Old flames

"A relit cigarette never tastes the same and that's all I'll preach in rekindling old flames"

~ Trigger warning ~
Mariana's POV

"Mar?" John asked again, making my eyes snap back to him
"Solomons?" He said
"Yeah uh, give me a minute" I said, staring back at the wood of Tommy's desk.

John sighed
"I'm leaving the phone where it is, I'm not talking to him again" he commented, strolling off back through to the house.

I sighed, looking up and trying to breath slowly. I needed to get it together, speak to Alfie. I'd been waiting for him to ring me, I wasn't going to let Tommy ruin this. I could deal with him later.

I got up, rushing back into the house and picking the phone up, John having left it hanging off the edge of the table. I shut the door to the living room, not wanting them to listen in.

"Hello?" I said, trying to sound as calm as possible
"Alright dove? Been ringing ya all day, you weren't at any of your offices so I assumed you'd fucked off down to the land of the gypsies" he laughed.
I smiled, I'd missed listening to the random shit he came out with.

"Yeah Uh- sorry" I mumbled, biting my thumb nail.
"You alright? You sound a bit off" he grumbled down the line, making me snap back into reality once more.

"I'm fine... I'm fine sorry, just a lot of shit happening down here" I dismissed
"Anything I should be concerned with?" He asked
"No... no it's uh, personal business" I explained.

"Ah" he replied, seemingly trying to think of what to say next
"So... why'd you call?" I asked, eyes flickering to the living room door, making sure it was still shut.

He laughed at me
"Dinner?... you said you wanted to go out to dinner with me" he explained
"Oh... yeah, yeah I remember" I said, my head in a spin.

"Is this not a good time?" He asked
"Uh... no, not really, can I call you later, or I'll come see you. I just... have something to take care of here" I pleaded, to which he agreed.

"Of course... Night dove" he said
"Good night Alfie" I replied softly, putting the phone down.

I heard John start laughing in the living room, Arthur shouting about something or other. I took my coat and left, rushing down the street, the rain pouring down and the path hurting my bare feet.
I probably looked like a mad woman.

When I finally walked into Tommy's other office, I burst through the doors, the water dripping onto the floors as I made my way up the small steps to his door.

I shoved the door open, shocked to see Tommy holding up a gun at me. A look of relief washed over his face
"What you doing Mar?" He asked, his eyes raking over my figure, taking in my rain matted hair, no shoes and still in my nightgown.

"I- you-" I couldn't find the right words, so I just took the ring from my dressing gown under my coat, throwing it gently onto the desk between us.
He looked at it, recognition showing on his face, but it was gone as quick as it came.

"What's your point?" He said, standing tall, stoic expression
"Don't... don't you dare, not now, what the fuck is this Tommy?" I shouted, my patience wearing thing, my chest heaving.
I felt my mind slipping.

But I wasn't going to lose control, I knew when it happened and right now, I was angry, not overwhelmed.

He sighed, moving around the desk and sitting in one of the two seats, motioning for me to sit next to him.
He leant his arms on his legs, letting out a deep breath as he thought about what to say.

"Mar, it's just a stupid ring, it meant nothing alright... I forgot it was even there" he dismissed
I scoffed, getting up to leave
"Mar" he said, grabbing my arm and pulling me back.

"No... I'm not doing this. I know it means something, I know it was for me, I know you didn't fucking forget about it. Arthur has a big mouth Tommy... so talk honestly or let me go" I said, staring at the wall ahead of me.

He didn't move, his grip still strong but nothing coming out of his mouth
"Let me go Tommy" I said softly, a sense of double meaning in my words.
"Mar" he said simply, pulling me to sit back down, I remained standing.

I snatched my arm from his grip, moving towards the door.
"You wanna know Mar?... you wanna know?" He said loudly, standing from his own chair.

I looked towards him, staying silent as I waited for him to go on
"I loved you Mar... I fucking loved you. And you left. You left me when we were kids, you left when you went to prison, you left for the war and then you fucked off to London" he shouted.

I felt my eyes start to glaze over
"Fuck you" I said blankly
"Fuck you... you have no idea what I went through" I shouted back
"Oh yeah... what did you go through when we were kids huh?" He asked.

I couldn't answer, I couldn't find the words to answer
"Nothing. I just- I thought you wanted to end it. I thought... it was done" I said, he just laughed dryly at me.

"Done?. I wanted to marry you Mar. Marry you! I didn't want us to be done. I wanted you" he said, a flicker of emotion in his words.
"Yeah well I didn't know that did I?!" I shouted back
"No... 'cause you left me. But it wasn't for the last time was it?" He asked, voice deadly calm at the end.

"Fuck off Tommy. If things were different back then..."
"Then what. We'd be married and live happily ever fucking after?" He laughed.

"I just- I had my reasons for leaving the second time... and the third and fourth times and every single time after that" I exasperated, a tear falling from my face as I thought about it all. Prison. The war.

"What reasons? What fucking reasons Mariana?... 'cause you never told any of us! You never told me!" He shouted, the anger clear in his voice, but his face softened slightly as soon as he saw my tears.

I sighed, walking over to the table and trying to control my breathing
I gripped one of the whiskey glasses, throwing it at the wall, glass shattering everywhere.

I looked to the wall, my eyes overflowing with tears as I stood there
"I went through... some shit Tommy. Shit I couldn't tell anyone. I- when I went to prison, I um- I got..." I choked on my words.

The tears wouldn't stop spilling now.
"I um- I got- I got... raped" I said the last word so quiet I wasn't sure he heard me. But he apparently did.

He moved closer to me at lightening speed, pulling me into a hug. But I was too angry. Angry at him. Angry at that bastard guard. Angry at myself.

I shoved Tommy away from me.
"Don't. Just... just don't.
I went through some stuff, but I got through it. I just couldn't come back after that Tom. I couldn't... not physically... mentally" I emphasised, my face red, my hair damp, tears streaming down my cheeks.

"How many times?" He asked
"Too many to count" I said, void of any emotion

"Mar" he said, trying to come closer to me, but I held my hand up, signalling him to stay where he was.
"Why didn't you tell me about the ring?" I asked, my eyes ringed red.

"I-... you didn't want me Mar" he said simply
"You don't know that" I said, he scoffed
"So if I asked... you'd have said yes?" He asked
"I don't know" I answered honestly, I don't know what I would have done
What I would have said.

He looked at me with an expression I couldn't decipher
A look he abruptly wiped off as he stormed towards me, my back hit the wall as he grabbed my face in his hands.

"Would you have said yes?" He asked simply, his eyes staring into mine.
"Tommy" I said, trying to move out of his hold
"Yes or no Mar!" He stressed.

"Yes" I muttered softly
He didn't say anything else, crashing his lips onto mine.
It was a short and soft kiss, yet there was so much passion in it, so much built up emotion I could feel through him.

"Tommy" I said, pushing him away, but he wouldn't budge, just rested his forehead on mine
"I'm not yours" I said softly, my eyes still closed
"You used to be" he mumbled
"You could be" he added, making my heart ache for what I had to do.

I pushed him away gently, looking up at him with sadness in my eyes, guilt in my bones
"I can't" I said, my chest heaving as he stared at me, eyes hardening into a fire I had seen one too many times.

"Because of him" he said calmly, looking towards the fire next to me
"Him?" I asked
"You think I don't see the way you and Alfie eye fuck each other?" He asked, bitterness lacing every word.

"That's uncalled for" I said
"Is it?... you think I want to see you shoving that in my face" he said, genuine betrayal in his words.

I laughed, a laugh that sounded manic considering the way I looked right now.
"Are you taking the piss? All you have ever done is throw the women you're fucking in my face. Greta... Grace... this new woman training the horse. And I've never once said anything. Fuck sake, you fucked my friend Georgie in the room next to me, you remember that? But god forbid I look at a man, obviously I'm the whore" I shouted, storming towards the door.

"I've never fucked a business associate" he threw back, making me scoff
"Oh yes... because Grace wasn't your secretary. Lizzie isn't your secretary now... May isn't training our fucking horse Thomas" I said sarcastically.

"That's different" he said
"Always is with you isn't it?..." I said calmly, he didn't say anything else, just stood there, staring at me.

So I left
I left with the silence engulfing me as he didn't protest my exit.
I walked out of the office, staring at the dark sky
I didn't want to go home, I didn't want to face them all.
Face Tommy... when he decided to go home.

So I walked and walked, round the corner, down the street, along the canal.
When the sun eventually started rising, I was sat on one of the bridges over the canal, my head resting on one of the wooden panels, legs dangling over the edge, looking out to the water. Thinking.

I couldn't keep doing this
I'd left, and yet I never really did. No matter where I went, who I did business with, I was still a Shelby.
It was a name you couldn't outrun, a family you couldn't let go.
And I needed to let go... for my own good.

•

When I finally made my way back to the house, the street was bustling with people, all staring at me as I made my way to the door.
The door was unlocked. Polly was sat at the table, a cup of tea in her hand as she stared into the fire.

She looked to me as the door closed
"Where the fuck have you been?" She asked frantically, getting up to check me for any injuries.

I'm sure I looked like shit. My hair felt horrible, no makeup on my face, still in a nightgown, dressing gown and coat. My feet were dirty, and my face felt raw from the amount of crying I'd done.

"Out" I said simply, moving to the stairs
"Out?... the boys have been everywhere looking for you. Tommy said you had a fight w-"
"Pol, I'm tired, I'm dirty. I just want a bath" I said, walking up the stairs, ignoring her voice.

I got washed, dried my hair, got dressed and packed my bags, I shouldn't still be here. And I'd called for a car from a phone box on my way home.

I took my two bags downstairs. Greeted by the boys and Pol in the living room
"Where the fuck you been?" John asked, hugging me tightly
I pushed him away slightly
"Thinking" I told them all. Taking a few steps back from John.

"We'd thought you'd had an episode agai-"
"I'm leaving" I said, interrupting John
"Yeah... that's clear" Polly said, eyeing my bags
"No... I mean I'm leaving, I'm not coming back, not if I can help it" I explained.

"Look last nigh-" I shook my head, cutting Tommy off
"This isn't about last night... all this place does is set me off... drag me down. I can't- I can't be here, I can't keep cleaning up your mess Tommy, I can't keep going back to 5 years ago" I explained, my faced dropped in a solemn expression as I looked round at them all.

"What so that's it? You're fucking off again?!" John asked angrily
"I'm not fucking off" I seethed, angry that they couldn't understand
"I just... I can't be here John" I said
"Is this 'cause of the ring?" Arthur asked from his seat by the fire.

"What ring?" Pol asked
"It's noth-" I tried to say, cut off by Arthur
"The ring Tommy was gonna give Mar-"
"Shut up Arthur" Tommy snapped.

"No, why should we all sit here and pretend this never happened, you two were a couple, we all fucking know, why act like we don't?" Polly said, glaring at Tommy.

"I'm not doing this now" I said, opening the door and stepping out into the street
"Running away again" John spoke up from the doorway.
"Let her go John" Tommy said calmly, pulling John back. Him and Polly were the only ones that knew about the prison now.

"Fuck you... I'm not running away, I'm going home" I said with finality
"This is your home" John shouted
"No it isn't!" I said, throwing the door open and getting in.

I know I said Alfie was in the next chapter, but it took a different direction, he will be in the next one though, promise!

Vote and Comment
Thoughts???

•