"Love could be poison, but we would drink it anyway - Atticus"

22 April 2019

From what Nandini understood about Amelia's pot brownies are not to ever eat them again, especially if the next day is a working day. She was now left with a cracking headache, it was as if her skull was splitting into two and all the loud noises and the movements surrounding her were not helping to subside the amplifying pain.

"Good Morning Dr. Murthy and Dr. Parker, please have a seat in the conference room. Mr. Malhotra and Mr.Dhawan will be joining you shortly." The receptionist directed the both of them to the empty conference room and left.

Nandini sighed in relief, now free from the chaos outside she plopped her head on the table. Her migraine was not letting her think coherently and she cursed herself for loosing control yesterday and going on a alcohol binge with her bad influence of a friend. At least not before an important meeting.

"I am never - Never letting you coax me into doing whatever we did yesterday." Nandini looked up suddenly at her friend who was sitting beside her while accusingly jabbing her fingers at her Amelia cheek.

"Like never again?" Amelia who took everything with a pinch of salt, asked her friend with a playful smirk.

"No, we will do it again but not when we have work the next day." She responded and her friend let out a laugh.

"It was fun was it." Amelia stated
"It was fun." Nandini chuckled and responded to her friend, now leaning behind the comfortable office chair. Maybe a few chuckles was what she needed to get rid of the headache. Amelia then passed her an aspirin for her headache which she gladly took.

With her headache almost gone, she had the space to gather her thoughts and emotions. It has been months since, Manik publicly announced his engagement and also when he cowardly broke up with her without any explanation but a headline on a freaking newspaper.

At first she was in denial, she couldn't believe herself that Manik - the one who promised her the world was also the same one to destroy her world. She desperately needed answers, she needed to know why did he not even bother to tell her face to face, or even a text was better than none.

Only she knows, how many time that week she called and texted him but he didn't even have the audacity to even respond to any of the text - let alone, he blocked her from all social sites.

The first few days, she told herself multiple times that it was a bad dream, that when she opened her eyes he will be still there with a smile with his arms wide open for a hug.

Although there was this nagging feeling , deep down that she knew their relationship was a Black hole, at the end either one of them were going to be consume into the darkness of it. But she never actually thought that she was the one that was going to fall into the pit.

She kept thinking that despite whatever people advised her saying that he is a notorious heartless playboy, there were many times he proved to her, to her that he wasn't. The times where he surprised her with flowers, or when he took her on expensive dates, or when he cooked for her on days she wanted to stay home. They shared so many wonderful moments that she reasoned that whatever he did could not be real. Or maybe he did all of this with every other girls as well.

It was day 2 that she ignored everyone's call and vowed not to keep in touch with anyone who knew them. Who were mutually in touch with both of them, she didn't want them to choose sides. She didn't want anyone to be caught balancing the tightrope that Manik and her formed.

It was day 4 after the news that she started to acknowledge that for once she couldn't be right all the time. That she forget all the red flags and looked at him through rose-tinted glasses. Maybe she didn't realise that, she was continually telling herself that he is not like what people said, and he loves you. Or that she could change or save parts of him, but it's true that she no one can change unless they themselves want to or not that everyone could be save. She should have known that, she should have seen that not everyone can be saved, it was in a job description after all.

But she was the one that was constantly staring at her phone, waiting for a message or call from him.

It was around day 10 of the news that she started asking herself lots of questions, questions that were demeaning her character, that were chastising her confidence. All she could ask when she saw her reflection was "what's wrong with me?" "Am I not worthy of love?" "How could I fix things?" "Did he ever love me?"

She had a burning desire to understand why he did what he did, why did he say all those promises when he didn't mean to keep them. She felt rejected, she felt inadequate , she felt worthless of herself because of how he deemed that she wasn't even worthy of a breakup text.

It was day 12 , that she ignored Cabir phone call and text. She said sorry silently a hundred times, hopping he would somewhat magically receive her apology.

At day 15, she replayed all their memories together, a continuous torturous loop of events in her head, and tried to pull a rational answer for where she went wrong. She went over every aspect of their relationship trying to find a logical explanation for why things shouldn't have ended, when she knew for the hundredth time that it was probably for the best, even when they were in a relationship.

He was the darkness that dragged everyone to hell hole with him. If doomsday is a person he would be it.

The pain and agony that stem from the depth of her heart consume every part of her life, until she couldn't get out of her bed in those dreadful weeks. She woke up time to time drenched in sweat, eyes glistening with tears and her breath heaving from dreams of him. This in turn affected her sleeping hours and caused her to wake up feeling more depressed and exhausted than the day before. She feared that she will be lonely forever, she will have nobody to talk to that she will not be able to carry on without him.

"Sadly Nandini, there is no way to fix your heart, you must simply let it pass with time."Mia said to her on day 10 after the news, bringing her a her favourite cake while at it. Maybe it was day 10, that made her comprehend that she didn't need him. That she could leave him behind in her past and move on. All she needed was herself.

It was around day 21, that the whole emotions hit her back again like a huge tidal wave. Nandini stayed in bed most of the days hiding under the covers, feeling lonely, sad and sorry for herself. She vaguely remembers, Amelia knocking on her door and calling her out for food, but she didn't have the energy to engage in small conversation with her friends and her family was not an option. Her grandmother probably would berate her for going against her wishes, and the others would just not understand. She wanted nothing to do with what's going on around her, she took a break from work and wallowed in her own misery.

It was not her, she thought. He brought out the worst in her and she chastised herself for letting him. She questioned her self worth, and wondered that was she the problem if not him? Was she not good enough to love? Will she ever find love? When her first ever take in love, made her heart ache as if she was in constant state of angina.

She was destroying herself in the pain, the worst type of control that she has to reform herself. Rebirth from her fallen self.

It was around day 30, that her mind started going crazy. She needed to talk to him, she needed to know what he was up to. She stalked his social media but he had deactivated his account. He had completely shutdown from the public view, giving her no insights of his life. She was obsessively checking for news on him, living on crumbs of the newsletter of his sighting with his model like fiancé clutching to his arms.

This lead to anger, she fumed. The initial emotions she felt at first, amplified. She needed to blame somebody for the wrongs, she was tired of blaming herself that it suddenly became his fault. It was always his fault to begin with.

"Here, write down all you feel about him. The good stuff, the bad stuff, the annoying stuff. Write it down on this plate and once you done we will go break it." Amelia said on day 35, she walked in Nandini's room with a bunch of plates and a marker. For the next one hour, that's what Nandini did she poured her anger out on the plate and when 10 plates broke into pieces she felt a sense of ease. It felt like an antidote to her , she could finally put an end to the numbness. She felt empowered after breaking the last two plates, if she knew that breaking 25 plates would help lift herself out of the slump, she would have done it sooner.

At day 40, she thought she saw him.

At day 47, she felt alone on her birthday while she sat on the jetty alone, the thoughts of letting the waves take her clouding her mind. But also the day she decided she needed no one to live her life. That it was her choice to let this bad incident either define her,destroy her or strengthen her. And as the fighter she is, she left the jetty with a new found of spirit.

At day 48, she replied Cabir with thank you for the wishes text for the many missed calls and text that was left unread.

It was from day 50 to day 67 , she realise that she was over all the tears, anger and fear. Despite all, she was still alive and he didn't come to mind as often as before. She realised that she is much stronger than she was before and learned a lot about what she needed and what she wanted. Which now, what she needed the most was to get back to work and help the people around her who were in much more bad shape than she will ever be.

At day 72, she started to plan for the future and for the first time in 70 over days she was excited about life again. She came to an empowering realisation that she doesn't need him to be happy because only she can make herself happy. Only Nandini can make herself happy.

At day 80, after much of a constant pestering from Amelia she took up hiking as an hobby. That's where she finally got acquainted with her childhood friend, Varun. She forgot how he could easily make her laugh and was happy when he still could make her grin foolishly, while they admire the sunset together.

"But you need to let me in, you need to ,you need to let your family in. You will always have us," Amelia cornered Nandini and determinedly told her. At day 85, Nandini comprehended that she could always lean on a few people and know that they will catch her when she falls.

At day 95, she went out exploring the city of Cambodia with Amelia, Varun and a few other friends. The golden hour giving her a sense of hope and rebirth.

At day 101, she cried to herself in the bathroom. She was having one of those days, where she let her guard down. But she always walked out, promising to never cry again not for him.

At day 115, she found it normal to spend time with Varun. She found that she loved going on hiking with him, she found that she enjoyed their silent lunch meals together. She found that she liked having Varun over for Board games every Saturday. She found that she loves spending time outside work with Varun.
She found that she loves how Varun was always there for her.

At day 125, she laughed heartily at a joke only Varun could pull off. She couldn't erase the look, Varun gave her that day. It made her stomach flutter and she thought she would never feel that excitement again.

At day 134, Varun brought her coffee and every other day since then. She enjoyed the small gesture he did.

It was around day 150 that Nandini realised that she is capable of loving again and that she is worthy of being loved when Varun hands found hers while crossing the busy streets of Manilla and their hands never entangling after that. They had an exclusive hand holding arrangement after that day.

It was day 200, that his memory was now a blur haze.

It was day 221, that she was still ignoring Cabir text and calls for the millionth time. She hated herself for pushing him away, but she know that she had too.

It was day 250, that she completely didn't think about him.

It was day 300, that she agreed being in a romantic relationship with Varun.

It was day 350, when she teared in the secrecy of her bedroom after seeing a picture of him and his fiancé, smiling at the cameras.

It was day 400, and she felt good. When she felt she had fully recovered.

It was day 411, when she thought she saw him again.

It was day 412, that she spend her 27th birthday with her loved ones.

It was day 435, that she meet Varun's parents for the first time as a couple.

It was day 457, that she felt truly happy, contented, and could see a possible future with Varun.

It was day 458, that she felt nothing when she saw a picture of him kissing his fiancé in one of the gala's.

It was day 470, that the idea of HOPE bloomed. She was excited to have a project, she was excited to pour her soul and passion into something fruitful.

It was day 490, that She and Amelia returned to India after their long days of travelling from one medical camp to another.

It was day 495, that she and Amelia sent out investment proposal to top leading companies in Mumbai. It was also the day, Amelia and her finally moved into their first apartment together.

It was day 497, that she called Varun to just hear his voice because she missed him.

It was day 499, that she received a email regarding a promising meeting with a prospective investment company.

It was day 500, when she saw him.

Now day 503, with her waiting for him to walk right into the room.

The sudden recollection of the last year, left her with a whirlwind of emotion. She didn't realised she zoned out, she didn't realise that Amelia was calling her name out for the last minute, she didn't realise the tears that were freely wetting her cheeks, she didn't realised that she was now sitting in the conference room of MCG waiting for him to walk in.

"Nandini, are you okay?" Amelia sudden tug brought her back to now. She looked up at her friend, bleary eyes. She focused on keeping her breathing steady and slow, so much so that she missed what Amelia was trying to say to her.

"Are you okay? Your eyes are all bloodshot and puffy. Is it the headache, I am so sorry Nandini. Fuck man, I am sorry." Amelia went on apologising, thinking it was the headache that made her tear up.

"N-No-No, I am Fi-ne" Nandini's voice croaked but she smiled nevertheless, pausing to wipe her tears away with her sleeves. She closed her eyes, and thought of anything to distract her. She gain her composure and opened her eyes moments later, smiling at her friend.

"I am fine, let's get this meeting over with. They are already fucking late." She finally said and gathered her files, promptly getting into a dangerous mood. A mood that screamed business and go getter.

Amelia in return gave her signature grin and took Nandini's hand in hers, slowly rubbing circles near her thumb - a sign of comfort. An action that Amelia picked up to communicate silently that everything will be okay. Deep down, Nandini knew that Mia knows the real reason behind her sudden tears. She was just trying to diffuse the situation.

It was not until 0915 hours that the door of the conference room sprung open.

"Good Morning, Doctors." Cabir cheerfully announced as he strode in, giving them a warm smile. Behind Cabir walked him, and suddenly it's like the room drops below freezing point making her skin prickle and hair stand- a reminder of her past he is that she dreaded and tries to forget. Things she wants to leave in the past. He whom she wants to leave in her past permanently now standing in front of her like a watermark, hard to remove.

"I apologise for the lateness, there were much important matters that my attention was needed." His voice boomed into the room, sounding as if he being here was a favour to them. He took a seat on the head of the chair followed by Cabir, immediately lounging on the office chair. Sounding and acting uninterested and nonchalant.

She took two deep breaths before glancing up at him. His soulless eyes already on her, sneering. She could almost feel the cold sensation of his gaze. Cutting, dragging through her like a knife.

"No need for being an arse Manik. Let's get to the point." Cabir chimed in the same nonchalant tone, earning a murderous glare from Manik. But Cabir ignored and looked back at Nandini and Amelia with his evergreen smile. Nandini felt at ease, returning his smile. It gave her some sort of comfort knowing that Cabir is around.

Knowing that he wouldn't let anyone hurt her and she was hit with sudden rush of regret for pushing him away all these while. She needed to apologise to him properly, and hope that he would forgive her for being a bad friend.

"Me an arse?" Manik scoffed and turn to look at Nandini his eyebrow arched mockingly. "Like her, who said and I quote 'Fuck this shit' before storming out the office as if the world orbits around her ." He replied his tone laced with bitterness. Amelia shifted uncomfortably in her seat beside Nandini. Nandini needed to make this meeting a success so she had to endure his arrogance and haughtiness.

"Moving on, this is our proposal." Easily ignoring the statement , Nandini diverted the topic without giving Manik a second glance as she forwarded her file towards the front of the table. "In this file, there is everything we stand for and what we want to accomplish within the next 10 years. All our plans, campaigns, essential needs and health care we want to bring up in Mumbai for young kids who are left orphaned. You can have a look." She said confidently and gave them all related documents and files needed to proof their mission and vision of their organisation.

"Really impressive, Nandini. We need to come up with the allocation of funds and also ways to get more funds like Gala and fete of sorts. Those are things that you don't have to sweat about, leave that to us. All you do is just attend with your team and converse around with the socialites, telling them your mission and aim of HOPE ." Cabir said excitedly, his eyes glinting with the familiar excitement that Nandini remembered once. Nandini and Amelia simultaneously nodded their head smiling.

After about 30 minutes of discussing, company logistics, management and scheduling further meetings along with a proper location to establish HOPE base and a house for the children. Amelia announced - "Well if that's it, we should sign the proposition. Okay Nandini?" Amelia looked at Nandini before standing up but a clear of throat at the front of the table made her seat right back down, while looking at the source.

"Before we sign the documents. I want something ." Manik who has been silent majority of the meeting, whom did not participate in any of the decision making responded. His knuckles hitting the table lazily, as he looked up glancing back and forth at the three of them.

"Wh-at." Cabir drawl lazily as he glanced at his friend, whom continued tapping against the wooden desk.

"Apology." Cabir looked at Manik incredulously. His jaw tensed and he sat upright readily for a confrontation as he looked at Manik then right back at Nandini. Nandini and Amelia shared a confused look at each other before looking back at the man at the front of the table.

"I want an apology from her ." He pointed his finger at Nandini as he sat back on his chair. There was a pin drop silent in the room, it was as if the temperature dropped even below zero degree Celsius . Nandini tensed, her heart racing. She curled her hands into fist, her fingernails breaking into her skin hard enough to form marks later on. Hoping that if she channel her anger on herself it will prevent her from going to jail for murder.

"An apology?" Cabir gritted his teeth as he looked at Manik. His form ready to pounce on Manik if he ever utter another word.

"Yes! For barging out that day and humiliating me in my own office." Manik responded without a care of the world, his tone indifferent. As if he did them a great favour out of his own goodwill to even let them be in his presence. A sudden sound to her left got her attention, she looked up to see her friend up from her seat glaring at Manik.

"You pompous arse! If anyone need an apology, it's her and never you. Thank you Mr.Dhawan, you have been very kind to the both of us. But we need to rethink associating with this mockery of an company." Amelia firmly announced, her tone spiting with anger her eyes red with fury. She gave an apologetic look at Nandini, before stomping out.

Nandini whom was frozen to her seat at the confrontation, had barely any words to say. Her eyes mirrored the fury eyes of her friend, but she was the one who came up with the idea, and they blindly supported her. It was her dream, yet Amelia and Varun both stood by her side for everything. She couldn't let them down, she was not someone who broke promises. She was not him. And she would not give him the satisfaction of walking out, like the coward he was. Because Nandini Murthy was no coward.

"I apologise for the improper behaviour of mine and my colleague. We will be back shortly." Nandini responded curtly, before getting up of her own chair and heading out in search of Amelia.

She found Amelia in the ladies washroom, crouching near the sink, water dripping off her face wetting the collar of her blouse.

"Hey."

"We don't need this Nandini, we can always look for different investors. We can ask around and we can find something. You don't need to spend another second here. Worst case scenario, we can either be a pole dancer, strippers or have sugar daddies for the extra cash. But you don't need to even breath the same air of the misogynistic selfish prick." Amelia went on as she practiced as she heard Nandini voice, not bothering to turn around to look at her, afraid of seeing the disappointment in Nandini's eyes. Nandini smiled at her friend as she went and perched herself up on the sink counter handing her friend a dry towel.

Amelia took the tower patting herself dry. Before sitting next to Nandini.

"I apologised." Nandini said after awhile, scared to keep eye contact with her friend, she look downward on the faded white checkered tiles- shades of black and beige etched on it. Just like life. Shades of black and beige that mirror pain and agony tainting one's life.

"I know you would have done that." Amelia sighed beside her as she fidgeted with her fingers.

"Couldn't last an hour could we?" Amelia snorted beside her and Nandini laughed. "If we want to back out, now is the time. We could just leave and not ever come here again." Amelia reasoned again. Although they were running short of time to find a stable investor, Amelia would never let anyone degrade her friend for it, and vice versa.

"No, we won't back away Mia. When everyone runs out looking at the blood and gore, we step in. We are not afraid of no assholes. I have a plan." Nandini responded firmly, the same passion and savagery in her tone. Amelia sighed before shaking her head at her friend as she got up from the counter. If Nandini made a decision it was the final say in the household. And no one can change her mind. Her decision was as fixed as Loki's love for his tesseract.

"I am sorry I lost my cool. But I won't apologise to him." Amelia declared rather stubbornly.

"I am not expecting you too. Come." Nandini responded to her friend with a smile before dragging her back to the conference room.

As they walked back in, standing near the doorway, they noticed that both Cabir and Manik were both standing at the opposite side of each other. Their eyes immediately surveying them both as they appeared at the entrance.

"We are ready to sign the agreement but before that we have a few conditions. We would like to have another meeting schedule at the end of the week. Have a nice day." Nandini professed before giving a friendly nod to Cabir and dismissive nod at Manik and headed out with Mia.