i dont feel much emotion anymore. except regret. is that an emotion? what is emotion, anyways?

why do we fixate ourselves on icons in media [whether it be books or movies or videos on youtube or tv shows or ect] and we become so obsessed that we dont want to miss a single thing and the large majority dont contribute all that much besides discussion. constant discussion.
of course there are wonderful artists and writers that amaze us with their hard work and there are those of us who share it so others can feel and share that amazed feeling.
with this obsession i feel like i waste my life away, idly waiting and not wanting to miss a thing because what if something dramatic happens? something funny? something shocking?
i have a hard time doing much else besides sitting and playing a game and listening to music waiting for new videos to come out new tweets new instagram photos new snaps

the worst part is how numb i feel. my aunt asked me if i was excited to go to the lake, dont get me wrong i love swimming its just that... nothing about doing it is ideal

then again nothing for anybody is ideal. we all imagine a better world. i know what i want. i know what things i would really get excited for, to be apart of something that helps future generations as a whole and to spread the idea of peace and love to them. to help them mentally. because most kids who sit on the internet are extremely depressed wishing they had it better. like me, i guess.
see, i would work towards this goal, im trying but i have the confidence and experience level of zero and im trying to fix myself slowly from not being an asshole being more openminded and working to fix my health and then to help others fix their health and help them through this cruel, cruel expanse of existance we like to call 'life'

one question i have always had is why people want to meet their favorite youtubers. like sure, they know you watch their content but they dont know you as a person and they dont know how you feel so why would you want to meet them if you cant be friends with them? sure, the person you look up to is standing in front of you and they are looking at you but they arent looking at your thoughts. everything you have felt and thought about them. [i know this sounds like a negative point of view but im a depressing person]

about the "becoming obsessed and sitting and waiting and watching your faves do the things they do" thing; it makes me feel valueless because i dont really provide anything to further my career (because thats what everyones working for apparently) sure you can appreciate my existance as a number part of a whole next to the like button. sure. you know there is a kid watching you on a screen laughing at what you commentate and enjoy it. ...but do you really know the person inside that meat cage? can you imagine every struggle they have been through, because they are another human being just like you? have you been in that position? admiring and loving someone so much you want to be their best friend and work with them to make the future a better place? or is the thought of them being your friend selfish because you want them like hundreds of thousands of other people do too? what makes you special from everyone else? arent you still just a number inside another bigger number that they saw next to the word 'views'? have you felt so insignificant and have thought that you amount to nothing? [im less than perfect so why do i think these thoughts, the possibility of a future i could fight for, but im too scared ill be rejected or that im not good enough or that im not experienced enough or that im not mentally stable enough or im too young or that im not just another fan because i think differently than the rest of all of them or that i wonder what our favorite youtubers think and feel and know that i will basically never be apart of their lives directly and i dont know if it hurts but i do know that those beautiful people would be burdened by me. i would keep them down. but for a moment i could pretend i could create something great and inspiring.]

i watch you anyways because i think youre interesting. i dont want to miss you growing older and miss out an inside joke ill share with so many other subscribers for what? a year? a year and a half? then ill move on perhaps and check back in a few more years to see how far youve gone. ill look at myself and probably notice i havent changed at all. then ill realize i missed my own life while you were actually executing yours.
Im glad youre happy. im glad youre such a caring person and thats how you ended up with a job getting revenue from youtube, inspiring kids and teens like us to create something and to laugh at your jokes and listen to the life advice you give us about being depressed and sad and shit.
(i get it, you are trying to explain we can do great things but sadly, its just not getting through to me for some reason. its because i know. but i literally cant do anything about going outside and being with friends because i might get rejected and im scared to go alone.))

this is coming from a fans perspective; we think you are pefect, you are a human being that goes on the internet and plays games and records and edits it and puts it on youtube for us to laugh and enjoy with you. we repay you by writing you fucking one of your friends. we repay you by liking your video. we repay you by drawing you kissing your friends. we subscribe.

from where im at [personally] i cant do much about what i do with my time because im too young and live in the middle of nowhere. what is someone who lives in the middle of nowhere supposed to do with their time anyway? create something? i tried doing that, i just dont have the courage or patience to create exactly what i want. and helping myself create what i want and do what i want costs money 9 out of 10 times. i dont have money but some would argue that 'oooh you dont need money to do everything!!!!'

see, for me, i know exactly what would help me. top surgery would boosty confidence and i would work harder and be less insecure about exercising but eyyy i do it anyway and top surgery can be upward of 2000 to ten thousand moneys.

all of my life i have reaped these long monologues of speech and philosophy to myself echoing against the sides of my head, questioning everything. its good to question everything. its good to be curious. question the motives of the people you know. (hell it may not be the same as yours but the first thing you need to know is that respecting other human beings is the first step to world peace)

what do i regret?

everything. just everything.
i regret knowing you exist because if i didnt then i would probably be growing up and doing something worth my time. but i dont want to miss you. as a youtuber you are special because youre funny and good at what you do. if i stopped watching you i would be making a change in my life and im scared of change. the *wrong* kind of change.
but i love knowing you because youre funny and you calm me down with the videos you post and the things you say and just the thought of you calms me. i know its bad to be dependent on another person like that. i know. but beauty is pain.

also, i hate school. thats obvious. there are lots of reasons to hate school. going into my 11th year after having gone to an online school for a year is a big change and why i went to that in the first place was because i was insecure about everything and i was upset because i really didnt have a reason to go. learning is hard when you are thrown into uncomfortable scenarios (dont like teacher/subject/people that bully you are there/no friends)
i regret going to an online school because this subjected me into an even more antisocial person not used to being around people. (still get stressed when going to walmart or goodwill with people) i know if i didnt i wouldnt have had the mental challenge to go through because it was way harder than regular learning jail.

for now, ill just think about what i can do. i can write 1500 words of the philosophy of being a depressed, numb to feeling, teenager that watches their favorite youtubers have children and create content that makes me laugh and kinda inspires me. inspires me to write this.

i know what i want. i want to inspire people. kids. other teenagers like me to be happy and spread knowledge that if they came this far they can go farther. inspire people ideas of peace and acceptance. to guide us towards a world that functions well with different religions and races and genders and disabilities and everything.

i want to inspire people to help others. help the planet. help create a world where no one is abused or shot or addicted to drugs or sad and lonely and depressed to the point of giving up.

im trying to start with fixing myself.

i dont know if its working, but we'll see.

-eljay