((Pretty much entire thing is a trigger warning for like all reasons so read carefully please))

June 15, 2018

"Nico? Nico!" My head snapped up at Camilla snapping her fingers in front of my nose, long acrylics dangerously close to my eyes.

"Hm?" I looked back down at the canvas on my desk, trying hard to focus on Camilla and my project and not Bianca's now-constant insults and the empty feeling inside me.

"Dude, are you seriously ok? You look like a mess," she did a half hearted swipe of her paint brush on the canvas she was painting on. Her eyebrows were creased, and her lip was pulled between her teeth. I wanted reassure her, tell her that frowning would make her makeup crease. Unfortunately but not surprisingly, I didn't have the energy.

"Yeah, I'm fine," I lied smoothly. I was, in fact, very not okay.
I had never felt so horrible- I've surpassed grade ten by far. Nothing was appealing to me- not chocolate, or McDonald's, or spending time with Camilla.

Everything was draining. Everything hurt.

I was hyper focused on the events the night before. Will had come over to keep me company, and I had yelled at him for no reason. As soon as I turned to face him, and saw the hurt on his face, I burst into tears and started apologizing profusely. I barely remember what I had said to him besides "you fucking asshole, why won't you leave me alone?".
I didn't want to be alone, though. The thought of being alone with my thoughts... it terrified me. The issue was that I had no energy. No energy for anyone but him- and he had a life outside of me.
He understood, and forgave me like it wasn't the tenth time I had fucked up. He held me while I cried, stroking my hair and my back. I had wanted him to stay the night, but he had a lecture early this morning that he couldn't be late to.
I didn't sleep for more than an hour, maximum.

"Are you sure? You kinda look like you were hit by a bus," Camilla stated, flicking the paintbrush back and forth absentmindedly. She had her chin in one hand as the other made minuscule swipes on the white.

I frowned at her, but I knew she was right.
I hadn't showered in a good 4 days, which wasn't a good look as my hair grew long again, and it hung over my face like a greasy curtain. The bags under my eyes were purple, my skin was pale and blotchy from lack of nutrients and throwing up whenever I ate more than half a meal. My teeth and jaw were beginning to ache, but I couldn't stop it. My body rejected everything.
I probably looked half dead.

"Just didn't sleep last night, I said I'm fine." I replied, sounding snappy at the end of the sentence. I cringed at the tone of my voice. She gave an offended huff, but let it slide. I brought my thumb to my mouth and began to chew on my nail.
I could tell I was going to develop a headache. My sinuses were congested and my eyes hurt. I was dizzy, and my brain wasn't functioning. Bianca whispering in my ear made it arguably 10 times worse.
She had always been cruel, but the past week had been unreal.

My temporary replacement phone buzzed on the desk. Will texted me, finished his first lecture, telling me that he loved me. I quickly said it back before shutting off my phone and glancing at Camilla as she glared at her art project.
I yawned, and tears sprung to my eyes. I could feel the overwhelm begin to take over my body. My chair flew backward when I suddenly stood, hands pressed into the desk below me. Camilla's black curls bounced when her head shot up, eyebrows raised in question. I ignored her worried glance and asked the  teacher to go to the washroom.

Bianca strolled next to me, hands in her pockets and strides wide, kicking her feet out wide in front of her like an excitable child. She easily built up my anger.
Recently... I've just been so angry. And sad. And empty. Everything fucking hurt.

Blindly, I stomped to the smoker bathroom. As soon as I walked in, I stepped up to the mirror, and punched it hard.
It shattered more than it already was, thick glass shards dropping into the sick below it. I didn't flinch, even though my hard was already bruised and wrapped from the wall incident.
I glanced at it as it pulsed in question, clenching it and flexing it slowly. It was like I was watching someone else's pain, and not my own. I couldn't feel it.

"What are you really here for Nico? To break things and ruin some lives? It seems like you're doing a fantastic job," Bianca smiled with her hands on her hips behind me. I glared at her through the shattered glass mirror.

"Why can't you fucking leave me alone?" I asked, wishing I punched her instead of the mirror. I felt like I was going to throw up.

I spun to face her and yell when a wave of nausea hit me and- wow what a surprise- threw up. I barely made it to the toilet before puking my breakfast. My nectarine. It was basically stomach acid.

Thankfully I didn't make a mess- my shoes and clothes came out safe. I shot up from my knees and scraped my hand across my mouth.
Without a second glance at the room I just wrecked havoc in, I slammed the door open and stomped back to class.

Stalking into class with an aura of upset gifted me with Camilla staring intensely. I grabbed my chair and sat down with a deep breath. I picked up my paintbrush and let it hover over my painting.

"Nico, your hands are shaking," Camilla pointed out quietly. I squeezed the brush tighter and glared at my whitening knuckles, but it didn't do anything. My hands kept trembling.
I was so angry at the world, at myself, and at my brain for being wrong, it was all I could think about.

I was wrong. I shouldn't even be here. My mother obviously didn't want me, Bianca left me, my father dropped me off without saying goodbye. My thoughts were plagued and make believe people ruin my life. I liked boys instead of girls. I was violent and angry.

I dropped the paintbrush, splattering red paint on the desk, and grabbed my bag. I tore the zipper open and quickly shoved my hand inside it to grab the pills that Jenny prescribed. They were supposed to calm me down. While they didn't really work when I was this worked up, it was worth a shot.

I grabbed my plastic water bottled and put the pill in my mouth. Chugging the water, I felt the pill slip down my throat. I tipped my head back to face the ceiling and rubbed my eyes with one hand. Camilla's eyes practically bore into my skull.
I needed a smoke. And Will. Hopefully both. Those were the only two things that brought me down.

I pushed forwards over my art and stared at it, but I was really looking. My eyes wouldn't focus no matter how hard I tried.
Camilla decidedly stayed quiet as I thought.
Prom was tomorrow. I had to go with Camilla and Will. There would be a ton of people and it'll be so loud. Then I have the last exams of high school that I will no doubt fail.

I wanted to have a good time, I really did.
Will bought a nice suit and Jenny took me out to buy one as well. Camilla had a gorgeous dress and heels she couldn't stop talking about. My two favourite people (other then Jenny and Carmen) would look amazing and they were so excited.
But I wasn't. I didn't want to go, and I didn't want to be at school, or go to university, or get a job,
or live.

The pill wasn't working.
I stood up again but snatched up my bag this time.

"Nico where are you going-"

"Not here." I snapped, shouldering my bag and leaving the classroom, the teacher shouting behind me.

In the hallway I turned my music as loud as possible (to try and ground myself) and grabbed my new pack of cigarettes and lighter from my bag.
I was blowing white clouds before I was outside the doors.

And I walked.

Bianca was still in my head, but I tuned her out with the music in my ears.
I wasn't really sure where my feet were taking me until I appeared on a street I recognized.
My head was really starting to pound. Every time Bianca said something I felt like Caleb was slamming my head into a wall again.

I was on the road of Wills apartment building. I blew out the last of my third cigarette and threw it in the trash. Chain smoking, of course.

I ran up multiple flights of stairs until I was at Wills door.
I was out of breath and bent over. I wasn't even sure if he was home. He probably wasn't. He told me he had work. I don't know why I was here, I would just be disappointed.
Maybe I didn't want him to be there.

I was on a ledge and needed to be talked down, but no one was around to do so.

I stood up and knocked anyways.
I waited with my hands on my back and heard someone shout 'one second!' and a crash.

A few seconds later Cecil opened the door. His eyes widened in surprise to see me, looking like a train wreck, at his doorstep.

"Nico?" He asked, as if to make sure it was me.

"Yes. Is Will here?" I asked impatiently. I needed a hug. Or comfort. Or a sweater.

"Uh, no, I'm pretty sure he's at work right now, and I'm not sure when he's gonna be back," he replied, reaching up and rubbing the back of his neck like Will does.
I grit my teeth together in annoyance,

"Can I come in for a sec?" I asked. He nodded mutely and stepped back.

"I mean sure," he said as I stepped in and walked through his house, passing a knocked glass of water in the living room. I bee-lined to Wills room.

I opened the door and went straight to his closet, opened it, and grabbed the first not-colourful and large sweater I saw. It was light grey, which I didn't know he had, and had a little red logo on the top left corner. Merch for "the neighbourhood".
I shoved it in my backpack and left his room.
I passed Cecil cleaning up the water.

I left without saying goodbye, and went back down the stairs.
Outside of the building I took off my sweater and put on his, letting it engulf me and breathed in deeply. It smelled like him.

Then I started walking again.

Something was wrong. Very wrong. Everything looked different, strange, warped, and just... wrong. Or maybe it was just me.
It was a cloudy day but the weather was warm. It wasn't rainy or windy. The people were all the same. The pigeons still flew above me. The buildings were all in their places. The cars still honked.

It was definitely just me.

I brought my lip ring in between my teeth and sucked on it. This was all too much. It was too much.

I stopped walking and leaned against the building beside me, bending over and dropping my head in my hands. I wanted to scream. I was so tired of the shit hole that was my life. I was so sick of it.
The music probably wasn't fixing my headache.

And, once again, I was walking, pushing through crowds and crossing streets. I just wanted to be home. Sleep was what I needed. I needed to get out of this mind state. It wasn't safe. My mind wasn't safe.  Not anymore.

It took a long time, longer than I remembered the distance from Wills house to mine being.
My feet hurt when I got to my street.
I ran up the steps of my house and used my key to get in.
I immediately stripped off my shoes and went upstairs. I was restless. Bianca was still in my head.
I paced my room a bit. Opened a few drawers but found nothing that I wanted.

"God you're annoying nico. Just go away. No one needs you,"

I sat on my bed and put my head in my hands again, pressing the palms of my hands into my eyes.
The worst part about the voices is that I knew they weren't real. I knew it was my thoughts put in my dead sisters mouth.
To make it seam that it was her telling me to kill myself. To make it seam I wasn't the one that was suicidal.

I pulled at my hair as my head pounded and then crawled underneath my blankets.
I fell into a light sleep.

And woke up 3 and a half hours later, some how feeling worse then before.

And that's how I ended up on the edge of my bed with a gun in my hands.

It was Carmen's gun. She had told me where it was, and why she had it. Apparently she used to be insanely paranoid before she met Jenny, and kept a gun just in case. She didn't want to take any chances with break ins.
And she used to do target practice.

Maybe she shouldn't have told me, considering the reason I had it now probably was the exact opposite she wanted it used for.

I stood and placed the gun on my bed. Raked my fingers through my hair. Squeezed my neck.
My head sounded like white noise. White noise and Bianca telling me things I already knew.

I just couldn't stand it anymore. I just wanted to give up. Stop it all. Stop the hell that my life was. The hell that my whole life had been.
I wanted to stop the tears that were now streaming down my cheeks, faster and faster by the second. Stop the pain in my chest and my dead families voices in my head.

That's all I wanted. And I felt horrible.
About wanting it, that is.
I didn't think I was going to die this young a few months ago.
I thought I would be able to get out of school, go to university.
Make a life with Will. Get a real job. Be with him for as long as I could.
I based my small view of the future off of him.
I thought the voices would fade- maybe even go away. I thought I would find happiness.

But this was too much. No one should have to live like this. It's torture.

Leaving would be good, even though it's selfish. I know it is. Leaving without saying goodbye to the people I love and who love me was shit. But, in actuality, they would be much better without me.

Will could get an amazing boyfriend, who wouldn't weight him down, stress him out, or hold him back from doing what he wants. One that could support him properly, and love him more than I do. If that's even possible.
He needed someone who would last, who he would grow old with and have kids and grandkids. Have a long life full of love. Not have me preventing his happiness.

And Jenny as well. She could live a more carefree life with Carmen. A life where they don't have to spend all of their money and time on a boy who they barely know.
They could have the money to get married and adopt proper kids, young ones, and not a fucked up 18 year old. They could have regular lives.
Their lives would be easier without me, even if they tell me the opposite. They may be sad, but life goes on.
But not mine. No, that is over.

I pulled the ends of my hair. I walked back over to my bed.
I needed to leave today. End the hurting.

I should say goodbye though. To Will and Jenny. But then again, they would try and stop me, and talk me off the ledge that I didn't want to be talked off of. And it would be harder for everyone.
I was such a selfish bitch.
But they both deserved better lives.

"God Nico, you don't deserve to live. We know this, it's common knowledge. Go away. Stop procrastinating," my dad appeared. Bianca and my dad. Almost a family gathering.

They were waiting for me to kill myself. Their eyes were excited.
And I wanted too. But it felt wrong not to say goodbye. Jenny and Will were the people that kept me alive and tried to make me happy. Feel safe. They kept me alive this long and made me feel like I deserved to live. I loved them more than I've loved anyone. They were my life.

I sat and took the gun in my hands. I wasn't even fully sure if I'd do it right. I mean, it couldn't be that hard, right? It would be easier if I knew how to use a gun...
There was also the worry that I messed up- if I missed, or didn't hit a vital point. I would end up leaving myself in pain or immobile, in worse shape than I started.

I stared off into space in front of me, and then grabbed my replacement phone from my beside table.
I opened it with my thumb and went to my most recent text.
It was this morning, him telling me he was out of his lecture and going to the next one. I scrolled up to our last goodnight, last night, and him telling me he loved me.
I loved talking with him. He made me so happy. We could talk about everything. Anything.

Maybe if he had stayed over I would've been okay today. I wouldn't have been so defeated.
But this was not his fault. It couldn't have been his fault. Nothing was his fault. He is amazing.

He deserved the best.

I texted him three words, short and hopefully enough for him. Simply saying "good bye love,".
I placed my phone of the bed, not bothering to shut it off, and then turned my attention back to the gun.

"Go on then," Bianca prodded, standing in front of me suddenly. It seemed her voice was right in my ear, although she was a few feet away.
I shut my eyes.
It wasn't particularly the way I thought I would go, but as I said, it's for the best.
I began to raise the gun up to my head.

And then Will decided to walk in and ruin everything.

"Hey Neeks, I got off my shift early with some negotiating to come see you and I just got your text, what does-" he looked up from his phone after opening the door and came face to face with what I was about to do. My waterlogged eyes widened and his mirrored,
"Nico?" He sounded scared.

"Will," I choked out, my voice breaking from crying so much. My face was probably bright red. I hiccuped,
"Will please go away, please. You have to let me do this. I can't live like this anymore." Will's jaw dropped, bottom lip trembling.

"Nico, please, think this through. Think about everyone that would miss you, h-how much I would miss you. I would- I can't even imagine Nico, please, you can't leave," he stuttered, eyes wide. His words shook as he tried his hardest to stay calm.
But I knew what he was doing- he needed to keep me talking. Stay calm to make me calm down, even if he was just as upset as I was.

He couldn't convince me I was ok. I wasn't. And I would keep suffering. It wouldn't get better. He wouldn't convince me I was ok because I was far from it.

I stood from the bed and lifted the gun higher to my head.
Wills eyes widened to the size of plates in fear and threw his arms out to stop me. His feet held him in place, knowing better.

"W-will you don't understand. God, I love you so fucking much, but I need too do this. It's- it's too much. It hurts so much Will. You can't understand how much it hurts. I need to it stop," I sobbed, breath hitching. My hand shook more than my voice did, hand gun rattling at my jaw.
My heart broke as tears began to well in his eyes. But he dropped his arms and stayed calm.

"Hey, l-listen to me. You- you're amazing Nico-" his voice cracked. He swallowed deeply, "You can't listen to what the voices say, none of it is true. You are incredible. I-I want to have a life with you. Move in together and get married Nico. I want to spend my life with you. D-don't leave me, please. Please don't leave me." Tears began to spill over his eyes and trailed down his cheeks in salty streaks. He hastily swiped them away. My eyes were locked on the expression on his face- love, fear- but in my peripheral vision I noticed his hand moving. He was on his phone.
I quickly realized what he was trying to do and moved the gun from my head to him. I clutched it in both hands, hating every second of it.

"Will, stop. I don't want anyone else to get hurt, especially because of me. But I will shoot you if you try to stop me." This hurt. I was threatening one of the most important people in my life with a gun. My face was practically made of tears and snot.
He made slow movement and clicked one last thing before lifting his hands in surrender and dropping his phone in his front pocket.

"Baby," he swallowed again, his voice weak and unsteady, "please Neeks, think how good your life- our life could be. We could do so much together, we could grow old together- just p-please put the gun down," he begged taking a step forward. I instinctively took a step back, my legs pressing into my bed.

"Stop. D-don't move, I- I will shoot you. Don't come any closer, please," I couldn't stop crying- I was hardly understandable through the tears and mucus in my throat. The tears wouldn't stop until they physically could not keep going.

"Just shoot. Kill him and then yourself. He's being selfish trying to stop you," Bianca said. She was cunning, but right now I didn't want to even touch him with my hands let alone anything else. I would collapse like I always do around him. I wouldn't be able to keep going. I would melt into his touch, and then I would be locked away.

"Ok, let's just- let's just talk about this for a minute, like a session," Will told me, taking a step back again. I lowered the gun, and pointed it back at myself. In his eyes I could see the battle between staying still, and coming over to me, taking the gun and holding me until I was off the ledge.
His eyes were the first thing I ever noticed about him when we met. They blew my mind.
"Nico why do you feel you need to do this? Why do you want to leave?" He choked out painfully.

"I-" Wills phone vibrated, making me cut off, but he ignored it like it didn't happen
"It's just-everything hurts Will. I can't- no one can live like this. You'll be better without me. Just let me-"

"Nico, you do realize I couldn't live without you here, right?" His tears cling to his jaw, wet and salty, before dropping onto his shirt. His calm was so forced.

"Yes, you could, and you would live a happier life. A better one," I stumbled, hit with a wave of dizziness. I tripped back onto my bed in a sitting position, clicking a part of the gun in the process. Will flinched so hard he nearly fell over himself. I peered at it and predicted that I had turned off the safety. I brought the gun higher. Will looked like he was going to scream.

"Nico! Wait, please god, wait. Just think, please, we could get a house together! We could- we could," he broke off, and choked on a badly held back sob, wiping the tears off his face with both hands.
"We could have a life together, adopt a little boy or girl, and watch them grow up. Get married, maybe in Italy, or Mexico or somewhere beautiful, and get a house in New York somewhere. J-Just think what we could do together."

"I-I don't know Will. You know I would love that. That's all I want. But the voices won't go away. It's been 15 years," my hand shook, and the gun couldn't stay still. My hair stuck to my forehead with sweat. Bianca and my father kept prodding me.

"But-"

"Will, please understand," another wave of tears bled from my eyes as I raised the gun and pressed it to my temple. The pressure on my hair was comforting.

Will shouted and threw himself forwards, and I jumped up from the bed when I heard the sound of a door being broke down downstairs, followed by the sound of shouting.

I stared at Will, eyes shining with betrayal. I thought he out of all people would get it.

"Will how could you?" I asked.

He looked momentarily guilty but with a new look of determination clouded his features. He yelled, signalling whoever was downstairs that we were upstairs. Before I could react, he jumped on me.

He knocked me sideways and slammed me onto the hard wood floor. The bullet that was meant for my head was shot, hitting my desk. The gun was louder than I previously thought it would be.
I screamed- throaty and real- while underneath him. I struggled under his grip as he pinned me down and pried the gun out of my hands, throwing it across the room.

I yelled, cried, and kicked, trying to squirm away from him. It was no use, he was bigger than me. I kept screaming 'how could you' until they were the only words I knew.

The people slammed open the door and saw the scene at hand.
One of Wills tears dropped onto my cheek,

"I'm so sorry," he whispered before the people yanked him off of me and grabbed hold of me so tightly I had no chance of escape. So I gave up.

I sagged in the arms of the men and sobbed. All I wanted was for the madness to end. I wanted to be free.
Bianca and Hades were gone, but they would be back. I would never be safe.

The last thing I remembered was someone stabbing a needle in my arm without warning.

Wills point of view::

It was horrible. The aftermath.

They took Nico, my boyfriend. My beautiful boyfriend, while he glared at me with complete and utter betrayal in his eyes.
And then he went slack. He had given up, and I'm not sure if it it was worse than the fighting. He looked defeated. No one wants that for the person they love.
His sweater was completely covered in tear stains, and as I looked closer I realized that it wasn't his sweater, but was mine.
Through tears I glanced at him once more, his face was red and raw.
All I wanted to do is take him back from the people and kidnap him. Take him far away where no one could ever find us, and hold him forever. Never let go.

I watched them put a needle in his arm, and he passed out a few moments later.
I choked on a sob. I was sitting on the floor, on the other side of his room. I pulled my knees to my chest and began to sob.
I hadn't been enough to make him better. I could have done more. This may not have happened if I had done more.
I sobbed loudly, not caring who heard me.

I watched through bleary eyes as they took the gun and Nico out of the room. I wanted to follow them, but it was like I was paralyzed.
Someone tried to talk to me, but after they realized I was unresponsive, they gave up.

It was my fault. I could have stayed over the night before when he asked, and prevented all of this from happening.

When I saw him with the gun I sent my location and called Jenny, and when he threatened me I put it in my pocket. She must have heard what was happening, just as I had hoped, and called the police or the mental hospital that wasn't far from here.

The worst part was that everything I told him was true. I did want a life with him.
And if he had died- if he shot himself in front of me I wouldn't have been able to live.

I loved him more than anyone.

I pressed my eyes to my knees, like he always did in my car, and cried some more. I didn't know what would happen to Nico now, or how I would get over this. What I do know is that my boyfriend just tried to kill himself in front of me.

The voices faded out and I didn't attempt to move as they began to filter out of the room and disappear.
What felt like a life time later, Jenny ran into the room. She collapsed next to me and pulled me into a hug. I so badly wanted it to be Nico. He was the only one that could make this better, but he was the one that was gone.

Jenny stoked my hair as I broke down into another fit of sobs.

Soon there were no more tears left and all I could do was hyperventilate.

Jenny lifted my chin once I calmed. I saw her tear stained cheeks as well. Mine stung horribly.

"A-are you ok? You weren't hurt?" She whispered. I shook my head because mentally I was not ok, but I wasn't hurt physically. My ears were ringing, but I barely noticed.

"What-" she took a deep breath,
"Do you know why?"

"No," I croaked, shaking my head back and forth. I felt like I was going to die. This couldn't be happening. I never wanted it to end like this.

"He'll be ok, he may not be the same but he will be safe now. He just needs time," she sounded like she was assuring herself more than me. I nodded mutely anyways, tears building up in my eyes once more. They spilt and I buried my face into her shoulder. I sobbed even though I thought I had nothing left.

It wasn't supposed to end like this.

A/n

H a h a. Yikes.
I'm so sorry. Did you cry? This has been planned since I started at the end of grade 8. I'm in grade 10 now.
I can't believe it's over.
I'm more sad about it being done than I am about the actual ending even though I've cried every single time I rewrote it.
Also I hope none of you who get triggered by this stuff read it. I don't want this to cause anyone harm.

All of you are important, and I want you all to know I love you and you all deserve to be alive. Not to be cheesy but I'm serious. This book mainly focuses on mental illnesses, and they are important. But they don't define you. And things do get better.

Besides the point this boom is done BUT GUESS WHAT SEQUEL.

I'm not sure exactly when I will start that cause I haven't planned it out yet, but I'm between that I'll be starting a few things;
-I'll be writing the final chapter of grieving (to tie everything together cause I gave up)
-editing this COMPLETELY, probably taking stuff out and adding scenes in and maybe adding a couple chapters
-starting a one shot book for mostly solangelo but like snowbaz is important??
-and I think I'm starting a short story that'll be 10-15 chapters, that'll be solangelo and REALLY FUN IM EXCITED

SO STAY UPDATED EVERYONE I LOVE YOU SO MUCH THANK YOU FOR STAYING WITH ME

Thea