Imagine #73: You Are My Biggest "What IF" ; You Are My Best "I'll Never Know" (One-Shot)

{Ranking update: We're already at #579, it just keeps going up and its because of you guys! :* Love you all, so here's another imagine that will make you cry...(I'm really mean, aren't I?) Sorry for that, I've been loving sad stories recently so without further ado, let's get all these feels going!}

Y/N P.O.V.

After 7 months, Patrick's finally coming back from WinTour! IT's been months since I've seen him personally, I couldn't come with him since I'm working in Chicago too and we're really doing our best to, you know, earn for our big day – our wedding day! I really can't wait for that to happen, I and Patrick have been together for 4 years now and we can't just wait to complete our pacts.

I'm currently waiting at our shared apartment, already serving the food that he surely missed. I know he's going to arrive here any time now and I couldn't wait to be with him. Finally, the doorbell rang and I immediately went to the door and opened it.

"Patrick!!" I said excitedly as I hugged the guy tightly. I heard him chuckle, god I missed that! I pulled away and Patrick kissed me on the cheeks.

"I missed you so much, princess." He murmured so silently which made it more romantic for me...but somehow, I can see worry in his eyes.

Is that worry? Or maybe not, surely the jetlag is still into him and he's probably tired, I shouldn't be thinking too much.

"Come on, just eat the food I prepared then you can go on and rest for the day." I told him sweetly and he smiled at me.

We both went into the dining room and just ate till we couldn't anymore. Patrick was talking all the time too, saying all the things that have happened in the past 7 months of their tour. He said it was probably their best one too. I'm really proud of this guy, their band just keeps on going high even if they took several years of hiatus.

"I can't just wait to spend time with you now. Actually, I filed a leave at my office now so we can just take a full out vacation. Just you and me, Stump!" I said excitedly. Yeah, having a rock star boyfriend is really REALLY hard. In fact, we never really get to stay with each other for a long time and the doubt was always in there when we're not together, but at least I know Patrick's not that kind of guy and I swear I'm so loyal to him no matter what...that's why until now we're together.

"M-Me too, princess." He said, but come to think of it, he really is looking worried right now and there were times he averts his eyes to me.

"Is everything okay, angel?" I asked him, holding his hand.

"Y-yeah, of course!" he said, smiling while looking at me.

Patrick's not really the kind of guy that would keep secrets from me for a long time, maybe something just happened to him and the band...maybe he just needs time to relax and maybe he'll finally open up.

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*One Week Later*

Something is definitely not right with Patrick, he's always...off. He's not as enthusiastic as before, I always see worry and guilt on his face, he avoids me sometimes and it really drives me insane now. I tried talking to him at times too, but he wouldn't just give in. Sometimes I get too paranoid, maybe I did something to him that resulted him to be like this...Geez, I'm hopeless right now.

We're both still staying together at this apartment we rented and this week has been the weirdest week for the both of us...it just feels like we're still miles apart even if physically we're just next to each other.

I just woke up from a nap and all these things have been bothering my head again, I was just there...laying on our bed...thinking deeply. I turned towards Patrick's side and he's not there anymore.

"Patrick?" I asked as I stand up and search the house for him. Suddenly, I heard him talking. It's really not usual for me to sneak up on him, but something urges me to do so right now.

Patrick was on the balcony, talking to someone on the phone and he's...crying. His voice sounded so confused, filled with guilt and anger towards himself. I just froze there while looking at him, god I just want to go to him and comfort the guy.

"E-Elisa I couldn't hide it anymore...the guilt will kill me, god, Y/N has done nothing wrong to me." He said while his voice was cracking. He even ran his hands through his hair, he really is confused.

I just stayed there, listening to what he is saying. Patrick's hiding something from me...and Elisa, Elisa knows and is a part of it. My heart beat is now racing too and somehow tears are also building in my eyes...I know, I somehow know where this would lead to.

"I thought I can...I don't want to leave her, Elisa, I love her so much more than I could ever describe. But this...to what I have done, what we have done...Fuck! I don't know!" he kept on saying and that's when my tear fell.

I know this guy inside out, he wouldn't act this way if this isn't a serious thing and really, I'm really nervous right now and I can even hear my heart breaking piece by piece.

"P-Patrick?" I'm finally able to speak again and fortunately I caught his attention.

Patrick looked back at me, his face all red and wet with his tear and the moment he looked at me...he just sobbed there.

"Patrick? What's going on, what is it that you're not telling me?" I asked, asked like a lost kid in front of him as my tears fell.

"Princess...I'm so so so so sorry." He said so weakly like he's giving up all that he has now.

God! Seeing him this way breaks me, what could he possibly had done for him to act this way and why am I so nervous right now?! I came forward towards him and hugged the guy lovingly as he sobbed there.

"J-Just tell me it, please, Patrick, this is killing me." I said to him while pushing myself to smile.

After that, we both headed back to the bedroom. Patrick was still crying and I know he's summoning all his courage to speak up. We sat at the edge of the bed and I took a deep shaky breath.

"I-I never meant this to happen, Y/N, I swear...I would turn back time to any extent just to –

"Patrick, what is it?" I asked this time in a very determined way. I looked over to him and he's about to break down again.

"I'm such a horrible horrible person for doing this to you..." he started, his voice already shaking.

"Goddammit, Stump! Just say it." I told him...

"E-Elisa...s-she's pregnant w-with my baby." He said and I swear that sentence broke me so fucking much.

I froze there while I stare at him as I feel my heart suddenly breaking...piece by piece. My tears flowed right through my eyes, but I made no noise...I was to shock to even move there. I stare at him as he cried and begged for my forgiveness, but all I can feel was my tears, I couldn't even feel my heart right now.

"W-we were just drunk one night and I wasn't thinking! I was missing you too much and I'm currently with Elisa that time and...FUCK...I fucked up...literally. I don't, I can't even look at you straight right now for I don't have the face anymore! You've done nothing but love me, wait for me patiently every goddamn time I went on tour...care for me even if I'm miles away and I'm a fucking horrible person for repaying you this way." He explained, he stutters with his sobs and I was still there just hearing everything he says and word per word I can feel it emotionally breaking my whole body.

I know, I know Patrick would not do this on purpose...it was just a bad...very BAD situation for him and me but...this is more than I've ever imagined happening to me. I can't, we can't continue like this...not that he's about to be a father with another girl's child.

"Princess. I'm so so so sorry, please...punch me, slap me, hurt me, shout at me...everything! I deserve all of those, I'm humiliating, I'm a disgrace, I don't know what happened to me, Y/N, but please...hey, say something..." he said while crying and looking at me.

I have no idea how much tears I've already cried, but it's still not stopping to flow. I'm lost for words, I have no idea of what to say I was just there...staring right back at him while I silently break in front of him.

"I'm so so sorry! I know this is all too much just for a mere sorry, but I have no idea what to do more...and I swear I never intended to hurt you like this...Princess, I want to marry you and stay with you for the rest of our lives but I messed it all up and I swear this...all this is killing me every day. I'm so so sorry!" he said...he's already moving towards me, slowly kneeling in front of me to beg and that's when I moved.

I held his arms and stopped him from moving while I just look at him with no emotions...I've already got numbed.

"D-don't, p-please...stop." I told him, not wanting him to kneel in front of me. "I-it's not worth it, any reason is not enough to push a person kneel in front of the other. No matter how big your mistake is, kneeling will just degrade you...s-stop it." I pushed myself to say while I held him tighter and tighter.

Patrick cried more in front of me and with that he hugged me.

His hugs...why? Those were supposed to be making me whole again, holding my tearing pieces back as whole again, but this time, why do I feel like its breaking me even more?

"Patrick." Finally...I sobbed, cried like lost girl in there as I hug him tightly like I don't want to let go. I gripped on his shirt so hard as I let the pain flow away with my tears but I think that's impossible right now. "I don't...I don't want to let go of you...why are you so unfair? You said...you said it will be just us, forever and always, but, but...why am I already left behind?" I ranted.

I swear I want to be angry with him, but I just can't. I know, maybe I'm already a martyr or something, but no matter what this guy do, I can't just go and hate him...that's how much I love him. We stayed like that in there, maybe deeply hoping that if we do, everything will just go away and be fine all over again.

But yeah, reality check, life is cruel...and it already broke the supposed to be 'forever' that we have.

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*2 days later*

I spent two days alone in my own house, I need the space to think this all through, but isn't it obvious already, I had to do the right thing...and with that I'm just like killing myself with a gun.

I fixed myself as much as I can and just drove towards Patrick's house again. He's always been checking on me of course, he's too worried for me too...but maybe not as much as I'm worried about him. Finally, I arrived at his house and the moment the door opened, I really tried to be so brave.

"Y/N." it was Elisa and she's already worriedly looking at me with all the guilt I can find on her face.

I pushed myself to smile, I know Elisa, and she's a very nice and beautiful girl. She's a part of the band since the beginning and she and Patrick have an intimate relationship back then.

"Y/N, I-I'm really –

"Hey, don't give me that look and stop it, it's not good for the baby." I said calmly then hugged her. I can already see the little bump on her tummy too. I pulled back and looked at it, gently rubbing it with my hands. "I know he or she will be as attracting as you and Patrick." I said and the moment I said that I felt like I just stabbed my chest with an ice cold knife.

"Y/N." I finally heard Patrick and saw him inside. I gave him a small smile too. The guy looked at me like he wanted to hug me right that instant.

"Um...can I just talk with Patrick for a while in private?" I asked Elisa and of course she agreed.

I walked inside towards Patrick and just greeted him with a small smile. He suddenly pull me for a hug which I just immediately broke.

"Y/N, I missed you so much..." he said sadly to me.

"Patrick, I came here to officially say good bye." I started and he just looked at me in shock.

"W-what do you...you can't just lea—

"Patrick, it's for the best." I told him, already brushing off the tears again. "I mean look, you're going to be a father now! That's one of your greatest dreams, right? And I know it will be all difficult if I stayed here. Trust me, Patrick –

"Princess, please...."

"Patrick, I'm not your princess anymore." I laughed lowly as I stare at him, seeing all the pain on his face. "Trust me, this is NOT easy for me and it will never be easy for me, but we have no choice. Let's just face that we're not for each other anymore, we need some fresh start and this is the only hindrance for that to happen." I explained to him.

"It's all my fault...

"No, it's not, Patrick. I think its just destiny doing its thing...you know, remember what we used to believe on why we met? That same thing, destiny, and now it's doing its thing again to make us realize that we're really not for each other anymore." I explained.

I placed my hands on his cheeks and smiled at him while my tears flow.

"Patrick, I swear I won't do this if I don't have too. I promised you that I won't leave you, remember? But I think our situation right now is a legit reason to break that promise." I told him. Patrick put his hands over mine on his cheeks and held it tightly.

"I'm really sorry." That's the only things he murmured that made me sadly laugh.

"Stop saying sorry, Stump. Just always think that no matter what, I'll always be proud of you." I told him and he also gave me a sad smile "Can I ask for one last favor?" I asked.

"Anything, Y/N." he said, pulling me closer.

"Can we kiss...even just for the last time?" I requested and laughed after I realized how desperate I am in there.

Before I can react again, Patrick leaned closer and closer to me until our lips met. I swear, this taste will never every leave my lips...it was too sweet and his lips were always soft. We stayed like that for a couple of more seconds, making every moment of it count. Finally, both of us pulled back and smiled at each other helplessly.

"I'll still hear from you right?" he asked while holding my hand like he doesn't want to let go and I'm telling you, I don't want too.

"Maybe, Patrick...I need to go, just go on and keep living your life to the fullest okay, Patrick?" I said, pushing his hand gently away from mine and that's really a hard thing for me to do. "Bye, Patrick." I said and with that I left...

.

With no intention of looking back

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*Five years later*

After I left Patrick, I avoided all the means that he can reach me with. I changed my number, I moved out of the country, I changed my social media account and everything like I'm on the run from some illegal things I have done.

It was hard for me of course, with just like that I lost the love of my life that I thought I will spend the rest of my life with. But what else can I do and I need to move on too. Five years have passed and somehow I can say that I really moved on too, but obviously, not fully. There were still nights where I found myself crying, thinking what could have been between you and Patrick. But you pushed through and survived those nights and now you're happy with someone else too and you're finally expecting a baby too.

I was currently in line at the hospital to go to my weekly check up when I suddenly noticed a cute looking kid running around the halls. He has a blonde hair with chubby cheeks and I swear he looked so much like Patrick, I smiled for a while remembering the guy in my head while looking at the kid.

"Declan, be careful. You might –

Suddenly, the kid lost his balance and I'm lucky I was quick. He was near me too and I'm able to caught him and steady him again.

"You okay there, kiddo?" I asked him with a smile and he just smiled back at me.

"Thank you." He said to me cutely.

"Y/N? I-Is that...you?" I suddenly heard a very familiar voice and I swear my made my heart leaped.

I smiled, a bitter-sweet smile as I look up to him – it's really Patrick. I stand up and gave him as hug as he was frozen there.

"Don't act like you've seen a ghost, Stump..." I said to him, well, somehow he has a reason why he acts this way, it's been five years too.

"Y-You look still so beautiful." He murmured and I blushed in front of me.

"Still the guy with the sweet words. Is this your son? God, he's all grown up now!" I said, it's really a weird feeling what I'm having right now...proud yet sad.

"Y-yeah." He said. "What are you doing here?" he asked me. I know he wanted to ask me so many things right now, but is just holding back which I'm really thankful for, I really don't want to get too attached to him too.

"For my check up, you see...I'm expecting too." I explained gesturing to my stomach.

"O-Oh...that's wonderful news, Y/N, so who's the lucky guy?" he asked with a sad smile.

"It's, {any of your favourite person in here xD}, you might know him or not but he's kind of a celebrity too," I explained and he just nodded. "So yeah, it's already my number so I'll go on ahead." I told him.

"Yeah and we're already going too, Elisa's waiting for us." He said but after a few seconds you're still standing in front of each other...until you realized that really...it's over for the both of you.

"Bye Patrick." You said as you walked away, smiling to yourself and finally accepting it all now. "You're just really my biggest 'what if' now." You murmured to yourself as you kept walking towards the other way.

"Bye, Y/N." I heard him faintly said..."for me, you'll always be my best 'I'll never know.'"

{Why do I keep torturing myself with this?! Ugh! Anyways, thanks for reading!!!}

photo not mine, credits to owner