Maybe I was messed up.

Not maybe, I was surely messed up. Not physically, but, rather mentally and psychologically.

Which is to be expected, of course. What did I think? That I'll live in the streets for nearly a year and come out unscathed? Heck, I didn't expect that I'd ever find a home.

A home.

The Pattersons felt like home.

"Baby steps," Cathie said as she fussed over my ponytail and my pallid face. "Breathe, honey. The tests are almost over."

A sigh tumbled out. It was no secret I hated hospitals. To my surprise, however, I didn't dislike needles as much and I apparently hated a good deal of things.

Hate, the word felt foreign to me despite it being something I've felt for so long, intensely, deeply, harrowingly. Yet, my lack of expression of the emotion left it to fester like an infected wound, and now it's taking over my body, my soul.

For a second, my eyes connected with green and brown, earthy ingredients to safety and my lips twitched faintly as I watched them take a couple of hesitant steps away from the bed, then out of the examination room.

Cathie's warmth and William's gentle smiles were like a balm to my growing distress, soothing raging storms of anger buried deep within.

My eyes flickered over the two of them chatting with the doctor as I sat on the mattress, swinging my legs back and forth. I couldn't understand most of what they were discussing but I had an overall idea.

It was no big-brainer that I was malnourished, way underweight. Their first goal was to cover most of my protruding bones with nice, healthy layers of fat. I couldn't say that I disagreed with that for my whole body ached. Besides, it's hard to sleep or function when you feel coldness lodged deep inside your skeleton. Everything hurt and I felt like a carcass dragging what little flesh I had around.

Thus, a lot of food supplements were prescribed and a rich diet was to be followed.

On the journey to healing, I was expected to start bleeding as well, at some point. Not sure if that was a good thing but according to Cathie and the doctor it was. A period, menstruation – they called it.

William flushed when the nurse brought it up so maybe it wasn't that good of a thing.

However, if, ironically, bleeding would keep me away from the hospital, then I'd gladly suffer through it.

Nodding at the medical staff as we headed out, Cathie grabbed my hand while her husband wrapped his arm around her waist and we all trudged to the car.

My heart beat fast as Will opened the door for me, helped me in the backseat, strapped the seatbelt, closed the door then headed to the driver's seat. Our gazes met in the rearview mirror and he winked. "Ya hungry, princess?"

Princess..? Like those cartoons that I'd watch while having breakfast? Warmth was ignited and it set me ablaze.

I felt tears push their way to my eyes as my mouth stretched slowly until a wide grin was on display. I nodded eager for food and more princess moments, and Cathie burst into tears.

"My sweet baby, you're so beautiful."

+++

On our way home, we stopped at a restaurant – a drive-thru. They asked me what I wanted but having no idea what anything on the menu meant I simply shrugged and told them to pick whatever they liked.

I saw shows about fast food before but never had the opportunity to try it – if you don't count the frozen slice of pizza I stumbled upon when scavenging through a garbage can once.

We had burgers that night and I found that I couldn't get enough of the salty fries, couldn't stop drooling over them. Will and Cathie found it super amusing and even challenged me to finish my food before them.

"Whoever finishes first wins!" Catherine clapped her hands enthusiastically.

"Honey, we have to decide on the prize." William rolled his eyes then laughed when she scrunched up her face.

"Party pooper."

"Don't stick your tongue out at me, lady. Prizes are the best part of any challenge." He crossed his arms and glared at his wife who mirrored his actions.

"Pfft."

My palms started sweating and my breathing quickened. I didn't want them to fight. What if they got angry because of me? What if they fought so bad then kicked me out? What if I just ruined their relationship?

All I could hear was my heart thudding hard, echoes of repetitive drum-drum-drum in my ears, and I was drowning.

"...Zee?" My eyes darted between two faces – furrowed eyebrows, moving lips, and distant voices. "Zia?!" Someone was shaking my shoulders.

My fingers were trembling. My lungs were struggling. My body was convulsing.

Why couldn't I breathe? Where was the air?

I clawed at my throat as heavy droplets rolled down my pale cheeks.

Was I dying?

I felt someone picking me up then soon I was pressed against something warm. William settled me on his lap and wrapped his arms around my shaking form. Catherine cupped my cheeks and her gentle face filled my blurred vision.

"You're alright, sweetheart." She cooed. "You're here with me. You're here with us. You're safe, baby girl." Her hand caressed my neck down to my shoulders then back up again. "Breathe with me, Zee." She put both of my hands against her chest and tummy. "You're safe, just focus on my breathing."

And I did.

Her palms were shaking and sweaty against me but her breathing and voice were as steady as I needed them to be. My ribcage rose and fell when hers did. Slowly, the ringing stopped; the daze I was in subsided and I found myself pulled harder against another set of ribs, firmer and broader.

"You did great, my baby girl." William's voice was hoarse and a bit shaky. He buried his face in my messy strands. "You did great."

Tension ebbed away and I deflated.

The rest of the food was long forgotten, none of us having no appetite left. My mouth was pulled down as my gaze darted across the containers strewn all over the coffee table.

I ruined our first fast food meal together. I ruined their appetite. I ruined everything. I ruined it all.

"Zia," Catherine called. I couldn't meet her eyes. "Zia."

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry –"

"No." Startled by the finality in her voice, I looked up. Her features softened and her husband's embrace tightened. "Don't apologize. You did nothing wrong."

"But, I..."

She shook her head. "You did nothing wrong."

"Okay." I nodded reluctantly.

"Don't do that, sweetheart. Don't agree with me simply to please me." My lips quivered. "Shush, shush." Her hands were quickly all over my face. "I – we don't want you to be afraid of us."

"I'm not." The words came out in a rush.

"You are." She smiled.

"I know you won't hurt me." I needed her to believe me. They were the kindest people I have ever met. When she shook her head again, my body shook.

"Zee," William murmured. "We know that you trust us, that you know we won't hurt you." I sat straighter. "But, we know that you still don't trust us not to kick you out. We see it in your eyes, dear."

I couldn't even deny it.

"You're our daughter." Catherine croaked out through veils of tears and a trembling mouth. "You're our one and only daughter and we'll never ever hurt you or kick you out. You get me, Zee?"

Droplets welled up in my eyes. I learned a while ago that the Pattersons have tried for many years but were unable to conceive. So, they remained childless until they met me. I remembered my biological mother and I wondered, at that moment...

How come bad people always get what good people deserve?

"You're ours and we're yours. We're family and family means no one gets left behind." William turned me around to look at my flushed face. "We weren't fighting, just joking around, bickering. And, even if we were fighting, it wasn't because of you. Gosh, even if we ever fight because of you, we'll never abandon you, you hear me?"

I nodded quickly, a shaky exhale slipping out.

"I still don't fully know what family means," I mumbled.

"And we'll show you," Catherine breathed out. "Family isn't just a word, it's plenty of actions."

"You've already done a lot for me." I smiled.

"The tip of the iceberg, sweetie."

"Baby steps," William interjected, shooting a knowing look my way. "We don't inspect you to adapt to this life in a matter of a month. We take it slow, alright?"

"Baby steps," I repeated quietly.

Wuddap movie reference 😏