I sighed, pulling my hair up into a ponytail. Today was the first day of my senior year and I was less than enthusiastic. Making my way down the stairs, I took note that my father was gone, his keys missing from the bowl, and his coat hook empty.

He was always working.

After throwing together a measly breakfast that consisted of a glass of water, and nothing else, I cautiously walked into the living room. I was always scared of the sight I would see.  I glanced at a photo of a woman with wavy, long brown hair, bow lips, and a snowy complexion with freckles dappled over her nose, reflecting my face, minus her blue eyes compared to my grey. We used to look the same, but now, the woman who was in front of me a shadow of what she once was in the photo.

Rumpled, matted hair, dilated eyes, dry, cracked lips, and a never-present look that always painted her face.

She was here, but not really. She was wrapped in a robe and staring at her scarred leg, and fiddling with her painkiller bottle with her hands.

She had needed a high dosage of 4 pills a day. She went through bottles almost every two weeks now. Our insurance didn't cover it. Opioids are expensive.

But I pretended not to notice.

I pretended that when I went to the 'Chess Club', I wasn't really going to my job.

I pretended that I wasn't slipping money into the payment at the pharmacy.

I pretended the pharmacist didn't give me pitiful looks as I did so.

I pretended to have a normal life, with friends, and a present family.

I seemed to pretend a lot nowadays.

"Morning mom," I greeted.

No response. The usual.

I sighed, heading out the door and locking it behind me, not trusting my own mother to do so. Glancing at my home, I tried to bury my despair in the deepest parts of my soul. My once well taken care of house had fallen into a state of slight disrepair. The window boxes of flowers were overflowing with foliage, weeds sprouted everywhere from the lawn that was many inches tall, and there were holes in the siding of the house from a hail storm that we hadn't had the money to repair since the accident.

I turned away, scuffing my shoe on the sidewalk before walking towards my car. It was many years old when I had gotten it and had only aged more since then. I hopped in, finding some semblance of normalcy as I drove to school, playing music off my phone, and focusing on the road.

It was an easy rhythm. I liked it. It reminded me of when I used to have the time to run. Another aspect of my life ripped from me due to my own stupidity.

I had always thought people were being dramatic when they held guilt that didn't really make sense. When someone held guilt over an accident that didn't really have anything to do with them.

But humans are smart. We make connections. Too many.

Too many, what if's.

Too many but's.

To many however's.

If I hadn't left my backpack on the steps, none of this would have happened. People, therapists mainly, told me it wasn't my fault. That if my mother hadn't come home so late, it wouldn't have happened. Or if she hadn't decided to leave the lights off. Or if she hadn't been drunk.

But, when it came down to it, al of those things would have been fine, if my backpack hadn't been there. It was my fault. No matter what they said.

I glanced up as I approached the school, spotting the multiple new cars.

We get new students every year.

Getting out of my car and making my way towards the school, I took note of a large group of people gathered around a couple of kids. The new kids always hade a free ticket into the well-known group just because no one knew who they were, what they were like, and that sparked an interest. I managed to spot two guys and two girls within the thrall but paid it no mind.

I hadn't really socialized since that last week of the school year. I also hadn't touched a backpack since then. Now, I just carried my things in a pile in my arms.

I'd had friends. Three, who I had done everything in my power to ignore and avoid throughout the whole summer. I didn't deal with emotions well, and I hadn't wanted to lash out at them or let them see what I had fallen into.

It was always odd, to see them glance at me in the hallways in those last weeks, trying to talk to me, or when they acted like I was the same bubbly, social person with a bright personality I had once been.

She was long gone.

I balanced my things, avoiding people as I went to the office to get my schedule. The office secretary gave me a warm smile as he handed me the papers.

"Have a good day, Lily," He told me.

"Thanks. You too, John." I gave him a fake smile, and he nodded at me, smiling back.

I sighed, making my way out of the cramped room and into the hallways that were swimming with people and I tried to navigate my way to my first class, Advanced Placement Calculus.

I frowned when it fully registered that class. I quickly made my way into the room and sat my things down before looking at my schedule again.

Day 1: AP Calc, Sociology, Physical Ed, Lunch, AP Language Arts.

Shit.

Day 2: AP Chem, Politics, Foreign Language, Lunch, AP Geography.

Double shit.

I was smart and would be able to pass all these classes with studying, but there was an issue. I didn't have time to study, and it was too late to change my schedule now.

I was screwed. I buried my head in my hands, trying to hide my distress and find an option to be able to balance everything but my schedule was full, and my only option would be to drop a shift then go to bed at 1 AM after studying and doing homework.

That wouldn't work. I needed that money.

I chewed on my lip, already not paying attention as the bell rang and someone sat next to me. I didn't pay attention as the teacher began the intro to the class and handed out our first assignment. I was too busy focusing on how to piece my life back together, and how to keep it together, even if it was just by a thread.

So much so, I didn't even notice when I had already walked out the door when the bell rang, and then someone ran right into me from the side as I was crossing an intersection within the hallways causing me to drop all of my stuff.

"Shit!" The word slipped from my mouth before I could help it and I sighed, bending down to gather my scattered items that seemed to resemble my life up from the floor.

"Shoot! I'm so sorry, I wasn't paying attention, and-" I waved the guy who was speaking off without even looking at him.

"It's fine." I finished organizing my things and walked away, rushing to my next class. Thankfully, I only had the one loose paper, making it easy to pick up the mess.

If only my life was one loose paper, instead of thousands of paper shreds.

The rest of my day rushed by until lunch, where when I sat alone at my table, the ache in my chest began to grow. I tried to divert my attention from the empty seat that my best friend, the only person who I'd confided in about my guilt used to sit.

I had thought she and I would share everything forever.

Turns out, she decided an opportunity in Hollywood had been more important.

I felt selfish for being mad at her. It was a wonderful opportunity for her to be able to pursue her dream and if I were a good friend, I would have been happy for her.

But I was selfish. She had left me when I needed her most. She promised she would be here for me, but she wasn't. She didn't even have time to text or call like she promised she would.

For us, our promises were apparently meant to be broken. I was glad she wasn't around anymore so we didn't break anymore.

Amethyst was meant for the stage.

I was meant for the shadows.

I don't see how I thought we would ever stay in contact.

Although, I had seen her in commercials. She was always so pretty. Last I'd heard, she was going to be co-starring in some television series. According to critics, it was going to be her possible breakout roll.

Amethyst Vernis. The next name in acting.

She was no longer the Tes I had once known.

I sighed at my thoughts, mad at myself for letting them take me away. If I let my thoughts take me too far into a pit, sometimes it would take me weeks to get out.

Although, I figure I have never really dug out completely.

Sometimes I wonder if I ever will.

I spun my water bottle around the table, watching as the flimsy plastic thing declared itself as my lunch and twisted the rays of light around it.

The thing about being money tight is you never realize the things you took for granted until you don't have them anymore, and then realize you don't need them.

Water is cheap. Cheaper than food, and it can give me the illusion of being full. That way, I save money that can go towards more important things. Like my mom's medicine.

Blankly, I sipped at my water while burrowing into my sweatshirt, trying to get rid of the unshakeable cold that always seemed to linger in my body. It was a nice day out, but I never got past my blanket of despair and cold.

Stop it, I scolded myself in my head. I pulled out a book to take my mind off things and delved into a lovely world where nobody really had to deal with hardships.

Oh what I would give to be in her place, I thought as I came to the part where the main character realized she loved someone.

I doubt I had any love left in me.

I quickly got lost in thought before a body being sat down in a chair, followed by three more jarred me from my dream-like state. I turned my gaze to the two guys and girls who now occupied my table.

"Hi!"

"Uhm, hi?" I stared at the guy, finding something familiar about him but unable to place him.

"Look, I just wanted to say sorry about earlier where I ran into you-" He began, but I cut him off my shaking my head.

"It's fine, really." I smiled tightly, then got up and walked off, not wanting to talk with people and hear about other's problems. I had enough to deal with.

"Wait!"

"You don't have to talk to me out of pity," I told him dryly. I had gotten this treatment before. Not fun.

"Please? I just want to talk."

"No."

"Hold up." This time, it was the other guy who spoke and I paused, turning to look at him. He stood up and held out his hand with a smile on his face.

"Hi."

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