My hands shook when I saw the title of this chapter. WTF my younger self? WTF???

* * *

-If you haven't really gotten over the past, you've never really lived your present life. What you're looking for now isn't a better future, but the past so full of remorse.

Anger. Pure, livid anger. My blood was boiling just at the mere sight of those two chatting happily like Ayden and I didn't even exist. When I saw them like that, I came to believe that they were spending their entire time like this, ignoring my desperate plea to help Ayden. I did not think that I was a good person, so I did not believe in forgiveness and blind kindness towards those that hurt me.

They never even called.

When they took the money from the life insurance and savings our parents had in the bank, they told the jury that they will take good care of us and that they'll use all of the money for our sake.

Selfish liars. Instead, they sold our house and bought that little place for me and Ayden, probably not wanting to take us with them on their journey around the world before they suddenly left.

In the beginning, they used to send some money for us to manage it somehow, but after I found a job, they immediately stopped. We never saw them after that day, and I honestly didn't mind it at all. I was not too fond of those people. They were no longer my family. Family are people that care for you, that will help you when no one else wants, who will always be there to hold out their hands for you when you need them. Being blood related has nothing to do with it. Neither does the family, nor other people going around destroying other people. It's what only monsters do.

She suddenly noticed me before looking around me as if she finally began to understand that it was me whose engagement was about, she put on her fake smile I knew all too well, as she started coming my way. My aunt.

I pushed all my previous thoughts away as I braced myself for not too pleasant conversation that followed.

"Kaley, oh my God, we're so happy for you," She exclaimed as she spread her arms to hug me but I just moved away. There they were: face, voice and composure I was already familiar with since that trial two years ago. The only thing that changed was her hair, which was currently red. It was never the same color whenever we met.

"So now you remember us? Maria," I couldn't help but say her name with so much venom, the mere reminder of anger and hatred I felt towards her. That woman was a cruel, cunning creature and deserved nothing else.

Not even pity.

"I've never forgotten about you, my dear," She let out a laugh as some people glanced at our way, Blake already noticing that something was wrong.

He gave me a look of inquiry, with his eyebrow slightly raised as I only averted my eyes from him. He couldn't help here.

I needed to let it out.

"We're sorry for your parents and Ayden, I think we never had enough time to talk about it. What you say to renew our bonds now for your sake. You must be so lonely," She continued moving her hand towards my shoulder as I only took a step back bitterly laughing in my head. My sake?

It would be for the best if I never had to deal with her face again for my sake.

"No thank you, I am as good as I am now," I replied, trying to calm down. There were so many things going through my head. I wanted to scream in her face, but knew that it wasn't worth it, not with all those people around us.

It was at that moment that Ayden arrived and I began to lose my cool.

"Is that the aunt, Kay?" he asked, his innocent mind not understanding a single thing that was going around. She, on the other hand, only glanced at him with disappointment written all over her face.

"Oh, you're still alive? Too bad for the insurance money," she quietly mumbled before looking at the side, but I heard her. I blinked twice, I couldn't believe that the only reason they returned here was because they wanted to take money from Ayden's life insurance once he had died?

How fucking low could they get? Was the only thing those people that were of my own flesh and blood thought of money? Did they choose not to help us because they hoped to gain more with his death?

They were insane.

Before I had noticed it, my hand had already connected with her cheek as the sound of that slap resounded in the room. She had looked like a lady in that damn black dress of hers and nice hair and make-up, but she was less than scum on the inside.

She had been quiet for a while not saying a single word, probably trying to understand what had just happened, as I felt another wave of anger building under my skin. No more was I a nice Kaley for her.

"How dare you," she started once she finally regained her senses, but I interrupted her before she could say anything else.

"How dare you to call yourself our aunt?" I yelled. "You had disappeared for two years and when I told you about the state Ayden was in, you returned just because you wanted money from his death!" Everyone's eyes were on us and her husband came next to her. He? Oh, he was just as guilty as she was.

She tried to return that slap to me, but before her hand could hit me, it was stopped by no one else than Blake.

"I would be careful if I were in your place. It's my fiancée you're standing in front of." He warned and she awkwardly retreated, her eyes wide open.

"T-Those are lies, we didn't come for that, we had dearly missed you and we wanted to see you again," Maria tried to look like a good person once again, while Mel came and took Ade away. She already knew the type of relationship I had with those people and I silently thanked her because Ayden wouldn't have to listen to this. He didn't deserve to.

"When I had called you to ask for money because Ayden was fucking dying in the damn hospital, you simply told me that everyone dies and that you couldn't spend your money on something so insignificant, so don't you bullshit me with that fake interest in family now!"

Blake's jaw clenched as some people gasped, but I paid them no mind. He seemed to have finally put two and two together, but I no longer gave a damn about opinions others could have now.

"When our parents died, you took all the money you could find before you went to travel around the world leaving me and Ayden to survive on our own, so don't say you love or care for us, because the only thing you two care for is your own asses!" There went my lady style.

"What? That's not . . ." She threw that desperate laugh at my face.

"Not to forget that you said to Ayden that it would've been better if we had also died with Mom and Dad," I lowered my voice recalling the scene at the funeral and then saying something like that to Ayden who was crying. Nice? They didn't even deserve N from nice. "Who the hell says to a four-year-old kid at a funeral that it's better if he had died?" I no longer cared about who was listening to us, I just had to take it all out. "You didn't even pay everything for their funeral, if Ryan wasn't there, who knows what could have been of it? Few hundred thousand dollars and you didn't respect your sister and brother-in-law enough to pay for their own fucking funeral? What kind of people are you?"

I didn't even notice when the tears started sliding down my cheeks. I haven't cried like this since that night and I hoped that I'll never have to do it again.

I hated that feeling of being weak! I hated showing it in front of other people! I hated the lives Ayden and I had to go through! And I hated those people for leaving us to survive on our own!

"Get them out of here," I heard Blake say. Ringing in my ears just wouldn't stop, and I was sure that my face looked like a mess at the moment, but I just didn't care. I didn't give a damn about people around me, what did they know about the burden I carried on my shoulder?

"Come here." It was Blake again, he hugged me and took me somewhere as I walked gladly without any objections, my tears unable to stop. Like always, he didn't leave me to deal with it alone.

"I'm fine," I told him, but he didn't even spare a glance before he lifted me as he carried me around.

"You're not."

Short, but meaningful. He understood.

I couldn't hide anything from him. We soon came to some doors and when he opened them I noticed that we were in a huge dark room.

"It used to be mine while I lived here," he said before he turned on the lights.

"Come, let's take care of you," and with that he took me to another door inside which led to the bathroom. Across the whole wall was a mirror and looking at myself I saw I looked like a wreck. A really ugly wreck. He turned the water on and made me sit in the bath as he wet the towel and then proceeded to clean my face.

I couldn't think. He'd say a thing or two every moment and I couldn't embrace the numbness. He wasn't letting me go.

"There, I believe that you look much better without make-up, my not lady-like fiancée." He grinned and I just weakly smiled. I wasn't in the mood to joke with him.

He poked my forehead before lifting me up again as he took me to the bed back in his old room.

"We can either go back now or simply stay and sleep. Cuddle?" he said with an invitation and I shook my head.

"I don't really feel like going down," I gave him my honest reply.

"I understand, me neither. I was looking for some excuse to escape from them anyway. Sorry for the pressure they put on you, my family can be like that sometimes," he chuckled and I joined him.

"They're not too bad. They're not like my aunt," I breathed once again.

"Yeah, although some of them are even worse," I raised my head. What did he mean by that?

"Here, feel free to change into some of my old clothes. You gave everyone quite the show tonight, and I believe that the young mistress should take a break now." Blake got in front of the drawer as he took some clothes before giving them to me. I took them before standing up.

"I'm ruining your image," I said as he laughed.

"Don't flatter yourself, Kaley. I've done a good job myself." And with that, I got inside before changing into his clothes. From the looks of it, they still had his clothes here, but I recalled that he lived on his own for a while. Why would they keep them after so long?

Once I came back to his room, I noticed that he was in nothing but his pants. Jesus, learn to live in the twenty-first century! Clothes, Blake. Wear clothes.

He was typing on his phone without even noticing me as I took that moment to look at him. I never saw him working out, but his torso was more than finely-defined with his six pack abs. That mermaid line of his was so prominent that it was inviting me to—

"They suit you better than me. I tried searching for something for myself, but I outgrew everything. I haven't been here in years. I'm honestly surprised that they kept my room untouched." Blake said and I nodded. That explained his caveman-like looks. Blake the caveman, not bad.

He came close to me as he took off the butterfly accessory from my head before putting it on the nightstand.

"There, you're ready to sleep. You can rest in this room. I'll see if there's another for me. No one is going to bother you here," he said and I widened my eyes. I didn't want to be alone. My thoughts would've eaten me alive.

"B-Blake!" I suddenly said and he stopped in his tracks before giving me another of his eyebrow looks and I gulped. It was a bad idea but the only one I had. "Um, I . . . I've been wondering if you'd sta—"

"Do you hate me for what I did? but I want an honest answer?"

It was the single question I was afraid to hear. Did I really hate Blake? Were the feelings I felt towards him associated with hatred, or was it something else. If I were to compare him and my aunt, could I really say that those two feelings had the same weight of hatred?

"I . . . hate you from the depths of my soul. I have never hated someone in my life like this." I bit my tongue. He looked defeated. That sounded so wrong rolling out my tongue. "That's what I would like to say, but that's a lie. If it weren't for you, Ayden would have been dead. You saved my little brother, no matter how it actually happened, no matter the price paid for it. And now, now you gave us a safe roof above our heads and you accepted our child. For the first time after such a long time, I could live without any worries." You make me feel alive, like a human.

"So there's no way in hell I could ever hate you. Yes, I'm still afraid of you because I don't know who you really are, what your true personality is like, but I definitely don't hate you. Actually I . . . I did hate you at the beginning. I won't lie, I did. But you said it yourself, we were two adults each giving and taking what we needed, so my hatred was unreasonable and unfounded. Perhaps my ego was just unable to let me be happy so I mindlessly protested, but the fact is, I had no right to. But I'm so grateful to you."

Why was I saying this? Why couldn't I let go of it? Those feelings were unknown to me. I have never felt the need to speak about my feelings with someone.

"When I think of home, it's you and Ayden I see now. The same goes for family. So thank you. No matter how sick this sounds, thank you for offering me that deal that night, and I don't hate you." I finished. Even if he did hurt me and I was numb for days afterwards, I'm thankful for him saving Ade. Maybe I refused to accept that I had to do something like sleeping with another person for money just as I stepped into adulthood, so I couldn't let go. Maybe the grievances I had for my aunt found another target that was closer to me so I unreasonably poured them onto Blake. Maybe I could have told him somehow what I needed money for, but it's in the past now. I'll no longer stay trapped in it. I was sick of it, and maybe that's the reason I've come to accept Blake that easily. He was helping me realize that I was sick of it. He was pushing me forward. He was saving me.

"I see. Thank you, too . . . for not hating me," Blake said and started moving once again. "Alright then, I'm tired. I'll immediately go to bed. Come to the dark side, we have pillows!" he said, jumping in and I weakly joined him, regaining a cool composure. I didn't mind his company as much as I thought I would.

"What's with Ade, in all this hurry I forgot about him," I asked, concerned about my brother, but Blake simply showed me his phone.

"I just texted Mel to inform her of us staying here. She'll take care of him," he said and I nodded.

"Blake?" I asked and he glanced at me. "I don't really want to sleep."

He was silent for a while. "I don't care, I do."

"You're mean, and evil"

He only laughed at that one before winking at me. "Tell me something I don't know."

"And not gentlemanly at all."

"Truth, but ask that anyone else you want who knows me, they'll all say the opposite."

"Aha, so you're also a good liar." I grinned and he feigned innocence.

"More like a good actor. That reminds me, you complained about not knowing me?" Blake asked and I nodded. Walls of his room were completely black except for tens of little white cubes I believed were lights or something. His bed was white, except for the pillows that were grayish. I didn't see blankets anywhere and should probably remind Blake about them, but looking at his room, you wouldn't really say that it was a kid's room. It looked so empty, except for the drawing of white horse I only now noticed.

"Yeah, I remember," back then when I met him I even thought that he might have been some vampire or whatever. He looked so mysterious and out of the world.

"Then, let's play 'Questions until you fall asleep,' deal?"

"Does that even exist?"

Surely not.

"I doubt that twenty questions will be enough for us, so we'll play until one of us is too tired to continue, what do you say?" he asked with a yawn. Weakling.

"You seem like you're about to drop dead," I commented and he chuckled.

"I assure you that I have more than enough stamina to keep me all night long, sweetheart, so just go on. I promise to stay awake until you fall asleep," I could only sigh. Men.

"So, favorite food then?"

"Anything edible, you?" how the heck can he like everything? Like even insides of animals? I hated those, eww.

"That's hard. Lasagna I guess, I used to eat it a lot when I was younger." Dad would always make me one for dinner even if the whole family was eating something else. I smiled remembering those times.

"Color?"

"Cliché, light green. Just like your eyes," he winked at me once again and I blushed. You never knew when the playful Blake was going to jump out from serious, business Blake.

"Kaley? I'm sorry to hear that your parents died. I think I just assumed that your relationship with them wasn't good or I don't know. Maybe I did realize it but I just ignored it because it was easier to assume that, but, I'm sorry," he suddenly said and I shook my head. I hated that topic.

"It's alright, I never really talked about them." No one ever asked, so I never had a need to talk about them anyway.

"Can I ask how it happened?"

Should I tell him? No, I don't have a reason to.

"Car accident. It . . . It . . . It was all my fault." Before I noticed it, my lips moved on their own accord. I knew it was my fault. If only . . . If only I had listened to them instead of arguing.

"How do you mean your fault? I mean, if you don't mind telling me."

I . . . I needed to get rid of those feelings. "It was my sixteenth birthday. My friends prepared a party for me, but my parents wanted us to go to a family dinner." Tears started forming in my eyes just from remembering that event. I could do this, I told myself. I could talk about it.

"W-We were in the car, they were sitting in the front seats while Ayden and I were in the back. I started arguing since I wanted to go to that damn party, and they told me that I was childish," I could still hear their voices from that night. Blake pulled me in his arms letting me sob on his chest.

"Dad turned around to tell me how I can go to the party once we're done with dinner and . . . He lost sight of the road just for a few seconds. The other driver was drunk and he came out of the left lane, but Dad tried to turn but . . . we got hit anyway and they died in an instant." I was crying my heart out on Blake's chest, but he didn't seem to mind.

I should have stayed calm in that situation, not argued with them. That way they might have survived. If only I didn't act like a spoiled brat, they might've survived and we could've had a normal family life. Maybe Ayden wouldn't have gotten sick or something and we could have had normal lives. Ordinary lives.

"It's not your fault," Blake said gently but I shook my head. He wouldn't understand the guilt eating me.

"It is. I was so stubborn and stupid!" I argued back but he only kissed my forehead.

"Trust me, I know the feeling and it isn't. Even if your father hadn't turned around, nothing says that the drunk man wouldn't have hit you. If it's someone's fault, then it's the fault of those drunk men."

But. But! "Still. Still . . ." I don't know what I was looking for, it seemed to me like it was for the best if I were the one to blame.

"There's nothing to think about anymore. Don't blame yourself." He gently caressed my cheeks, wiping my tears away. "It's in the past, nothing's your fault. That guilt you feel only means that you care, not that it was really your fault." He kissed my head again.

"You see, that happens when we lose people because of some actions we were not too proud of having done. Then we start questioning our choices, begin to ask ourselves if we could've done something differently, if we could've changed what we did. Regret is too big to handle. It eats us alive. Then, we embrace numbness because we don't know what else to do. Some of us prefer pain and solitude, but the truth is that we can't deal with them on our own. Trust me, I know, which is why I have to thank you," he added and I raised my head to look confused at him.

"Thank you, for telling me about yourself so that I could help and for not asking me about Marine," Blake said the name unknown to me and I tilted my head sideways.

"Marine?" Who was that?

"The girl on my laptop, I saw that it concerned you, but you still didn't ask." No, it was just never my business to start with.

"One day, I will be able to tell you about her, but not now. Just not now while I'm in the same house as him!" Him? I thought for a second. He said to George something about not coming here again if he's here.

Lucas?

"Can you only tell me who she is? You don't have to if you don't want to." I warily approached him. What he said left me stunned for a few moments.

"She . . . She is my deceased older sister."

Curiosity was the way of the young ones. We want to know more, to see more because there is no other way for us to come to understand the world of grown-ups.

But sometimes we learn some answers way too earlier than we should have.

And because of that, we learn to regret our choice to grow up.

____________________

I regret growing up, alright. I regret it! Why are bills expensive as fu-