|| ship; kshaw

|| warnings; mentions of rape, trans!harry, trans pregnancy, mentioned mental health conditions and self harm

|| words; 1.3k

** THIS STORY CONTAINS SENSITIVE CONTENT/ MATURE THEMES. PLEASE PROCEED WITH CAUTION **

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Harry's been off for a while.

JJ can tell. He likes to think he knows his boyfriend well enough to notice these things.

The little things.

Well, not so little now.

It all started a couple of months ago.

Harry got into a fight, at a bar. That's what he said it was. JJ's not so sure now.

Came home crying, with a black eye, a split lip, and bruises all over him. Refused to tell JJ what happened beyond the fact that he got beat up. Because he probably knew that if JJ found out who did it, he would make them wish they hadn't even looked at Harry.

JJ tried not to think too much of it. Held Harry for a while as he cried, then cleaned up his wounds when he finally calmed down. Took him to bed, and kept him close. Harry fell asleep quickly, still shivering, even though it wasn't cold. And he was safe.

He didn't seem to feel safe.

Ever since that night, he's been getting nightmares.

He'd wake up shouting and crying, in cold sweats. Looking around frantically, dragging his nails into JJ's chest, eyes wide.

Sheer terror.

It would usually take JJ a good ten minutes to calm him down, only for Harry to tell him that it was just a stupid nightmare, and he's sorry for waking him. Then would settle back down, with his back to JJ. Embarrassed almost. And still shaking, if only slightly.

Nightmares aren't the only thing JJ has noticed since that night.

Harry's anxiety has got worse. Much worse. To the point where it's affecting his every day life again.

It'd taken years for JJ to get used to Harry's anxiety. And to help him with it. To know what he needs, when he needs it.

It had been at a manageable level for about six months before the incident.

Harry had grown in character and self confidence so much. JJ thought it was beautiful, to see his boyfriend be so relaxed in situations that would normally make him unbearably anxious. He was able to be himself; unrefined, with as little anxiety as possible.

But now, he's backtracked so much.

Can't get public transport, at least not alone. Hates going into shops. Constantly, JJ can see him glancing around the room, watching the people around them, waiting for someone to make a move against him.

Tight posture.

Wary expression.

JJ hates to see it. Especially when Harry had come on so much.

He's started self harming again too.

Seems to think that JJ hasn't noticed. But he has.

Just doesn't want to risk making Harry upset by bringing it up.

Monitors the amount of cuts he sees on his boyfriend's forearms, and how deep they are. Can't really do much more than that.

Harry's body has changed in other ways as well.

But not in any way that JJ had originally expected.

See, Harry's been on testosterone for just over a year now, and JJ doesn't think that it's what is causing the changes to his boyfriend's body.

Harry's put on weight. Even though he barely eats now.

He's always had a softer appearance to his body, but now, it seems like he's actually gaining weight. Especially around his stomach.

JJ's certain that's not a side effect of testosterone.

He wishes he knew why all of these changes were happening.

So he could help Harry get better again.

Bring back that happy, carefree boy. The one who falls off roofs, and scares JJ half to death. The one that will happily go on and on about random facts that he's learnt over breakfast. The one who can't contain himself from smiling and laughing at almost everything.

He wants his boyfriend back.

-

Two months today.

And JJ is awoken yet again, to find Harry not there beside him.

Sighs, because he knows already where he'll find his boyfriend.

Slowly gets up, stretching, and then goes to the en-suite.

Finds Harry, as he knew he would, sat on the floor. Panting lightly, the stench of vomit filling the room.

"Oh, baby," JJ murmurs, kneeling beside Harry, and wrapping an arm around his shoulders.

Harry collapses instantly.

Sobbing quietly, trying to suppress it as he pushes his face into JJ's chest. Doesn't want to show weakness, but can't help himself. JJ just pulls him closer, wrapping his arms more tightly around the smaller.

"I'm s-sorry, Jay," he whimpers through the tears, wrapping his arms around JJ's waist. JJ shushes him, carding his hand gently through damp hair.

But then feels something clenched tightly in Harry's hand. It's pressing into his back, and even if he can't see what it is, it gives him a sinking feeling.

"Harry, what've you got?" JJ asks gently, unable to refrain. He needs to know now.

"I love you, JJ, I'm so sorry," Harry says, before choking out a fresh wave of tears.

JJ's starting to get worried now. Really worried.

"Baby, why'd you keep saying sorry?" He whispers. "You haven't done anything."

"You'll hate me!" Harry wails, pressing himself closer to JJ. "You'll leave me. It wasn't my fault, though, I swear Jay."

"Haz, I need you to tell me what's happening," JJ says calmly, finally starting to understand the true gravity of the situation at hand.

Instead of responding, Harry just brings one hand round from JJ's back. Presses the item he was holding into JJ's hand.

A pregnancy test.

Used, with two lines present on the display.

"Harry-"

"I'm pregnant, JJ," Harry murmurs quietly, seeming to be so scared he's forgotten about crying.

JJ stays quiet, allowing himself to process this information. He'd had a hunch that his boyfriend had somehow got pregnant, but hearing it stated as a fact is something else entirely. Seeing the test that backs up Harry's words makes him feel sick.

Because he knows it wasn't him that did it.

He's always careful, makes sure to wear protection no matter what. Because he knew how much it would distress Harry if he accidentally got pregnant.

So, whoever did this, must have either not known it was possible for him to get pregnant, or cared enough about Harry's well being, and emotional state.

And that's what pisses JJ off the most.

"Who was it?" JJ asks, voice surprisingly calm despite the anger he feels.

"I don't know, JJ," Harry says shakily. In the same quiet, timid voice. "I never saw his face. That night, at the bar, I was raped. I didn't want to tell you, because I thought I was making a big deal out of nothing, and that it'd just be okay if I ignored it. Pretended it didn't happen. But it's not. JJ, it's not okay."

"Harry, baby, there's nothing weak about admitting to something like this. Hell, if you'd told me sooner, I could have helped you!" JJ says his voice raising slightly, and Harry stiffens at his tone. "I'm sorry, it's just- I worry about you, okay? I love you. I need you to feel like you can tell me these things."

"I was worried you'd think it was my fault, and leave me," Harry says, his voice wavering slightly again. JJ holds him tighter.

"Listen to me, because this is important. It's not your fault," JJ says sternly, placing the test on the floor in favour of returning his hand to Harry's hair. "And I'd never leave you over something like this. Your problems are my problems, I'm going to help you through this."

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a.n: hey guys, finished this chapter way quicker than i thought, which is good

i know this is quite intense, especially since i haven't uploaded in a while, so apologies for that. ya boi just wanted some angst

there should be either one or two more chapters of this out soon, so stay tuned

also, once i've finished this, i'll be moving on to requests, so anyone who's put in requests, don't worry, i haven't forgotten, and they should (hopefully) be out in the near future :)

~ Oscar