt the guilt that came flooding in every time she found her smiling in the arms of Jay Halstead. Happiness always seemed to come with a side of guilt. A part of her believing she didn't deserve to feel the relief and happiness of a relationship.

gently moving out of jays grasp Ash sat up her eyes scanning the room to find her cargos, Getting up she picked up her cargos and began changing. pulling them up her legs, she woke the sleeping detective. Jay Had always been a light sleeper from his time in the military, so didn't take a lot for her sneaky plans to unravel.

sleepily Jay tried to figure out why she was getting up, he wanted her to stay in his arms for a little while longer, He always wanted her in his arms especially in the peaceful mornings of chicago.

"where are you going?" He questioned, jays rough sleepy voice echoed through Ash's ears making her breath hitch. His voice never failed to erupt butterflies deep within her belly. he rubbed the sleep from his eyes As he sat up to look at ash who was now pulling a jumper over her head.

"i have things to do" She counted. jay raising his eyebrow in confusion as he turned his head to look at the clock that rested on his bedside table that read 6AM.

"in my jumper? at 6AM?" jay knew there was more than she was letting on, he tried to stay out of it, he really did. but the protective side in him took over, and he knew he'd find out. He'd do whatever he had to to ensure Ash was okay.

"i'm going to the gym, i'll see you later" jay sighed at her words not wanting to fight against them. watching as ash left the room, his thoughts getting the better of him. He couldn't understand why she was Always in such a rush to leave, he'd gotten more affection from one night stands..

But she hadn't always been like that with him, She'd shown him more affection a few months before. Something had changed. and he knew it. huffing, jay got up pulling his jeans on and grabbing a shirt before pulling it over his head, he didn't want too, he knew it was wrong but he was going to find out what was going on. he needed to.

**

leaving jay's apartment, Ash walked down the street a familiar pain in her chest growing. bringing her hand to her chest she rubbed it in an attempt to soothe the anxiety pains. taking deep breaths ash knew her life was about to fall apart, if they were back, if her ex boyfriend was back. she wouldn't know what to do.

stay with jay? or admit why she ran away from her family in the first place? that was her biggest fear. that secret was her biggest fear. no one knew what it was but her. And she wasn't sure she'd ever be ready for that secret to be out.

The pure thought of seeing her family caused her body to seize as it flooded with anxiety. taking a deep breath Ash turned walking down an alley, completely consumed by her thoughts. Anxiety pooling in her stomach as she tried reasoning with herself, They couldn't be in chicago, surely..

walking down the alley ash was so consumed by the paralysing thoughts that flooded her mind, drowning out the sounds of the world around her to the point she didn't notice a car pull into the side of the alley she was walking towards.

She walked past the van, her chest aching for a life that should've been lived when the van door opened. ash's eyes darted toward the van and her heart dropped. she had to take a double take as she caught sight of a man she'd been avoiding.

"hobbs?" Ash suddenly felt all the memories she'd tried to forget rushing back, looking at the man infront of her who'd set her up for the life she had in chicago.

"i tried calling you." Ash stood blankly staring at him. Her heart racing as she processed the fact he was stood in-front of her. a million questions rushing through her mind.

"are they here?" ash exclaimed coming to her senses, the tightness in her chest growing as she folded her arms around herself as if giving herself a hug. bile rising in her throat as she tried to fathom the explosion that would soon be her life.

"they're in chicago... looking for you while helping me with a situation. i want your help too" ash stood shaking her head before he had even finished his sentence. she couldn't see them, she'd just spent the night with jay.. she wasn't prepared to see them. She couldn't do it.

"i can't i'm deep in undercover work. i'm a detective now." ash challenged, there was no way. not yet. she couldn't abandon the case. she could abandon her team. And she definitely couldn't see her family.

"that's why i'm here, that's why the teams here. lopez, reyes younger brother is the mastermind of all this. now you're involved. that makes it harder so help us" it wasn't happening ash wouldn't let it. she had to do this the way she started it.

"no" ash answered bluntly, her voice monotone as hobbs shook his head. Ashley turned in an attempt to walk away only for hobbs to stop her, her blood boiled as he did, she couldn't see him. she wasn't ready to face her secrets. she wasn't ready to face the reality of her past selfs actions.

"you're going to see him one way or another ash." she scoffed at his words. She was not the type you pressure into doing something, and hobbs knew it. but that didn't stop him trying despite how quickly she could blow up.

she'd calmed down and changed a lot since joining intelligence but everyone has a breaking point, and she was close. too close for her own liking.

She couldn't see him, The pain that consumed her chest at only the mention of him was enough for her to know how painful seeing him would truly be. she couldn't. She couldn't relive the night that ruined her life.

"i'm going to solve this case on my own. i don't need you. or anyone else. just stay out of my way." Ash scoffed her hand balling into a fist, her nails sharply digging into her palms a habit she'd developed trying to control her anger.

"who's gonna let you?" hobbs challenged the brunettes words, she wasn't going to help them. no matter how much she loved them. she just couldn't.

"who's gonna stop me?"

**

"ash got a text last night confirming the job. she's going to meet the three guys in pilsen and doing a meet in china town. we do not know what the cargo is, but since it's her first run with them don't expect anything big. ash still has to build their trust." Ash listened to her sergeant's words stood leaning against her desk as again her mind wondered off to a different place.

she was left with a crippling sense of anxiety that she tried pushing aside so she could do what was right, do what she needed. leaving hobbs and her family out of it.

she had completely zoned out for the rest of voights brief before rubbing her eyes and walking into the break room to make a coffee, Kev right behind her as she grabbed a mug.

"you good Ash?" his initial presence startling her as she reached for the coffee pot, turning to see kevin she attempted to laugh it off. she was so on edge, too on edge. it wasn't safe and she knew it.

"yeah kev. i'm good. are you?" she attempted a normal conversation with one of the very few people she particularly trusted. Ash prided herself on being able to read people. And through that skill she'd come to the conclusion Kevin Atwater was one of the most down to earth people she'd ever met.

"i'm cool. ash i have to ask, how were you so good in that race? you said you never raced before now that's gotta be a lie" Ash chuckled softly at his words, he had no idea. never raced before? ash hadn't just raced. she'd destroyed her car and almost died outrunning a tank, robbed a vault dragging it from her car, not to mention a submarine.

"maybe once or twice when i was a kid" ash chuckled pouring her coffee, memories of her past flashing in her mind causing a smile to tug at her lips.

"so you were a street racer, that's cool as hell. what did you drive?" ash chuckled again, not expecting that reaction. everyone knew she'd raced before just by seeing her win, and if they didn't they'd find out soon enough. ash had bigger things to keep buried then her racing days. she had to set priorities.

"1970s dodge charger, Mazda RX-7, 2002 nissan Skyline" turning to see the look on kevs face His jaw slack, he looked like a kid on christmas the excitement on his face one ash had only seen on a handful of occasions.

**

Ash sat at her desk talking to adam about the case, as her previous conversation with hobbs plagued her mind, she'd never felt such indescribable emotions. fear, worry, anger. she knew if she saw her family the majority would be pissed at her for abandoning them but little did they know the real reason why. they weren't ready to know why.

"so Ash you gonna be okay going through with this job alone?" adam asked looking over at ash, kevin's eyes also laying on her. as long as she didn't see them she'd be fine.

"come on ruz you should know me better then that" which caused him to chuckled in response, ash had a habit of getting through things on her own, plus somehow. She was a great cop.

"alright then... not to pry ash, but you and jay you're good right?" his question shocked her, she had a feeling some of intelligence knew they were fucking but she didn't expect anyone to notice the tension currently between them.

"yeah we're fine why wouldn't we be?" ash tried playing dumb at first not sure if adam knew the pair were together but he did.

"you know we know right?" ash rolled her eyes getting up from her desk as Adam and Kev both watched her intently.

"respectfully adam my personal life i don't discuss with coworkers so let's just leave it at that" ash shrugged off his question trying to remain friendly, 6 years ago she would've reacted very differently to that question.

walking off to the locker room ash had to get changed and prepare herself for meeting john and nick, closing the door behind her she walked up to her locker opening the door and changing into some of her old clothes she'd kept for years. looking at herself in the mirror it reminded her of when she first met brian, and the rest of her family.

sighing ash ran her hand through her hair as she worried about her family, worried about what the thought of her now. she did the opposite of brian she abandoned them and joined the police. closing her eyes and taking a deep breath to compose herself and push the anger as far down as possible before she walked downstairs to fit the wire into her clothes and grab her undercover phone.

walking into the room she saw jay stood by the side with files laid out infront of him, he looked up at her with a concerned yet betrayed look on his face a facial expression ash was all too familiar with.

"you lied" was all that came from his mouth, ash's body filled with panic as she rushed over to him looking at the files laid out infront of him.

one file, read; Ashley Quinn, 9, tender age child admitted to ER with eye socket fracture, cracked ribs and serve bruising as a result of parental abuse, a photo of her younger selfs swollen eye attached to the file.

the second file, her closed rap sheet; grand theft auto, hijacking, theft, assault, aggravated battery, assault with a deadly weapon, destruction of property, aiding and abetting a fugitive, street racing, and so on.

ash stopped reading looking up at jay her heart broke. the betrayal she felt in that moment like no other. one of her biggest fears had come true. The betrayal that flowed through her veins instantly made her stomach churn as she looked up at Jay.

"you did a background check on me? you dug up my closed files?! are you crazy?" ash exclaimed, her chest feeling tighter then usual as she tried controlling the anger pulsating through her body.

her wide eyes painfully looked up at Jay in disbelief, Confusion flooded her body those files shouldn't have been easy to find, If voight couldn't find them when he hired her how the fuck did jay?

"i was worried. maybe i had every right to considering you've been lying to everyones faces for what? 6 years?" ash scoffed rolling her eyes, of course he thought that. why wouldn't he? perfect detective. His Actions hurt, she didn't want to have to explain herself. Not like this.

Her heart raced with uncertainty, As if chipping away at her heart is blue eyes laced with anger hurt her soul.

"my record is clean now. my past is none of your business jay, i am not who i was. i had my reasons! reasons that don't concern you. you couldn't just leave well enough alone could you!" ash was hurt, he ruined the only safety blanket ashley had. The only protection from her past she had. It was all crumbling down.

"you shouldn't even have gotten through the academy! reasons?! ash you were on the fbi's most wanted list!" ash chuckled in disbelief at his words, feeling utterly betrayed that he'd dug everything up, the thought of all of intelligence finding out, the thought of being outcast from intelligence made her body seize. everything she'd worked so hard for would disappear in seconds if everyone found out.

"you didn't date a fed, you worked for one! he cleared your record and got you a job here didn't he?" jay accused. ash shook her head in utter disbelief, her heart shattering more and more with every word that slipped passed jays lips. she couldn't wrap her head around the fact he knew, he knew everything but not on ash's terms. she knew this would happen. she just didn't think it would be so soon...

"i never pressured you! not once! to tell me anything about your time in the military! i respected your privacy! if you're not even going to let me talk and explain then fuck you halstead! i started this job for one reason and one reason only. to help people." ash exclaimed, picking up the file that showed a part of her childhood and slammed it on the side infront of jay. the gruelling memories of that part of her life plagued her enough without jay bringing it up.

"so if you want to know more context then what's in these folders, you're gonna have to shut the fuck up with this i know everything shit and listen. but right now i have more important things to deal with then this!" ash's anger getting the better of her. her chest tight as she turned to leave the room her eyes glossed over with tears. now she was back we're she started. with no one. on her own.