As I flip through The Art of Inventing, I hear mom and dad talking in the hallway.

"I-I want to help her b-but I don't know how to anymore."

"I know hon, I know but it's gonna be okay."

"I-I can't lose her."

"I know sweetheart, I know."

I feel tears prick at my eyes. I'm scaring them. Mom's scared she's gonna lose me. I'm just causing them more pain. I pull the covers over my head and curl up. I'm hurting everyone around me.

I glance over at my phone. I sigh shakily as I realise why I tensed up when Jay touched my cheek because eventually, I'm going to end up hurting him. I unlock my phone and message Jay.

Jay...I like you but...I can't be with you because I'll only end up hurting you.

Jay: I like you too and I understand

Sorry

Jay: Okay.

Okay.

Jay: Oh my god, stop flirting with me!

Okay.

Jay: I was kidding, Nya. I understand. (But we both know that okay is a very flirty word. Okay is BURSTING with sensuality).

Sorry.

"Nya, dinner!"

I put my phone away and go downstairs for dinner.

"Hey sweetheart," mom says, placing a plate of food in front of me.

"Hi," I try not to flinch at my cold tone.

Dad and Kai share looks. Mom sits down next to me and places a hand on my shoulder.

"What's wrong Nya?"

"Nothing!" I flinch.

I sigh and eat.

***
As soon as I had finished eating, I went back into my room. Just as I come off the phone with Pixal, mom walks in.

"Hey sweetheart," mom sits down on the edge of my bed.

"Hey," I murmur.

"Nya, what's wrong?" She rubs my arm.

I sigh.

"I'm gonna hurt you."

"Nya..."

"I am! When I die, I'm going to hurt you, dad and Kai!" I feel tears prick my eyes again.

"Hey, shh, it's gonna be okay."

Mom wraps her arm around my shoulders and pulls me towards her. I lean into her and bury my head into her shoulder. She rubs my shoulder as I feel hers become wet from my tears. I wipe my eyes rapidly, trying to hide my tears. Mom pushes me away from her and wipes the tears off my face.

"Nya, you bring us so much more joy than sorrow. Your father, Kai and I are so grateful to have you in our lives. We're gonna help you in any way we can okay?"

I nod shakily and hug her again, leaning into her shoulder and cry into it. Mom hugs me tightly and rocks me until I feel my eyes become heavy and my world goes black.

***
When I open my eyes, there's what feels like a series of explosions in my head. I open my mouth to call for my parents but the only sound that comes out of my mouth is a loud, high pitched scream. I close my eyes as the pain starts to become too much.

This is it. This is how everything ends.

It feels like being on a seashore with the waves crashing over my head, while I'm not being allowed to drown.

The last thing I hear is the sound of pounding footsteps before my world goes black.

***
Beep! Beep! Beep beep!

As soon as my eyes open, I have to close them immediately due to the bright light in the room. After a few more attempts, I can keep my eyes open enough to take in my surroundings. I look around and realise I'm on my own meaning that I'm in the Intensive Care Unit. I feel someone rubbing circles on my knuckles. I look to my left and see dad sat in the chair next to my bed. As soon as he sees me looking at him, he smiles and strokes my hair gently.

"Hey, sweetheart."

"H-Hello," I manage to reply.

"Mom and Kai went home for some sleep, to have a shower etc, etc."

I nod weakly. I can't expect them to always be here.

"When we brought you here, we found out that your headache was brought on by poor oxygenation, which was a result of your lungs filling with fluid. While you were out, Dr Zane ran a PET scan and there are no new tumours." {1}

"Mr Smith?" Dr Zane appears in the doorway, holding a bag of what appear to be ice chips {2}. "Please can you go and wait in the waiting area? Nya needs to have some rest."

Dad stands up, kisses my forehead before following Dr Zane out of the room. A minute later, he comes back and sits in the chair dad was previously sat in. He places the bag of ice chips on the bedside table before raising the back of the bed so I'm sitting upright. He opens the bag and helps me eat one.

"You've been out for a few days," Dr Zane says, handing me the bag.

"I-I h-have?" I ask, around an ice chip.

Dr Zane nods before carrying on, "nothing has changed but there has been someone called Jason Walker who has been in the waiting room ever since you were admitted."

I feel my face heat up at the mention of Jay. He's been waiting for me?

"We haven't allowed him to see you yet but he will be allowed to come in once you are feeling stronger."

***
It's been six days since got admitted to hospital and I'm finally allowed to go back home. There's a quiet creak and the door to my room opens.

I feel a wide smile come across my face when I spot Jay walk in. Jay smiles and sits in the chair next to my bed, taking my hand.

"Hey."

"Hey, I missed you."

I feel my face heat up again when he says that. He chuckles and his smile gets wider. I missed you too! I wanted to yell. But I don't. I don't want to seem desperate.

"I also wrote an email to Hickman...about what you messaged me about."

He hands me a printed piece of paper. I gently take it from him, turn it the right way and start to read it.

Dear Mr Walker,
I receive your electronic mail dated the 14th of April and duly impressed by the Shakespearean complexity of your tragedy. Everyone in this tale has a rock-solid hamartia: her's, that she is so sick; yours, that you are so well. Were she better or you sicker, then the stars would not be so terribly crossed, but it is the nature of stars to cross, and never was Shakespeare more wrong than when he had Cassius note, "The fault, dear Brutus, is not in our stars/But in ourselves." Easy enough to say when you're a Roman nobleman (or Shakespeare!), but there is no shortage of fault to be found amid our stars.

While we're on the topic of old Will's insufficiencies, your writing about young Hazel reminds me of the Bard's Fifty-fifth sonnet, which of course begins, "Not marble, nor the gilded monuments/Of princes, shall outlive this powerful rhyme;/But you shall shine more bright in these contents/Than unswept stone, besmear'd with sluttish time." (Off-topic, but: What a slut time is. She screws everybody). It's a fine poem but a deceitful one: We do indeed remember Shakespeare's powerful rhyme, but what do we remember about the person it commemorates? Nothing. We're pretty sure he was male; everything else is guesswork. Shakespeare told us precious little of the man whom he en-tombed in his linguistic sarcophagus. (Witness also that when we talk about literature, we do so in the present tense. When we speak of the dead, we are not so kind). You do not immortalize the lost by writing about them. Language buries but does not resurrect. (Full disclosure: I am not the first to make this observation. carried forward, the MacLeish poem

"Not Marble, Nor The Gilded Monuments," which contains the heroic line "I shall say you will die and none will remember you"). I digress, but here's the rub: The dead are visible only in the terrible lidless eye of memory. The living, thank heaven, retain the ability to surprise and to disappoint. Your Nya is alive, Walker, and you mustn't impose your will upon another's decision, particularly a decision arrived at thoughtfully. She wishes to spare you pain, and you should let her. You may not find young Nya's logic persuasive, but I have trod through this vale of tears longer than you, and from where I'm sitting, she's not the lunatic.

"Oh," is all I can say in response to the letter.

Jay nods and puts the paper back in his pocket. He keeps a firm grip on my hand.

The only thing I can think about is will Dr Zane still let me fly out to Amsterdam?

Hey, guys, I hope you enjoyed this chapter. The next chapter should hopefully be out on Sunday. Hope you're all staying safe and well.

{1} a PET scan is Positron emission tomography which is used to produce detailed three-dimensional images of the inside of the body.

{2} Ice chips are small pieces of ice, usually smaller than ice cubes. They are often recommended before surgery or an invasive medical procedure. They may help to prevent oral mucositis or mouth sores associated with high-dose chemotherapy.