chapter twenty-two ;; lashing out
taehyung's perspective
°☆.。.:*・°☆

Jeongguk was in no way alone right now, and I made sure of that. It was awful- horrible. My mind had conjured up scenarios of me knocking Jimin down and putting him in his place, destroying him for all he was, but I knew that Jeongguk wouldn't like that, no matter how many times he whimpered.

The first two hours after the scenario was spent in a sob filled silence engraved with sweet nothings passing through my mouth. Guilt continued to pour past my eyes as words fell through the lips that dared to close and leave Jeongguk alone. Movements of my tongue converted into supporting words. My shoulders were damp from his tears, but I couldn't care less. I would let Jeongguk drench my entries arms in tears if it would make him feel better.

I was infamously guilty for many things that I'd done in the past few days. It started with the day Jeongguk's lips touched mine, regretting the night on the hood of my car. It wasn't necessarily the kiss itself that was regretful, the emotions held behind it were what really made me feel the way I do. It was so...vacant. There was no loving nature to it like I'd hoped, instead pain and desperation. It felt more like coping than expressing, almost rushed. A bittersweet kiss wasn't meant to occur, and I'd much rather go back to a time where it didn't happen and do it right.

Jeongguk's face when he caught Seoyun and I. It was so stupid of me. So fucking stupid. Yes, her and I weren't a thing anymore now, but I didn't end it earlier like I should've. What Jeongguk saw was a break up. It may have been sad, but Seoyun was so understanding. I think she had seen Jeongguk and I and assumed something was brewing between us, but it felt incomplete without hugging her to seal everything, close up our past months spent together. They might've been brief and easy-going, no real tie down of anything significant or hanging out much outside of school, but it was still a time period lived and experienced.

"H- How do you feel?" Jeongguk and I were in his bed, holding him closely as usual.

It was sadly too worrying for me to actually hold him the way I used to. My arms were too strong for Jeongguk, a fear of paining the bruises that'd gone a deep purple shade.

"Better." Jeongguk would never give me more than simplistic answers. I couldn't blame him. After all, his only friend for years slammed his small and fragile body with force that would even hurt an averaged sized person into a wall.

"Are you sure you don't want me to put anything on your back?" I whisper, placing my chin onto his head, "It...it looks so painful."

"I'm used to the pain." He droned, sending shivers down my spine. Jeongguk sounds so cold, almost lifeless, skin paler than usual and face drained of all hue and shadow, "I may just be anemic." Jeongguk continues. He was trying to reassure the both of us. I wasn't meant to be the one earning the reassuring words; he was the one who was supposed to hear them.

"...Alright, I believe you."

Being anemic kind of made sense. No matter what, Jeongguk always seemed to have a tired sense to his ways. There was a sluggish sway which captivated all in a beautiful serenade of sorts. It was part of his charm, you could say. Without him being a tad tired, you wouldn't experience his true self. Jeongguk always turned into such a poet when he was tired, and I envied him for holding a powerful mind that left an impact. It was the complete opposite of his soft face, curved jaw and sloped nose.

My lips dip down, placing soft kisses onto his closed eyelids, casting sweet thoughts over the brown color that hid. Instead of bidding riddance as Jeongguk slipped off into a dream, his eyes slit. They were tired, droopy, but he did all he could to make them open. He looked weak; his outside matched my inside. Even though Jeongguk looks like a living corpse in my arms, a small attempt to a smile forms, making flowers of all types bloom within me, creating a glowing soul in darkness.

"Thank you." He whispers, letting the practically nonexistent smile fall from his rosy lips that were dry and cracked, eyes hiding behind eyelids once more.

"Thank you for what?" Fingertips drag along arms, suddenly looking so much healthier after comparing it to the newly defaced shoulder blades that protruded out in their own casted beauty like no other kind.

"Pretending for me."

"I'd pretend forever-"

"You can't pretend forever. Nobody can. Even the best magicians fail." Nails drag through raven hair that screamed 'nevermore' deep into the blued night.

"Then I'm a magician that hasn't failed yet."

"That, you are..." His voice trails off, taking his mind with it to a short traveled distance into the depths of thought and tundras of white dreams. Sleeping wasn't even a question for me. As always, I'll keep my eyes opened and trained on the younger until they can't no more.

----

Seokjin didn't take it very well when he found out about what Jimin did. It wasn't meant to come out, but when he saw the way Jeongguk was acting, he asked and I let the answer slip past my lips. For the whole day Jeongguk was like a child at my side, clutching onto me as if I was his source of oxygen and survival, constantly looking about as if he was hiding. Never had I ever felt so needed, but right now, that was the least of my thundering thoughts.

"He did what?!" Seokjin screeches, eyes angry and terrified. He made his hands up over his chest, staring down at Jeongguk than back at me, "Ji-Jimin hurt him? He...He shoved him, caused him to bruise?" There was remorse in his voice now, eyes slowly turning soft and crestfallen, "Jeongguk doesn't deserve that."

"I-It's fine, really-" The youngest tries his best to intervene at my side.

"He won't- I won't allow Jimin to get away with something like this, if it was anywhere near what happened with...with me. I-" It didn't work.

"Seokjin, please, calm down." Namjoon begs, who was beside him while his boyfriend began to shake. I understood why he was acting this way; it made sense. What Seokjin went through was the worst pain he could ever experience, and if Jeongguk- someone he cared for like his own child -encountered something nearly like it, something is bound to snap. Seokjin wasn't having it.

"Y-You." He suddenly heaves, lifting up a shaking figure as tears cloud his vision.

Jeongguk was clutching onto me with his head buried in my chest, facing away from Seokjin. His bony arms snaked around my waist, and I placed a hand softly to the back of his head with the other reaching around his back. It was only a day after the whole incident, explaining why there's still a frantic need to be held. I look to the left of me, seeing a petrified Jimin entering the restroom we were currently in. He was stuck under our sharp gazes.

"How dare you do this to someone?" Seokjin's voice growls, Jimin's body sinking further back into the wall behind him.

"Seokjin." Namjoon whispers into his ear, doing all he can to calm the trembling boy. Seokjin seemed to be slowly breaking. It hurt to watch someone so kind and caring falling apart like this.

"You're sick." Jimin snaps at those words, letting out a loud sob and curling into the wall.

The wounds that formed yesterday were still extremely fresh, but right now it was like getting a new tattoo slapped dead on with all of somebody's might. With the deadly tone of Seokjin's quivering voice and the pants emitting from Jeongguk's lips mixing with Jimin's new found tears, the scene was far too hectic to be real. I felt like pinching myself just to see if this really was reality.

"I know I am," Jimin says between sobs, "b-but I can-t help it."

"Like hell you can!" Seokjin shouts back. I wanted to shut the world out, and I could only imagine how Jeongguk feels if I were feeling the way I was.

"Please." Jeongguk says into my shirt, "Stop it." I know that he doesn't like to show his weakness, but right now he didn't care that much at all. It was an unwanted battle that had to be ended.

Namjoon holds Seokjin, pulling him into his tight arms. He forces Seokjin's damp face into crook of his neck, shushing him as he continued to tremble. It was obvious that Seokjin was fragile from his vague past of an abusive relationship, but I never understood how far it rooted into his head. Jimin just looked down at the ground with glossy eyes, his bottom lip moving nonstop.

"I hadn't been taking my medication." Jimin whispers, breaking the unbearable silence as I continued to eye everyone down, trying to slow things down in my brain. Everything was happening too fast, and I couldn't catch up with it all. Instead of my brain being put in slow motion, it was in a state of being fast forwarded. There was no time for contemplation but just to sit and listen and try to come up with something, "I haven't been taking it for such a long time now, because I felt tamed with it."

"Wh-What do you mean?" Jeongguk's surprised with Jimin, yet I'm surprised with the short boy's newly found confidence in speaking.

I think everyone was shocked, feeling like a child watching an airplane glide in the air for the first time. He had lifted his face from my chest, quickly wiping the tears away with the back of his hand. Jeongguk tried to stand tall, but it was still hard for him to do anything right. It was like his own brain was jumbled.

"I-...I have an anger disorder...a-a bad one, but," he takes a deep breath, "I'd been doing better, and I just thought that I could stop taking my medicine for a while. I-It makes me feel like I'm not in control of my own brain when they're in my system, and a-all I wanted was the feeling to stop. It feels so fucking invasive" Jimin sounded distant, his hands linking together and sniffles throughout. Even though he'd done damage, I can't help but feel some sort of sympathy for the younger boy standing a far distance, replicating his voice.

"Why didn't you tell me?" Jeongguk takes the smallest step closer, and my eyes stay close on him.

"Because I knew you'd treat me differently. All of you already are." Jimin looks up with teary eyes, "I know that you've dug up new found pity. I'm not stupid. I didn't say anything because...because I didn't want to be pitied. I- I wanted to be treated like a normal person, but obviously, I'm...not."

"Don't talk like that, Jimin." Jeongguk's tone rings soft, taking another small step forward. Everyone was watching with uneasy eyes, prepared to stop anything that may happen in a second, "You are a normal person."

"A normal person doesn't hurt their best friend like that." Jimin looks down at the ground when talking. Another small step forward takes place after his words.

"But...But a normal person makes mistakes, no matter how big." The taller looks up at Jeongguk with pleading eyes. I don't know exactly what he was pleading for, but there surely was something, maybe forgiveness for what he did. There was a firm distance between the two, approximately a little less than two meters, maybe a meter and a half, "Jimin, I don't think that I could ever forget what happened...but...I'm mature enough to know it wasn't really you who shoved me like that. I'm not giving you an excuse to make this okay, but I'm not going to hold this against you." Jeongguk sounded extremely wise, making myself question if he was really the age he went by.

"Jeongguk, I...thank you."

"Don't thank me for doing what's right, and don't expect things to go back to the way they were, because I don't think they ever will be. I can't promise a close friendship, but I can promise some kind forgiveness. Next time, take your goddamned medicine, no matter how much you feel controlled. There's a reason why you take it, Chim, and hopefully one day you will be able to live without it." Jeongguk lightly smiles towards the end, meaning every word he says, and I swear to god, a pang courses through my heart at the sight of him like this.

Jimin takes a step forward, probably prepared to hug, but Jeongguk slowly shakes his head, stopping him from doing so. Jimin nods in understanding, pulling his large lips together and not saying another word. As soon as the orange hair is out of sight, I'm cautiously trailing over to Jeongguk's side, letting him drop into my arms. Now, I'm really all he has, with the exception of the others, and I think Jeongguk realizes that.

"It's okay..." I tenderly whisper into his hair.

"I feel like I'm going to pass out." He breathes, weaving himself into my soul.

"Guys, I'm taking Seokjin home. I don't think he can handle being here right now..." Namjoon says from behind us, and I nod, watching them walk out.

My lips brush Jeongguk's forehead, "I'm proud of you." After the words pass through my lips I place a soft kiss onto the warmed skin. It was meant to calm Jeongguk down, but I knew that it was to calm me down as well. I needed someone to hold me down at that moment as everything began to pile up and Jeongguk was that person.

An epiphany occurred, racking my brain with a smooth sensation which felt like silk across the tongue and brain. I, Kim Taehyung, was absolutely infatuated with the pixie boy in my arms, admiring his being down to the core. He was something else, something that I needed: a wake up call.

There were things in the world that weren't based around me, and I feel Jeongguk was the one to show me that in little ways. Now was not a time of life to fool around but a time of life to be inspired and be inspiring, not jumping onto the partying bandwagon where lives are ruined. The smaller was in no way ruining my life, but rather giving it a meaning other than what was in front of me, and I was undeniably grateful for him being with me for the past two months.

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this is so terrible, i might just cry