chapter eleven ;; i understand
jeongguk's perspective
°☆.。.:*・°☆

The tension was unbelievably present all throughout lunch that it made me want to vomit. It was sad, knowing that Taehyung and Jimin didn't get along. I was grateful that the two at least tried to hide it the best they could, but it really didn't work out. At one point, I was almost terrified with the stare Jimin was giving Taehyung, and it didn't help that I was in between the two of them. As an instinct of myself getting used to being physically close with Taehyung, my body automatically leaned into his side, almost burying my head into his shoulder. His body heat was unbelievably comfortable to be engulfed by, so I almost fell asleep on the spot, only to be awoken by Jimin poking my side to talk to me once again.

"Jeongguk," Seokjin says once lunch is over. Jimin had to rush to his next period class since it was on the other side of school, but Taehyung stayed with me, "can I talk with you for a moment?"

"Uh, yeah, I guess." My quiet voice responds, remarkably confused.

Seokjin shows a kind smile over towards Taehyung before leading me outside of the school, into the small garden area right next to the cafeteria. I stand behind Seokjin, and we both face the sun's rays. My eyes squint in order to not be blinded by them while goosebumps drive up on my legs as it's extremely cold today.
It was stupid of me to wear shorts, but I never did and I was in the mood to. With the sky being cloudless, it allowed even more cold air to fall and warm air to go up and out of the atmosphere, leaving us in a faint frost. Convection always interested me.

I was about to question Seokjin and ask him why he dragged me out here before being shut down, "I hope you know that I care..." His old voice whispers, still not facing me. Out of culture, my respect for Seokjin was already high, he was my elder, after all, but the way that he acted around me made it immensely strengthened.

"But I don't even know you." I faintly say, afraid of angering the older.

Seokjin looks over his shoulder at me before back up to the sky. I don't know why he was staring, there was nothing to stare at, until a butterfly of green wings flutters by. It was exciting to see some form of life in the winter set as all bugs were usually dead and in Hell where they belonged, "You don't have to know someone in detail to care." He wisely says, pulling me out of my trance of staring at the dainty creature.

"It doesn't make sense, though." I say back, walking forward so that my shoulder lines up with Seokjin. He was still taller than me, setting my face into flames of being smaller once again.

"It makes perfect sense: the act that I'm pursuing is human nature, Jeongguk." He looks over once again, serious lines set into his flawless skin, "There are things that people don't know about me, not even my closest friends." Seokjin lets a sigh pass his large lips, looking down at the dull grass, "I understand how you feel, emotionally."

"That's impossible. You can't do that."

"Oh, but I can," Seokjin smiles sadly and ruffles his honey hair slowly, "I know the feeling of being trapped inside your body, thinking of the inevitable death that's bound to come every second we live longer on this treacherous Earth we call home," The smile slowly falls from his face, "it sucks."

"It's painful."

"I know...but, Jeongguk, you can't live life while claiming yourself as the only one who suffers." Seokjin's tone sends bullets through my heart that was already dragging with each passing moment through this conversation.

"I know that I'm not the only one who suffers." I offensively say, not enjoying Seokjin's words of putting me down. I've already been put down enough.

"Yes but when you think of people who suffer, you think of people in less fortunate places. Everyone knows that those people suffer, even if they choose not to care. What I'm talking about is the people that surround you. They all have heart shattering problems too..." Non-deliberate tears begin to put a glaze on my squinted eyes, and I quickly wipe them away with the back of my hand. Seokjin notices my struggle and wraps his arm around me, sending a pitiful stare filled with care, "I just want you to know that I'm here and that I understand. If you ever need anything, please, don't be afraid to ask me for help. I'll never turn you down. Trust me. I always do my best to help, and I hold that promise with honor, okay?"

I sniff, putting my head onto his strong shoulder, "Okay, Seokjin, but- but I- how do you know that what you felt is to my extent? I mean...does it still affect you today?"

Seokjin lets out a breath that I knew he was holding in his lungs. I think that he was expecting me to ask, and I could tell that he was prepared to answer me, "I, uh..." he takes in a deep breath through his nostrils and lightly closes his eyes, "I was very different before Namjoon came along." A light smile dances across his set lips, "I was recently in a relationship that just wasn't good for me, at all. I knew that I should've left the girl before, but- but I didn't. I don't know why. It it was like she had me wrapped around her little finger. No matter how much trauma she put me through, I somehow still felt the tendency to love her." Seokjin's eyes begin to turn to glass while I stare over at him, running a hand up and down his back. The blinking that he does to make the tears go away only makes them fall slowly down his face in glistening trails, "Namjoon showed me that it wasn't right to be treated the way I was. That girl put me through torture, mainly mentally but there were times where she became physical. The worst part was that no one suspected a thing. After all, who's abused by their girlfriend?" A sad and hurt type of smile slowly falls onto his face.

The part that twisted my heart was how Seokjin was classified in an odd sort of minority in domestic abuse cases. An outlier, not taken nearly as seriously compared to the rest. It was hard to think of Seokjin, someone who showed brightness and utmost care, being put down by someone like that. He deserved every amount of love he received from others. The way that Seokjin continues to put others first amazes me yet reminds me that I need to stop being so self-centered, because I am. The words that Seokjin spoke were true, even though I hated them.

"Seokjin, I-"

"Please, don't be sorry. There's nothing to be sorry for. I know that you feel bad for me and that you understand how I feel, to be trapped. You have no need to show pity for my old self, because I'm different now. Better." Seokjin finally looks over at me, my eyes tearing up while his are red with irritation of crying, "This is just to show you that it's sometimes good to open up to others, to the right people, at least."

My thin arms are around Seokjin in an instant, standing on my tip toes so that they can wrap around his neck while he wraps his around my waist. This time, there was almost no trace of a motherly feel but rather a friendly one. It was immense and pungent, finally allowing myself to have the kept in tears fall. I hated crying so often; being a crybaby was extremely shameful. I'm a man after all, even though I don't quiet feel like one at times, "Thank you, Seokjin," I whisper into his chest through silent tears. His grip tightens around my waist, pulling me closer, "you don't know how much this means to me."

Seokjin lets out a light chuckle, "I'm just glad that you were able to have people who can help you just like I had Namjoon."

"I'm glad too." I bury my head further into his chest, not wanting this vast feeling to leave.

"Jeongguk," A low and powerful voice calls out, "you're going to be late for your next period."

I sniff while reluctantly letting go of Seokjin, seeing that his cheeks were also wet like mine, "Thank you again, Seokjin."

He only replies with a nod and a light smile, sniffling as well, "Can you get Namjoon for me? I wanna see him now."

I smile up at the elder, walking away and over to Taehyung's side instead, "Hey, are you alright?" Taehyung's voice suddenly becomes quieter, observing my face and almost outreaching to hold onto it but bailing last second.

"Yeah, I am. You don't need to worry so much." I reassure him, looking down at our feet. He lets out a light laugh, opening up the door for me before we both reenter the warm cafeteria, "Hey, Namjoon?" I exhale out once we reach the table again.

"Yeah?" He looks up at me through the visor of a light pink baseball cap.

"Seokjin wants to see you out in the garden. I think it's important." Namjoon's immediately on his feet, jogging over to the door. It was an unbelievably adorable sight to see, and I feel like it's even better to watch Seokjin effortlessly go into Namjoon's arms now that I know what makes them so close. At the sight of them, I remember that my own tears are still shining against my pale skin, quickly using my oversized hoodie sleeve to wipe them away.

"What did you guys talk about that made you both cry?" Taehyung softly asks while watching Seokjin and Namjoon as well.

It's now evident that Seokjin hadn't told Taehyung about his past experience, and I can only assume that he hadn't told the others either. A smile stretches across my face, happy to know that Seokjin feels like I'm important enough to know, even above the friends that he's known for many years, "It's nothing important." I quietly say, looking back up at Taehyung before we both go back into the crowded hallways.

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remember that u can comment anything abt seokjin nd namjoon on the q&a (thank you) update!!

i felt like this was superr important even tho it was rushed and made me so emotional seokjin bby ily