my visit to say goodbye was fruitless.

if anything, it made matters worse.

i should've been spending every second that week of my limited time left with my family, dismissing that it would be the last time i'd see their bright and lively smiles, the last time i'd hear their concerned and kind words.

i should've been sharing shining smiles, loud laughter, and memories to be missed with them.

but being addicted to jennie just wasn't enough, having her already controlling my failing body and the overpowering roses weren't enough.

flashing lights, booming, headache-inducing music, throat burning as i forced alcohol to slide down, nose stinging from whatever cheap white powder inhaled, primitive and lustful heat surrounding my body, someone's bedsheets creased and wrinkled under me, that same person thrusting above me.

every day, every night, consistently, for that whole week in thailand, i wasn't with my family, i was elsewhere.

everything i did that week had harmed my body greatly, poisoning it further.

and it was no better when i was alone, for i was curled in a weak, trembling, sobbing ball on a bathroom floor, petals and blood droplets littering the tiles around me.