I'm fourteen years old and don't know what to do with my life. I don't know what is black or white, up or down or which side is left or right. I'm lost in the idea to be perfect and when I stop and think about myself, I realize how much time had past last time I did that. I look at myself in the mirror and I feel like breaking down and crying because last time I remember looking my hair was long bleach blonde with bangs to my eyebrows with teeth missing with the biggest blue eyes I've ever seen. Now I look at me with short brown wavy hair, My teeth straight but not white with the dullest eyes you could ever imagine with big, bright purple bags under them. Where did the time go to be a kid?

I look at my friends. They've all changed. They all wear makeup and find clothes that match trends while in fifth grade we wouldn't care and would just wear whatever looks nice to us. I look at what I wear and see parts of me I haven't seen in myself since I was younger. I see my childish charm when I wear a bright color or a graphic tshirt and I feel like crying speaking this because time is sweeping away from us and we're all just teenagers, but four years ago we started here and we starting a new time in our lives and I look at everyone and I see that child we all were in fourth grade when we would be idiots and run around in the field.

I remember going out to the farthest baseball field with Matt, David and Mayzee and playing softball or baseball because the closest one was always being used for kickball and they would never let us play on that field. I remember the fire alarm being pulled during lunch in school and we all had to walk out onto the teachers parking lot and wait. I remember being sat on the wall outside when we did something bad and feeling like crying when I was sat there. I remember sitting on those three colored polls and my friends would understand that if I was on the tallest green one I was sad, and if I was on the shortest red one I was happy.

I think back on the plays we all did and feel like crying because I know we'll never be able to do them again and I feel like crying because I'll never be thirteen again. I'll never be thirteen again...

I don't want to believe that. I want to believe that I'll be able to go back and be thirteen and have stupid crushes on boys I know hate me and try not to ruin relationships I didn't mean to ruin. I want to be able to turn back time and go back to a time where my life wasn't a mess and we were all just clueless kids who didn't know a single thing was wrong but now we're fourteen and know that everything it wrong in the world and I just can't help but feel like part of it is my fault.

I want the past to stay with me forever and I'm afraid I'm going to be looking back on my years in school with my kids and not remember kids names, faces, voices and I'll break down into tears if I find out if someone who helped me to where I will be is gone. I'll cry if I don't remember any of my schoolmates because I don't want to loose my past. I've lost enough already, I can't lose the people who've helped me when times got tough and when I wanted to drop out of school. I don't want to lose someone who was a minor character in others worlds but a main character in mine. I'll cry when I find out one of my teachers has past because they've taught me everything I know.

I need to get it stuck in my head that everything is in the past and there is no real present and I want to pause time. I want to pause time for a long, long time and look really good at all of us, but I can't. And I'm afraid I'm going to forget every single one of us but I don't have to worry about that for a long time but I worry about it now because I think ahead on things. I don't want look back on my childhood and think, I can't remember any of it. I want to look back on my childhood and remember every bit but I can't because I know I'll make more memories that'll be more important but nothing could possibly be more important then making your first friend who excitedly ran up to you in kindergarten and nearly shouted in your ear, "I'm Natasha wanna be friends?"

Younger. I want that word. We're all young in our own ways and I feel so old when I say when I was younger when I was only in third grade in the story but that was so long ago I feel the need to start stories like that because now in a teenager and then I was a child. I have to get it in my head them I'll never be thirteen again and I feel like breaking down because I'm afraid that when we come to our ten year 2021 graduates reunion party no one will show and I'll never see anyone I grew up with again and I wish I could go to Neverland and never grow old. I'm so scared to say "I remember...when?"

Word Count; 965
I broke down crying while writing this a lot