May 9, 2018

"Fuck," I announced, tripping over a dent in the sidewalk and biting my tongue. Bianca was behind me, and if I hadn't known she was fake I would've for sure thought she pushed me. But that's impossible.

Saying "fuck" really loudly in public and earning a lot of strange and offended looks pretty much summed up my day. As in it was really sucking. Yeah, Caleb hasn't bothered me, or even looked at me, but I still couldn't be... happy. Unless I was with Will that is. Even a simple text made me smile.
But alone, that was a different story.

Maybe it was the building addiction to nicotine again, and how I always wanted the head rush. Maybe the head rushes were making things worse. Or maybe it was the constant worry that bianca or Hades would be around every corner. I was starting to feel more... empty than before. Hollow. A feeling of nothingness.

Caleb didn't go to school Monday, but came back on Tuesday with bruises covering his once clear face. His nose didn't seem to be broken though.
I still avoided him, even though I know he wouldn't do anything anymore.
I told Jenny how I felt Tuesday afternoon at our session. We also cut down sessions back to once a week. I'm not sure how good of an idea that was.
Wednesday morning in art I got a text from Will at the same time Caleb was called down to the office, saying that it was over for good. Caleb didn't come back to class.

I shook my head, to try and clear my thoughts and focus back on the ground in front of me so I wouldn't trip again. It was Thursday now, and Caleb missed another day of school.
I cursed at myself under my breath to stop my thoughts from trailing off again.
Bianca was waiting for me on the other side of my room when I woke up.

I wasn't surprised when I saw her. I had had a good week or more without her showing up, it was bound to happen. I knew it would. I wasn't cured. I couldn't be.
She had been trailing me all day, almost always visible. People gave me strange looks when I would stare at her with a heavy glare, and react to things she said to me. To them I was looking at nothing.

Camilla wasn't around much today. In art she didn't speak as much, as I came in obviously distracted. She didn't ask, I think she just assumed when I start muttering curses under my breath.
Maybe I scared her away, but after walking with me to my locker, she was called over to a group of girls. She gave me a look, I'm not sure if it was pity or an apology, but she said goodbye, and ended up going to lunch with them too.

I couldn't be mad. Or surprised or hurt. Yeah, we were friends. But she had other friends. She wasn't like me. She had a social life.

I kicked a rock far ahead of me. I readjusted my earbuds and turned it up louder to block out Bianca's taunts.
It's kind of difficult to block out something that's in your head. Someone who isn't actually there.
I was tired of over 14 years of being followed by a figment of my imagination. I was jealous of normal people, who didn't have hallucinations of their deceased family members and long gone father. Who didn't hear voices every week.

My feet shuffled along, dragging along the rough cement, probably wearing away the rubber bottoms to nothing. Why I still wore my destroyed vans when I had other shoes, I don't know. I liked them.

I turned down the street into the road lined with houses and trees. Kids I'd never seen before were playing street hockey. I walked by them, with my music full blast.

"Don't you wish you had a good childhood Nico? Instead you got a dead sister and mother, and a father who abandoned you,"

Bianca's voice filtered through my music. I kept walking but squeezed my eyes shut.

"You must have been a real problem child, for your only family to left you after the rest died, huh?"

"Fuck off," I murmured, apparently louder than I assumed as a kid coming to get the ball that had rolled over to the edge of the sidewalk stopped with wide eyes. I stared walking faster.
Only one more street to my house.

"And what will getting home do for you? So you can swear louder without being judged? I'll always be here to judge you Neeks, don't kid yourself,"

"Don't fucking call me that," I growled, turning the corner. My house was in view. I kept pushing on.

"Ohhh only willlll can say that right? Your boyfriend! What would dad think nico, tsk tsk," Bianca drawled his name longer, making me angrier. Only then did I notice Wills car in the driveway, and remembered our date.

"Shit," I muttered and quickly ran my fingers through my hair and rubbed my eyes. I jogged up to the front door, hoping and praying for Bianca to leave me alone. Just for tonight.
I didn't bother using my key, as Will was obviously inside, and it wouldn't do anything if it it was already open.

I pushed open the door and kicked off my ruined shoes.
I shrugged my bag onto one shoulder. I didn't have any coat to take off now, since it was finally spring weather. Wet, yes, but grass was turning green and trees seemed to have buds.

Will looked up from his phone with a growing smile as he looked at me. He was sitting at the counter, eating from a bag of baby carrots for some reason. He also, obviously, had a coffee.

"Neeks!" He turned his phone off and placed it on the table smoothly, before hopping off the chair and heading over to me. I let my bag drop and opened my arms for a hug. He obliged, wrapping his arms around me and pulling me into his chest. I breathed deeply, letting my senses know that now I was with Will, and I was safe. Bianca couldn't hurt me now.
He let go and bent down slightly to kiss me on the lips. I smiled into it.

"Can't you see how disgusting you are nico?" Bianca's words stung me and I pulled away, now frowning.
Will studied my face,

"All good Neeks?" He asked, stroking my cheek. I wanted a good night so bad, away from everything. I wouldn't have this ruin it.
So I put on a smile.

"Of course, I just but my tongue on the way home and it hurts," I stuck my tongue out at him. His nose scrunched up as he laughed at me,
"See, pain. Also I thought you were coming at 4:30, didn't you have work?"

"I did, but it was a double shift I was doing for a friend who ended up not needing me to do it so I left to come see you," He bounced on his toes and took my hand.
"Sooo I was thinking we should go somewhere for sushi! There's a place that I love," he turned and looked at me, stopped from leading me to the stairs. I managed to grab my bag before so, and I was smiling widely again.
"Wait, you like sushi right?"

I chuckled and nodded,

"Of course Will, I'm really good with whatever, I like when you decide," I replied truthfully. He smiled and nodded and kept pulling me upstairs.

"Perfect! So let's get you dressed into not school clothes and do whatever homework you have and then goooo!" He exclaimed excitedly. I laughed at his childishness, and then winced when Bianca grabbed my shoulder. Her non-existent fingernails dug into my shirt.

Thankfully Will didn't notice and I kept running up the stairs behind him.
He slid to a stop in front of my room like a 9 year old.
I laughed and opened the door and threw my bag on my bed. Then I flopped down beside it letting my eyes fall shut. I expected the bed to sink next to me, but after a few moments and it hadn't, I opened my eyes a bit, and saw Will going through my closet. He seemed to be in deep thought, going through all of my sweaters and shirts.
His head was tilted to the side but then it snapped up.

"Hey!" He took out his grey Eliot Smith sweater,
"You still have this?!"

I chuckled and let my head fall back onto my duvet.

"Don't take it back, I love it," I told him with shut eyes.

"Ugh, fine, but just so you know that is called stealing Nico."
He went back to searching my closet so I lifted my head and looked at him again. His hair was shining in the light from outside, Barbie blonde as always. He had black skinny jeans on and the jean jacket that I love, with the little rainbow pin (that I now know is a pride flag, I was so dumb for not knowing). That jacket would be big on me, and I would love to steal it at some point too. Just to wrap myself in it.

"Perfect!" He exclaimed. I propped myself up on my shoulders to try and see what he picked. He hid it in front of him and looked over his shoulder at me.

"Close your eyes! I'm making a whole outfit and it's gonna be fantastic, no looking!"

I laughed and fell back once more. I put a hand over my eyes and listened as he went through my drawers. I also heard the sound of a spray.

"Ok I think it's done, sit up and open your eyes!" Will exclaimed.
I did as he said and opened my eyes to him standing with his hands behind his back.
At the moment I was wearing shredded jeans, an old huge black hoodie and socks with a hole in them.

"Ok first, we have less torn up jeans but torn up in a good way. Like aesthetically torn up," he threw the jeans at me and I laughed.

"Ok this is already good I like black jeans," I said. Bianca whispered something in my ear.

"Nico all you have is black jeans it's not like I could find anything else," Will chided,
"But next, we have a plain black t-shirt and black and dark green big plaid long sleeved shirt I've never seen you wear, and honestly this is a look," he grinned happily.

"I haven't worn it because I get nervous whenever I wear anything new. Camilla made me get it after my birthday," I told him. I held up the flannel. It was soft, and he was right, it'd probably look really good. I lowered the shirt and looked at him.

"And finally, we have the best cologne you have, the one you usually wear, and I think you should wear one of the fake earrings because it'd be cute," he tossed the last few things at me. He looked excited to see what I would look like with the 'new look'.
I grinned at him and stood up with my arms full,

"Ok, I'll be right back," I bumped his shoulder and went to the bathroom.
Bianca was standing behind me when I looked into the mirror. I jumped and slapped a hand over my mouth to stop from yelping out loud.

"You're going to look disgusting no matter what, have you seen what you look like?" She droned into my ear.
I turned away from the mirror, knowing she was right. I glared at the floor and the clothes I was going to put on. Will expected me to come out looking fantastic, but that was impossible. Nothing could make me look even moderately decent. I was disgusting.

"Now you're thinking right, took you long enough," I looked back at the mirror, to yell or curse or do something to make her go away, but she vanished.
I sighed and began putting on the new clothes.
I didn't look in the mirror again, in fear she would be there again. I slid the jeans over my scarred legs and slipped the soft flannel over the black shirt before spraying myself with the cologne.

"You ok in there Neeks?" I heard Will call from my room. I was probably taking a while.

"Y-yea I'll be right out," I stuttered a bit, but I was thankful my voice didn't crack. I slipped on the fake earring on on of my ears and glanced in the mirror. It actually looked really good.

I picked up my clothes and walked back to my room. I waited outside,

"Ok close your eyes, it needs to be a surprise," I grinned. I heard him laugh,

"Ok they're closed," he told me. I bit my lip to hold in my smile as I stepped in and threw my other clothes in the laundry. As my back was turned I heard a squeak. I whipped my head around and saw Will throwing his hands back over his eyes.

"Willlllll, it was supposed to be a surprise!" I complained and crossed my arms. He slowly let his hands drop in shame, but I saw his eyes light up when he looked at me.

"I'm sorry I couldn't resist! My boyfriend is just so freaking cute!" He jumped up and walked towards me. I kept pouting like a toddler until he cupped my cheeks and pulled me into a kiss.
I obviously obliged, but broke it a second later,

"I hate you," I mumbled. He laughed loudly and pulled me into a tight hug. I let my arms drop from their crossed position and wrap around his waist.
He kissed me on the nose quickly and then grabbed my hand.

"Homework's is irrelevant, let's leave now, I want sushi!" He laughed and lead me out of my room. I only had a few math questions, and they were that important.

"And I was thinking, maybe before we could maybe, I don't know, get my ear pierced?" I questioned half way down the stairs. Will stopped abruptly, almost causing me to run into him, and turned around.

"Really?"

"Yeah why not, I like yours a lot," I admitted, tucking my hair behind my ear.

"That's a great idea! Perfect, we can get that done and then eat sushi!" He let go of my hand and jumped off the last 4 steps. I glared at the back of his head because he was supposed to be being careful after he sprained it.

I quickly followed after him.
We hopped in either sides of his car at the same time.
He turned on the ignition and turned down the music drastically, since it turned on blasting nirvana. I didn't mind, it was a good pick.
He then looked at me with a sheepish grin,

"You really do look incredible Neeks, as always. You should dress up like this more often, it suits you," he said genuinely, and then added with a wink,
"And your edgy personality."

I punched him.
He laughed and pulled out of the driveway.

I didn't really know where we were going, so I looked out the window. Will, at some point,  laced his fingers with mine, leaving one hand on the wheel. It was a bit too early for dinner, so it was a good idea on my part to get my ear pierced.
The sun filtered into the car and Will plugged  in his phone to the aux cord and turned it up louder. Good riddance by green day started playing.
I looked at Will who was staring at the car in front of us. The golden light made his eyes sparkle- not in a cheesy way- but his eyes reflected the sun in such a way that I was hypnotized.
He caught me staring and I blushed and looked away. He laughed.

"Awe Neeks, staring at my incredible beauty," he took his hand and flipped his hair narcissistically. I laughed and rubbed the rubber band on my wrist that was in my hair the day before when it was getting in my way as I drew.

"Oh no I was looking at the milk moustache on your upper lip from your coffee," I replied easily. His eyes widened and he swiped his lip, but it came away clean. He glared,

"Well played di Angelo, well played," he turned the wheel, pulling into a parking lot that was used for a few old buildings, all old red brick covered in graffiti.
I glanced at Will, but he wasn't fazed.

"This is where I got mine done, and where I might get a tattoo later, but Jenny told me to go see Carmen instead cause she could get me a good deal," he turned off the car,
"I only came here before because an old friend of mine from school used to work here, and I know a few of the employees now, she introduced me to them."

We hopped out of the car, and I walked over to where he was waiting for me.

"Sounds cool," I looked over the building. It seems safe enough.

"You're fucking disgusting Nico. Ruining your skin with a piercing?" Bianca hissed. I jumped a bit not expecting the sudden insult.
Will noticed this time, a frown line etched between his eyebrows.

"You ok Neeks?" He questioned. I threw on a fake smile and nodded.

"Of course, just got shocked, I'm ok," I lied through my teeth. He trusted me to tell him the truth.
He gave me a side glance but dropped it and smiled again.
We reached the door which he held open for me.

"After you sir," he bowed and winked at me.

"Why thank you, such a kind gentleman you are," I giggled and pretended to be flattered. He laughed and followed behind me.
The inside of the shop surprised me. The walls were white and there were plants everywhere. The wall next to the glass door was just a big collage of tattoos and extravagant piercings that had been done here. There was a white rustic desk with a guy who looked like he was in his late 20's reading 'the alchemist'.

Will strut up to him confidently.

"Hey mark, we're here to get some ears pierced, is Nala around?" He asked. I stood behind him quietly.

"Hey Will, and no she's off today but we have a new girl who started a month ago, her name's Tessa, she's great too," he replied sitting up and placing his book on the table with his page open.

"Perfect! Is she free?"

"Yup, you can head back right now," he jut his thumb at one of three doors behind him. I'm guessing he meant the other glass one where I could see a girl with bright red hair piled on top of her head milled around.

Will lead me back there.
It all went by really fast.
All of a sudden my hair was being pulled back and I was being told the safety precautions. I couldn't pay attention though, because Bianca was glaring at me trough the mirror.
Then she was drawing on my ear with a pen and she showed me the little diamond stud she was putting in.
It didn't hurt at all. I hardly felt it, and didn't even come close to flinching.

"Wow you did great!" The girl smiled at me through the mirror, as well as Will, who was curling one of my hairs around his finger on my other side. Bianca was in the back.
I frowned because Bianca sneered, and made an impulsive decision.

"Can you do my lip too? I want it done," I looked at Tessa. Her eyebrow and both of her ears were pierced to the max.

"Of course! Let me just grab the supplies!" She exclaimed and hurried away. Will was looking at me in awe.

"Lip? What made you wanna get that?" He asked incredulously. I didn't want to tell him it was to rebel against my dead sister who was judging everything I did, so I just shrugged.

"It'll look good,"

"Good? Good! Nico you'll be fricking sexy!" He dropped my hair and threw his hands in the air.
"How will I compete!?"

I laughed and she came back with new stuff. It hurt a bit more but once again I didn't flinch, and we left after I paid with a new stud in my ear and a ring in my lip, that I couldn't stop touching.
And Will kept looking at it.
I had completely forgot the fact that I had a boyfriend I liked to kiss.
He asked Tess if he could still kiss me and she shook her head and said it could make it infected. She said even 4 weeks was a bit too short.
He told me as soon as we left that there were plenty of other places to kiss while we waited. I laughed.

Now we were driving to the sushi place.
And then we were there.
It was all kind of a blur, and I'm not sure if it was adrenaline from the sudden changes on my face, or my intense attempt to ignore Bianca.

We ate sushi at this incredible place Will loved on the patio in the sunlight. It was the perfect weather, and I wasn't too cold or too hot. It was amazing.
And then it was golden hour and Will insisted to take pictures of me because apparently -"the light reflects perfectly off your lip ring and earring"- in his words.

I took a few of him too, and then finished up my California roles. The sky was blue and the lighter was perfect and it seemed to glow around him like a halo. He looked like an angel.
I was sitting back in my chair with my arms crossed and licking my lip ring while staring at him, taking in his beautiful he truly was, while his chin rested on his hand and he seemed to be doing the same. We weren't talking, we didn't need to.

I reached forwards and grabbed my water and sat back in my chair. I raised it to my lips, and then had to readjust it to not touch the piercing. Will spoke as soon as I took a sip,

"I love you so much Nico," he confessed.

I choked on my water.

I put the glass on the table and covered my mouth as I coughed violently, trying to recover. I wouldn't be touching that water again, as I spit all the remaining water that I hadn't choked on back into it.
Will was sat up and alert now, watching me choke on water.
I kind of wish I wouldn't stop coughing so I wouldn't have to reply.
But then I did.
And I kind of just,

Stared at him.

"You don't have to say it back, I know it's important, I just know I mean it and thought you should know that I do, since I said it a while back.. drunk," he looked at his empty plate.

"I... I just- I mean-"

"Neeks, it's ok, don't worry about this, I just wanted you to know, ok?" He said reassuringly. I nodded and pursed my lips. But they started listing into a smile. Will solace, the most beautiful boy I've ever met, loved me. Fucked up me.

"Are you ok Neeks?" He asked, reaching across for my hand. I let him take it.

"I'm perfect, thank you Will," I said quietly.

Then the waitress came up to us,
"Here's your bill, thank you for coming," she said and left quickly, probably because the tension was a lot.

Will quietly paid and we walked back to the car.
Bianca was sitting behind me the entire car ride but all I could think of was that Will loved me. He actually loved me.

And then were in front of a house I didn't know.

"This is my moms house, I had to give the car back," Will chuckled,
"I'm gonna get us a cab back to our houses."

I looked at him quickly, cracking my neck in the process. Houses, as In separate, meant he was leaving.

"Will can you stay over tonight? Or do you have class early tomorrow?" I asked and then regret it. What if he didn't want to after I didn't tell him I loved him back?

"Stay over? Like the night?" He asked and I nodded. He grinned,

"Of course Neeks, I'd love to,"

And then all of a sudden we were back at my house. I'm not sure why happened in between, it was still all a blur. But Jenny and Carmen must've been out because they weren't home and it was 8:00.
It became less fuzzy after that.
We watched a movie together but we're both tired so after cleaning my new piercings we went up to my room and fell asleep, his arm wrapped around my waist and my back pressed against his chest.

A/n
I'm a bit late but I'm ILLEGALLY ON MY PHONE RN FOR YOU GUYS SO BE HAPPY.
IF MY MOM FINDS ME IM DEAD.

ok but actually I saw dan and phil AND BRENDON URIE AMD HOLY CRAP THEYRE ALL SO MUCH MORE ATTRACTIVE IRL I LITERALLY DIED.

ok that's it also I kind of redid my room and it's nice now and I bought like 7 books so !!!!

I love you all!

Thea