October 6, the day I was born... child like wonder is one of the most beautiful things in life, along with happiness and... well, actually, I don't know much good in the world...

My mom is an alcoholic, the doctors said that it's an absolute miracle that I haven't, because too special and that I didn't come out deformed in any way.

My dad is a drug dealer. He even made the kitchen into a drug lab and makes thousands of dollars a week but spends most of the money going to nightclubs... sometimes more often he brings them home and cheats on his wife constantly. That's why I'm always hearing him have sex with any woman 9 to 10 of the time it's not even my mom... and... when I was 13. He made me watch him and some stripper "do it" because he didn't feel like paying for than extra class that I might not learn...

And there's my brother, he couldn't go half an hour without drugs and he died at the age 11. I was only 7 years old at the time. It wasn't really his falt for drug addiction because when my mom was pregnant with my brother she CONSTANTLY CONSTANTLY did drugs, like crack, marijuana, cocaine, methamphetamines, anything and every type of drug my mom could get her hands on. Then after giving birth to him he only weighed 3 pounds and was born with drug addiction.

I never had a very good childhood, when we would run out of drugs thing would get really bad... one time my mom got angry and so drunk and molested me a hand job. Then, just a year later a stripper rapped me with a rose steam.. turns out, my dad paid her to do it. I told people at school but they just laphed, the students just said that a woman can't rape a man but it works the other way around and started calling me names like, gay, fairy, fagot, stupid retard... but that isn't true... Because I experienced it so many times... my school sent me to an orphanage but that only made things so much worse. The kids came up to me all at once and moleste me... every... single... night. And the foster mother did nothing but videotape and made a porno of it. I would try to run and hide... but they said if I did that they would rape me instead... and they did... everyone in the foster home called me "The little wight bitch" kids at school called me a retard for being in special needs class. I felt so alone and dirty. I pretty much dropped out of school and the foster home let me go when I was 16. It was pretty hard looking for a job, it took a year but I was hired as Mr. Phone's assistant only because nobody else wanted to take the job. Until Mepad showed up and became the favorite. So I tried so hard to impress Mr. Phone but nothing works... he hates me just because I'm something he doesn't like, so I would put all my frustration and anger tords Mepad. I don't fight with him anymore, in fact, we've become close friends. But I haven't told him anything that's happened to me, I haven't even told anyone why I'm throwing another party. Today is my birthday, I'm 19 now and I'm throwing the biggest party I've ever had. Everyone seems to be having a spectacular time, I'm just waiting for somebody to notice me. A "hi" is all I need to know that I matter, that I'm worth something and someone cares... just the smallest sign of a small greetings is all I need to keep living. I'm just extremely exhausted fighting to live without even knowing if I have a purpose in with world while my body feels completely contaminated by being violated and abused all of my life. And no amount of showers can ever fix that. I've thrown huge parties before, but this'll probably be my last, it's 11:59AM and not one person has admired me or look at my direction. But I don't mind, a small part of me was hoping this would happen.

And now here I am, in a bathroom of a room I'm renting of Hotel Oj. I have everything ready... Goodbye Mepad, I know you don't feel much of anything, but I'm sorry if this makes you sad...

Finished...

Set the note down...

Jump...

Hanging, suffocating.... gone