Playlist - Kill Bill by Sza

Astoria

He wmade a complete mess out of me. The release of endorphins overwhelmed my head. I almost lost the ground beneath my feet.

"What are you doing to me?" I asked him, numbness saturating my body. "This isn't normal."

"Were we ever normal?" His sharp blue eyes stared at me with a hunger of its own. They were desperate and urgent. I touched his face, caressing his cheek. He leaned into the touch, lips brushed against my hand.

It was never normal between us. Now, our normal had teetered far beyond the boundaries we had set. We both knew that. As I laid beside him on his bed, our fingers gently playing with each other, I knew it would break my heart when our time came.

I didn't know how wicked Axel really was and just like he could read my thoughts, the upward tilt of his lips transformed into a wide grin. I had already pushed him to his limits yesterday and even tonight when I refused to sneak back in the mansion, he masterfully cornered me when no one was watching and like a brute forced me in his bedroom.

And now, he very much had to have his way with me. But if I didn't enjoy all the things he did to me, then resisting him would've looked believable.

He tongue darted out to lick my collarbone, stopping to bite on my already sensitive flesh. He has never gone gentle on me. Whenever we have been together, he's already overwhelmed with some primal instinct to go hard on me.

I might know much about sex, but I knew enough to understand that it wasn't normal to constantly leave hickeys on your partner's neck which sometimes becomes a huge task to hide. I've been constantly stealing Winter's concealer to hide his marks.

Even now, his hands dug into my hips, lowered me on his manhood and ran the show. I winced at his harsh treatment. He must've not liked the expression on my face.

"We have a deadline, baby. Do you really expect me not to go hard with you? It's what you were made for. Milking my ****. " He laughed, and went wild.

I raked my nails down his back when he shoved me on my back and rolled his hips, going deeper than usual. He slid back in and thrusted hard enough to take my breath away.

"The times I have gotten off imagining you like this. You're a sight to behold."

My vision became white when he gripped me by my neck and went in hard and fast. I was burning up from his hard pace, tears weren't stopping.

"Axel," I said on a whimper. I was close to my climax, but I didn't want to come inside. "Pull out."

"Why? You don't want me to come inside you?" He spoke hoarsely.

"You know why," I said, gasping for air.

"Fine." He pulled out, but crawled on top of me, sitting on me. "Open your mouth." Hesitantly, I complied with his command.

No sooner squirts of milky white flew all over my face, in her mouth, and slid down her chin. It took us a moment to get our breathing back to normal.

I couldn't stop the tears. I turned to my side, wanting to be left alone for some time. Axel's weight lifted off me and I think he went to clean himself up. When drowsiness overwhelmed me, I felt fingers gently separating my thighs apart. Soft creamy substance smeared on my swollen pussy.

"What?" I could barely manage to get the words out of me.

"Shush. Go to sleep." Gently, Axel massaged my swollen flesh. I even felt the soft material of a cloth rubbing off his essence from my face.

I dozed off when it became a task for me to keep my eyes open for too long. The only thing I remember was being spooned by Axel before falling asleep.

***

a month later...

Cheers. Hollering.

The idealistic scenario of a soccer game between two rival teams was evident right in front of my eyes. There was a long standing history of rivalry between our school, Wilson Westlake Academy and Crawford Exeter Hall. The two teams were finally meeting each other for the championship knockout game.

The atmosphere buzzed with excitement and anticipation of the game. I, for one, had no clue why everyone was so riled up.

"I swear I will die if we lose this match."

"I am terrified. The lineup is promising, but after the last game we lost, our chances are up in the air."

I heard the conversation of the people beside me. I couldn't believe how serious it was for them. It's just a game...

Then what are you doing here?

The voice in my head reared its ugly head at me. My thoughts were betraying me, but my heart knew why I was here. I wanted to see him play. Even if I felt like a misfit in the crowd, I wanted to be there to support him... from afar at least.

I would die if he knew I was here for him. I shook the dramatic thought away. I would in fact be mortified if he found out I was here at the game for him. After all, I had declined his invitation to attend the match just last week.

It wasn't because I wasn't feeling up for it. Ugh! Even to my own head it sounded stupid to admit that I was mad that he invited me through a text. It looked like a casual invite.

Hey, I am playing this saturday. Ping me if you wanna come.

That text itself irritated me. The audacity to write ping me if you wanna come, as if I was just an afterthought. As if it would be okay for him if I didn't come to his game. Like it didn't matter to him whether I came or not.

Hurt and blinded by my ego, I had texted him that I was busy studying for SATs and couldn't make it. He texted me back a damn emoji. AN EMOJI!!! THUMBS UP EMOJI.

I felt like a butt of a joke.

Firm in my resolve, I was completely enjoying spending my saturday studying and listening to music. Until, I made a very stupid mistake of stalking him on instagram. That damn app was my demise. More than that, the pictures he had posted plus their captions fumed me right where it hurt.

Pictures of partying with friends, especially girls, half naked girls ticked me off. I reminded myself that I had no claim on him. It was stupid to be jealous of some girls who will never be a part of his life. Just like you.

Evil thoughts were also my demise.

But what screwed me up was the anguished memories that seared and flooded me with an understanding, a bitter acknowledgment that in the very core of my being, I still hadn't fully stopped loving him. That I still very much was in love with him and knowledge that he was engaged wasn't helping much to change my feelings for him.

My feelings for him scared me deeply. I shouldn't be feeling this way. Not after we were done.

"I had my fun. As did you." Axel sipped on his coffee, winking at me. "I suppose you are relieved too."

No, I am not relieved. I am appalled by the fact that you're so fine with it and I am not. I should be fine with it too, but I am shattered.

I wanted to hurl the words at him instead with a composed effort, I spoke calmly,"Indeed. It was fun while it lasted." My eyes threatened to twitch, but I kept an impassioned expression.

He smiled and reached inside his jacket to reveal a small black box. "You know how much I value our friendship and I want us to continue to be friends. This." He kept the box on the table near my coffee cup. "A token of gratitude."

"Wny this?"

"Just take it and don't ask questions," he said nonchalantly.

His nonchalance was really taking a toll on me. Without opening the box, I slipped it inside my bag without bothering with it.

We both sat in silence until it was disturbed by his cellphone. He was getting a lot of messages. The change on his devious face after reading a message told me that he was up to no good tonight.

I brooded, staring down at my coffee. I pushed my glasses up from the bridge of my nose and heard him chuckle.

"What's funny?" I asked him, a scathing bite in my tone.

"Nothing. Nothing just how everything has fallen into its place. I thought it would be difficult to put an end to us, but I am better than I could've imagined."

"Good for you."

Shaken out of my thoughts, I realized that I must look like a fool to him. I was acting cold which he would read as 'still hung up on him' and that's the last thing I wanted for him to know.

I gave him my sweetest smile and kept up the act until he dropped me off to the cottage and went to some party. In the following days, we exchanged normal greetings and smiles until he stopped looking at my way.

In the hallway, he was too busy with his friends to take notice of me. Like a fool, I had made the mistake of waving at him to which he was completely oblivious. It left me mortified and the mocking chuckles that followed were even more painful. From the talk of the town to the butt of the joke. I went from his rumored girlfriend to someone he wanted nothing to do with.

It definitely gave the cheerleading squad something to laugh about.

"Move aside, lady." I was pulled out of my thoughts and brought back to my present reality.

Yes, aggressive fans didn't enjoy me blocking their entrance to their seats. I mumbled an apology to them and went to a stands that had a little less heat. The game had half an hour to start so there were still some seats left.

To my utter bad luck, I found a seat next to Axel' ex-girlfriend's friend group. I knew Jenna and her friends noticed me when they talked about something, definitely me, in hushed voices. I tried not to be affected by them.

Not a moment later, I collided into somebody and almost lost my footing, but thankfully steadied myself.

"I am so sorry. Are you alright? I wasn't looking where I was going." I immediately apologized. I was too caught up in own head to pay attention around the sea of people I could possibly collide with.

I recognised the blonde girl. She was Luna from my Chemistry class. Her blue eyes widened with recognition when she saw whom she had collided with. I had told her boyfriend off that day in the class.

"Are you hurt?" She asked me as we both fell back into balance.

"I am alright. You?"

"Fine."

We both pulled apart. I righted my glasses and pushed my french braid off my shoulder. Luna was openly staring at me and was making no effort in hiding it. I suddenly got a little conscious of my appearance.

I had worn a simple purple cardigan and a soft powder blue dress. The color combination was maybe odd for her. I inwardly reprimanded myself for not dressing well. Not that she was dressed any better than I was. A hoodie and jeans was all she wore, but my eye caught the bracelet on her wrist and immediately knew it was expensive.

She definitely had better living conditions than me. Who was I kidding? Our school was an exclusive academy that only people within a certain tax bracket could afford.

"Aren't you in my Chemistry class?"

My irritation flared. "We have been studying together since elementary school," I said sharply, crossing my arms around. I stopped her before she could make a lame excuse. "Save it. I don't want to hear it. I am mad at myself more than you."

She took me by surprise when she extended her hand out to me. "I think we should start over. Hi, I am Luna. It's nice to meet you."

I considered ignoring her, but that would be too bitchy even for my standards so reluctantly I shook hands with her. "I am Astoria. Sorry for acting like bitch to you."

"Astoria, huh." She tested my name on her tongue as if trying to recall something. "Astoria, why don't you join me and my friends to watch the game."

To my utter bad luck, her group of friends included the people I didn't want to be around, especially Jenna. She was making it no surprise that she felt my presence was not needed, occasionally throwing death glares my way.

I ignored her and engaged in conversation with Luna. Luna was acting a bit peculiar when she sat me down with her.

"Is something wrong? You're acting strange."

She dimmed her expression. "No, I am just nervous and excited for the game."

"Yeah, me too." I admitted to myself more than her. Out of curiosity, I asked her about her asshole boyfriend. "So you're with the team captain right? Is he still an overbearing asshole? Never mind, I know the answer to it."

"I don't think you should make assumptions about a person you barely know. It's unfair," she said, sternly.

I felt bad and apologized to her. It was her boyfriend not mine and it certainly wasn't my place to judge him. Thankfully, she didn't take much offense and changed the subject.

"How come you stay in the shadows. No one has really seen you around and a beauty like you can't easily be missed. Just tell me that Axel kept you hidden from all of us. Like a precious jem."

I blushed at her words. Why did she bring Axel up so casually? I don't know why it threw me off balance. "I have had friends, Axel being one of them." I sighed at the memories. "But things changed." I snapped my finger. "Before I knew it."

"Like how?"

I didn't know the answer to it. Maybe, I never made the effort to reach out to anyone other than Axel.

Luna was very kind enough to offer a hand of friendship. I think she took pity of me, but it was good to know that I could still make friends in my life."

"That was sweet of you to offer. I think I would like to be your friend."

We both smiled at each and immediately chatted away. We had a lot of things in common. She liked watching anime like me, had broken her hand once on the playground like me and also loved baking. It took my mind off Axel and I started to relax a bit until she name dropped him again.

"How do you know Axel?" I stiffened at her words. "Isn't he your boyfriend?"

Had I been eating food it would've been immediately expelled in spits. What did she just say?

"Oh, my God." I wanted to hide somewhere. "What did you say and who told you this?" I blazed.

"Well, it came from him. He told us, Axel and me, very recently that he has a girlfriend named Astoria."

"What?!"

"Yeah, he's Ares' close friend so naturally he told him about his relationship with you."

"I can't believe him." I said the words out loud. He damn well knew that it was over between us. The fact that I was mopping and wallowing, he was out there living his bachelor life and going around telling bis friends that we were together? How atrocious of him.

"Listen, carefully. Axel and I are just friends. There's nothing romantic about our relationship."

Luna rolled her eyes like she didn't believe a word I told her.

"I don't believe you, Astoria. Even though I am not the biggest fan of Axel, I know for one thing that he's crazy about you. Why would you be here if you didn't feel the same way for him

"To support my childhood friend," I exclaimed. It was partially true. "Is there an unwritten protocol that only allows girlfriends to support and cheer for their boyfriends?"

Luna remained silent and nodded. I was agitated beyond measure and it felt wrong to take some of it off on her. I had only ever made proper introductions.

I slumped back on my seat, cooling down. "I am sorry for my outburst. I had no intention of upsetting you. I am just going through a lot of things right now."

To my surprise, she waved it off like it was nothing and made me feel comfortable around her. When the game began, my heart raced watching Axel on the field. He was effortless and skilled at footwork. I watched him awe.

The crowd bursted in roars of cheers when we got the first goal in. Luna and I hugged each other jumping. It was Axel' assist to Chase that put us on the scoreboard.

I recorded the incredible penalty save our team achieved. The game got even more interesting when our rivals got a goal in too. Naturally, we were upset about it, but that's the beauty of it.

"Aren't they just amazing?" I told Luna who had heart in her eyes and was gleaming with joy.

"I know. I love our team."

She loved one in particular.

At halftime, the players departed from the field to their locker room. It was time for the cheerleaders to shine. The hint of happiness that I had been feeling dwelled when I saw Axel wrap his arms around a cheerleader's waist.

An intense, maddening fury sank inside me and instead of making me livid, I felt sick. Before I could empty my guts right in the crowd, I ran out of the stands and searched for an empty place to puke my guts.

I felt a soft feminine hand touch shoulder and pull my braid aside. "Are you okay, Astoria?" Luna asked with concern etched in her voice.

I didn't want to lie to her. "No, I am not." She gave my water to drink, which I gladly took.

I couldn't tell her that threw up guts at the sight of some girl and Axel. It wouldn't only make me look weak, but she'll no doubt pity me. Despite my intention of not lying to her, I lied and told her I was pregnant.

Luna was like a headless chook when I told her I was pregnant. She took me back to the stands and kept a close eye on me.

"I'll take you to Axel." She took my hand. "Follow me."

The last thing I wanted was to be near Axel. I needed to be alone and my relief, Luna' asshole boyfriend demanded her attention and with an apology she had to leave me.

It was for the good because I don't know what I would've done if I saw Axel now.

***
For the next several days I was staggering to school and then falling in a heap back at the cottage. The scenario in the cottage was a different tale. Ava Trent, Axel' mother, had offered my Uncle and Aunt the opportunity to work at the mansion, taking the role my grandparents did.

Her condition was that I was to be moved out of the cottage as soon as they started the job. This was what Winter had told me. I wanted nothing more than to move out of the cottage and be done with the Trents for I cared.

I cared too much. That was my problem. I had started sleeping a little less, the sparkle in my eyes seemed to diminish everytime I looked at myself in the mirror and the eyebags under my eye were starting to look evident.

I spent a thoroughly miserable time while Axel was oblivious to everything. He barely paid attention to me and it was getting on my nerves. On the day, when I couldn't conceal the frustration that had successfully welled up inside me, on impulse I made my decision.

To confront Axel.

I whirled to stalk over to Axel. He was alone, dressed rather handsomely this late in the night. He only ever dressed formally when it was absolutely necessary and my heart slowly sank at the possibility that he was going on a date.

"Astoria," he said when he saw me standing near the threshold on his bedroom entrance.

We both stared at each other, warily.

"What's wrong, Axel? Surprised to see me? I live here, don't I?" My heart raced fast and my ears roared. "Not exactly in your house though."

Axel looked extremely good in his dashing black suit. His brown hair pushed back with a few strands of hair falling delicious on his forehead. Lost of his usual gleam in his eyes, he looked like a stranger to me.

His expression, cold. "I know you too well, Astoria. Get to the point." His tone, arctic.

"Don't I get an 'how're you doing after all this time' kind of a greeting?"

"No."

"Why?" I stepped inside, strode over to him,determined. "I was only good for two weeks, right? You got your fill of me and then tossed me aside like trash."

"That's what we both agreed upon."

My hands went to the collar of an expensive tailored dress shirt. I fisted the material. "Oh, it was what we agreed to do. A clean break. Right, but you broke the rules, Axel."

"What rules?" I held my fist hands and curled his palm around them. "There were no rules to begin with. I used you like I intended to do and you used me. That's it."

"Oh, we used each other!" My voice grew louder. "You used me." I hit his chest with palm. "And how marvelously you used me. How could I forget it?"

"We, Astoria."

"No, not we, it was all you."

"If you believe that to be, the. what do you want me to do?"

I wanted to say so many things, but his lack of reaction had rendered me speechless. I don't what was he trying to accomplish with this act.

"You know me well enough to know when I have my heart set on something then I do everything in my will to attain it. I wanted you and I had you. Did you really deluded yourself into believing that I might fall in love with you again? After you have only ever tried to push me away? That's a mighty big jump for you. Use the head in here." He tapped my temple. "Congratulations to you, your efforts have worked and I no longer want anything to do with you."

He might have been speaking about what he wanted for dinner, because his lack of reaction had me trembling like a leaf.

Was this what I had been doing all along? Pushing him away until he didn't want anything to do with me?

"The only reason you are mad is that I actually gave you the clean break you never thought I was capable of and it pisses you off." He laughed humorlessly, malice laced in it. "Don't even try to deny it."

Stumped, I felt like my knees would give out its ability to hold me.

"I am not going to chase you anymore than I already have. If you have anything more to say then be my guest. I heard the walls have ears and can listen to everything we say. They might end up pitying."

Had he actually spoken the truth? I hadn't really wanted him to give me a clean break and when he indeed kept his word, it turned my world upside down. I had expected him to still be that possessive boyfriend who couldn't let me go. To chase after me and force a confrontation.

Holding onto crumbs, I threw the things Luna had told me about him. "Why are you going around telling people you have a girlfriend then?" I told him when he started to walk past me. "Specifically mentioning my name to them. Why did you do it?" I closed my fingers around his bicep.

He stopped which gave me the chance to pull him to face me. "Answer me, Axel?"

"Who told you this?" His voice lowered. "Luna, was it?"

"Yeah, she did." I pulled his face towards mine. "Hurt me all you want, but I know the truth. I know you can't get over me even if you want to. Your words may say one thing, but your actions tell me all I need to know."

His eyes trained on me. "Say that you want me and put us both out of our misery."

"Astoria, stop it." He growled. "Stop acting selfish for one second. You hurt me first. It hurt a lot. I don't want someone who doesn't put their blinded trust in me." He blazed. "As for Luna, she's everything I hate so if you hear anything from her then know that it's bullshit. You're not my girlfriend, never was."

"I am your fuck toy." I cried. "That's all I ever was to you."

"Do you trust me?" He asked me, impatiently. When I didn't answer, his mouth turned to a sneer. "Thats what I thought."

I was not handling this touchy situation well. The man in front of me was acting explosively. I felt so dumb in the situation. I turned away from him as the tears welled up in my eyes.

"Show yourself out. I am out of here."

***

I had to save face. There were so many thing I had done that now haunted my every waking moment. I wish I could just disappear from this town. I contemplated running away to ease out the torment.

In class, I sat straight backed and very aware of my surroundings. I unfortunately shared classes with both Luna and Axel which became a challenge to maintain my composure.

Luna had asked me how Axel reacted to the 'big news' which felt like a punch in the face. There was no big news to begin with, but not wanting Luna to know that my relationship with Axel at best was rocky, I gushed out lie which sounded convincing to my ears.

She now believes I am a naive little schoolgirl who has no education of how a sexual relationship works. That was fine. I could deal with some amount of embarrassment.

On the other hand, Axel had ceased all communication with me. What devastated me was that I still loved him and wanted to put ny arms around his neck and profess my love to him, but I couldn't bring myself to trust him.

"Do you trust me?"

His words played in my head. I asked myself if I could trust him with my heart again. After all, he could never be mine in front of the world. I wouldn't be happy in a relationship where I had to hide my love.

Like a fool, I had waited for him after his soccer practice. I pushed off the wall when he came out of the gym. He saw me in an instant, but pretended that I wasn't there.

I went over to him. Determined to get him to talk to me.

"Axel." Any glimmer of hope vanished in my head when he walked past me. "Axel, wait. I need to speak to you." I kept up with his pace. "Just stop." I closed my hand around his muscular bicep, pulling him to me.

"What do you want?" He turned to face, his face impassive and lost of love that I was used to seeing in his eyes.

"I didn't sleep last night and the previous and even before that because each night I ask myself the same thing over and over again whether I can trust you."

"Let me guess the answer." He smiled mockingly. "The answer is no."

My heart sank when I agreed with him. "Not yet, but you have to hear my reason."

"Is that really you had to tell me?"

"There's more-"

"I don't want to hear it."

"Axel, you have to-" he stopped me mid sentence by grabbing my arm and manhandling me.

He shook me, dragging me along with him until it was just us and no one in sight. "You shut up. I don't want to hear a word from you." He snapped.

I pulled my elbow to the side to get out of his hold. "No, you listen to me and quit acting like a child." I said, firmly even though I was outraged with my heart beating unevenly. "I can't stand to be your dirty little secret. It's not how I want to live my life. It's unfair that you expect me to act all martyr. It will eat me alive."

"You were never a dirty little secret to me." He clenched his teeth.

"If that's so then, why can't you tell your parents about us rather than agreeing to get marry to some stranger."

"I had told you the marriage is a business decision and I can't do anything to change it. It happens in my world. It's expected of me. You can't tell me choose sides for godsakes."

"That's exactly what I want, Axel. Don't you understand? I can't stand watching you with those girls anymore. It hurts more than you can imagine."

I held my breath and watched him as my words sank inside his head. I want to fall in his arms, but when his face morphed into cold indifference, it welled up the hurt and hatred.

"You're heartless." I jabbed a finger into his chest. "And a coward."

***

Reeling back from a headache which is still fresh and painful, I decided that I needed to get coffee. I chose the nearest coffee shop and went inside to give me an order.

It was a plain, normal miserable morning until I felt a tap on my shoulder, I turned around to come face to face with a familiar face. Charlotte Richards.

"Astoria."

***