Everything was literally right as I expected. I was on the path of achieving my goals, my plans were excellent (as always). Nothing bothering. And then

Boom! I met this girl that morning few years ago and we spent a lot of time doing stuff and sharing jokes and ideas, doing a lot with non stop. From her looks I can judgementally sense that she liked me.

But she was playing the coquette (those who read the art of seduction will understand better xD). That moment after analysing I actually knew I was going to fuck up, and fall for her kind, so I continued to go through my plans for few more years and few months but, eventually, I  gave up.

My thoughts were exhausted from creating scenes in which I was around her more! With her being my dominant thought, every other plan and goal faded away sluggishly, she began to be my only ultimate goal.

I simply shut my thoughts off and went after her, I obeyed anything she asked for, we sat and played different games and shared every moment possible (maximum 3 to 4 h a day) But the irony is that she began ignoring me and telling me more lies than ever and more or less MOCKING ME. Why would I waste energy on talking out lies? I'm a straight forward person, I prefer someone to be straight direct to me, it's not that I will say no, but be direct and I will appreciate it alongside with your loyalty. And I'm doing as I usually do, I see through and yet stay quiet. Why? Because that's how I function. But now she is completely ignoring me and to make the matter worse, she is spending more time with other pals in front of me, she walks away --after greeting me-- to her group of friends.

I actually conclude that I was way boring to fully full her satisfaction. Well I am always told that I am a wall. (it's not fun to have a partner as a wall, I was told that 6 times or more) And I can't do anything more about it. I did my best, I tried different ways, I read more books to understand how other people function, I moved away from my comfort zone, I wore different masks so I would be more social for her. And at the end what did I get? A message that said "thank you for being a friend who never asks about me". Lies heh? Thanks. I kept asking although I was hurt. I don't know if she actually noticed or not, how I don't do people and I can't go against all of my rules. And it damn hurt seeing myself on her second list. Literally not cool. I'm sensitive, but I'm not dumb enough to loop around and say "hello I do feel if you can't see it through my bitchy face, so don't hurt me," but no I can't be hurt easily, most of the times (that what you can see). I don't literally care if my heart contains zillion of cracks from all people I got to know, it's whatever. I don't care.

From badly fallen in love and having really high hopes and plans with her I went straight to heartbroken. My dreams were crushed, and for the first time I stopped achieving my goals, it's literally a double stab now.

The thing is that I still can't get her out of my mind, (I just can't yet) so it's like a broken ghosty goal mixed with a fictional dream that somehow gives me irational hopes that are against my logical analysis, and this crap is literally driving me insane.

I admit it, she trapped me emotionally, and I literally don't like being played around like this.

I've been contemplating in my room for a year and a half now, didn't even glimpsed outside the window (but had to attend in school but actually give a shit about my studies, grades and all kinds of living beings around me. Dark auras under my eyes. I believe it was visible to everybody). You must know that I never left you, not once I'm always there.

From mentally breakdowns and rageful rants I concluded that emotions are a curse for my plans and achievements and psychopaths and sociopaths are blessed for their ability to see matters as they purely are, without being manipulated by the toxic influence of emotions. Feelings are a trap, these experience taught me that, the more you try to understand and put these emotions logically the more you get trapped. Too many loopholes, irational motives and endless confusion that's what you will find when rationally decomposing an emotion. But keep fighting and learning.

One day she will notice --when it's too late-- (when I'm too busy) that it wasn't my fault. Just look at our situation from a different perspective and use you braty head.

Farewell.

Walk on your bath and I will literally stay here, if you actually want me, you know where to find me. I will welcome you back if you changed your dumb mind and knew that a real individual will wait forever for you to grow up.

Hope you understand.