Title: FIFTEEN//THIRTY

Author: @daydreamer88898

Genre: Teen Fiction

Possible Sub-Genre/ Recommended Genre: Romance

Cover: Nice, I'd like to see the Title on the front and the author name as well. There are a lot of nice cover artists on wattpad that can help out with this if you want.

Blurb: A blurb should give the reader a reason to read the story. It should whet their appetite, give them a feel for it, and leave them wanting more. It is most effective when it is around 150 words, it can be a little more, but should not be too much less. This story's blurb could be added to tastefully to give a more comprehensive and enticing reason to read the story!

Summary: At the time of review this story is still incomplete. However, so far it is about Tara, a failed attorney and her prospective lover, Jay, a corporate techno wizard, also feeling the effects of being passed over in the promotion world. Both of them have secrets and are doing their best to disclose them as they get to know each other. They are drawn together by an irresistible force, that is also hard to stop reading about.

Early Chapters: Did I like it?

Actually, yes, I like it very much. The beginning chapters of any story need to establish characters, conflict and a clear path to resolution. They should be enticing enough in these areas to keep the reader motivated to read the rest. I think there are some longer, possibly unnecessary parts where the story rambles a little in what could be character development but isn't actually telling us enough about the characters. For example: although Tara is a hair cutter, and their banter is decent, in the initial hair cutting scene, a lot more could be happening to include us in the attraction, the back story, and the front story--- this could be a place where Bridget Hoffman is thought about--- this could be a place, where Miracle is thought about while other convo is going on as well. The convo doesn't move the scene as well as it could. The same with the hot chocolate scene a little while later, lots of telling, less showing--- I'd incorporate more clues, more front loading--- really whisk the reader into the longing and attraction, give them a reason to root for this couple.

Did it draw me in?

By chapter three we had our first real hook. I think possibly in other readers, and judging from the readership numbers this might be a place to up the tension so as to provide that desire we all want the characters to feel right off. Good hook though, and one that kept me wanting to read.

Voice: Whew, man! Let's talk POV... Third person omni is utilized, it is technically very hard to write in. The attempt here, is commendable. The reader loses connection with the characters frequently as the POV changes from his to hers to even George's in one instance. My recommendation is to change the POV entirely--- and do it one chapter from her POV and one from his in first person--- and guard against anyone else's POV at all. But if you choose to stay in third omni—then I recommend not switching who is thinking in the middle of paragraphs. Also, guard carefully against the narrator speaking directly to the reader. This happens three or four times, and most readers find it disconcerting in third omni—because it is almost as if the narrator is also reading our thoughts, and we prefer to read anonymously!

Dialogue Voice:

The dialogue in this piece is very strong. Very believable, and very well-done. Many times the dialogue carries the whole scene, and the reader is so glued to it that it is unnecessary to even add tags. Although—dialogue tags can be used to give clues to setting and feeling, mood, dark, light, etc. They add movement to the scene, and if you follow TV at all--- a trending tip is to have people walking while they talk, give them a setting to speak in. It adds flavor and color that enhances the scene immensely. And these are such short additions. Check out a long dialogue scene in the piece, and try to imagine where they are--- give it all five senses, have them entirely focused on their words, but the movement happening around them. So effective.

Characters:

There are two main characters in this story, and a myriad of peripheral characters. Tara is gentle and kind, trying to improve her life, and help others. She reminds me of a recovering addict who has worked the 12 steps and is living it--- or perhaps a person of great faith. There is nothing not to admire about Tara. She can be mercurial—bubbly and then frightened and coping with issues. She never loses character. Very believable and very winning. Readers are instantly invested in her--- even though her initial meeting can be almost too good to be true. She's so cute one can't help loving her.

Jay on the other hand, has all kinds of foibles. Meaning he has been set up to react to his past triggers, his present triggers and his future triggers. Occasionally this gets tedious for me. He alternately becomes empowered by Tara's amazing qualities, and how they affect him, but becomes whiny—by his own admission--- he is aware that women like confident men, and he feels he is not one—but women, who are reading this, also need to feel he is capable of rising up and becoming the man they need in a romance novel--- the reason for reading it. Personally, Jay is vulnerable, and that is appealing, but he needs to show growth, and he doesn't always. I get that he is sensitive and paralyzed by his insecurities, but having her be the Savior sometimes feels too co-dependent. I'd like to see him working on his issues.

Most of the other characters ie: parents, brother, George, Heather--- all of them have elements of cliché sub characters, and that's okay, we all relate to them, and don't need to know more about them unless they are suddenly going to play a bigger role--- like Brian. Brian feels like he and the little girl might suddenly play a bigger role.

Feelings:

There is a slow burning feeling of sexual tension that keeps the story flowing. Having the characters discuss sex and relationships early on works for me, adding that tension. It's a little disconnected--- I don't feel what they felt about those relationships, so I don't feel what they feel about sex now. And everybody wants to know when that moment comes. The kiss--- that ultimate surrendering moment--- is unbelievable in this story. Such incredible description--- very well done. However--- build up to it could be even more subtly intuitive. Get that burn going--- you've got it in you as you've proven, perhaps even more in the preceding chapters would feel more satisfying. Although, it is not bad the way it is.

Pacing: Concentrating on the developing love story is a great motivator. The thing I think could be improved upon the most would be actual contact between Jay and his parents. The fact that he doesn't reveal their identities to Tara, works really well, but this could be a fact that the reader is let in on earlier so as to add credence to their personalities and behavior. It doesn't exactly stand to reason that the parents have such deep feelings of betrayal and animosity, that the father knows every move the son makes--- yet the son feels like he is ignored and not understood--- there's a very deep well of relatable issues here that can be explored to flesh out Jay's feelings. This would also help the pace not to drag anywhere, by adding a few encounters—possibly phone conversations, or lunch with Sid, something of that nature. Rather than the acute hostility and info dump about them at the birthday party.

Spelling and Grammar:

We can all benefit from a copy editor, but a proofreader with some line editing is actually needed to help this piece achieve industry standards and make it easier to read. The grammar errors do slightly distract from the flow--- if the reader has to go back and figure out a missing period, or two or three or four. I highly recommend putting all character thoughts in italics, not quotes, and separating them from other dialogue. There is a lot of trendy culture going for this piece, but research can be added to reveal even more detail and interest. For instance: The termination letter Tara received. Two googled articles told me that there is no federal law requiring an employer to provide a termination letter except in the health care industry and only when negligence has been proven without a doubt. Tara most likely would have requested such a letter herself, and then only to prove that she had not received sufficient warnings to warrant termination, so she could sue for wrongful discharge, and why wouldn't she know this already as a Harvard grad. She is not obligated to show such a letter by law to anyone unless there was a felony crime committed. Slight plot hole there. 

And I know it is important to the story to address the misogyny issue, but because it is such a sensitive issue, the reader would like to have been apprised of direct instances, so we can get on Tara's side and feel she is vindicated and that this is believable. Right now, it is told, and we must suspend our own knowledge and belief in order to go along with the author. And being such a sensitive and trendy issue, you want to cover all bases and present a believable reason. Even though misogyny does still happen, it is highly suspect and treatable, and many law cases are being presented to change the perspectives of the public. This story could go a long way toward this goal if you wanted it to. Especially considering Jay's father's attitude. You could really capitalize upon that and tie it in. And maybe that's where you were already going.

Suggestions:

Work on POV, add setting clues for detail, and pick up a little research here and there, not to overpower, but to add interest.

Highlights:

The romantic elements are touching and exciting, very well-done. Also, the character build up--- especially Jay's issues, as long as they stay consistently growing in a positive direction. I can see him revealing vulnerability, but not too much whining and needy stuff. 

Audience:

Although I really think it is appropriate as a teen-fiction, it fits the Harlequin Romance format admirably and would appeal to a larger and more varied audience. The fact that the characters have emotional baggage at thirty is appropriate, but occasionally they act much younger. Remember, thirty is the new twenty, and a thirty-year-old would not be worried about aging and stuff, because they are really in the early prime of their lives. Comments about thirty being so old are a little naive--- and it would appeal to even greater readerships if Jay was closer to thirty-eight, approaching forty even--- there is not the kind of stigma about these ages as there used to be. Forty is considered close to prime these days--- still on their way up!

Please leave a comment so I know you read it. Remember that a review is simply my opinion and you as the creator still have all poetic license, and it will not hurt my feelings if you don't use my suggestions. It was a pleasure to review your story.