From: minyg@gmail.com

To: kimtae@gmail.com

Subject: 'Til I see you again.

- Compose email -

Who would've thought, that even after years of being practically attached to the hip, a moment will come, that I have to finally set you free?

I remember seeing you for the very first time when we were kids. You were literally shaking because you and Hoseok got soaked from the heavy rain fall. You didn't have anything on to protect you from the cold and you were so small- barely past my hip and thank God my parents saw you and took you in.

When the two of you were dry and bundled up with a thick duvet in front of the furnace, you looked at me with those big and curious eyes of yours- obviously afraid that I will do something to hurt you.

You were such a cry-baby, a very sensitive kid. You would cry whenever Hoseok left your side just to go to the bathroom or help my parents with the chores.

It was safe to say that you hated me at first. You never really wanted to do anything with me, but I felt the exact opposite.

I wanted to protect you, and I didn't know why I felt the urge to do so. I was a kid, like you and Hoseok, but it was as if you were a magnet. You attracted me- pulled me towards you every single day, and despite the slow pace, you finally warmed up to me.

The moment you first called me "Yoonie", I instantly knew I was a goner.

Growing up with you and Hoseok was the best thing that ever happened. I spent my time mostly in school, but I was always so eager to go home because you were there to wait for me. You always waited, so I promised myself that when the time comes, it will be my turn to wait for you.

Seeing you grow in front of my eyes felt like watching a butterfly break free from its cocoon. You've grown so beautifully that even my feelings started growing along with you, too. I was in denial, but it was not after you got your very first confession that I realized how fucking in love I am with you.

It was before entering college that I had a talk with my mom. Did you know? I cried in front of her because I couldn't take it anymore.

The feeling of having this unrequited love for my best friend felt so heavy in my chest. It was like I was carrying the whole universe with me.

("Mom, I don't know what to do."

"Oh, baby, what happened? Tell me."

"It hurts. Hurts so much."

"Yoongi-ah, is this about someone you like?"

"It's Taehyung."

"Baby..."

"Mom, I love him. I'm in love with him.")

When you stepped in to college, you and Hoseok lived with me, before Hoseok decided to go out of the country to pursue his dream of becoming a dancer.

He left the two of us with no one else to run to but each other. We did everything together to the point that the people around us started finding it weird whenever they don't see us breathing next to each other.

It was Yoongi and Taehyung, Taehyung and Yoongi, or none at all.

Having to live and take care of you during your college years made me discover a lot of things about you.

I discovered how you didn't like drinking coffee at first, that's why I'd always make you a glass of milk during breakfast and before you sleep. However, senior year came by and you had to stay up all night doing projects and requirements for graduation- making coffee your companion. You wouldn't drink it if it wasn't me who made it though.

I discovered how you loved designing your own clothes, and I had to reprimand you a couple of times to not cut holes on your shirts, but you were persistent so I let you.

I discovered your love for art because you'd always make me your 'muse' whenever you are hit with a sudden motivation to sketch or paint something.

I discovered how you can't tolerate alcohol that much the first time you got drunk after downing one and a half bottle of beer. You are endearing when you're drunk, by the way.

I know what food makes your mouth water; what ice cream flavor you'd like to have every summer. Strawberries. Always strawberries.

I know when you're happy because you'd always do that celebratory dance where you bend down and pretend to be twerking.

You're upset when you watch Coco over and over again until your eyes give up and you fall asleep on the couch, ice cream tub in hand.

You're mad when you give someone the 'cold shoulder' and that's because Taehyung- bubbly and kind Taehyung- doesn't ignore someone for too long.

I know you like the back of my hand and it honestly scared me because I know more about you, than I know myself. It scared me because what if, what if I lose you? It would mean that I'd lose myself, too.

And that, I did.

The first time I saw you fall in love with someone that isn't me, was the worst time of my life. It felt like drowning, like struggling to stay up on the surface no matter how the current is pulling me down to depths of despair. I lost you. I lost me, too.

I thought I'd get better, that I'd finally accept that you weren't meant for me- you never were. I ended up hurting someone in the process because I lied to him, and I lied to myself.

However, that someone you love ended up hurting you, too, and I promised myself that I wouldn't let him get away for hurting you. That I would hurt him back because he really had the audacity to break someone whom I treasured and cherished for years. And I always thought, that with his absence, I will be able to fill in the emptiness in your heart.

I was wrong, though. Very wrong, because despite him leaving you abruptly, you never made an effort to forget him. You waited, and waited, and waited. I did too.

I waited for you, but you were waiting for somebody else.

Now he's back, and as much as I want to stop you from running back into his arms, I will never make the same mistake of depriving someone else from their happiness once again. Because I know how it feels to be deprived from that. And I have no one else to blame but me.

I know that it's cowardly of me to say all these things to you via email, because I'm afraid that if I see you face to face, these words will no longer come out of my mouth. Aside from that, I don't want to see your reaction the moment I say that I'm leaving, Taehyung-ah.

Remember what I told you years ago? That aside from running the cafe, I always wanted to produce music. It was a goal of mine that I didn't pursue because it meant leaving you.

However, I think I'm ready now.

I don't know when I'll be back, but I promise to return to you once I finish finding myself.

Be happy. Because if you are, then I am, too.

Attached to this e-mail is an audio file I wanted to send to you ages ago but didn't really have the courage to do so.

Remember the lullaby I used to hum to you when we were kids? I added lyrics and redefined the melody. This was my very first, and I dedicate it to you. Always you.

Sleep, my darling angel
For you will not be alone tonight
I will protect you from all things that are evil,
And I promise to hold you tight.

Sleep, my darling angel
And trust me when I say
That in all the lives that I have yet to live,
I will always choose to stay.

No matter how many times our worlds would venture apart,
I will come find you, so wait for me, my heart.

Always yours,
Yoongi