chapter four ;; piano
jeongguk's perspective
°☆.。.:*・°☆

I would ultimately be lying to myself if I said that my face didn't go completely red when I saw the brown haired boy standing in front of me, arm stretched out and a square smile on his face. He looked intimidating, even with his face holding only kindness. It still scared me. Greatly. He continued to talk to me, hand outstretched, but I only blocked out his words before standing up and walking away. I had much more important things to do than create a highly potential conversation filled with awkwardness and shuffling feet. It's not like I'd hold my bargain of talking very much anyways.

The halls had finally cleared out, leaving me in a comfortable silence with the exception of a few teachers chatting here and there and small clusters of students out in the front field on their way home. One face stood out amongst them, and it made me slightly annoyed just by looking at his face. The boy that tried to trip me over complains while another tugs at his hand, "Seokjin," He whines, "I don't wanna see Namjoon and Taehyung practice. It'll be boring."

The latter boy prevails, tugging him along while saying, "Yoongi will be there." In a persuasive voice, already seeming to know that the sentence will convince the other.

"...Fine." He mumbles, letting his friend drag him along with a smile on his face for winning the battle.

Out of curiosity, I take out one of my headphones and watch them rush through a set of doors. I slowly draw down my hood, lips parting and eyebrows furrowing. In a heap of eagerness to see what the one was so excited to watch, I walk to their direction. Their figures were practically unable to be seen as I follow them down an extremely long corridor.

I'd always hear stories of people dying in the pool and in the bathrooms, and right now I was ultimately convinced that the school was haunted as the lights continue to flicker above my head. Maybe they were going to some kind of cult where their friends, Namjoon and Taehyung, would be sacrificed to their beloved Satan. You never know what could go on in this school.

I was sadly disappointed as I began to realize that there wasn't going to be any cult or blood sacrifice but rather a boring football practice. I never got the concept of football. Yes, it looked awfully difficult, having to run while knowing where an egg shaped ball is being chucked. Gym class had made us play once or twice, but I had an excuse every time to sit out while watching girls and guys fumble, trip, and fall.

Maybe it would have helped if they tied their shoes and stopped talking so much. I felt bad but ultimately chuckled when seeing an extremely prissy girl get rammed in the face with a ball. Poor girl didn't even see the it coming, she was so distracted by watching the guys stretch and play. I couldn't blame her for being distracted, some guys looked exceptionally attractive while warming up.

As I access the area behind the gate, looking over towards a group of boys before deciding to take a seat as far away from most as possible. Briskly, my eyes picked out the two from earlier, both of them with their arms around others. It made me miss Jimin, wanting company from another person that I knew and almost trusted. The only one. Everyone else was a face with a blank voice and personality.

I go back to staring at the field in hopes of suffocating the spiraling thoughts. I'd been here for almost three years, and I hadn't watched any sport involving our school teams. My attention was never sparked until seeing the pair of prominent personalities, a scene which made me envy the comfortable nature around them.

At that moment, 5 pairs of eyes gain my peripheral vision's attention, the idiots believing I'm oblivious. Their lips moved in shushed sentences. Yes, my headphones were put in, but the music was turned off. I couldn't make out words but I could hear tone: crestfallen and concerned. They all found pity in my small hunched frame, and embarrassment pushes her hands down on my swooping gut. My small lips tighten into a small line as I continue to closely listen. Someone says my name, and I instantly know who it is.

Footsteps are approaching me at a leisured pace now, and my calm and content state turns immaculately dark. Backs stiffen and grips tighten, fingers turn white as I clutch onto the phone that's in the safety of my pocket.

I should've known that it would've been an awful idea to come as I'm slowly turning into an anxious mess. I'd usually turn around and act like I didn't see them, but it was all too late now. The boy's feet- Seokjin's? -had stopped and he was looking down at me from his upright position.

My eyes darted around, trying to avoid them entirely as my breathing became heavy, drenching in worry whilst air ran more through my parted lips than my nose.

He lightly taps my shoulder. I jump. The male's eyes soften, making me feel a little more at ease than before. After he realizes that I won't say anything, slowly taking out one of my headphones, a wide grin of crinkled eyes spreads across his face, a sort of welcome that a mother gives to her son's new friend.

It made me want to cling onto the boy for safety, and I could only imagine how warm he must feel as a grey cardigan hangs off of his body, "Hello." He finally speaks, catching me off guard.

"...Hi." I scarcely say, avoiding eye contact on impulse and landing on the group of boys that are still gazing over instead.

"Um, I'm Seokjin," I can tell he's lost for words and at an awkward standpoint, "I was wondering if you would like to come over and hang out with my friends and I. Two of them, Taehyung and Hoseok, are in your english class, so I'm sure that it won't be that uncomfortable."

A hesitant smile shows at the gesture. Some form of soft blankets spread through my every being, making me want to pur in comfort. It wasn't a crush. It was something else completely that gave me a warm feeling, and as I look over to the group of boys, quickly figuring out which one is Hoseok and which holds the other name, deciding that the one with the green is Taehyung, my smile slowly falls, another unknown emotion takes over as I watch the boy staring back at me, the same face as earlier plastered onto his own like a calm deer stuck in headlights,

"I'm good...Thank you, though." Seokjin's face falls and bitterness fills my mouth, "Maybe another time, Seokjin." I add at the end, hoping that me using his name will bring up his spirits, and it discourages me even when all he shows is a grieved smile.

"That's alright, bye, Jeongguk." Seokjin softy sounds, surprised that he knew my name but quickly figuring out that Taehyung must've told him.

I look in the other direction once more and back at the cheerleaders whilst pulling my phone out, as the motherly-vibed teenage boy walks away with slumped shoulders, promising myself that I would stay to watch Seokjin's boyfriend go out as it was the least I could do for acting so awful towards him.

----

Taehyung was an amazing and aggressive player, not afraid to hurt himself nor others while playing. You could say that he was an absolute beast when it came to the game. An aura coated his sweaty frame of a wet jersey and damp hair which curls softly at the edges. I felt so small while watching in a trance. Taehyung's legs fall in and out as he sprints at full speed, catching a ball thrown at him before chucking it to someone else, making a perfect catch and pass.

It made me wonder if he was this aggressive and controlling in other situations or if it was just his quarterback-side clawing out, but I quickly shut my thoughts down, not wanting to think too much about the boisterous boy who wouldn't stop shouting for his life.

He was all too loud- the loudest on the field. I'd go as far to say that he was louder than the high pitched cheerleader who always received a wink and half assed smirk. My nose couldn't help but turn up, knowing now that Taehyung was no better than a fuckboy. It made my decision to ignore him a lot less guilt tripped.

It was all becoming too much at a speed too fast to handle, and I got a light headache from just watching and hearing it all, deciding to stand up and slowly walk away. Seokjin noticed sends a short wave. It's awkwardly returned. I still felt amateurish over what had occurred earlier between me and him.

----

As the school doors open, a puff of air warmly greeted me from the inside. Goosebumps form on my unharmed and untouched milky skin anyways at the mixture of dry heat with a dry chill. I pull my hoodie closer even though it's warmer in here than outside. Once again the soles of my white converse touch the tiled and waxed squares for a floor, fiddling with my gauges out of habit.

I calmed once trailing inside the hallways, and an atmosphere of familiarity whispered its way into my ears when stepping into the room I was looking for, dropping my school bag and walking around for a little bit. The place never got old to observe. It was very retro, the best room in the school, and it made me feel special that I was one of the only students who knew it existed. I can only thank my behavior around Mrs. Kim. Her last name was common, but her voice was definitely something new. I'd gone through many music teachers, but Mrs. Kim was by far my favorite.

Dainty fingers trail across the many music books. It was a new song almost every time. I never enjoyed playing the same thing twice once I knew it, and that's why I always forgot songs. Nothing amongst the booklets sparked my mind today. No pieces exhaled inspiration into my headspace, and so Google on my phone it was.

Dainty fingers begin to type, the sound of my fingernails against the screen occupying such a deadly silent room. I search out the new song that I was also addicted to, the male had a soft and smooth voice that was low at times. His enticing vocals corresponds so nicely with the meaningful lyrics. I could tell that the boy has experienced the pain he sings about which brings down my spirit ever so slightly.

After finding what I was looking for, a fixed set of eyes and my small rosy lips in a straight line, the coldness of the keys are soon felt on the fingertips. My dark brown eyes filled with determination look over at my small phone screen, staring at the notes as they move across the screen, doing the best I can to go along with it in tune and sync. The intro goes through smoothly and quickly, quiet simple and mesmerizing. I sometimes questioned if this was the whole reason as to why I enjoyed the song so much in the first place.

The same melody sounds, but the vocals soon come into play. To brace myself, I lightly clear my throat, licking my chapped lips before deeply breathing in and slowly exhaling through the words.

"I am tired of this place. I hope people change. I need time to erase what I gave away, and my hopes, they are high, I must keep them small. Though I try to resist, I still want it all. I see swimming pools and living rooms and airplanes." Breathe, "I see a little house, on the hill, and children names." Breath, "I see quiet nights, poured over ice and tanqueray." Breathe, "But everything is shattering and it's my mistake." My eyes begin to close, being enveloped by the essence of the song originally performed by an Australian boy not much older than I, one who is extremely successful and liberating, and being happy just as I desire to be. Faint footsteps are heard down the hallway, but no attention is payed. I'm far too into this song to give two shits about them.

"Only fools fall for you." My lips curve into the words, sounding much softer than the original, "Only fools fall. Only fools do what I do. Only fools fall." The help of my phone is no longer needed as my hands naturally move around the keyboard in fast and riveting motions. I go by luck and sound as I continue to play, and I somehow find a way to make it work. The lyrics continue to spill past my lips like a broken faucet, wishing to do this with another person as an echo.

As my eyes squeeze shut and my body sways, hands jerking around in an odd sort of way. The feeling's absolutely empowering, and there's no other way to describe it. Just knowing that someone as small and insignificant as me is able to create something that others may find appealing is absolutely eye-opening. My breaths become shaky as the emotions hit, the piano beginning to become more of a background sound by the second.

While playing I feel my body in a different way; in music my voice isn't limitless. My voice doesn't end at my non-diagnosed and loathed anxiety, instead pouring out into a space my own self occupies and myself only. My voice is a giant in music. My voice is more than a giant. My voice is limitless; I am limitless.

At the exact moment that the song ends, my eyes slowly open, and I come back to my senses, no longer out in the infinite dark container of my imagination. A dark figure who I'd mistaken for past memories licking their burning flames up my spine is that of a teenage boy. Sweaty green bangs a mess amongst his glistening skin.

And the eyes, oh boy, they're so goddamned familiar, and it makes me want to rip out my own hair that lays on top of my view at the thought of Taehyung finding my crippling body at a time so fragile like burnt sugar. It's tart and unwanted, the whole situation, and my eyes begin to tear and sting as he continues to stare with his stupid face and his stupid lean body that won't leave me alone.

"Jeongguk," Taehyung breathes out, and my shaking begins as my mouth turns down, "that was beautiful. I-"

"Leave." Is sternly ordered without a moment for second-guessing, doing all I can to fight back the tears dumb enough to fall right now.

"What?"

"I said leave." I repeat, sounding much louder than before, "Go!" I shout at the jock, and he jumps back at the loudness of my voice. The sight of it makes me want to fold into myself, hating that my own behavior is scaring another.

Taehyung doesn't speak anymore. He only sighs, not seeming to pick out teary doe eyes and shaking hands in the darkness of the room. An alluring sunset forms outside as Taehyung and I silently stand in the now extremely cold and suffocating room. It bounces off of his skin that is ever darker than mine.

I notice his jaw moving as he continues to stare me down, and a small bubble of bright pink forms out of his lips, quickly popping. I lightly lick my lips at the sight, looking over the many pins on his jean jacket before looking down at my still quivering hands that were just creating art.

"I'll see you tomorrow, Jeongguk...have a good afternoon." Taehyung sounds defeated and so unbelievably mollifying. I never knew that he could be so tender.

My head falteringly lifts up from the focused gaze on the contrasting piano keys, spotting Taehyung's back with the letter 'V' painted onto his custom jean jacket, "You too." I whisper, knowing that the boy won't be able to hear it.

----

i don't even know what to say about this ok

side note:: yoongi is a hella bias wrecker like get oUtta here