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WARNING: This chapter contains grief.

Violet POV: - eight years ago

This is the last page of my notebook.

Closing another chapter is always painful. No one ever really wants to say goodbye.

It's in our human nature to become attached to things. To dread that eerie, unknown called 'The End.'

To me, 'the end' means darkness, and I've always been afraid of the dark.

Therefore, I couldn't ever let myself reach it. Even something as simple as finishing up a notebook would have me running to fill the space, instantly trying to create that new beginning in a fresh set of pages all over again.

But, the older I get, the more I realize how silly our paranoid superstitions are.

New beginnings don't get rid of the darkness. They simply mask it for a time being, building up higher and higher, with the dreary shadowed doom to collapse one day.

The end is inevitable.

No matter how much we try to run from it, one day...it will always catch up.

Light as we know it is fabricated. It doesn't eliminate 'the end', but merely hides it for a short time.

Without darkness, we'd never even realize the light exists.

You were my light.

But, even the brightest flames fade over time.

I realize things are starting off on a dreary note, but letting go is never easy.

I miss you, mom.

You've left a space in my heart that nothing else can ever fill.

Though, delusions and denial made me believe something could. For a short time, anyways. Everyone has their coping mechanisms,right? Well, writing was mine.

Why?

Through personal experience, I've found that lonely people tend to have the biggest imaginations.

Usually, it's because they have to make their own sunshine during the storms, but enough with all these emo metaphors already...

I wrote to create my own light, because I was desperately lacking any source of it in my life.

Each scribble of my pen would give me you...whether it was imagining your smile as you read the words on my page. Your disciplinary shake of the head when I told you something I did wrong.

Even that little pondering hum you always made whenever I'd ask you for advice.

All of it gave me you.

Though you've never been able to write me back, so long as I could talk to you in my thoughts, I continued chasing the light.

Like a moth to a flame.

But, lately, I haven't wanted to admit to either of us...

That I only see the page when I write now. I only see my own words and hear my own voice in my head.

It's no longer yours.

I don't mean to sound bitter, and I don't blame you. It's just becoming very hard to explain my entire life to you through a page.

There aren't enough words to describe what it feels like to grow up. It's just something you need to see for yourself.

No matter how much I write on these pages, it won't ever replace you. So, I shouldn't keep trying.

Everyday, for two-and-a-half years, I've never stopped writing you letters.

But..

Sometimes...change is okay. It doesn't always mean the end.

Actually, it's how we grow. That's also something I've learned in the last few years.

I look forward to the day we meet again. Whether it's in the light or the darkness...

Today, 'the end' doesn't sound so bad.

"Until I see you again..." I breathed out softly, placing the final mark on the page.

There's no room left to write anything else.

I remained perched on the cushions of my windowsill, letting my head rest against the wall as I held the last letter up in the early evening sun.

Melancholy would be the best way to describe how I felt. Part of me feels a little emptier now that I've made the choice to stop writing letters to my mom.

But, the bigger part of me feels like I can finally breathe. Like there was a weight settled at the core of my chest, preventing me from moving on and being free.

Besides, as those Hallmark cards always say, it's not goodbye. Just...see you later.

Right?

I sighed softly and held the note carefully, hearing my phone ding.

Text Message From: Akio

On the way to pick you up for all-you-can-eat-buffet night. I wore the jacket with the big pockets for a reason. U BETTER DO THE SAME. I want to be DROWNING in those butter rolls by the time we're done...
4:47pm.

I chuckled at my best friend's words-yet, it really wasn't any laughing matter.

He's always been serious about those buffet butter rolls. Oof...

Taking one last look at my letter, I finally folded it and carefully slipped the page in the envelope, scribbling down the mailing address of the hero commission headquarters before hopping off my window perch.

The days are starting to blend.

They begin like any other, and end the same way they did the night before. The sun always rises and the moon always twinkles in the stars.

My body's slipped into a routine. This Tuesday was no different. It's been the same for a few months now. Wake up...see Touya...study...write to mom...put on my jacket with the big pockets and grab dinner with Akio.

It might be boring to some-when your life becomes a bit predictable and ordinary.

But, not me.

Because 'predictability' means stability, and that's something I haven't felt for a long time.

From the moment I arrived here, I always felt so lost. Not just about my role towards others, but also my own identity as well.

I always felt like something was missing.

But, lately, things have changed in a way I never imagined they would.

After two-and-a-half years of living at the Todoroki home, I finally feel like I belong here.

I can't say they feel like family-or, at least the blood-related kind, because that would be a lie.

But, somehow...in this discombobulated mess of Todoroki chaos, I've found a place to settle. Instead of always feeling like I'm in the way, I know how to move to the right space. It's no longer about me trying to mesh with everyone's dynamic-rather, they've all just adjusted their own way of living around mine.

Even Endeavor....errhh....to a point...

Regardless, I've finally found a place here that's just right for me.

Grabbing the jacket with the big pockets, I threw it over my shoulders and sauntered out of my room, checking the time on the wall clock as I went.

Should be 4:50pm if my day's been right on schedule.

4:50pm

I sighed in content at my accuracy, letting my eyes fall closed lazily as I walked down the hallway.

See? Stability. It's a beautiful thing.

Like I do every day at this time, I jumped up and tried to reach the top of the door threshold as I sauntered into the kitchen-still missing the bottom of it by half an inch.

"Y-Yeah! We should-totally hang out!" Fuyumi stuttered on the phone, tapping her fingers nervously on the counter. "My house?-NO!-I mean....eh...nah. How about yours?"

I smirked a bit smugly at her reddening face and frantic words, turning to Natsuo who was settled at the kitchen table.

"Is she talking to that guy from her class again?" I asked him, hearing Fuyumi shush me violently.

As if the boy would hear me from twenty feet away. Please!

"Yup." Natsuo mumbled uninterestedly, keeping his eyes on his laptop as he popped another grape into his mouth. "Hearing her trying to get a boyfriend is actually painful-ow!"

I jumped in surprise at the random, lone rice cake that hit his forehead, turning around and seeing Fuyumi's ears practically steaming with smoke.

"He's not my boyfriend!" She wheezed out quietly, un-cupping her hand from the phone's speaker to continue talking.

Natsuo and I looked at Fuyumi suspiciously, before back to each other with confirmation.

"Boyfriend." We chuckled simultaneously.

The younger Todoroki boy barely looked up at me now, snorting slightly at the jacket I had on.

"You're wearing that jacket again? Let me guess-it must be buffet night?"

"Mhm." I chirped proudly, setting my un-mailed letter on the table. "You know how seriously Akio takes his buffets. Wanna come?"

As if he'd been waiting for the invite, Natsuo immediately slammed his laptop closed, rubbing his tired eyes as he leaned back in his chair.

"Yes. The essay can wait." He groaned, scoffing as Fuyumi continued giggling on the phone. "Don't even bother inviting her. She's too in love to eat."

Glaring at the two of us for being so loud, Fuyumi traveled to the living room, still chatting away with her secret beau.

"Noted." I mused lightly, hearing Natsuo whine.

"Plus, it's been awhile since I've seen Akio. He's so busy now..."

I smiled happily at his words. Natsuo's always liked Akio quite a bit. I can tell he looks up to him in a way.

It's the same way he used to look up to Touya. Before their relationship went rather south...

"Akio's got a lot going on at Shiketsu now." I explained, lighting up at the chance to hype my best friend. "Top of his class. Popular-he even told me last week, a modeling agency also recruited him from the school. I'm surprised he still has time for me."

I'm extremely proud of him. Akio's comes a long way since I found him rotting away in that alley all that time ago.

Even through all of his newfound success, he's continued to treat the title of 'best friend' better than I could have ever imagined.

Though, if the day ever comes where he finally loses touch with me, I'll be sad. But, I'll understand. I'd never want to hold him back from anything. I just want the best for him.

Truly, I want him to succeed. Even if it means I'm not supposed to be at his side.

Sighing softly, I looked around the room, noticing a certain someone missing.

Come to think of it, I haven't seen him all day.

"Maybe Touya wants to come with us." I pried as casually as possible. "Where is he, anyways?"

"Shower." Natsuo said blandly of my curiosity. "He trained early today cause he knew you'd want to go grab dinner tonight."

The words instantly caught my attention.

"He did...?" I breathed out a bit touched, trying to conceal my smile.

It's unlike Touya to go out of his way for anyone. The fact that he remembered my Tuesday rituals-and even rearranged his schedule to ensure he'd make it...

Well, he's also come a long way in these last few years.

The smile on my face grew unwillingly bigger at my own giddy thoughts-however, the moment was quickly melted into liquid crap when a new person entered the room.

"Customer service representative." Endeavor rehearsed to his phone, storming into the kitchen.

"I am sorry. I do not understand. Please try again." The automated voice on his speaker phone said, causing the big man to growl as he opened the fridge.

"Customer. Service. Representative." He practically spat out into the speaker, looking down at his phone as if it were an actual person.

The phone went silent for a moment, before a happy ding was heard.

"Please hold. Your call is very important to us." The automated voice said, causing Endeavor to sigh in relief before the next words were spoken. "You are currently number 74 in line."

I cringed slightly at his luck, watching his entire face erupt into flames as if the bank's customer service line was the most dangerous villain of them all.

Just the number two hero doing normal people things...

"74?? You'd think fraud on the number two hero's credit card would be more urgent than this!" He yelled over the cheerful elevator music. "I wanna speak to the damn manage-"

"All managers are currently busy assisting other customers." The automated voice cut him off almost too coincidental, making the moment feel more personal.

He slammed his phone on the counter with a growl, letting the groovy elevator music continue as he filled a glass with water.

Natsuo and I remained quiet at the kitchen table, with me making the mistake of slowly peering over to Mr. Todoroki at the counter.

I screamed internally when I saw he was already glaring at me as he drank his water, causing me to hold in a peep and quickly face forward again.

"Why are you always wearing that big coat? It's not that cold outside yet." He narrowed his eyes at me suspiciously, causing the back of my neck to start sweating.

The hoarding of the butter biscuits isn't really his business!

"What!? Oh-coat!!" I babbled instantly, continuing to look at the wall with a nervous chuckle. "Well-um-the forecast predicted rain tonight. I'm just being prepared!"

"Prepared for what? Where are you going?" He questioned, before remembering something. "Don't you start work at the Ice Cream Shoppe tomorrow? You're not allowed to be out later than 10, do you understand?"

My brows furrowed slightly in surprise, looking around as if he was talking to someone else.

Endeavor hasn't ever taken an interest in anything I do. Heck, he hasn't spoken more than ten words to me in the few years I've been here.

And, while his words seemed like more of a demand than a care, I guess I'm just surprised he remembered something about me. Especially because I only told Fuyumi about my new job during dinner one day-just in passing!

It might be irritating to some. But, that's the first time he's really acknowledged me.

"Yes sir!" I bowed respectfully, trying to conceal the small smile tugging at my lips.

He grunted like he was still suspicious of my intentions, but let it go when Fuyumi's loud giggle from the sofa caught everyone's attention.

"No, you hang up first-" She murmured, unaware of the watching eyes she now had on her. "No, you do it. No-youuu-"

"I'll do it if you don't get off that damn phone." Endeavor said through grit teeth, causing Fuyumi's eyes to widen in panic.

Immediately she sat up straight on the couch and practically threw her phone to the floor, trying to hide her reddening cheeks behind her hand.

"D-Dad!? I didn't think you were home-you always train Shouto at this time!" She exclaimed, causing the man to growl at the inconvenient reminder.

"And I plan to. But, some lowlife with the last name Takami thought it would be funny to order 53 cases of corn on my credit card, and I demand to get to the bottom of it." He seethed out, gliding his glaring eyes back over to Fuyumi. "Who were you talking to on the phone?"

The hair on her head practically flew off her body in panic at Mr. Todoroki's question.

"W-What?" She babbled to stall time, looking over at Natsuo and I for help. "It was...well-it was..."

I cringed softly with a lack of excuse to help her, deciding to chicken out and avoid eye contact instead.

It was a lucky coincidence when I saw the mailman walking over to the Todoroki mailbox now, gasping as I quickly glanced at the clock on the wall.

4:55pm.

Of course! The same time the mailman comes everyday. It's all part of my schedule.

Though, I suppose that after today...when I mail my final letter...I'll need something new to fill this space until mom comes back.

I swallowed heavily at the thoughts, trying to remind myself of what I wrote in my letter.

Change is part of growth.

It's time to move forward.

Sniffling softly, I smiled and grabbed the letter off the table, turning to Natsuo as the yelling between Mr. Todoroki and Fuyumi continued. "I'll be right back."

The late summer breeze hit my face when I threw the front door open. Though, I suppose it couldn't even be called summer at all anymore. The temperature had become just a bit too sharp and brisk for that, even if the leaves hadn't changed yet.

The air was also much drier.

Quickly, I descended the steps of the front porch and ran over to the mailbox, waving my hand around so the mailman would see me.

He looked up and recognized me instantly, greeting me with that familiar smile I've come to know. "Ms. Sasaki! I was wondering if I'd see your face tonight."

It's been the same mailman for these past few years. In the beginning, I'd ask him everyday if there was something for me. I don't remember the point when I stopped asking that.

Instead, I never expect anything anymore. I simply want to catch him to ensure my letter gets mailed quickly.

"Hi, Mr. Yamato." I grinned when I reached the mailbox, huffing a bit from the pointless run I made over here. "Almost missed you actually. Fuyumi got a boyfriend!"

The old man let his jaw drop playfully at the scandal, continuing to place Endeavor's fan letters and bills into the mailbox.

"Well, my goodness. You better make sure he treats her right." He wagged his wrinkly finger, causing me to giggle softly.

"I definitely will." I mused, digging my fingers into the last letter gently.

With a heavy sigh, I finally braced myself and extended it in his direction, causing him to stop putting the mail in the box and look over.

"This is gonna be my last one for awhile." My voice uttered a bit unevenly, causing me to bite down on my lip to stop from crying.

In silence, he slowly took the letter from my hand, looking at it in thought.

Mr. Yamato's always been an empathetic old man. He's no stranger to loss, having lost his wife a few years back.

So, I was surprised when he didn't immediately put the letter in his bag the way he always does-slowly breaking out into a small smile instead.

"It would be a shame to give up now, don't you think?" He said lightly, slowly rummaging around in his mail bag.

His hands curled around a package a few moments later, looking back at me as if he was Santa Claus himself with the greatest gift. "Especially, because she's finally replied to you."

What?

My blood froze as the mailman slowly lifted the package out of the bag, holding it up in front of me with as much grandness as his weak muscles could muster.

I couldn't even take it from his old, shaky hands-only able to stare at it with my jaw slightly dropped.

Surely, I must be dreaming.

No. Seriously. I've dreamed of this day in my head for years. The day I'd finally hear from my mom again. The day all my waiting and hoping would finally pay off.

Truly, I can't believe it.

Sensing my shell shock, the old man laughed happily, setting the large sized box down on the ground with fragility.

"There's also a letter for you along with the gift." He said excitedly, placing the letter atop the package. "If I wasn't running late on my mail route, I'd sit and look at it with you."

My breath stuttered when I got a look at the letter, feeling tears of joy instantly cloud my eyes at the sight.

In my mom's handwriting, the front of the envelope read...

To: Ms. Violet Sasaki :)

Mr. Yamato gave my head a small pat upon seeing me emotional, finally closing the Todoroki mailbox before giving me a wave. "I expect a full report tomorrow. Okay?"

Finally getting some movement back in my paralyzed muscles, I sniffled and nodded, waving him off as he went.

In silence, I stared at the letter and package for a few moments, trying to absorb the reality I thought was so far out of my reach.

She's alive. Mom's alive.

Not only that...

But, if she's finally at a place where she could send me a letter back, maybe it means she's coming home soon.

Chuckling tearfully, I quickly dropped to my knees on the grass and hugged the box tightly in my arms as if I was hugging the woman herself.

I couldn't even make myself bring it to the front door. I need to open it now. I need to see what she sent.

With a grin as wide as the perimeter of my face, I instantly tore through the packing tape on the top of the box, wrestling it open with more eagerness than I've done for anything.

I felt like a little kid on their birthday as I opened up the cardboard, seeing a piece of paper sitting at the very top.

But, what was underneath the paper caught my attention first, causing me to quickly move the slip out of the way and cry excitedly at the sight.

It was a duffel bag, but not just any kind. It was the one my mom always brought to work. She'd put her hero suit in it and drop it off in her locker room at the HPSC Headquarters everyday.

I know because she let me come to work a few times. She even had it slung over her shoulder on the last day I saw her.

If it's here now, it can only mean she either found a way to send it back. Or...

She's back right now-oh my-what if this is all part of the surprise? What if she's hiding behind one of the trees as we speak?! Waiting for me to realize what was happening!?

Mom's always been creative with surprises. There wasn't ever a dull moment with her around.

My heart began to race in excitement at the thoughts, my happy tears choking up my throat as I grabbed onto the duffel bag.

Upon lifting it from the box, I noticed it was somewhat heavy, causing me to place it on the grass and slowly unzip it.

Hints of her perfume still lingered on the material slightly, giving me a rush of nostalgia as I began rummaging through the bag.

The first thing I pulled out was a bright, silver gauntlet-the exact one from her hero suit, to be exact. She always wears two around her wrists, but there seems to be only one.

When I was a little girl, I always used to wear her gauntlets like bracelets and pretend I was a hero just like her. Though, I was always too young for them to ever fit properly.

I've grown much older now though.

Pressing my lips together, I slowly slipped my fingers through the brace for the first time in years-gasping when the material fit perfectly around my wrist.

My jaw dropped in awe as I extended my hand and admired the shiny gauntlet, slowly removing it before continuing to look through the bag.

A paper dove came next. Definitely made by my mom. She loved origami.

Upon inspecting the dove in my hands, I smiled softly at the small handwriting at the bottom. Once again, also written by my mom.

Our first Christmas apart (and hopefully our last). The best present I can make for now. If only I could give it to you, Violet. I love you.

"I love you, too." I smiled, speaking loud enough in case she was somewhere behind me watching this play out.

With shaky hands of excitement, I carefully placed the paper dove on the grass and continued rummaging, seeing a folded, white fabric inside.

Upon getting my fingers around it, I gathered it was her hero suit now, pulling out the item before unfolding it.

This is her backup suit. I can tell because the stitching on the sides is a little different from the original...

There was nothing else in the bag.

I furrowed my brows a bit at the odd mix of items and waited to see if she would come out from her hiding place, looking around the empty yard when she didn't.

Silence was the only thing I received in return, hearing the leaves rustling softly with their own tune.

I was still alone.

Slowly peering back over to the cardboard package the duffel came in, I realized there was still more stuff inside.

Ah. That's it.

I must have not finished her surprises, yet!

With the smile halfway curling back on my face, I slid the opened box back over to me and reached inside, pulling out an envelope.

Actually, it was a letter, to be exact. A stack of letters-a lot of letters. More than my hand could grab at a first, second, or even third scoop.

"Oh..." I murmured lightly, grabbing handfuls of letters and placing them on the grass.

At first, I thought maybe these were all the letters she wrote. The ones I never got a chance to read because she wasn't in a place where she could mail them.

And then I got a look at the envelope...

...seeing my own handwriting on the page.

To: The Hero Commission Headquarters of Japan
Recipient: Carla Sasaki
Sender: Violet Sasaki

Huh...?

But, that wasn't even what really shook me. It was that gigantic red stamp imprinted across the middle of the envelope that did it...

RETURN TO SENDER

"Return to sender...?" I mumbled, flipping the letter over to see it was completely unopened.

That...can't be right.

A little more confused, I placed the letter down on the grass, quickly sorting through the countless remaining ones.

All of them...

...were the same.

Return to sender...

Return to sender...

Return to-

"I don't..." I breathed out deflated, feeling my throat starting to choke up at the realization. "...understand..."

Mom didn't get to read any of my letters?

She didn't get to hear about my first birthday without her? Or the moment I realized I had my first crush on a boy?

She never heard about that nightmare I kept having last summer? Or how I discovered oranges had become my new favorite fruit?

Most of all though...

She never heard about how much I missed her? How much I loved her and wished everyday she'd come home?

How can that be...

I heard my breaths becoming short as I dug through the pile of letters even faster, desperately looking for a sign that even a single one had been opened.

One. Just one.

Please tell me she read one...

After the thoughts I'd just had with myself in the house, I'm not sure why this sudden revelation surprises me-or, hurts me so much, for that matter.

I just admitted to myself a few minutes ago that I had a feeling mom wasn't getting my letters. I'd just talked myself into moving on from it and living freely.

But, now that I know it's actually happened...

I guess it's different when your dreadful fears are proven right.

Talking a big game is easy with anything, until that moment actually comes true.

No amount of talk can prepare you for truly facing your worst fears.

Before this moment, I didn't really know if mom had been reading my letters. I assumed she wasn't for a few reasons. One was bitterness, even if I tried to convince myself it wasn't. She hasn't been around lately, and while I know that's not her fault, it doesn't change the fact that she's missed some of the most important years of my life.

She just had to go and save the world. She couldn't even bother to just sit down and be a mom for a little while.

Another reason was fear of the unknown.

In the back of my mind, I didn't really want to think about the idea of mom being unable to read my letters. Not only did it hurt my feelings, but it brought other questions as to why she couldn't.

I never wanted to think about the possibility of what could have happened to her. Mom was always invincible in my eyes, and by moving on and sweeping everything under the rug, I wouldn't have to think about those intrusive...dreadful...what-ifs...

Moving on-or-forgetting, I should say-discontinuing writing my letters to her was a way to run away from my worst fears. A way to avoid the truth.

Because the truth is the most terrifying monster of all. It's unforgiving. More powerful than anything else in this world.

It never minces words or spares feelings, no matter how brutal the revelation, or how fragile the person.

My lip began to quiver softly as I frantically sorted through all my pointless letters on the grass, suddenly despising the sight of my own writing on the envelopes.

A small whimper of frustration burned in my throat as I took the cardboard package and dumped the box upside down now, watching the remainder of all my useless letters spill out onto the grass.

All of them...

...every single one....

Unopened.

My teeth ground together aggressively as I threw the empty box with a yell, suddenly registering how fast my heart had been beating.

I clutched my pounding chest and sat back on my haunches now, struggling to breathe from the new tightness in my chest.

What's happening...

The world slowly began to spin as I wiped my sweaty face. A sense of fear seeped into my veins as control slipped from my grasp.

Suddenly...I feel panicked because...

If mom didn't read my letters, then where is she?

Black dots danced in my vision as I looked around at the mess of items I'd scattered on the grass, searching for anything I could to ground myself from the increasing panic building in my system.

Only then did my eyes catch sight of the little note-the one the hero commission sent in the box. It was resting on the very top of all the items in the package. But, I was so excited to see my mom's stuff, I never read it.

With shaky hands, I slowly grabbed the note, glazing over the words dreadfully...

To The Sasaki Family,

The Hero Public Safety Commission regrets to inform you that The Number Three Hero, Carla Sasaki, has officially been declared deceased.

After an undercover, extensive search party from the HPSC special forces this month, Ms. Sasaki's items were discovered a few miles from her last (publicly undisclosed) location.
Unfortunately, Sasaki's body was unable to be retrieved. But, the evidence found in the area (including blood samples, destruction forces, traces of foul play, etc.), give us no reason to continue our search any further.

The items found at the scene have been returned to the family, and include - a black athletic bag, a single pressure gauntlet (Sasaki's combat support item), and a folded piece of paper with writing at the bottom.
An envelope was also recovered from the bag, addressed to Violet Sasaki. It has not been opened by officials out of respect for the family.

Carla Sasaki's murder remains unsolved. The Hero Public Safety Commission honorably volunteers to take care of funeral arrangements and other resources the family may need.

HPSC President - Diane Himura.

I said nothing as I stared at the contents of the note, feeling like an outsider in my own body.

The breeze continued to flow softly in the early evening, tickling the tip of my nose and making the letter waver softly in my hold.

The birds stopped chirping. The leaves stopped rustling.

Never has silence felt so incredibly loud.

Never has my entire perspective on the world shifted so fast.

Just like that, four lines on a page determine the rest of my life.

Nothing felt real. Not even my own existence. Nothing that I've done.

Even continuing to stare at the note began to feel like some sort of hallucination after a few minutes. The words looked fake on the page. I'd looked at them so long, they didn't look like words at all anymore, just a bunch of random, foreign scribbles on lines.

I prefer it that way, anyways. I don't want to have the capacity to read it again.

I don't need to. Even if I couldn't think anymore, I knew what the note said.

Mom is dead. She's gone. In the blink of an eye.

My eyes went vacant, unable to process what I was staring at as I continued to hold the note.

I feel calm, but maybe that's not the right word.

As emotional of a person as I've always been, this is the first time in my life that I can't cry.

Not because it doesn't hurt me. Past the shell shocked numbness, I am well aware there is nothing in my life that has ever hurt so much.

No. I've checked out. That's the best way I can explain it. Mentally, I've checked out, because I know that if I come back to reality, I'll have to face it and everything that comes with it.

Grief is scary. Possibly, even more scary than death itself.

My distant psyche protected me from it all, as I remained kneeling on the grass in a daze.

I felt catatonic. My muscles felt rigid, as even the simple act of gripping the letter started to feel numb.

The memories of her-of us couldn't even play in my head. In this moment, I'd somehow managed to forget every single one. I'd forgotten everything about anything, surprised I was still able to breathe and survive.

It was a moment of silence, but not a welcomed one. Just another way for the pain to try and penetrate the paralyzed cells of my brain.

Not a single word was said from my mouth. Not a single emotion showed on my face. I didn't even have a thought.

I just remained kneeling on the grass with the letter in my hand, waiting for something. Anything.

What was I waiting for?

I don't really know anymore. I've always been so used to waiting, so I guess it's just become a habit.

But, there's nothing left to wait for now.

...no one left.

This letter from the hero commission....was addressed to the Sasaki family.

But...

That 'family' only consists of a single person now.

Me.

I have...no one left. No more blood.

This is the first time....I'm truly alone.

My vision closed in like a tunnel as the reality slowly started to hit me. I no longer felt like myself or a living human being at all, letting the note finally fall from my clamped fingers and onto the grass.

Mom's items and my own letters remained scattered around me on the ground, yet I slowly rose to my feet...dazedly walking away from all of it as if it never happened.

I can't think. Where am I even going?

Where is there left to go?

I didn't know and I didn't care, letting my feet go on autopilot and find their own path.

It wasn't until I was robotically walking back up the steps to the porch that I realized I was going back inside the Todoroki home.

Before I went outside, everything had been great.

Now, coming back inside just a few minutes later, my entire life has changed. The colors had faded into black and white. The smell of Fuyumi's freshly baked cookies no longer felt appetizing and inviting, but rather disgusting and nauseating.

The yells between her and Mr. Todoroki about her new beau hadn't ceased since I walked outside, but instead of finding interest in them like I did before, their voices came out fuzzy like I was underwater. I couldn't process what they were saying anymore as I slowly trudged through the kitchen.

Instead of being at the table like he was before, Natsuo now had his head wedged in the open fridge, humming to himself softly as he searched for another snack.

See? They all belong here. Even if things are rocky, even if they are miserable most of the time...they all fit in somehow. They have each other. They're blood...

They're all....a family.

Without a single emotion on my face, I walked past the kitchen and into the empty hallway, feeling the darkness of the shadows consume me.

The narrow hallway tightened even more behind my hallucinating vision, suddenly making me feel crushed between the two sides. It squeezed the remaining air from my lungs, causing my head to start spinning violently.

Grief began to stir in my system as I stumbled further into the dark hallway. This isn't the first time I lost a parent. My dad was sick for a few years, and yes, that doesn't make the grief any easier.

But, at least that time...I wasn't going through it alone. At least I still had her.

My shaky arms came around my own frame, but it felt nothing like mom's touch, causing the stutter in my throat to bring me out of my daze slightly.

I'll never get to hear her voice again, or feel her hugs.

The cold sweat trickled steadily down my neck now, causing an uncontrollable shiver to run down my spine.

She'll never tell me that everything's going to be okay...or even see me grow up.

Stop. It's too much. I don't want to come back and face it.

Please stop.

Trying to keep my head vacant, I closed my eyes and tripped sideways into the wall.

I let my head fall back against it as walking soon became too much, not even remembering the direction I was going as dizzying hysteria slowly forced its way in.

I'm sweaty. Hot. Nauseous...

But, mostly I feel scared of everything.

Past. Present. Future. It doesn't matter. Having to exist alone is terrifying. Too terrifying.

I want to run. I need to run.

My muscles began to shake as I peeled myself off the wall a little more frantically now, losing my sense as I blindly started stumbling down the hallway.

I didn't get more than a few steps before I felt a tight grip on my wrist slow me down. The touch shattered my catatonic haze, only now feeling the grief crash into me and drown me under its wave.

A devastated whimper wrenched from my throat, feeling my body hunch over with the intent to collapse.

But, I never made it to the ground as an arm quickly anchored itself under my stomach to hold me up, feeling their other hand come around my back.

"Grape! Hey! Grape! Look at me-Violet!" Touya said in a panic, trying to lift me back up to standing.

I felt too dizzy and sick to my stomach to do that, fighting his pull and trying to curl into myself even tighter.

"P-Please...let go of me. I-I'm...I'm gonna be sick." I heaved, feeling the bile souring the back of my mouth.

But, that didn't deter Touya as he gently rubbed my sweaty back, keeping a tight hold on me as he slowly walked us forward.

"What?!-That's-shit-okay, that's fine!" He tried to stay calm. "Here, I'm, uhh-I'm taking you to the bathroom-"

"No, I...I wanna be alone." I protested weakly, feeling one of my legs give out from under me.

Touya tightened his hold around my stomach now, lifting one of my arms around his shoulder for better support.

I'm sure my words probably concerned him. Never in the two-and-half years that I've known him have I ever told him to basically leave me alone.

And, while he didn't know what I'd just found out, he tried to support my boundaries.

"O..Okay, I understand." He coaxed, kicking the door of the bathroom open. "Let me just...help you first-and then I'll let you be alone. Alright?"

I couldn't even answer him, as the next thing to leave my mouth was vomit, projecting it violently and barely making it in the toilet.

I collapsed to my knees in front of the bowl, gripping the sides of it as my stomach violently wretched all of its contents.

I've always hated throwing up. But, right now, I don't even care.

Touya settled behind me quickly, grabbing my hair at both sides, before holding it in a loose, makeshift ponytail.

"There you go. Get it all out. Definitely don't wanna keep all that shit inside you." He murmured softly, continuing to glide his hand up and down my back. "Look, I know you hate throwing up. But, I'm here, alright? You're not alone, so don't worry about that."

A strained cry made its way in between my vomiting, feeling a whole new meaning behind his words.

Because, even with Touya here, right now I feel alone. I feel lost. Hopeless.

There's nothing that could ever make me feel better. Nothing.

Thinking I was crying from the puke, Touya rested his forehead against my back as I continued to get sick repeatedly, ensuring loose strands of my hair didn't sneak into my line of fire.

"Probably just caught a stomach bug, or something. Those don't last too long." He tried to comfort. "I knew we shouldn't have let Natsuo make dinner for the first time last night."

I cried loudly from his words, wishing I had food poisoning. Anything would be less painful.

My body continued to dry heave once I had nothing left in my stomach, morphing with my cries and sending me into a spiral.

I collapsed to the side now, falling onto the bathroom floor as I started to sob steadily.

Touya flushed the toilet for me, standing up before quickly wetting a washcloth with warm water.

"Grape. Hey, Grape. Come here, sit up for a second." He murmured with more concern, sliding a hand underneath my cheek that was pressed to the bathroom floor.

He ran the damp cloth around my mouth and chin to clean the mess I'd made, gathering up every bit of it without an ounce of disgust.

Once he was done, he threw the cloth in the dirty bin and washed his hands.

And, as much as I told him to leave me alone a few moments ago, suddenly the idea of him ever leaving me again only made me sob louder.

I reached my hand out in shaky panic from the floor, unable to even open my eyes and look at him.

"W-W-Wait...I'm sorry.....don't.....please.....don't go..." I whimpered out uncontrollably, feeling Touya's hand intertwine with my own almost instantly.

He used the grip to pull my body up to sitting, situating himself on the floor before pulling my frame into his arms.

Instantly, I gripped onto his shirt, burying my face into his neck and wetting his skin with my tears.

And, while I said earlier that nothing could make me feel better, Touya's presence gave me a sense of comfort I didn't know I was needing.

"Shhh." He coaxed my cries softly, wrapping his arms tightly around me. "I'm not gonna leave you."

As much of a mess as I was, his warmth brought me comfort, causing me to burrow myself against him impossibly closer.

"Everyone leaves..." I breathed out, balling his shirt in my fists. "Everyone always leaves."

He rested his cheek against my head, shaking it softly before turning his lips to my forehead.

"I'll never leave you." He whispered against my skin, burying his hand in the back of my hair.

His words made me cry harder. While he might not have realized it, this was a pivotal moment of my life. Everything that happened next would determine the person I become from this point forward.

I still feel lost. But, with Touya by my side, I believe I'll still be able to find my way back.

He's my anchor. My light.

His heart beat calmly in his chest, serving as a reminder for my own that was pounding erratically.

His breath was steady and strong, causing my own lungs to slowly open back up and remember how to work.

Most of all, his touch kept me grounded. Each drag of his fingers up my spine brought me comfort. Each glide down to my lower back gave me ease.

While I kept a tight grip on his shirt, my body slowly started coming down from its hysteria with his help, mindlessly matching my own functions to the pace of his.

"That's it." He whispered when he felt me calming down, encouraging me to breathe with his next exaggerated inhale. "I'm here. I'm not going anywhere."

What a change Touya Todoroki has had in these last few years. If you told me this was where we'd be during our first meeting, I never would have believed you.

But, I'm glad I was wrong. I wouldn't have survived without him. I needed him.

And, I think that...deep down....maybe he needed me, too.

I smushed my teary face into his neck, keeping my eyes closed and focusing on his touches. His warmth. His scent.

"Do you promise?" My voice came out strained, sounding swollen and beaten from crying.

Without hesitation, he answered.

"I promise."

He's never sounded more genuine about anything. More certain and sure of himself.

Slowly, my body returned to calmness. My muscles gave out completely as I melted into him, feeling Touya's hold supporting me from drowning in myself.

We sat on the bathroom floor without a word, but none were needed anyways.

Words aren't always needed. Sometimes, just being there is enough.

And he was there. Touya's here, and he has been for a long time. Even if our first meeting started off rocky, he's only grown since then, turning into this amazing person.

Actually, he's always been that person. But, now, he's able to openly show it more.

A few heartbeats passed before he finally spoke, keeping his words soft to ensure he didn't break my fragile state.

"Gonna tell me what happened, Grape?"

His tone alone was enough to make me choke up again. Simply envisioning speaking it aloud felt impossible.

Because then it was real.

Even if mom is dead, she's still alive in Touya's eyes-in everyone else's eyes, even for a short time.

I want to savor that while I can.

"I don't want to say it out loud yet, because then...it's too real." I whispered, feeling his fingers gently scratching through my scalp.

He nodded softly in understanding. I felt thankful when he didn't pry any further. "Okay. Don't force yourself then."

My lungs felt sore as I took a big breath of relief for having these few last moments of normalcy. Before the pitiful 'I'm sorry for your loss' sentiments would begin. Before I would become the girl with two dead parents.

Slowly, my iron grip fingers uncurled around Touya's shirt, letting myself melt into him for relaxation rather than the grief that would continue the moment we left this room.

"Tell me something good instead." I murmured, letting my lips curl softly with the fantasies.

Touya went silent in thought for a few moments, furrowing his brows and scrunching his mouth as he tried to think of something.

He's not used to this.

"I don't know a lot of good things, to be honest." He shrugged. "You're the one always saying I'm a pessimist."

I laughed weakly and peeled myself away from his neck...letting my head lull onto his shoulder instead.

He slowly turned his face into mine, watching in deep silence as my bloodshot eyes fell closed.

"I don't think I blame you for being a pessimist anymore, Touya. The world...is a horrible place." I sighed plainly.

My intentions weren't to have a pity party, or to pout. I said it as a fact now, more than anything else.

And, I figured since Touya was a pessimist himself, he'd agree with me.

I couldn't have been more wrong.

He scoffed in denial to my words, yet I could hear the bits of concern that laced his tone.

Concern for me.

"Nah, don't start that emo shit with me. That's my job." He mused softly, trying to downplay his worry for my spiraling well being. "Not yours."

He waited for me to agree, only opening his true thoughts to me further when I didn't.

"Your job...is to see the good. For both of us." He admitted. "It's the only way I know it's out there."

"Really?"

"Mhm."

I sniffled softly, unable to ignore the growing hole in my chest.

I'm not used to feeling so hopeless. Touya's not used to seeing me like this either-let alone, having to be the one to lift things up and make them bright.

"What if...there's just no more good left?" I muttered barely audible, pressing my quivering lips together.

Deep down, I felt bad for throwing all these difficult questions at him. I wasn't trying to stump him, or make him join my depression.

I was just lost. Looking for any sort of answers to anything.

Though, he didn't seem to have a difficult time finding an answer now.

"There is good left." He said confidently, giving his head a knowing shake.

"How can you be so sure?"

"You're here." He followed up instantly, speaking more openly than he ever has. "So long as you are, I know the good isn't gone."

My eyes slowly peeled open upon hearing his words, wondering why I was able to absorb them but nothing else around me.

Not only did I absorb them. I clung to them like a lifeline. Like they were the only thing that would stop me from drowning.

I began to feel emotional again. But, this time, it wasn't just because of my mom.

It was because of my feelings for Touya. Feelings the world would tell me I'm too young to really understand. Feelings that terrify me because everytime I get these exact ones, the person always disappears.

Feelings that instantly reached an all time high in my heart at this moment, wishing I could be closer to him even if we're already pressed to each other. Where the simple feeling of his warmth under my fingertips overwhelms me in the best way.

Knowing that I need him in my life. And that if there ever comes a time he leaves it, a part of me will die.

I know what the feeling is called.

Despite what the world thinks, you're never too young to understand love. Those who tell you are simply showing they never experienced it themselves.

Because...when you feel it...you just know. There's no question or wonder about it.

Love never holds uncertainty.

I sighed heavily as a few stray tears escaped past my lids, causing Touya's eyes to find mine.

They're a lighter shade of blue. I don't know why. Maybe his pain makes them darker. Maybe right now, he's not so weighed down with anguish.

I saw my eyes in his own, and I'm not talking about my reflection.

The feeling. The love. I see it in him.

"I don't deserve you." I whimpered softly, watching him instantly shake his head in denial.

"That's not true at all." He wiped my tears, catching each one with his thumb before it stained my cheeks.

"I mean it, Touya."

"So do I."

I smiled sadly and snaked my arms around his neck now, pulling him in for an actual hug.

He exhaled heavily as if he could finally breathe again, curling his arms tightly around my back.

Touya has always been a very emotional person. It's something he's always been ashamed of, because everyone made him ashamed of it.

But, emotions are beautiful and feeling them so strongly the way Touya does? It's surreal to watch. To feel.

Everything centers from his heart. Sometimes, this creates quite a lot of pain in his life, but what about the times he's at peace? What about the times he embraces it instead of fights against it?

He feels everything to the absolute limit. Everything. What's felt by a normal person is concentrated an infinite amount in Touya's soul, overwhelming his senses until he's completely lost in it.

Love is no exception.

I felt it now as Touya hugged me tightly, hearing him breathe deeply again with a more wavering tune.

His heart was unraveling itself for me right before my very eyes as he pulled me impossibly closer, digging his fingers into my shoulders as if there wasn't ever enough of this.

And there isn't. Love stems from the soul, and as beautiful as it is, it's greedy. It can't ever be satisfied.

Because the body is just the shell that separates two souls.

"O-Oh god..." He stuttered breathlessly, smushing his cheek against my own to feel my warmth.

His fingers dug more frantically through my hair, his heart full as he let out a soft laugh.

Despite the dark day that brought us here, this moment with him had now become a core memory. It was something I'd never forget. His embrace. His emotions.

And even if I knew what he was feeling, I didn't dare tell him, deciding it was best to let him figure the moment out on his own.

"Why do you even put up with my shit all the time, Grape?" He murmured tearfully, squeezing me tightly. "Everyone else gave up a long time ago."

I let my eyes fall closed again as his love showered me, seeping into my dreary veins and slowly bringing back their color.

"I don't see it as 'putting up' with anything." I said honestly, twirling my fingers in the hairs at his nape. "You're my family. I don't have...a lot of that left anymore."

Touya hummed weakly in protest to my words, trying to comfort me as best he could. "Hey, your mom's gonna come back soon. I know it."

My eyes felt glassy as I hugged him tightly, trying to brace myself for the cold truth as best I could

"And...when she doesn't?"

"She will."

"A..And when she doesn't..." I repeated blankly, feeling another stray tear run down my cheek. "I'll have no one left who can tell me they love me."

"That's not true." Touya blurted out, pulling away from our hug to look at me.

His eyes were teary. Passionate and matching the emotions of his heart as he let himself get carried away for the first time and let his worst fears fall from his mouth on pure instinct.

"I love...."

He trailed off before he could finish-processing a second too late what he really said-what he was about to fully say.

It was the one thing he always tried so hard to avoid. His biggest fear...

Becoming 'ordinary.'

***********

Thank you for reading & for the birthday wishes yesterday on discord! These next two chaps are about to get gory and sad but what else is new with my books :'o

My adult Shouto book is much happier so far and really cute so I think you guys will get a nice little reprieve from all the angst when that comes out 😂❤️

Votes and comments give me life. You can read ahead on Patreon if you want. Otherwise, see ya next week <3