Part 5 – Stark Raving Dad

I heard a term recently which perfectly described my mental state after having the twins - Baby Brain. This is the condition most parents gently succumb to at some point a few months after the birth of any child. It leaves you in a zombie, trancelike state that can continue for years after your child’s birth and I suspect may eventually lead to Alzheimer’s.

Many parents (including myself) end up drinking alcohol to chill out and coffee to wake up and spend most days as a shambling, barely coherent, dark eyed and hollow shell of a human being, dependant on some sort of crutch (others include sugar, internet, writing, Wattpad, energy drinks, arguments with colleagues…) to get them through the day in a vaguely awake state... and by hell it can get vague… sometimes so vague that you end up listing out all sorts of random shite.

See below for details…

85.            The quickest way to get your teenaged son or daughter to stop listening to something is tell them to turn it up because you really like it and it’s cool.

Once they’ve finished pulling faces at you for using the word cool (not cool apparently if you’re over 18 even though people older than me invented it). You can really make sure that you never have to listen to it by starting to dance too (like your dad of course), particularly if they have friends around.

Five minutes of feeling like an absolute arse is worth it if you never have to listen to Justin Bieber (…insert alternate shite band name / artist here…) again, although you may need to have a shower if you’re feeling unclean after making such a statement / display of yourself, or go and hug your old Metallica album.

86.            You will at some point start dancing like your dad, possibly due to Justin Beiber, but more likely due to alcohol, often at a family wedding.

87.            Young boys revel in the fact that they can wee standing up.

88.            Boys do not need toys, they have a penis. This can be made to do many amazing things, as demonstrated by any small boy given half a chance, usually to a rarely seen female member of the family or their teacher.

89.            Girls smell nicer than boys at any age

Children can be disgusting. Boys however seem to almost revel in it when they’re young. For years I dismissed my youngest sister in law’s claims that boys are worse than girls. She has one girl and two boys and she always said that the boys were far more nasty. Until I had boys of my own I always thought that it was merely that my eldest niece was just kinda lovely.

Wrong (well she is lovely, but young boys are just bleaugh).

When learning to do the toilet thing, boys seem able to find infinite ways of making a mess. Whether it’s just the different equipment or just an innate capability for getting covered in piss and shite, I really don’t know.

We have two little plastic steps in the bathroom to allow small children (or indeed small adults) to reach the sink while washing hands, brushing teeth or whatever else you feel the need to do in a sink. My twin boys decided to use the steps instead of the toilet and both curled out a lovely fresh pile of steamy brown stuff.

Matching turds, smashing…

More recently they’ve worked out that while one boy is sitting doing his business, there is sufficient space behind the seated boy that the other can have a pee and they can have a chat in the toilet. Occasionally this turns into a pitched battle when the one having a pee manages to misdirect his stream down his brother’s back. We seem to find ourselves throwing small disgusting boys in the shower at regular intervals, clothes and all.

Girls, as I pointed out before, always smell nicer, even if the boys have more showers…

90.            Small children cannot walk past a puddle without jumping in it.

Children will always find a puddle, especially if they are wearing non water proof shoes (I suspect that some tribes in the world use the child's natural predilection for puddle jumping to find water during periods of drought. If not, I may start hiring out my children as natural diviners)

91.            If you have just changed a very soggy nappy, your child will immediately fill the dry one with something far worse.

92.            A parent will always notice a spill immediately as it happens, rather that just before, which would enable you to move things out of the way (Jedi parenting has not yet been invented).

93.            If something hurts, girls stop and think and normally don’t do it again. Boys stop and think and then usually convince another boy to try it so that they can laugh at them.

94.       Or do it again themselves to make sure…

95.       All children look cute when they’re asleep.

96.       All children will at some point have fallen asleep in their tea.

97.       All parents will have a picture of it.

98.       Children are incredibly bendy.

99.       Kids can sleep virtually anywhere in virtually any position.

We have a picture of my youngest daughter asleep on picnic bench in the garden, lying on the seat with one of her feet tucked under her chin instead of a pillow. If I tried that I’d be crippled… or in the news… or both…

100.       Hungry, Angry, Teasy, Grumpy, Stroppy, Smelly, Giggly and Hot – The seven dwarves of “children stuck in a traffic jam”.

101.       Always have food, water and wet wipes with you. If you don’t you will end up in a traffic jam with dwarves.

102.       Letting your children sleep in the car is all very well, but when you get to your destination tired and grumpy (not necessarily dwarves), they wake up full of beans.

103.       All children at some point in their lives end up peeing on the side of the road with a disgruntled parent holding an umbrella. Boys, just for once, are better at this particular operation than girls.

104.       Demonstrating to a young child that spaghetti sticks to the wall when it’s cooked is not a good idea. It doesn’t work with Sunday roast…

105.       Or cereal…

106.       Children absorb technology, if you can’t work the DVD player, ask the nearest child.

107.       Bedtime is always too early.

108.       Explaining to young children that it's bedtime when the sun is still shining outside is nigh on impossible.

109.       Very young children find mirrors utterly fascinating (a bit like budgies).

110.       Babies will always prefer the box to the toy.

111.       Grandparents are cool, parents are not (although grandparents aren’t allowed to use the word ‘cool’ either, even if their generation did invent it).

112.       As a parent, one of the most annoying sounds in the universe is giggling from the back of the car.

113.       Kids of a certain age (somewhere between 7 and 11 depending on the child) will always get up late during the week and early at the weekend.

114.       Young children can sleep through virtually anything between the hours of 9pm and 5am. After 5am they can hear you turn over in bed through three closed doors.

115.       Dreams can cause the strangest reactions during the night.

We were woken one night to the immortal cry of “Hedgehog!”

It was repeated at several second intervals in the sort of screeched panic that has parents running across the hall before they’ve opened their eyes, expecting an intruder with a disembodied head and chainsaw.

It was only when I got to my youngest daughter’s bed that I twigged what she’d said, but found her quivering in one corner pointing at the gap between her bed and the wall and muttering “hedgehog” repeatedly. It wasn’t until I physically stuck my hand in the gap to prove to her that I didn’t have a small spikey mammal pinned to my hand that she stopped, smiled at me and instantly dropped back to sleep. Weird child… needless to say, we were awake for some time afterwards.

My own recurring nightmare as a child was of a disembodied hand floating around the house (some of you might recognise this in a short story I’ve done). One night I dreamt that it arrived above my head and was about to strangle me. At this point I awoke and being slightly worried I reached up to check and found a hand hovering above my head… I’d gone to sleep with my head on my arm which had gone dead, and had grabbed my own unfeeling hand with my other.

What was more scary was my own baby brained father staggering into the room with a golf club in response to my own screams of fright, expecting a disembodied head and a chainsaw wielding nutter…

And this one I have stolen but it’s too true to leave out.

116.       Families are like chocolate bars, mostly sweet but with occasional nuts…

(In the case of my family I think occasional may be an understatement.)