Crying is the only way your eyes speak when your mouth can't explain how broken you are.

For the second time on that day, I woke up next to Blake. Or at least, I thought it was still that day.

The first thing that came to my mind was a single question: Was I going too fast? So many things had happened that I was confused about my own actions. I was never in a relationship before, I was too shy in the past to even kiss a guy and now I was suddenly pregnant and engaged to the person I knew almost nothing about. I didn't even know his favorite thing to do. What he liked? Disliked?

Damn, this really was like casually picking cabbage on the road. The old woman was right, it's just that she was wrong about the age issue.

I never bothered to know any of those, I just accepted whatever was thrown my way with a nod, why was I like that? Was something wrong with me? Why was I different? Was I wrong in some way? All I did was bring disaster wherever I went, I was probably just a burden to Blake. He was free, yet he suddenly had a woman to take care of. I was sure that even he wanted to be freed of me.

The previous day was so eventful that I'm surprised I could even sleep. And that kiss? The more I tried to ignore the fact that it happened, the more it came back to bite me. I glanced at Blake knowing that I had to ask him what was it all about or I was going to get insane from all those merciless thoughts of mine. I was not going to lie, he seemed to know what he was doing with that kiss, but then again why was I even wondering? I mean, it was Blake we're talking about, I'd be surprised if that man didn't know anything.

What if he were to just say something like: Oh, it was just an ordinary kiss. How was I supposed to react? I mean it was my first kiss after all, but somehow, one part of me was glad that it was Blake who took it, not someone else; he was my soon-to-be husband and I always wanted to keep it for the guy I'd be marrying. Old fashioned or just foolish, I didn't know.

And then again, that statement sounded so wrong.

Sighing, I tried to get up, but his arm grabbed my waist before bringing me back to his chest.

There goes getting up.

"Stay," he mumbled sheepishly as he yawned, I fought my urge to pinch his cheeks at how cute he looked. But I stopped, that was most definitely not the way my thoughts were supposed to go, what was wrong with me. Why was I so relaxed around him? It was not love, I reminded myself. Trust? No, I didn't think so, I did trust him up to some point but only as much as I could without knowing his real life. Returning to the previous matter, I tried to trick him into getting up.

"But Blake, we should get up. We've been sleeping for the entire day," I replied, realizing just how long we've been sleeping. I have never slept through the entire day.

"So what? We said that we'll be up for dinner, not the rest of the day." He opened his eyes before staring at me, with what I could guess was intensity. Those blue eyes of his seemed to engulf me. Odd eyes he had, they seemed to have emotions, but when you'd look deeper at them, they seemed like they didn't know what emotions is at all. I removed my gaze feeling that if I stared any longer at them, I'd drown in their cold ambience.

Unknown. Yes, Blake was a completely unknown man to me, I could never guess who he really was.

"Still, it's not healthy to sleep this much, the last thing we ate was lunch," I mumbled, trying to hide my discomfort. My mind coming back like karma to me, reminding me, whispering to my ears like a slow torture.

You don't know him.

"Are you hungry?" that got his attention as he pulled up, already moving to the edge of the bed to get up. That worked if nothing else. Wait, was I?

"Not really, but still," I said, my eyebrow up in confusion, he stared at me with intensity from before as I gulped. I was once again reminded of the effect his eyes had on me.

"Then there's nothing to worry about, go back to sleep, munchkin," he said with a smile, no more fixed stare as he closed his eyes before falling back on the bed.

"Munchkin?" I asked once I was able to comprehend his words, shaking my head. Only Blake, only Blake.

"Do you have something better?" he asked, raising his perfectly shaped eyebrow. I needed to ask him how he did that, I couldn't raise it properly to save my head.

"Nope. Forget I even asked," I giggled, this Blake I was familiar with, I could confide in.

"Can't promise," he chuckled. "It's hard to forget every time you laugh," he said, his eyebrows wiggling in a way only he could do, a slight blush made its presence known on my cheeks.

"Sh-shut up," I said, not coming up with a good comeback.

"Wow, the day you were left speechless has finally arrived." He turned to me, his head resting on his hand while his hair looked as neat as if he hadn't even slept at all. Suddenly not feeling too confident in my hair, I moved my hands to somehow style it as passable, knowing that I probably looked like a witch.

"Yeah, and I can stop talking to you for an entire day as well," I stuck out my tongue at him making him roar with laughter as my blush intensified.

"And just as I thought that I had you . . ." He sighed once he calmed down, closing his eyes back. That's it, this was my chance. It was now or never.

"Blake."

"Kaley."

We both said it at the same time. I could see a small tug on his lips, but kept his mouth in a tight line.

"Ladies first," he said and I nodded ignoring the whole lady fact. I was here to ask him about the kiss, not start another "I thought I was not lady" argument with him. I didn't know how to approach him with my question. What would he think of me if I were to ask him something so unusual? I mean, how often do you get asked with "Did the kiss we shared mean anything to you?" type of question? How was I supposed to begin? Maybe I should've just mentioned the kiss and let the story evolve.

Just ask, coward.

"Um, it's . . ." I bit my lip and he groaned. I frowned. "Are you alright?" Concern laced my words, wondering if he was in pain or something?

"Yes, please continue," he shook his head and I shrugged. If he said so.

"Well . . ." Fuck everything. Sighing, I decided to get right to the point. "About that kiss . . ." Even though I wanted to say it loud and confidently, in the end it sounded like a weak whisper. And that was not really straight to the point, I didn't ask what it meant to him.

"What about it?" he encouraged me for more, raising his eyebrow once again making him look somehow intimidating in front of me. Or was it because of those eyes that once again remained so focused on me that I felt that way.

"Well . . ." my mind stopped.

"Why are you so confused?" was the first thing he spoke, frown on his face. It's the usual face I knew so well. "I simply felt like kissing you when I saw you there in front of me. Your lips looked inviting, so there's nothing much to think about. I liked it and I like you. After all, who said that we can't be attracted to each other in this marriage?" He seemed pretty nonchalant about it and I blushed. It was just an ordinary kiss for him after all.

Wait, he liked it? Attracted?

"Relax now, it was just a little peck, it's not like it was your first kiss," he smiled. I stared at him with my mouth open, realizing what he's just said, I immediately covered myself with the blanket. "You gotta be kidding me, seriously?" he asked. No way am I uncovering myself to face him.

"Shut up," I said, my blush in its most intense phase when suddenly, the thin blanket that protected me from his eyes got removed from me as I gasped.

"This cannot be allowed to happen; we have to fix that."

Yeah, I should undo the time and never ask you about it.

"First kiss isn't supposed to be some peck, it's supposed to be a real kiss," he looked like a little child who just realized that Santa didn't exist and wanted to fix that and bring him back. My confusion didn't falter for a second as he got on top of me, his hands and legs next to my body trying not to crush me. Disbelief still written all over him before pure determination crossed his face.

And then it dawned on me.

Before I had any chance to proceed with what was happening or complain, our lips clashed as if they yearned to meet again.

His movements were slow. Blake took his time claiming my lips as I gave in to him before I tried to make mine move in sync with his. I didn't know what to do, so I just tried to go along with the flow. His lips were so gentle and soft that I lost my sense, my hand moved to his neck on its own, my body betraying me for this sinful pleasure. Everything around me seemed to disappear, any worry or problem I had was gone from my mind, as if I knew of no other action but kissing him.

Just as I thought that it was all he could offer me, he bit my lip, making me gasp. He seemed to like that since I heard him chuckle above my lips before he, with a swift movement, slipped his tongue in my mouth, my eyes widened.

Back when I was younger, I would think of it being gross and no-no, but now it seemed so normal and right. Like everything seemed to fall back in place. There were no sparks everyone said existed, just a feeling of every movement of our lips being in their right place.

The pure bliss that had my toes curl stopped when things escalated to another level. His hands trailed down my sides before I felt the hem of my shirt going up and panic immediately ringed in my ears.

No, I couldn't do it, not now. Not again. The moment where I forgot everything became the moment when I remembered everything. Peace and tranquility that came with the kiss were changed for fear and panic.

I did my best trying to wiggle away from his grasp as my eyes got teary. My thoughts were telling me to run from him and that seemed like it brought him back to some sense. He realized what he did, but it was too late.

"Shit, sorry. I didn't mean to do that. Please calm down, I'm so sorry." His words only brought me more tears. "Fuck, I'm sorry munchkin, please calm down. Shh, sorry," he continued as he hugged me, he even kissed my forehead.

But that couldn't help, I finally remembered what I've been trying to forget ever since, all the things he did that night to me. It made my stomach flip in fear and want to vomit just remembering what I had to do for him. What he made me do.

Shaking my head as, I escaped from his grasp and rushed in the bathroom to vomit, though there wasn't much I could throw out since I haven't eaten since yesterday. It wasn't long before I felt his hand moving the strands of my hair behind my ears and gently rubbing my back.

"Fuck, I forgot about your vitamins and medicines," he mumbled, rubbing my back with other hand. Once I was done, he lifted me up and washed my face. I couldn't speak, trying to be numb. Every time I started to breathe, I'd remember that night.

"Better now?" he asked and I weakly nodded, trying to shake my thoughts off the memories that seemed so vivid. I tried focusing on hunger instead, anything. Once again, he lifted me up and I curled in his arms, fearing him for some reason. Whenever I closed my eyes, that night was playing in my head making me afraid to even blink. So I left a little sob on his chest trying my best not to burst into tears once again, but it was useless. You can run, but you cannot escape.

I did not even understand why I was so aggrieved. It was obviously something that we both did willingly. I knew what I was doing and he didn't treat me badly, so why was I crying now?

What was it that I could not let go of?

"I'm sorry, please forgive me. I didn't think. I swear I didn't want to. I'm so sorry." He kissed my head, but my eyes drifted to his hand. The hand that led me to that bad night, the hand that went . . . Damn it! I knew. I accepted it all. I agreed to it all, but I still couldn't shake the damn feeling of what happened. I tried to ignore it for so long, but that was not enough to change the past.

"I'm so sorry," his voice was filled with pain, despair and regret and I immediately knew that he meant what he said, but I couldn't help and flinched a bit whenever his arm touched me.

I was not in the right. I was so wrong. So broken. He didn't deserve me. No one deserved to be put up with me.

"It . . . It's okay," I hiccupped wiping my tears but they kept falling and he simply kept repeating apologies all over again. I didn't want to cry, but I couldn't stop myself. Everything that made my life a mess from my parents' death to Ayden and then to Blake hit me like a train and tears just continued to assault me. He didn't deserve to deal with me. I will always be just a burden.

Around half an hour later, I finally managed to calm down. Blake silently brought me a glass of water without asking, without yelling, and without complaints. He just kept apologizing as I gladly took it to ease my sore throat. I glanced at him and he looked like a mess with his shirt stained in my tears.

My subconscious returned to bite me again, telling me that I didn't deserve him. It made me want to apologize, but he was faster.

"I'm sorry."

I shook my head. He shouldn't apologize. I should. I didn't know.

"You already said that and I told you that it's alright," I mumbled looking at my hands. I know that it was his instincts he reacted that way when we kissed, I was not really blaming him, I was just afraid of being hurt again. My fault. It was my fault. Everything was my fault. If I had told him right then what the money was for, he wouldn't have ended up having a burden on me and the baby.

"I know, but not for that," he gulped, I raised my head at him. Something told me that what followed is only going to make me cry again, and I waited patiently. Knowingly.

This time, be prepared.

"I realized that I never apologized for what I've done, and trust me when I say that I regret hurting you and that I would have wanted us to have started differently. And I also apologize for making you do all those things for me. I'm so sorry," he said, lowering his head in shame. I just nodded and since he couldn't see, I made my first move and hugged him.

He didn't deserve to put up with me, I repeated. My mind was too broken to encourage me, I could only blame myself.

This time I couldn't say that it was alright because it wasn't. It could never be. Past is never ending, it will always come back to bite us, to trample on our future. I looked at us, at what we have become.

I was too broken and he was also damaged in his own way. The happy times we spent were just that: happy times. Not the reality nor the life we were going to have. He had his demons and I had my fears. The two of us were just about to go through hell and we maybe won't be able to get back alive.

He was my savior, but my destroyer just as much. He was my protector, but I was supposed to be protected from him as well. And he was the one to fix me but was also the one who broke me down. I, however, did know one thing and that was that I cared for him, that I didn't want to lose him. Which was precisely the reason why I didn't want him to suffer with me by his side. I tried to run, but he didn't want to let me go. There was nothing I feared more than the fact that I was going to get burnt by my own feelings. For I knew that it was all just a beginning.