Coping

"That's the problem, you don't think you deserve something so you ruin it"

Alfie's POV

"She needs you Alfie. Now more than ever" Ollie said
I didn't know what to say
How could I go back now?
How could I break her heart even more?
Let her see me alive.
Scarred
A coward.

Mariana's POV

"Tea? Toast? I can run you a bath" Polly said
"Polly stop. I'm fine" I said
"You're not fine" she said
"Fine. Then I'm not fine. But tea and toast won't bring my child back will it?" I said.

"No" she mumbled
"Thank you... for coming though" Polly said
What else could I do?
Go home alone? Look after two children when I knew my mind was on the verge of cracking

I sat by the fire
Dirty old Birmingham going by out the window
Without me
I felt stuck
I felt... alone.
And yet the baby in my arms and the boy playing on the floor told me otherwise

That I was a mother
That I needed to be here for them.

"Carter" I called, he stood up, clocking the baby before he began to stare in wonder at him
"This is Laurence, your brother" I said
"Baby" he said
"Yeah, yeah, a little baby" I agreed with him.

"I'll put tea on" Polly said from the doorway
I sighed
I don't fucking want it
I appreciate her... effort
But I didn't need it
I needed normality
I didn't need to be treated like a patient

Like I was mad.

5 days later

"Are you sure-"
"I can handle a trip to London Polly, I am not deranged, I can drive a car" I said
"That's not what worries me" she said
"I know, but Nala is up there, she's going to meet me" I said

•

"Are you okay?" Nala asked
No.
No I wasn't. I had to spend the day picking out flowers for my daughter's funeral.
Picking coffins not cribs
Something to bury her in.

"Mariana?"
"I'm fine Nala, honestly" I said
There wasn't another option
Say no and everyone worries, one phone call away from the hospital ready to take me away.

"Are you sure seeing Aila is a good idea?" She asked
"Nala, you fret too much, go home, I'll be perfectly alright" I assured her.

Even if it was a lie.

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"I wanted to come and see you-"
"It's alright, I'm sorry I didn't tell you, I didn't tell most people" I said, looking down into my cup
I wasn't ashamed. I just... I wanted this to myself
Mine and Alfie's babies
I wanted to hang on to the little miracles I had of him for as long as I could before everyone else intervened.

"I'll come stay with you, before the funeral, if that is alright?" She asked
"Of course, you'll want to meet Laurence I imagine" I tried to smile
"Laurence, what a beautiful name" she said
"Thank you, I like to think Alfie would have approved, but then again I have no idea, he probably would have told me it was an awful idea" I chuckled.

He never liked getting mixed up in Ray's business or his family
But Lawrence helped me. And he understood what it was like to have Ray Cortéz as a father.

"I think he would have loved it" she said genuinely
"Thank you" I said
It was nice talking to someone who understood Alfie the way I did
Polly tried to get it but she just didn't know him the way I did
The way his family does

They didn't see the softer side of him.
Aila was a comfort I didn't know I needed.
"And the funeral, your daughter, would you mind if I asked her name?" She asked

"Charlotte, Charlotte Catherine Solomons" I said
"Charlotte, did you know that means free?" She asked
"Free?" I repeated
No I didn't.

"Freedom" she smiled sadly
"I imagine she was beautiful" she said
"She was" I nodded, teary eyed
"Yeah... she was" I muttered.

Alfie's POV

"I can't do this any more" Aila cried, rushing into the room before she landed in my arms, crying into my shoulder
"Aila" I said
"I'm so sorry Alfie, I'm so sorry for your loss, but you have to talk to her, you have to see her, you can't leave her alone to do this, the funeral is in a week. A week Alfie! She barely got any time to see her and now she has to..." she cried the end of her sentence

Unable to finish it
I sat her down, tissues coming out of her bag as she cried incoherent words.

"A girl Alfie, your beautiful baby girl I can't-"
"Aila, she came to see you?" I asked
"Yes" she nodded
"I asked for her, and she seems so lost Alfie, so... so distant and switched off. There's sadness there and yet she also seems so... so disengaged" she rambled.

"What did she say?" I asked
"She... she spoke about you, about the babies, the... the funeral" she began to sob again
I tried my hardest not to cry.
"Did she tell you their names?" I asked desperately

She nodded again, wiping her eyes
"Laurence" she said
"And Charlotte" she said
Of course she would pick perfect names
Charlotte...

"Where is she?" I asked
"She's staying in Birmingham, with Polly Gray" she said
"No, Charlotte... where is she?" I asked
"Why?"

Mariana's POV

When I got home. I went for a walk.
To clear my head... jump in the river
Start a fight
I wasn't sure... I wasn't sure why I started walking but I had

And I ended up down the canal banks, strolling along as the water swept the opposite direction.
Felt fitting to me
Life was always pulling in the opposite direction.

"Mariana" I looked above me.
Where Lizzie Star- Shelby stood on the bridge
With a pram beside her
I looked away, wondering if I should even speak to the woman who married the devil
The woman I saved from danger time and time again

The woman I considered a friend
Or whether I should keep on walking

I turned around, heading up the bank and making my way up to her
"It's good to see you" she tried
I looked at her. Dressed smarter. Posher
I looked at the pram
Thankful that I couldn't see the baby in it
Thankful that I couldn't see the girl Thomas Shelby of all people got blessed with.

"You're married then" I said simply
"Yes" she said
"Are you happy?" I asked
"I am"
"Good" I nodded

"Are you happy for me?" She asked
I looked at her for a long moment
Lizzie Shelby
Nothing like the Lizzie Stark I once knew
The Lizzie Stark I rescued from a dark alleyway, threatened by a man at such a young age.

"Are you sad for me?" I asked back instead
"I am sorry, about what happened to you, to your..." she looked out at the water, unable to meet my eyes
"I heard you named your daughter Ruby" I said
"Yes" she smiled sadly
"Ruby Shelby, sounds infamous" I said
"Polly predicts as such" she said.

"Polly is not always right. I see things too Lizzie" I said
"Meaning?" She asked
"Meaning Polly predicted things about my child. And look where she is now" I said
"Mar I think that's a little out of line-"
"It's not. Not when you've married Thomas Shelby. You're a Shelby woman now, officially, before... before you could have started over, left, now... you're his. You're apart of the family, forever" I said

"That's what I want" she said
"No" I struggled, looking up at the sky
"No it's not Lizzie, but by the time you figure that out, it'll be too late" I said
He'll ruin her.

Alfie's POV

"Ten minutes Alfie. That's all he can give us" Ollie said
"Just stay out here, and tell him to shut his fucking mouth" I warned, heading in
The room was small. One window
One table. One small coffin.

I pulled a chair from the corner, sitting myself down.
"Hello princess" I said, placing my hand on the coffin
"I uh... I'm your dad, I'm sorry I wasn't... I'm sorry I wasn't there, when you were born" I tried

"I... I would have loved to see you, your little face, your little hands, your..." I couldn't find the words
There were no fucking words
"I'm uh, I'm going to be there, when your mummy sends you off to... to heaven. I'll be there, I just... I won't be stood with mummy, not yet, but I will come and see you, all the time" I said

"And I'll make things right with your mum, I promise you that. I... I'm so sorry" I cried
"That I weren't there. That I... that I'm not there" I said.

"I love you alright? More than anything in the fucking world, you, your mum, your brothers, they mean everything to me"
"You mean everything to me" I said, struggling for air.

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