March 22, 2018

You know what sucks?
After a week of being able to wear shorts 24/7 and not worry about anything at all, being thrown back In New York, where once a week there was still snow flurries, and a ton of responsibilities.
As you can guess, I was back in my attire of black skinny jeans, oversized sweaters, vans and my jacket.
It was almost April and it was still this cold, which is complete bullshit in my opinion.

I glanced in the mirror before I left for school, the 4 day since I've been back.
Will was right, I didn't burn in Mexico and I did tan a little bit. It was weird to see, I've had such a light complexion for many years. It was pretty much how it was when I came from Italy. It also makes me look more like Bianca.

School hasn't been absolutely horrible, surprisingly.
For some reason, Caleb has completely ignored me. Maybe he realized he went to far and he was going to stop, or maybe someone threatened to snitch on him.
Whatever the case, it has made my welcome back to reality slightly smoother.
The first day was funny, Camilla ran out of time to talk to me when we came back so she wouldn't leave me be, which is fine, and when Rudy saw me, he looked terrified, but Wesley made him come over to me.
He pulled me away from Camilla and began profusely apologizing for telling Will about my leg. I told him it was fine and not to make it a big thing.
They had both gone to lunch with me and Camilla on Tuesday.

Back to now, which was going to school.
I had a math test today which I was not prepared for in the slightest, but I was trying to keep calm.
Yesterday, Wednesday, I had a slight mishap with Bianca, but I stayed as calm as one can, and nothing other than that had really happened. That didn't mean anything but it's ok cause for now I was ok.

Once I got to school, Camilla magically appeared beside me like always. You would think I would be able to pick her out in a crowd super easily considering she's tall, gorgeous, and dresses... the way she dresses, but she's way better at finding me.
It makes me question my 'stay invisible' tactic.

"Hey B, hows it going? Any people that, y'know shouldn't be there?" She asked off the bat.
I think her brutal honesty had gotten easier to deal with because I'm used to it now. Also it kind of makes it easier because she'll know why I'm being quiet one day, or an asshole another. Also she doesn't really ask a lot of questions if she can tell I don't want to answer them.
She's good that way.

"I'm ok I think, I have that math test today though," I told her. She waved her hand, a few silver bangles on her wrist jingling.

"Pshhh it's fine, don't worry bout it, it'll be all good," she assured me. She was much taller than me today, wearing heeled black boots, along with skin tight leggings and a crop top, showing off her toned stomach.
My skin, even with its natural tan back, wasn't as dark as hers, but she was Latina, and I was Italian, so I guess that makes sense.

"Yea I know, it'll be fine," I grinned up at her. I needed to look up at everyone. I don't like being short.

"Yes you will be, now, Madison, the bitch, is trying to hang out with me all of a sudden and I don't love it," She unhooked from me so we could get by a big group of freshmen.

"Ew, why would she do that?" I asked. I was really good at knowing what to say around Camilla now, and how to react to her 'problems'.

"I don't know! So I told her to fu-" a teacher came out of the class we were passing so she cut off what she was gonna day,
"Screw off. She completely ignored it and asked me to go to lunch with her today!"

"That's weird." I dodged past a tall football guy run down the hall.

"Yea I know right! Obviously I said no," she looked at me.
"But what if, she like, is planning something with Caleb! That would be bad!"

"I thought you told me they broke up over March break cause her parents got pissed at her cause she stole a ton of their alcohol?"
She waved her hand in the air again and we arrived at her locker. She unlocked it (I'm not sure how with the acrylic nails) and put her bag on the ground.

"That means nothing. She wasn't at school on Monday but on Tuesday I walked into the girls washroom and they were attached. ATTACHED! It was a horrible sight and I left immediately," she shuddered at the thought and squatted down to take out a binder in her bag to put in her locker.

"Oh yikes, you didn't tell me that," I leaned on the locker next to hers.

"I pushed it to the back of my mind so I wouldn't see it in my nightmares, sorry," she grinned up at me (for once). She started to snicker and so did I.
She heaved her back pack over her shoulder right as my phone buzzed.
I pulled it out of my back pocket.

"Ooh I wonder who that could be," she said sarcastically, but closed her locker and looked over my shoulder as I unlocked my phone anyways.
It was Will, obviously, sending a good morning text telling me he had to work a shift that night so no Cafe. We went on Tuesday, so it was ok.

"Awe he's so cute," Camilla sighed,
"I want what you guys have."
She leaned against the locker and looked at the ceiling in fake grief.

"You Will Cami, it'll happen," I laughed after a quick reply to Will.
Camilla looked at me suspiciously, because only recently I had stared calling her Cami after I heard her younger step brother call her it over the phone. I don't think she minded though, because sometimes when I said it she would smile a little bit.

"Yea but like," she pushed off the locker and we started to go to our art class,
"You have it now. You! I Mean no offence but I assumed I would have a more permanent boyfriend before you."

"So did I, except not the boyfriend part," I laughed. She grinned and bumped my shoulder.

"Yea you had to steal all the gay glory for yourself! I thought I was the certified gay here!" She complained. I shot her a warning glance because we were going to be passing some people soon and I didn't want them to hear.

"You're Bi Camilla, you can be the certified bi in the school," we turned into the empty stairwell. It smelled like sweat and it was hot and sticky. Each stairwell was different, none the same and none good in any way.

"Close enough," she waved her hand.

We got to our Art class and got all of our stuff out to keep working on our project.

—

Sleeping was weird without Will keeping me warm now. I was so used to it that I hadn't been able to sleep the best since I got back, no more than 4 hours each night.
I know it was a problem, because I can't get used to that, I doubt Jenny would let me stay over at his house (or maybe she would but who knows I didn't grow up with parents or people worrying about me).
That doesn't help the fact that I fell asleep my last class
My math test had been easier than I first expected, which is what usually happens.
Photography I was out like a light almost immediately.
At the end of lunch I was hit with a wave of death as I like to say, which means all energy is gone and it's impossible to think straight, do anything or speak coherently. It's kind of like all of a sudden you have just pulled an all nighter and you can't recover.

My brain was foggy and my whole body was in fight or flight, and in this scenario, it was to fight sleep or give in, in which you can guess I didn't fight.
I probably slept without disruption for a good 45 minutes, until I heard a shout and then an earbud was out of my ear.

"Nico this doesn't look like work to me," my teacher said, looking down on me. I rubbed my eyes and looked up at her. She looked disappointed but also slightly pitying. I've had her before, she's one of the pitying teachers. No use for them.

" 'm sorry miss, I'll get right on it," I yawned and she smiled softly and went back to her desk.
I wanted a cigarette.
But if I smoked and went to my session with Jenny, then she might hug me, and smell it, and get mad at me.
She can't know I smoke. She'll actually kill me.
So would Will. And she might make him make sure I don't. So I'm not gonna do that.

I needed something.  I wanted drugs. Whether it was weed or a cigarette or something worse, I didn't care, I just needed something.

I'm not supposed to think like that. Jenny would be mad.
I've done those worse things before, I could handle it.
But I don't know if I could hide it.
Red eyes either mean crying, drugs or allergies. Jenny knows I'm not really allergic to anything, and if it's crying or drugs she'll be worried.
Maybe I'll go on a "school trip" and leave.

That was the only upside of the foster home. As long as I didn't have a session with Jenny that night, I could drink, do drugs, smoke, and no one would know, or care. No one was watching what I did.
During my bad time in grade ten I smoked weed pretty often and I'd find and buy weird drugs. It was always alone, and it was for a new feeling every time. But I stopped cause Jenny caught drift of it, aka smelt weed on me and found an unprescribed bottle of something in my bag when I went to the bathroom at some point. She wasn't really supposed to do that but I was slightly high, left the pocket half open by mistake and they rattled when I walked In.
She wasn't happy and took everything I had with me which was almost everything because I kept it in my bag so no one would steal it.

Anyways it was a great time. From time to time I wanted to go to that time and get everything back. To feel numb. To feel high as a kite. It felt kind of... freeing.

It was bad though. Bad for me. It made everything a lot worse if I wasn't high. It increased my anxiety, made me more antsy, sad, and worst of all was the voices and hallucinations. So I would almost always be on it for like an entire month.

It was really bad.

Suddenly the teacher was behind me again,

"Still working?" She asked.
I nodded and grabbed my binder for this class out of my bag.

As you can assume I didn't do any work.

I also didn't have a lot of time to go home before walking to Jenny's office so I decided to get chocolate 'cause why not, chocolate is completely healthy and better for you than smoking.

After saying goodbye to Camilla and waving to Rudy and Wesley, I walked out of school.

I was in a haze, and I didn't really know where I was going.
I got honked at because I almost got hit by a car, and I rolled my ankle and sent pain through my entire lower right leg.

By the time I got to the ice cream place that I appeared in front of, I had about 45 minutes, and I decided to spend 10 of those minutes sitting in a chair with my head down and my music blasting in my earbuds.
Then I got some type of triple chocolate ice cream thing and left.
I sat on the bench outside.
The sun was out but it was still cold. I don't know when it was supposed to get warm but there was only a week until it was April and considering 'April showers' have been snow storms so far, I wasnt so happy.

My head felt foggy and my eyes hurt. It physically hurt to focus on anything.
I imagined these were the beginning signs of glasses, which before now I had never had any problem.
I was probably just tired. I was tired. I wanted to sleep.
I ate my ice cream slowly, while staring off into space.
At some point someone awkwardly sat on the other end of the bench so they could text. I glanced over and saw their fingers moving a million miles per minute.
I thought of Will the first time we met, me not even wanting to make eye contact and him frantically texting someone, probably Cecil or something. I never asked him why he was so nervous around me that day, who he was texting or why.

I guess I didn't really need to know but it'd be an interesting story to hear.

It's crazy that that was almost 7 months ago. Seven months! I've known Will, Will solace, the person who I am now dating and who helped me figure out I was gay, seven months ago.
It feels weird, wrong, to think about because it seems like years ago, but at the same time like it was yesterday.

Another thing that kept me up at night;
Will saying I love you while intoxicated.

He hasn't said anything about it since. Nothing. Nada.
I'm not sure whether I'm happy or sad about it because on one hand he doesn't remember but on the other hand he doesn't remember.
So if he didn't mean it, it's like it never happened, but he could have meant it, in which now he may not say it again because he doesn't know if I'll say it back.

I don't think I would yet.
Loving is a big thing in my book. And yes of course Will is one of the most important people in my life right now, as my best friend and boyfriend, but I don't know.
I don't know.

Even if I did I'd probably be to scared to say it in fear of rejection.

The person next to me got up and left. I checked my phone, I had 10 minutes to get to Jenny's.
I jumped up and threw out my half finished Ice cream and started towards Jenny's.

By started I mean sprinted.
I weaved around people and shoved by crowds (while saying sorry over and over again) and tripped a few times and ran into oncoming traffic because I had just missed the walk sign and I didn't want to be late.

I arrived In front of the building with 2 minutes to spare panting and heaving. I was sweating in the cold temperature and I felt like I could pass out. I was not a runner. Not at all.
I put my hands on my knees and tried to catch my breath. It wouldn't come back.

Still panting like a dog, I went in and dragged myself up the steps of the old grey building, because I wouldn't care if I had fricking asthma, I would not take the elevator.
I arrived in front of the door but i could hear talking inside, so I waited.
Waited- aka, slumped onto the floor beside the door with my back against the wall and my head between my knees.
I couldnt catch my breath and I needed water. Why did I decide to run in the first place??

I think I've decided to not do that again. Ever. Maybe I should just be on time the walking way.

Soon enough (but it felt like hours) a girl with red eyes and hair tied into a messy bun with hair spilling out over her shoulders left the room, not even realizing I was there.
She went to the stairwell and I dragged myself up and into the room.
Jenny was on the couch with her phone, probably texting Carmen.

"I need water," I gasped and collapsed on the couch. She looked up and saw me and tried to hide the amusement in her eyes.

"Almost late were you?" She asked, standing up and getting water from the cooler on the other side of the room. She was snickering while I glared at the back of her neck, like any teenage son would.

"Yea and I can't have you worrying about me so I ran," she turned around and walked back over to me, handing me the cup. I tipped it back and chugged the whole thing before dropping it (it was plastic don't yell at me) and flopping onto my back breathing deeply with a hand over my eyes.

"Should I be worried? You've seemed so good since mexico," she took a seat.

"I haven't been sleeping," I mumbled. She sighed.

"Do you know why, could it just be the time change?"

"I don't think so, I don't really know though," I told her even though I did know. I was used to the warmth and comfort of my boyfriend. I couldn't tell her that, because then she'd be suspicious and she probably doesn't want her son sleeping with his boyfriend yet, even if it wasn't in that way, she would have no proof that nothing happened.
Then she would probably give me the talk and I did NOT want that.

"We'll just keep an eye on it ok? If it's still bad for the next couple weeks we'll do something about it," she thought for a moment while I got up and got more water,
"You never really went in depth about mexico, how was it?"

I walked back to my seat sipping my drink. I was thinking carefully, because there were parts I could easily tell her to let her know it was amazing, and there was stuff I definitely could not tell her; drinking, swimming and drinking, drinking, swimming and then sleeping with Will.
And a lot more that she probably shouldn't know about. Ever.

"We did a lot," I started taking another sip. Jenny raised an eyebrow at me,
"We ate out a lot, we went shopping, snorkelling, but we mostly just stayed at the beach."

"The beach huh? Well Will finally got your natural tan back didn't he?" She laughed and I laughed slightly too.

"Yea I really loved it there, so did Will."

"But from I remember there was a beach side bar there, I'm not sure if you saw," she smirked and looked down on me as I choked on my water. I coughed for a good 3 minutes before I could speak.

"Um," I squeaked, my voice cracking. I covered my face with my hands in shame. To my surprise, Jenny started to laugh. Laugh. At me. For my shame.

"Nico it's ok, I'm not mad," she chuckled, trying to calm down. I looked up from my hands slowly,

"You're not?" I asked quietly. My hair had fallen over my eyes but I could still see her amused expression.

"No honey, not at all," she started to laugh again,
"I knew it would happen, I just wanted you to be safe, and you were with Will so I know you were."
I nodded my head quickly,

"Of course, yes, we were safe, I didn't drink a lot, we were very careful," I agreed.

"I know nico, I trust you," she chuckled, stood up and stretched. Her hair was getting long now and reached to her mid back as she outstretched her arms. She was wearing a shirt that I'm pretty sure I saw Carmen wear last week.

"Thank you, for trusting me," I murmured. She smiled warmly at me.

"Why don't we go home and make an early dinner yea? We can talk more then," she held out a hand and I took it. She pulled me into a hug.
"I love you nico," she whispered into my hair.

"I love you too," I replied. She let go and grinned.
"Ok let me just go pack up my purse and then we can go," she was in a good mood.
I can't imagine going back to the foster home now. Just the thought of it made me shiver. I don't know how I got so lucky.

A/n
This chapter is shit and 4 weeks late I'm sorry guys. Writing has been a problem for me lately idk what's wrong with me. Anyways I'm at my cottage all long weekend and that gives me lots of time to write so I'm 85% sure I'll have another chapter up before Tuesday. Don't hold me too it tho.
Also I know it's short I had no ideas for this dumb chapter, but after the next one there's some good ideas.
I love you all, thank you for not giving up on me❤️❤️

Thea