PROLOGUE

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there are no goodbyes for us, wherever you are you will always be in my heart. even if i couldn't stand by you.

Ashley never once thought she would end up being a cop, especially considering how she reacted to finding out brian was one. she vividly remembered punching him in the face for that, she remembered the betrayal she felt.

yet now here she was not just an a police officer but a detective. in chicagos best unit. far away from her old family in LA and living life in a completely different way she thought she would, in a way her old self would be disgusted by.

although things were good, she still had the thrill she loved so much just without some of her favourite people, the racing and the cars but that was okay, she had gotten used to it, gotten used to the people she surrounded herself, those people having become her family.

yet despite how good things seemed she missed it all, she craved the life she once had... but she was no longer a criminal, she had a normal life, a domestic life compared to how she used to live back in LA. she never imagined things would turn out this way for her but in some strange way she didn't regret leaving.

Ashley missed them, not a day went by that she didn't think about her family. the past 6 years had been a constant battle in her mind. The 'what if's' plagued her mind like salt in the sea consuming almost every thought from the second she woke up until the second she went back to sleep.

she'd completely lost contact with her old family, not having any idea if they were okay, or what was going on with them and that fact pained her. despite the fact she never let it show, she tried desperately to forget, pretend nothing happened but it wasn't as much of a fool proof plan as she had once thought.

you can try and outrun your past, but you'll never be fast enough.

she tried focusing on doing the right thing now, saving people, helping chicago. hobbs cleared her name, he set her up for this job. she'd do what she could for people who needed it, they were her priorities, at least that's what she told herself.

overall things were great in chicago, apart from how poor the street racing scene was. the times she'd gone out to watch the racing she'd been appalled by what she'd seen, of course she couldn't expect any of the racers in chicago to be as good as the people she used to know, to be as good as her. but she still expected better.

she never let that stop the joy she found from cars though. she didn't need to watch the racing, she didn't need to race. she had other ways of staying in touch with that side of her, Even if it was in secret.

in the process of doing the right thing, and Battling against the two clashing sides of her mind, Ash had fallen back into bad habits by falling in bed with a man who showed her attention. a habit both Ash and brian were both bullied for by roman. something that had become a running joke between the three of them all those years ago.

it's wasn't a habit she was overly aware of, things just seemed to happen that way for Ashley, even back in LA with her ex. things just happened. but jay halstead. the handsome detective she'd fallen in bed with was different he was sweet, caring, he showed ash a different way of life and she appreciated him for that.

they had formed a connection over the 6 years she had been working in intelligence, at first she just spent time with him at work, then having a few drinks at the firefighter bar, Molly's everyone loved so much. then things changed in the intelligence unit and the two became partners. ride or die some might say.

so when the opportunity arose, one thing led to another and Ash found herself tangled in the sheets of her partners bed. it wasn't intentional, and she didn't regret it, He was different.

And sometimes different was needed.

he sat across from Ash every day, she'd take a bullet for him Just like she would've done for dom or anyone she cared about. he filled a void Ash had been trying to distract herself from since she left LA. A void that would never truly be filled.

compared to everyone else in intelligence she stood out, a lot. Ashley's  intense knowledge on cars, the fighting skills she'd learnt over the years running from cops, hacking skills she'd learnt from tej. and she had the biggest mouth on the team, Ashley could talk herself out of anything. the skills she had, often lead to questions which she was good at deflecting another skill she had learnt over the years.

they weren't bad things, they just made her stand out from the rest of intelligence. the way she handled  herself with criminals was different to what her team had expected, she almost got along with half of them, asking questions the other detectives hadn't even thought of. she could understand the point of view of most the people she arrested, and she knew realistically she had more of a wrap sheet then most of the criminals she dealt with.

jay and another detective Antonio had already tried asking questions, to make sense of her different behaviours but they would never got very far. no one knew much about Ash's past. she never would've gotten into intelligence if she was truthful. And it wasn't lying it was just withholding the truth.

jay had questions, and a lot of them. they ranged from questions about ashley odd behaviour to the scars that littered her skin from crashing cars and fighting, but never once did she let up any details. but jay was Classic determined ranger, he'd keep pushing for answers.... she understood she'd want to know the truth too. but the truth was something she would never let out. it terrified her.

**

"we've been given a case from the ivory tower. street racers in pilsen have been linked to a smuggling operation. everything from drugs and weapons to girls. this case is big we need all we have" Ash was shocked to here those words leave her sergeants mouth, she'd been down there and watched a few of those races, they were all shit drivers and to pull off shit like that there had to be something else going on.

sometimes not knowing everything is better.

"what do we know?" Adam asked sat at his desk as Ash played with the silver cross that hung around her neck as she internally questioned the information her sarge had said. memories of her past life playing before her eyes as they did almost every day.

"not a lot as of right now just one name, reyes some gang banger across the boarder. and some feds are also trying to close this case. so we have to work fast, see what you can all find out" Ash's Heart dropped. that couldn't be right. she knew the intel had to be wrong. Reyes was dead. Ash knew that for a fact. she wasnt sending her team into a case blind, that had the wrong information.

"that's wrong Reyes is dead" Ash blurted her mouth moving faster then her brain as all heads turned towards her for an explanation. the past years she had been working in intelligence she hadn't said a word about her past and she vowed she wouldn't. and she'd just released information that made questions arise.

the memories of her past flashing before her eyes, memories she'd rather keep hidden.

"how would you know that?" voights monotone voice echoed in Ashley's ears as she tried to think of an explanation.

"i used to date a fed, he killed Reyes. it's not him, maybe someone he used to be friends with. but it's not him." Ash quickly covered her own ass as normal. she could not afford a slip up. not now. not ever. especially not if this case brought up any old memories for her.

"how are we gonna get close to this if all we have is a dead man's name?" Antonio voiced, looking over at one of her good friends she agreed. they had nothing. that's when an idea sprouted in her mind, but she stayed quiet knowing it was best not to give anyone another reason to question her.

six years later and still walking on eggshells.

"that's what we have to figure out. now get to work. we should receive the case files in less then an hour" voight stated before heading back into his office. Ash sighed running a hand through her hair as she leant back in her chair thinking of every possible way the case could go bad.

looking around the bullpen everyone had already started working on finding out more information about these street racers, Antonio sending texts out to his CI's, Adam and Kevin looking for intel on their computers and looking at street cams around pilsen. but Jay Halstead's eyes lingered on Ashley. as she looked over at her partner their eyes locked, Dread building in her stomach she knew he'd have a few more questions about this suspicious fed she supposedly dated.

standing up Ash took her jacket from the back of her chair shrugging it on as Jay looked up at her from his desk, his curiosity always getting the better of him.

"where are you going?" he asked as he watched his partner getting ready to leave, Ash just wanted to focus on the case and she already knew where to start.

"i'm gonna go speak to some people who run the garages that fit illegal mods in the pilsen area. stay here see what you can find out." Jay shook his head at his partners words as he stood up grabbing his jacket. Ash sighed as she began walking down to Jay's truck. they stayed together; they'd made that promise when Jay had been kidnapped only a month after they became partners.

she knew getting involved with jay would become complicated, everyone always said not to mix pleasure with work but she couldn't bring herself to regret it. Jay had grown to be a nice Change in Ash's Life, The man's strong moral code Along with his personality mixed well with Ash when he wasn't asking questions.

Jay followed Ash down to his truck which she always took the liberty of driving and he got in the passenger seat. turning the engine on ash stayed quiet waiting for the questions she was sure would be asked, And she was right after less than a minute the questions came.

"you went out with a fed?" was the first thing to leave Jay's mouth making Ash immediately huff out of frustration, Jay's uncontrollable stubbornness always getting the better of him, that's one thing Ash noticed, he could never let anything be.

Jay knew he got a bit out of control when it came to certain things including lying, helping people. but Ash knew that from the way he reacted to their sergeants questionable way of doing things. and She respected Jay's strong morals and she understood why he'd want to know. but she would never let up.

"years ago." Ash had another habit of being extremely to the point and blunt, especially when talking about things she had no interest in. Jay knew Ash was the type of person to keep the past in the past just as he was. but that didn't stop his desire to know.

"Ash we've been seeing eachother for what? 7 months? and we've been partners for almost two years and you haven't said one thing about your past." Jay reasoned in an attempt to get Ash to open up to him for what felt like the 100th time. he wanted her to feel like she could trust him they way he'd learnt to trust her. and a part of him felt like she was hiding something.

"look Jay, i like what we have going on. sometimes past needs to just be forgotten about" Jay sighed shaking his head as he watched her drive. he tried to understand, he knew she didn't have to tell him, but that didn't stop the feeling that he wanted to know more.

"if you had bad things happen Ash, you can talk to me i'm here for you. you know that? i know i don't talk about me being in the army a lot, but talking about things help. you're not alone anymore" his words brought a slight warmth to Ashley's heart. she liked him, she really did. a small part of her believed she was getting over the person she'd thought she'd spend the rest of her life with. yet the pain that lingered in her past wasn't the problem, it was jays strong moral compass and ashley's need for not telling a soul that made things difficult.

Ash knew Jay had a lot of trauma from being a soldier she admired him for the way he never let it control him and she would always help him, if he asked. he was the closest thing she had to family now and she would do anything for him. just not tell him about her past.

The Intelligence Unit, They had become the closest thing Ash had to family, Intelligence and Squad Lieutenant Kelly Severide at Firehouse 51. They were her people now. Not Dom, Not brian.

"thanks Jay, but i'm good. you too, i got your back" Ash offered him a small smile as she pulled up outside The garage in pilsen as she put the car in park her hand gently went to his arm to reassure him of her words, yet jay still wasn't fully Convinced.

Ash smiled softly as she looked away from her partner and got out of the car, sighing Jay followed her actions getting out of the car and walking up to the garage in step with her.

"follow my lead" was all she said covering her badge and gun with her jacket. Jay doing the same, before entering the garage. suddenly she felt at home, the familiar smell everything was nostalgic as a flood of memories came back consuming her body with Emotions she hadn't felt in years.

Gulping down the bile that rose in her throat from the flood of emotions she ventured further inside Jay close behind as they caught sight of a tall man. who almost resembled Roman working on a car, Approaching him Ash's demeanour completely changed, Which didn't go unnoticed by Detective Jay halstead.

"Someone like yous hard to find" She chuckled as the man's attention turned to her before she continued "heard your the guy to speak to about getting nitrous installed?"

"and what business does a pretty lady like you have wanting nos?" he asked stepping closer to Ash clearly surprised by her knowledge, Jay watched the guys moves with precision waiting for indicators he should step in.

Ash stepped forward her hand going to the man's arm while looking up at him. the lack of confidence men had in women when it came to cars always made Ash chuckle. The joy she felt when it came to shocking men and crushing their egos was almost better than sex.

"who doesn't love a fast car?" Ash teased a small smirk Tugging at her lips as Jay's jaw clenched from just watching the interaction.

"what do you drive sweetheart?" the man's hand coming down to rest on Her waist, his pathetic excuse of Flirting caused Jay to take a step forward almost as if warning the unfamiliar man to back off.

"careful bud" Jay stated looking down at the guys hand, he wanted to get between Ashley and the man, put some space between the two. But he knew she could handle herself so just settled for a warning. Jays protective nature shining through, yet she couldn't help but sent him a glare.

"2002 nissan skyline r-34" the man looked down at Ash in shock his eyes widening surprised that a woman came into his shop who drives a car like that. Jay looked at her raising his brows as the majority of her words sounded like another language to him.

"bring it in, and i'll fit it for you." a small smile showing up on her face, NOS had one point been an essential in her personal car for years in the past but more Recently it had just been a dream Until now.

"perfect, i'm new around here what's the street racing scene like?" Ash asked, partially setting herself up for the Plan she'd installed within her mind yet a part of her was also curious as to what people actually thought about the racing in chicago as she believed it was awful.

"it's alright, not the best i've seen"

**

"Ash you gonna be okay going undercover then?" voight asked, after an extensive conversation with Ash about her findings at the garage. this had been her idea since Voight had first brought up the case.

yet now voight had asked she knew she had to go with it, if girls were being trafficked and she could help them that's all that mattered. even if it could dig up some old memories she'd rather keep hidden. but the girls being trafficked, ash could be their only chance.

she could always run. Start over, but that didn't mean she wanted to.

"yeah sarge i'm good" Ash confirmed everyone in the bullpens eyes laid on her, she could tell jay was more then displeased at her agreement by the expression etched onto his features.

"i'll go with you" Jay volunteered himself to the case feeling a sense of worry, undercover work was risky, Undercover work alone was even worse. Ash looked at him in disbelief, he would break her cover. she liked him, he was a good partner, He was a great cop. but not for this. normally they tended to go undercover as partners but in this case she couldn't, she wouldn't let someone who had no knowledge on cars blow her cover. this was another thing she had to do alone.

"no offence jay but i'm safer undercover on my own, i know cars. i know racing and i'm sure i can get information" Ash explained before looking back to voight for permission, internally hoping it was the right call to make and it wouldn't put her career at risk. her new life at risk.

"if you're confident so am i. finish the paperwork and let the guy fit NOS into your car. and we'll have you undercover in less then a day" a sigh of relief escaped her lips as she heard those words being said, she was going to race. the adrenaline. the rush of activating the NOS behind the wheel she'd missed so much. she was about to get a taste of what she'd missed.

the small smile on Ash's lips disappearing as she saw the intense look of worry lingering on Jay's features as voight walked back into his office. Ash couldn't say or do anything. not in-front of the team. a part of her wanted to reassure him, Tell him things would be alright but they weren't official, And their relationship was another thing Ash had to hide. The team couldn't know.

offering him a small smile she walked back to her desk, she'd never felt such mixed emotions about racing before. an irrational fear it would unravel something about her past plagued her mind yet she was excited about winning yet another race. she tried convincing herself there was no way it could reveal anything, there was no way anything would link... and if they asked questions about how she knew how to race she already had plans of what to say for that. 6 years of building a life for herself in chicago. That took planning.

sitting at her desk, she watched as Jay walked into the break room concern and anger written all over his face, Ash decided it would be best to leave him alone for a while and get on with her paperwork so it could all go smoothly. by the book. not a single slip up.

Time seemed to move all too quickly and everyone was sat completing their paperwork, Eyes lingered on her, itching to ask Ash questions as to how and why she was so confident about cars. Yet she was confident about everything so some members of the team hadn't thought twice when finally someone broke the silence.

"Ash? how do you know all this about cars? i mean i thought i was a car guy but you're on a different level" kevin spoke all eyes now falling on her waiting for her answer as she thought of the most simplistic way to answer the question.

"i grew up in downtown LA, street racing was huge.. kids closing streets to race. i liked to watch them from my window then i got a job in a garage." she answered not once looking up from the paperwork she was filling out.

"did you ever race?" kevin asked again causing her eyes to leave the paperwork in front of her, contemplating whether or not she should answer.

"no" simple and sweet, the best answer she could come up with, no. yet that couldn't be further from the truth. the bullpen quickly returned to silence after that, adam swatting kevin in an attempt to get him to stop asking too many questions after noticing the glare Ashley had shot at the pair.

returning to her paperwork Ash concentrated on finishing every last word, so she could sort out her most prised possessions that had been sat in a private garage since she moved to chicago not wanting to use it in case things went bad. it made sense, it was one of the only things she had left of her family, brian's 2002 nissan skyline she won after beating him in a quarter mile.

the silence didn't last that long as footsteps coming from the stairs got louder, Ash sighed looking up only to see her favourite sergeant trudy platt at the top of the stairs.

"Quinn someone keeps calling me for you. it's driving me nuts. told them you'd call back" Trudy rolled her eyes her voice laced with a familiar bluntness as Ash looked up at her, her brain trying to figure out who it could be. kelly? no he never called the district, especially if he was on shift.

"tell them to leave a number and i'll get back to them in a few days" Ash before looking back to the paperwork she was filling out

"said his name was Luke Hobbs"