chapter seventeen ;; dinner plans
jeongguk's perspective
°☆.。.:*・°☆

"I was wondering if you wanted to go to this new restaurant that I found." Taehyung looks over at me from the ground. It was currently the time before English class starts, and Taehyung decided to come over to my area, squatting down next to my desk since all the other seats were already taken or too far away. People did curiously look at us, confused that Taehyung would be hanging around with me. It seems like no one had noticed our close proximities around school before, "They have the best meat and-"

"Tae," my voice cuts through his sentence, sending him a somewhat annoyed stare. Nicknames had apparently become a thing between me and him, "I don't eat meat, Tae, you know that."

"You don't?" he loudly questions, confused eyebrows meeting towards one another. I nod, "I thought that you didn't eat dairy or eggs-"

"That's what I do eat."

A girl with bouncy, black curls walks behind Taehyung, stopping behind him with a slight pep and strategically taps his shoulder with one finger. My hands ball into fists, anger and desperation bubbling inside of me, feeling that drastic difference in superiority between her and I. This girl wasn't Seoyun, but she surely could whisk Taehyung away just as easily.

Her face sweetly smiles down at Taehyung who turns around, slowly standing back up once again and facing her, "Hi?" he questions with clear confusion. His mouth pouts out when he's unsure of a situation, and I feel the urge to tug on Taehyung's sleeve.

"Taehyung," the girl brightly speaks with a flirtatious undertone, "Seoyun wanted to know if you guys were on for something after school today with the two of us."

My eyes drill holes into the desk, and red was running across my face with fury. I was never a person who got mad easily, but the way the girl was speaking and the fact that Taehyung had a slight smile on his face made my blood boil. I was never one to get jealous easy, except the newly formed crescent-shaped indents from nails in the palm of my hands say otherwise. I was Taehyung's, not her.

I am the one who is drawn to this boy. I am the one who belongs to him, and he belongs to me. The revelation of lonesomeness was bound to be found at some point, but it still slammed into my head at a thousand kilometers per hour. I, in no way, belonged to Taehyung. I wasn't his and he wasn't mine. I was nothing. I was a boy entranced by another through endless nights of arms of light and stares of intent. Smiles that flow through and through pushed up against walls by tears of sorrow in a heap of confusion and terror. My eyes widen, and the vision goes blurry for a moment.

I finally understood how Jimin has been feeling for all of this time, for all of these weeks on end, and it made me feel immense empathy.

"I'm sorry, but tell Seoyun that I won't be able to do anything, I have other plans." It was firm, true, and sent my head into a lightness like no other. I wondered if it was obvious, if you could see the way my hands loosened underneath the desk, if you could see my eyes soften and chest go slack when my breath hitches.

When did my heart decide that I wanted something more with Taehyung? Or maybe I should be asking myself the question, when did it fucking not?

----

The date was now on. I don't even know if you could even call it a date, and Taehyung was currently to my side. He still kept a healthy distance between the two of us, but I found myself wanting to fill it now. My feelings were that of a teenage girl day dreaming over their crush that had noticed them for once. It made me cringe, shameful of my stupid brain.

Our backpacks hung from one arm that it was slung over, and the hallways were still infested with others, a mix of every class grade. The freshmen stick to the halls in anxiety of crossing paths with an older. Taehyung and I stroll the middle, dodging people that walk between the two of us only to meet back in the center. I had no idea if I was to walk home as usual or ride home with Taehyung.

Quickly, my question was answered. Taehyung stops walking once we hit the large glass doors in the front of the school that lead out into the crowded parking lot, where students roam around and cars pull out. A few people almost get hit from being too entranced on the mobile computer that they tightly clasp with eyes glued onto the glass screen, "I'll pick you up at around five." Thump, "Make sure to wear something nice." Thump-thump, "I'll see you then." His body turns to leave, but I don't allow the thing to happen.

My toes extend my body upwards as arms wrap around necks and waists, engulfed into a warmth that's watched closely by others. A face digs into the neck of another, indulging in the risky PDA that would normally make me shake with fear. I knew my heartbeat would only take a breath to pick up, that intensified swooping in my gut causes fingers to furl tightly into the back of Taehyung's shirt. I tried to steady my breathing the best I could, almost silence it amongst the rising anxiety through public acknowledgment and making a move towards Taehyung so unlikely. What if he didn't like it?

Taehyung was surely surprised when I hooked my hand onto his wrist and yanked him back with surprising force to face me once again. His eyes were wide and mouth agape but quickly closed once his arms wrapped around my waist. Taehyung's back was hunched over at the moment, allowing me to hug his neck better. I think he was ok with it.

"I'll try to find something nice." I quietly say once we pull away. The hug lasted longer than any we had shared before, some may say it was extremely long, even for a couple.

Taehyung smiles down at me, "I'm sure you'll find something."

"But everything I own is the same." I whine while he turns away and begins to walk out to the parking lot.

"Then whip something up!" He shouts over his shoulder, a crooked grin forming onto my face.

I turn around, feeling myself going back to the reality that I'm sealed to. Queer eyes of others show, confused and perplexed. My mouth opens, seeming to want to say something, but it's stuck in my larynx, feeling like my trachea's collapsing as breathing is no longer an option for me. A chill runs throughout, and my bruised hands tightly grip onto the hem of my oversized white shirt. What used to hide me so well has become an immaculate beacon.

With a flustered face, my feet begin to move and head hung low with shyness felt like no other. Maybe others were already expecting things between Taehyung and I when, in reality, there was nothing, only a close friendship that had cumulated over a length of a couple months. The third quarter was already almost done and exams were soon to break out. Pimples will begin to form on faces, and stress sweat will emit for those who still haven't learned what deodorant is.

It was as if a thousand pimples were breaking out across my pale complexion as I walk through the hallway and out the back door, where walkers went. Even if something ever happened between Taehyung and I, I'd have to get used to these type of things. People like to stare at situations that aren't in the norm, and for Taehyung to be dating a boy- a boy like me -was in no way categorized as "normal". Seoyun may go out of her mind and form things for her own benefit...or she may accept us for what we are. I don't exactly know what happened between Taehyung and her, but I can only hope that it ended well.

It was funny. I was already thinking like Taehyung and I were a thing.

It hit me, how fast my feelings for Taehyung abruptly came. I was never one to have feelings for others, especially in a 'liking' sort of terms. After everything, loss and heartbreak, it was always my last priority. I always believed that I could live through my life without another anymore, that I was young and love isn't what controls my world, but it slowly dawned that that's exactly why I should be doing what I'm doing. I'm young and have a life to live, soon to be freshly eighteen.

This was a time of life for me to live, do things and have fun...but it was too hard, even with my new found determination. I wasn't put up for the role that others took naturally, and it just isn't who I am. Partying and having many friends didn't fit my category of a good time. Even staying out late with the others was hard for me, and I couldn't stand that idea of doing it so often.

Nonstop chills run underneath my skin like flashes the whole way home.

----

It was two forty-five when I finally arrived home, meaning that I had a little over two hours to get ready before Taehyung would come around. More than likely, he'd be here fifteen minutes early, as he always enjoyed arriving before time, just incase something were to happen or whomever or whatever was happening earlier/already ready. Two whole hours to pick out an outfit and sit and lounge around. I already knew that it was going to be a bitch to find something 'fancy'. Was fancy the word Taehyung used? He did say nice, but that can also mean fancy?

The fanciest thing I owned were a pair of pastel leggings I bought a while ago that surely couldn't be worn in public, at least nowhere Taehyung and I were heading. I wonder if he'd be okay with me sometimes enjoying the feeling of wearing female clothes. If I were to be honest, I currently owned three pairs of leggings, two hidden in a drawer, one being a purple tie-dye and the other having small Mickey House heads all over.

I skim past the leggings that hang up in my closet and stumble across a white button up, surprised that I owned such a thing. It was wrinkly from not being in use for god knows how long. It was baggy from when I used to have more meat on my bones than I do know, only proving how old the shirt had been hung up.

It was to the very left of my extremely small closet and was probably neglected for years on end. I take the creased shirt off of the black hanger, doing all I can to take out some of the intricate folds with the palm of my hand. I was too lazy to take out the iron and do it properly, in the end, settling for a not-so-neat button up that could still be worn.

After sliding on my tight pleather pants that were washed only a day ago, making them hug my legs more than usual, I take far too long on buttoning up the small buttons that run up the shirt with nimble actions that don't work. It causes me to take thirty second to one minute for each button, amazing me on how some people did these in two minutes max. It's probably because they didn't leave theirs to hang in a closet and actually wore it.

For once, I was not tying up the laces of white converse, but instead lacing up Timberlands that I bought a while ago for some odd reason. I'd planned to wear them with a pair of my leggings, but that never came around. It was constantly pushed into the back of my head as I was pushed more and more into being a man the more I got older.

I was never the most masculine man, and that remains the same today. I'd much rather play with Barbies than throw a football around. Well, that depends if I'd be throwing it to and receiving it from Taehyung. My face turns a light hue of pink while I tie up the last boot into the best bow I could muster, making sure to double knot it.

----

Another powder donut was being stuffed into my mouth when the door swung open, the swift movement coming from Taehyung who was wearing a button up too, his black instead of white button-up and black jeans instead of pleather ones. He was in all black and my god was it attractive.

My cheeks were currently puffed out and filled with sugary dough covered in white powder that was more than likely smudged onto my face in places. I had literally eaten two, and of course, the moment I put the third whole one into my mouth with bag in hand, Taehyung decides to come inside my house without warning. It makes me look like a pig, quickly turning around and shying away from him while trying to finish the last miniature donut and wiping off my hands and face with a napkin. Yeah, stress eating's a habit.

"Nice cocaine face you have going on there." Taehyung comments and closes my door with his shoulder.

I snort with my mouthful of desert, "Shut up," I mutter with a hand over my mouth to cover it while talking. The whole 'snorting with a mouthful of food' wasn't the most attractive thing to see without shielding, "you're thirty minutes early."

"Why are you surprised?" He asks with lifted eyebrows, walking closer to me and leaning against my wall. I had finally finished the donut and was able to remove my mouth from my face.

"I'm not," I simply respond, "I already presumed that you'd be here early, but not this early."

"You're door was unlocked, and I was bored."

"Why are you surprised that it's unlocked?"

"I'm not," Taehyung says mockingly with a grin, and I smile at him, "damn," he says looking down at my feet, "no white converse?"

I roll my eyes and cross my arms, pushing my hip out ever so slightly, "You're an idiot. I own other shoes-"

"-That you never wear, but good to know that I'm an idiot. Now come on, before we're late." Taehyung beckons me to follow him before deciding that holding my hand and dragging me along was better. Him dragging me around seems to have become a ritual of sorts.

"Late for what?" I ask once outside of my townhouse, the now common fall chill hitting my exposed skin which consisted of my forearms, neck, some of my collarbones, and face. I had decided to leave one of my buttons left open as Taehyung kept two opened. We were black and white while put together, night against day, stars against the sky.

"For our reservations at the restaurant, duh."

"Right."

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i'm literALL Y falling asleep while revising this so soz if any spelling or grammar is offf

ok that's all i gotta say rn bYE